-1A/N: Hi, this is my first Shikamaru fic…ever. I think he's a great character and have been meaning to write a fic for him, but I never really got around to it. But earlier I read chapter 328 of the manga. It was then that I realized I needed to make one. For both Asuma and Shikamaru. Shikamaru and Kiba are 20 just so there's no questions on ages. So without much more interruption I bring you "Finding Happiness Without You".
Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the actual Naruto manga/anime series. Pretty simple.
Warning! This fic is pretty dark and contains yaoi. If you don't like swearing, stories of abuse/rape, or male on male relations then you really shouldn't read this fic at all. Not a whole lot happens, just smutty. Hope you like!!
ThislineishereinmemoryofAsumaandalsocuzmycomputersucks
Finding Happiness Without You
I never could have imagined it happening. It never occurred to me that he could vanish from my life completely. Just like that. In the blink of an eye. The sharp intake of breath that followed right after I heard that piercing scream, my ears ringing from hearing the almost deafening sound of my Sensei being stabbed. Tears, that filled my eyes while looking at the fallen and slain body of the man who taught me so much. The man that damn well could've been my father! Yes…everything from that day is implanted in my head.
Every night I toss and turn in bed as everything replays in my head over and over. Begging for me to see an alternative to what happened. That Akatsuki bastard killed the one person that understood what it was like to be me. Asuma-sensei was my team leader. It was a three man team consisting of Chouji, Ino, and myself. That day was supposed to have been like any other. Predictable, easy yet troublesome, boring, uneventful, and end with all of us going back home together.
Eating out like we would always do after a mission. Successful or not. That is the kind of man Asuma was. Win or lose, you're always in need of nourishment and a sense of some accomplishment. He was always laid back. Just like myself. Yet when it came to training and missions he could be as serious as a heart attack. Never missing a beat he seemed to last hours sparring with the three of us. Eventually after we all became Chunin, we were able to beat him for once. That had been one of the best days of my life. Almost five years later, that is one of the only things that kept me sane.
Remembering the look on his proud face that he gave all of us. …It stuck with me from then, up until his death, even to right now. No one can ever amount to the kind of teacher that man was. Not Kakashi, not Kurenai, not even the Fourth Hokage! They wouldn't have understood me like him. Why I am the genius I am. How come I'm almost never at my house. The reason I stay around my friends in front of my parents.
Asuma knew right off the bat that there was something wrong with me. Since I first spoke during our introductions back when I was thirteen. I don't know how he knew, but he knew. It could be that I was acting too cool at the time, or because I had been fidgeting while telling him I'd do my best while under his command, or it could've been when I didn't seem to pay attention and just stare at the clouds. Hell, it could have been anything about me that might've given away the fact I was wearing a mask. However he knew…he knew. My friends didn't even know.
Then again none of them could really tell if anything was wrong with me to begin with. On that day, after he dismissed us I started walking. Nowhere in particular, just walking, when I ran into him. He said he needed to talk to right then and there. So the two of us continued walking along. Right off the bat; the very first thing he said to me was in a low whisper so that the villagers around wouldn't hear it. Asuma-sensei looked down over at me and asked: "Who gave you those bruises?". To say I was shocked he'd seen them was an understatement.
I had been shocked, worried, afraid, and on the verge of tears that he'd find out someone knew. At first I tried to divert him from the truth and told him they were from intensive training. That's when he swung the two of us into an alleyway and pushed me up against a wall. Not forcefully and out of anger like he would. But gently, so that my body seemed to barely connect with the cold concrete side of the building. That's when he asked me again. Right away I started stammering and sweating like mad. Finally when it seemed pointless to hide it at all I broke down. Throwing my pained and beaten body into his arms and sobbed into his shirt.
Unlike my father would have, Asuma-sensei just held my softly and whispered to me that everything would be alright. After what seemed like forever he got me to calm down. We had gone to a field where I would cloud watch. That day too, began a special bond between the two of us. Not only were we just teacher and student, but also friends who would help each other no matter what. From that day on Asuma-sensei would cloud watch with me almost all the time. Mostly just to check up on me and see how I was doing.
My father had started beating me when I was little. I don't honestly remember much from back then, but I do know that the abuse got worse as I grew older. Almost everyday I would get slapped, punched, kicked, or hit with some random object for screwing up somehow. My mom left after it started saying she didn't want to be apart of it. So, from that point on it was me and my abuser. Around age nine or ten I had stopped thinking of him as a loving father, and referred to him, to myself at least, as the monster.
Around others he was so caring and loving. Although, those feelings were fake and only used when I'm around. I'm for certain he bragged about being a "real man" around his buddies when he was completely tanked. My father was the reason I started cloud watching. I started it back when I was young and could escape from him at certain times. I'd stay out for hours in a field, on a rooftop, almost anywhere so I could clearly see them. White balls of fluff that circulate around the earth, freely, doing it however they wish. "If only I could be like them!" I used to think constantly and still do sometimes to this day.
