"Kuuchan…"
"Kuuchan…"
"…chan…"
"…Kuu…"
I gasped. My eyes forced open realized I was being dragged out to reality from that vivid dream. Same strange dream that I had for several days recently. Same dream which I couldn't simply figure it out. I was standing in a dark room, to be exact in nowhere but darkness, so that I couldn't see anything. Then tedious sounds invaded my ear. It called my nickname over and over. The thing is, the voice was familiar. Voice which I know well whose it was.
As my eyes recognized the morning light in my bedroom, I heard a grunt and a yawn. I turned my head to side to find out my girlfriend already awoken. She blinked few times and rubbed her sleepy eyes.
"Kuumin, what's wrong?" she said weakly. Ah right, she must be awoken by my loud gasp, "Ah ohayou, Non-chan. I'm sorry waking you up." I greeted her. She smiled and snuggled closer, "Were my Kuumin having nightmares?" her naked body embraced mine tightly under the blanket. I shifted a bit, "Ah no, it's not that. I'm just having the same dream for the past few days." I explained. She giggled, "Don't think about it too much, it's only a dream." She smiled while encircling her arm to my waist, went back to sleep.
It couldn't be only just a dream. My eyes were wide open staring at the ceiling. Thinking of any possibility signs from that dream. It could be something. Or it could be nothing just like Kanon said. I thought I need to clear my head out. I poked my girlfriend's cheek and her eyes fluttered open.
"Non-chan, I need to go." Kanon frowned and pouted, "Eeeh, already? But it's Sunday…" I bit my lower lip, "That's why, I think I'm go jogging. Come on let me go, I need to grab my clothes." I struggled. She held me still, "I'm going too." I sighed, "Non-chan, just this time, I want to be alone. Please?" I said softly, afraid of hurting her feelings. She gave a look of disappointed but then nodded, "Well then, I'll make breakfast later. I guess I'll go back to sleep now" Kanon let go of her embrace and turned her body away so I was facing her back. I got out from bed, searched for my clothes that scattered everywhere in the floor. I grabbed a towel and flashed to bathroom. I actually never liked morning shower but I feel like having one this morning.
I went back to bedroom to find some trackpants and sweats. I glanced at my girlfriend who was still sleeping soundly. After that I immediately got myself out feeling the morning air of spring. I inhaled deeply while taking deliberate steps ahead after putting the headphones on. I decided to take medium route. Running around the three blocks and going back was quite burning calories. I looked at my watch, still six in the morning. No wonder there were not many people around. But it's nice since I really wanted to be alone this morning.
While running, I thought about my dream. That voice echoed again in my head, reminded me of her. Yes, I knew well that voice. It's the voice of Kizaki Yuria. Someone that had been an important person in my life back then. My ex-bestfriend. Also my secret crush.
A bitter laugh escaped from my lips, choked and strained but still harsh and grating to my ears. Three years, and I was still thinking about her every moment of my life. She just disappeared after I got into my last year of high school. I sent her tons of mails, mails that never got any reply. Leaving me puzzled with my own question about what was my mistake?
I remembered our first meeting. It was pure incident a little bit stupid. When I was queuing in a taiyaki stall on weekend, and poked her and mistaken with my friend. I found out she was pretty and warm. Made me nervous saying sorry and accidentally dropped my last hope of lunch. I was so regretful and embarrassed that she might be hearing my incoherent monologues and ended up buying me one. That moment was really a stupid also precious one that I couldn't even forget.
What the hell was I thinking? It's been three years. I've gotten into college, I had a cute and nice girlfriend, I lived with her, and I had a part-time job in the neighborhood CD store. Overall my life was okay. So why till now I still felt uneasy? I felt half alive.
I've always thought about Kizaki Yuria.
I could never stop thinking about her. Everywhere I'd walk, I'd see her ghost. She even invaded my very private part of living, my dream. I really missed her. I missed you, Kizaki Yuria.
