I've written this little depressing drabble something like 6 years ago or more... I've stumbled upon it yesterday, and decided to translate it and put it on...

Warnings: yaoi, deathfic

Weiss Kreuz not mine

Thank you

"If you really love me as you say, you must do it."

Blackmail, a fucking, dirty blackmailing, that's what he's doing to me.

"I can't."

His eyes, blue like the night. His hair, the same colour as chocolate.

"Why?"

Now those eyes are pleading, he's imploring me through clenched teeth.

"You can't ask me that. I just… can't do it."

His pale arms rise to wrap my neck, lean fingers brush my hair.

I close my eyes.

"This was what I always dreamt of. To be hold, to be desired… for what I am. You gave me the only taste of real happiness I had in my life."

My muscled are painfully rigid. My whole body is screaming, rebelling to a mind who already knows what's going to happen.

"I could give you so many other happy moments… We could go away, just the two of us, to find our freedom. To create our own freedom."

Lies. Foolish illusions. I know it all too well, as I say them trying to put all my faith in them, and it makes me even more enraged.

"They would never let us alone. He wants my power, he will never give up to me. At least until he will be sure nobody else could use me against him."

My hands caress his naked back, touching lightly the skin of that fragile body. Moments ago I feared so much I was going to hurt it, and when I saw his tears, I cursed myself, backing blindly, trying to take me away from him. But he still went looking for my lips, for my face, holding back his sobs, whispering to me not to leave him, not now that I finally went so close breaking that glass cage… And when finally I felt him, felt his back arching and his body yielding, when I heard his mouth screaming my name while he gave in the pleasure, real pleasure, when I felt his forehead pressed on my sweated shoulder, his ragged breathing going at pace with mine…

"And you… Yours would never forgive you. They'd consider you a traitor, and maybe they'd order your friends to go hunting you. Being killed by your brothers, or being forced to kill them… and if they too should decide to rebel… you all would be destroyed in the end. I know it. I know how it works."

His voice is so full of pain.

"I don't want to see you suffer.

You've already run so many risks

to get close to me. To stay with me.

You're so kind… and you still got a way out. A way to be happy. I know you'll do it.

I have one and only way to be happy. A way to be free.

So please. Free me. Don't leave me doing this alone.

So that the last thing I will feel

will be you."

I've never heard him talking this much. He's crying again, silently. Tears run over his soft cheeks, and he's still smiling. Moments ago I was so happy, so proud, to see his face lightened by that smile, to know it was only for me. Now I feel only sick.

My eyes too are filled with tears, but it's not time for me to pour them, yet.

His fingers reach for my weapon, they pull out the thin wire, stretching it. A thread of light wraps his neck in the darkness.

He hands me the ends, and put his hands on mine, holding them.

"I love you."

My voice is broken, like it can't bear the futility of my words. But his gaze is full of a gratitude I don't deserve.

"Forgive me, Yohji."

He says it so feebly it seems the whispering of a ghost. He closes his eyes and breathes his last words.

"Thank you."

FIN