The memories are so painful sometimes they mix in with Asuma-sensei's death. The two of them corner me whilst I shake with fear and taunt me. Sometimes saying I'm the reason he died, that I should've taken my beatings like a man when my father used to dish them out to toughen me up. How I loved his excuses for harming me. Asuma had talked to him on many occasions about harming me and that if he continued it, he'd take it to the Hokage and have him sent away.
At first he seemed apologetic and sincere. I had actually thought he'd turn over a new leaf and we could start over and become an actual family. Hah! That lasted what, all of fifteen minutes? That day is also stuck in my head. I had been upstairs in my room, barely believing what had just happened. Oh how relieved I was! The footsteps were ignored as I looked out the window, up at the clouds in the beautiful almost ocean-like sky. The clouds had been arranged almost making it look like waves washing up on the shore while the sun starts to lower itself on a beach.
-Flashback-
The door opened. I hardly seemed to notice as he came in. The monster was back. Wanting more this time, than anything before.
"Why'd you tell him, Shikamaru!? You ruined it! Everything, you ruin everything!" my father shouted as I turned around to face the drunken man, a presumably empty Sake bottle in his hand. "Your mother….she left us. Because of you!"
"No!!" I shrieked, backing up as far as I could in my tiny room.
My father had made it so I lived in the attic after my mom moved out as part of my "punishment". I didn't seem to mind. Not at first. Not up until that very moment. The bastard even bolted the window shut so I couldn't get out. Even if I had decided to jump out, it would've been a good fifteen feet to the ground below. Ninja or not, I'd hurt something on the land. The beast of a man moved towards me, dropping the bottle and advanced after me while glass went everywhere as the object shattered.
As much as I struggled. As much as I shouted for him to stop whatever he was doing…he didn't. He kept kissing my neck, feeling my body, telling me to shut up and hitting me. Before I knew what was going on, I was holding my cheek and my clothes were discarded. My dad-the monster- pushed me down onto the bed on my stomach, and tied my arms and legs to the posts. By this time I was crying so hard my tears formed huge wet marks on the pillows that muffled my screams as the man penetrated me. I was screaming so much my voice began to hurt. My head being shoved into my pillows didn't help much either considering it muffled every sound that came out of me.
-End Flashback-
On October 10th, when I was thirteen years old, my father raped me of the last bit of dignity and will-power I literally had. My life and everything in it hurt. Because of everything he put me through I constantly felt like shit. Always felt under accomplished. Even though I apparently have the highest IQ in Konohagakure. For days I laid up in my room. Unable to move from the unbearable pain that seared through my body from what he did to me.
When I was finally able to move and leave the house I did so while he was sleeping so he wouldn't be able to catch me at first. This had to be known. For almost my whole life this shit has gone on, it has to end here with this. Someone has to do something about this evil person who has always claimed to be my so-called "father". He wasn't a father, he wasn't much of a monster either. No, he's pure evil. Who could do such a thing to a kid!? This kind of thing traumatizes kids all the time.
It's one of those things that hear happening from time to time, but never think it'll actually happen to you. After barely making it to Asuma's place I didn't knock on the door. I collapsed against it. Unable to stand up anymore. The whole way I had cried and endured the pain etching itself throughout my small body while shamefully made my way towards who I hoped would be my hero.
Within an instant the door was thrown open and my body fell to the floor of his doorway. I apparently became unconscious and woke up a day or two later in the hospital with him, Chouji, and Ino by my side. The very second I saw them my eyes filled with tears in shame that they knew what happened. I don't know how I knew they knew, but I just did. All three hugged me and said it's ok now and that they're glad I'm ok.
After that it was a bunch of crazy events. I had to testify to the village counsel about what all happened. Asuma-sensei needed ANBU guards to keep him from slaughtering my dad. In the end my dad was sent to the prison and I was put in Asuma-sensei's care. Never had I been as happy as I had been when he asked if I wanted to live with him. Living with him had been the greatest thing ever! We talked for hours when we weren't around Chouji and Ino training or celebrating.
I was truly happy for the first time…ever. The next two and a half years seemed to fly by. Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and months turned to years. All the while I developed along with my teammates and friends. Something that also developed besides my skill level and the like, was my crush. I used to be completely passionate about Hinata, but I spent more and more with one of my friends-Kiba Inuzuka- and feelings for him began to show themselves and before I knew it I was coming up with any excuse to be around him.
After all this time the only person I've told about this was Asuma-sensei. When he died, so did my last bit of hope. Hope that happiness would last forever. Hope that I could be with people I cared for and shared those feelings without bad things happening. So here I am, in my apartment remembering my past and all the fucked up things that happened in it. A knock suddenly comes to the door, startling me, but nonetheless I get up to answer it in a calm, cool manner. It's Kiba? My heart stops.