If they ask why I am with a girl named Kimoto Kanon, I will answer it's because I thought she is nothing but cute and sweet. Made me falling in love with her since we first met. I made mistake by going out with her, I guess. Every day since the day I kissed her, my love for her became less and less until time flies around three years now and I still didn't know why I am holding the relationship with her this far. When we had sex and she whispers passionately into my ear that she loves me I mumble half-truths that are darker than lies.
I'm so screwed. My life was full of lies. And I still felt half alive.
I had a thought war as my wind brushed my hair, my feet continue doing the calorie-burning, and my ears attacked by music I couldn't even listening to. I could tell I wasn't paying attention to the road I stepped.
People could call me pretty. Ironically I am anything but that. I am a monster, ugly and scarred on the inside, hurting and betraying everyone I know and meet.
Maybe Yuria left me because I betrayed her too. A betrayal that I couldn't even figure out about. Was Kanon the reason you left me, Yuria? I realized you became colder to me after I had told you about Kanon but I never thought if that really the reason you left me.
I can't unforget you if I can. But it's too late. You were too deep in me. Your hollow was too deep in my mind.
As my mind flew everywhere, I didn't realize I was already in front of my apartment again, end of my morning route. At the entrance I paused, fumbling in my pocket for keys that seem to have disappeared. I was pretty sure I put them into the left pocket of my pants, but they don't seem to be there, so I continued scrabbling for those damned elusive keys.
"Um, miss? You seem to have dropped your k-"
It's like a dam is being opened, a flood of memories that roared loudly in my ears as I heard the one voice I will always be able to pick out. The voice that been haunting me these days.
I turned around.
"K-Ku-Kuumin?"
I didn't dare to blink a second. Before my very eyes I was very wary this could be happen as one of my delusion again. It could be an illusion. But my illusions never spoke to me or reacted to my actions. This couldn't be…
My breath caught in my throat. Her eyes were bright and clear, and she hasn't changed at all. And yet she's changed so much. Her eyes are so, so different. She's getting taller and prettier.
I tried to gain strength saying any words. I could be so gladly talking about everything I had in my mind. But seems only a single coherent word successfully escaped from my lips,
"Yuria?"
Tears welled up in her eyes, and she took an awkward movement before she froze and simply stared at me. Her eyes are still the same with the one I used to stare deeply. It was soft and kind, but inside them there was a different, hesitant disbelief that certainly I could see.
It makes me wonder. Did I really know her anymore?
"Kuumin…" she whispered again, as if she needed confirmation from more than how I look and the way I instantly knew her name. My lips suddenly silent shut as I felt my heartbeat getting in an unhealthy faster pace. I could just jump into her and hug her tightly, but the gravity seemed holding my feet still so I only froze in place. My brain commanded me to form a curve in my lips. I smiled to her.
"How are you…Yuria?"
There are so many questions I wanted to ask her, needed to ask her, but at the same time, she was like a book I have forcefully wrenched closed every year, and opening it so suddenly now would be so completely wasteful of all the effort I had expended. And right now I really wanted to just talk to her. I wanted to do anything to calm or soothe these flashes of colorful memories that threaten to explode in milliseconds. How about a coffee? Or taking a walk? So we could talk…
I let out a bitter chuckle as I thought that might be no use. The words still caught in my throat. She was so important for me. And I knew exactly what had been going on between us. Asking for a coffee wouldn't simply resolve these all.
"I'm fine. And you Kuumin?"
I didn't answer. Instead I made fidgeting movements by scratching my unitchy head and let out my usual grin, my eyes seemed have interest to my feet more than her face. This was a really, really the most awkward and torturing moment I've had in my entire life. Never thought talking to my ex-bestfriend was this hard. I stole a glance at her, she kept staring at me. A flash of pink tint spread in her creamy cheeks. Wait, she blushed? How could she blush?
Finally I forced myself to talk, anything to break this unwanted tension. It was a hard battle, raw gurgles choking at the back of my throat, but I managed to burst out a couple of something called words.