"Oi, Shikamaru how're you doing?" He asks casually.
"…" I can't seem to answer it. Not knowing how.
"Shikamaru, are you alright?" Kiba waves his hands in my face.
"Huh? Oh…I'm…doing alright I guess. Where's Akamaru? You two are almost never apart?" I ask, summoning him inside, away from the coldness of the night outside.
"He's home resting after yesterdays mission. It was a little much for him apparently." The dog lover replied quite chipper after closing the door and following me into my bedroom where I sat back down on my bed.
He takes a seat next to me. I look at his attire. It seems as if he just threw on random clothes and rushed over here. He's wearing a fishnet shirt, covered by his leather jacket, while still wearing what appear to be light blue flannel pajama pants with different colored wolves on them. It's now that I realize it's late. I look at my alarm clock and am shocked to find that it's almost ten pm.
"Kiba, it's late. I'm glad you came to see me and all, but why'd you decide to do it so late?" I yawn sleepily.
"Well…I know that today is the five year anniversary of…well Asuma-sensei's death…" Kiba whispers while looking at the floor and rubbing his feet together. "So I wanted to come by and see if you…ya know…wanted someone to talk to or…something."
"You should've come earlier. This is so troublesome…" I yawn again unintentionally saying that out loud.
Kiba looks hurt and moves to get up. I stop him though, by grabbing his wrist.
"Wait…there is…something I'd like to tell you." my heart starts pounding and I try to form a way to say this in my mind.
Time feels as if it's stopped just for this event while we're both silent. My hand still loosely on his wrist as the tension rises when I start to blush. I look at Kiba who is also a light shade of pink in the darkness that is my room. The moon shines down in on us and emits a slight light around the room. Just enough so we can see each other. When time passes and I still don't talk Kiba moves to leave again. I don't stop him though. As he stands my hand falls limply onto my bed covers and my head slumps down.
His footsteps ring each time he takes one. Finally, as if out of nowhere I jump up.
"Kibailoveyouwithallmyheartandyou'retheonlythingthatmakesmehappyanymore!!!" I gasp out all in one quick go, now standing.
He stops at the doorway and turns around. A confused expression placed on his wonderfully beautiful features. It begins to plague my thoughts. What if he doesn't like me back? Did I just ruin everything we had between us as friends?? I'm such an idiot, of course he doesn't like me! What was I thinking, no one can love someone like me…I'm not worth their time or effort…
Kiba then looks up at me as if hearing all of my thoughts. He approaches me, looking me dead in the eye as if making sure everything I just said was true.
"Shikamaru…" he whispers.
"Y-ye-yes?" I rasp out.
"Is…all that….true?" still he looks deep into my eyes, as if he's trying to find my soul in them while he asks me this.
"…Yes. Every word of it. With Asuma-sensei gone, you're all I can really grasp onto. Everything about you screams out at me. You're funny, hot, a…ok people person, a bit stubborn-" he cuts me off.
"What happened to all the good things?" he laughs out while bringing his head closer to mine.
"I was getting back to that. …and most of all," I pause to wrap my arms around his waist. "You're not at all troublesome or not worth wasting time."
That does it. Before I can take a breath he kisses me. It only lasts a few seconds cause I'm in need of air, but it's meaning is way beyond clear. Kiba likes me back. We crash our lips together once more. This time, with a lot more passion and lust. After a few minutes of nibbling, groping, and tongue battling, we break apart.
I fall back onto my bed and pull him down with me so he's on top. Kiba rolls off of me to my side and stares into my eyes again.
"What is with you and staring at me?" I can't help but ponder.
"…I'm just so upset that someone could hurt someone as wonderful as you…But don't worry Shikamaru, I'm here to protect you now. I'm not going anywhere you don't want me to." Kiba replies, nuzzling into my chest and letting me smell his hair. Reminds me of wet dog, he must've washed Akamaru earlier.
"Oh Kiba, I love you so much. You don't know how long I've been longing for you."
Kiba looks up at me again and we kiss for the third time. A wonderful time that makes my whole body, inside and out, warm with joy and happiness. Asuma-sensei, I love you. You were my father-my true father and no matter what happens you'll be in my heart. But now that Kiba's here for me too, I can finally find happiness without you after five long years…I've found another meaning for me to keep moving on.
ThislineishereinmemoryofAsumaandalsocuzmycomputersucks
A/N: Ok…totally cheesy and cliché I know, but ignoring that and the major OOC-ness coming from Shikamaru, what'd you all think? Hopefully you liked this enough to check out some of my other works. I have a really sweet Sasuke and Naruto oneshot that's really sweet too. Please review for me so this hard work wasn't wasted! It's that little purple button on the bottom left-hand side at the bottom of this page. Well it's almost one am, so goodbye and thanks for reading!