"I'm good. What are you doing this morning?" my eyes roamed her figure, still not able to look in the eyes. So I just stopped wandering and kept looking at her sandals. She tugged her hair behind her left ear, "Um…I'm just taking a morning walk, I lived around here now. Seem you had your morning route, Kuumin." Those words made me instantly looked her eyes. She still remembered my habits. Kizaki Yuria still remembered about me. That was just enough for eradicating half of my uneasiness I had these times.
"Yeah, you see…" I giggled.
Later in the day, when I pushed myself to the sofa I saw my girlfriend appeared with a questioning look, "Was the route you are taking same with national marathon ones?" I raised eyebrows, "Um..no?" Kanon threw herself beside me, stared at me sharply "Your breakfast is getting cold." Ah…yes. Kanon must me questioning my lateness. I touched her hand gently,
"I…ran into a friend this morning."
"Eh? Who? Must be an old friend then." Her sharp look suddenly vanished in a second. I smiled, "Indeed. She was my bestfriend at senior high. Kizaki Yuria is the name."
"Ah I see." she nodded and leaned her head in my shoulder. We continued watching the weather forecast on television. The thing that Kanon didn't know, even though my eyes were glued to the screen, my mind had its own world.
Kizaki Yuria changed her mail address. Throwing out her number. Moved out the town. So that I was completely losing contact with her. But this morning, I managed to get her mail address. We planned to meet again someday. This was a thing that made me having something to look for tomorrow after for so long I hadn't. At least I felt no more half alive.
Knowing she lived only several blocks away from me made me feel like I was the luckiest girl alive in this planet.
I smiled and pulled out my vibrating phone from my pocket, I opened it and typed deliberately. I sent it and smiled pleasantly. Kanon poked me, "Who are you texting with?" my smiled immediately disappeared. "Hm? Oh just my college friend, I'm asking whether we will have another test this week." That was a fingers crossed answer. Of course I was texting Yuria, answering her invitation for a meeting the day after tomorrow. "Then, why are you smiling?" she asked again. "Because I get none!"
"Oh, that's good." Her eyes turned to the TV again. I smirked. Kanon was so easy to deal with. Lying to Kanon was my daily meal, and I felt sorry for her. I even lied about my own feelings and let them rusted into our relationship for three years. Great, Kumi. You are the meaniest person in the world.
Under my smile of victory, there was a slight of worry tickling. Would Yuria want to become my friend again? I knew we weren't into a fight before she disappeared, but there must be something that made her did. And it could be my fault. I was so eager to talk about that to her but the other side I was afraid that might be tearing the old scars I've been avoiding at.
"…min! Kuumin!" Kanon's voice snapped me out of my delusion. I turned to her, "Ye-yes?" She pouted, "Welcome back to reality." I giggled, "Sorry I was just bored." She grabbed my hands and squeezed them, "Accompany me tonight. I'm going shopping. Will you?" I only nodded, "Yeah, I will." She clung onto me, "Yay thank you!" Haha, very cute.
"…which one you like better. This one or this?" Kimoto Kanon shoved two shorts at me. I nodded, "You look better in anything." She pouted, "Liar. I'm serious." I pulled her closer and kissed her cheek, "I'm serious as well, Non-chan." and smiled watching she blushed. Honestly, I never lied about her appearance. And that might be the only reason I enjoyed staying with her. Yeah I know I'm mean. If being mean makes money, I must be the richest person in the world. Kanon wasn't supposed to be treated like this. But what else I could do.
As we walked passage to passage, tracing path in every corner on women section, I saw the same long hair and a pair of beautiful eyes I had seen this morning, only meters apart in front of me. My boots suddenly felt heavier and made me hard to move. I hoped my eyes weren't mistaken just like the first time I met that person. But they were not showing any signs of failure recognizing. I tried to turn around slowly so she couldn't notice me but a hand stopped me,
"Kuumin, where are you going?" Kanon's voice tore down my plans. I stuttered, "To-toilet." Great, my 2536458th lie. Hearing my name being spoken, I saw Kizaki Yuria's head immediately turned to us.
"Kuumin?"
I immediately let out a fake smile and bit my lower lip. Kanon tugged my jacket, silently asking who the person it was. I forced myself to step forward approaching her. With Kanon still held onto me. This. Is. The. Most. Awkward. Moment. I've ever had. Being in a same room with Kanon and Yuria was never exist in my mind. And it has to be happened like, now?
"I..uh..Hi, Yuria. Ah, you already know her right? It's Kimoto Kanon. Non-chan, this is Kizaki Yuria." I introduced her to Yuria. I saw Yuria narrowed her eyes to me when I introduced her to Kanon, but then it was fine when they were smiling to each other and did a little handshake. Our meetings had to be ended as Yuria quickly asked to leave. Thank God it didn't last longer otherwise I might die unpretty cause of massive awkwardness.
The door screeched behind me as I slide it shut. I walked to the kitchen when a pair of arms hugged my stomach from back. Without looking back I stopped and sighed, "What is it?"
"Is that your old friend you told me this morning?" Kanon put her chin in my shoulder. I nodded. "Non-chan, what are we eating for dinner?" I flipped the topic. I didn't want any conversation about her with Kanon. That would add the page of my sins list. She let go and stood in front of me, "Ah gomen, I forgot to cook as I promised. But there are some cup noodles. Is that okay?" I looked at her expression of worry. Ah Kanon, you shouldn't be worrying a person like me.
"Mm. It's okay. We could go by that." I smiled. She smiled back and leaned closer, kissed me. I closed my eyes as I felt her warm lips rubbing against mine. I kissed her back delicately and she landed her lips on my jawline down to my neck. I moved myself to our room while she kept nibbling on my neck. I stumbled backwards and I landed smoothly on top of the medium sized bed with Kanon on top of me.
She stopped and panting, "Kuumin, Kizaki Yuria…"
My heartbeat faster as that name being spoken, what the heck was she wanting to talk about?
"Yeah, Non-chan?"
"Did you use to love her?"
I didn't know how to respond to that. Why was she asking that? If I said no it would be a lie, and yes would imply that I don't love Yuria anymore, and that is an egregious lie too. I say nothing instead, I pulled her closer. Asking her to keep kissing me.
But seemed like Kanon's sense became stronger or all my lies became revealed smoothly when she took my silence as an answer. She smiled bitterly and kissed my cheek, "Have a nice dream" before threw herself beside me with her back facing me. I inhaled and exhaled deeply. And that night, I decided to hold her waist as we slept, something rare I did. Guiltiness ran through my blood spine, giving me internal shock of stressful thinking.
In the morning I woke up to the smell of coffee. Kanon was sitting at the kitchen table in the corner, munching on toast. "Ah you awake. Your coffee is there." She pointed at the table. I walked slowly and sat down after pulling a chair. "Thank you" I mumbled as I began to sip the coffee.
"I'm moving out in a week," she announced. I stopped drinking and blinked at her in surprise. She shrugged.
"You should call Yuria up," she said. In her face was resignation. I felt horrible. It's been years I lied to her but this time was the first time I felt so…guilty about her.
"Listen, Non-chan" I started. I didn't want to lie anymore, "I haven't talked to her for years, and-" She cut my talking.
"You should talk to her then," she said sharply. Her voice is shaking. She put down the mug and I saw she tried holding back the tears by clenching her jaw. I stared at her wordlessly. There are bags under her eyes. Oh My God, was she silently crying last night?
"But, why Kanon? I didn't do anything…"
"I checked your phone. You still have her picture in your wallet. I heard your sleep-talking, Yuria's name always came up. And you always looked like thinking about someone else every day, it must be her. And yesterday? You two blushed as you began talking to her. Am I right?" Kanon's words stabbed right in my heart. I'm going to apologize. I MUST apologize.
"Non-chan, I didn't mean…"
"No, no need to say anything. Not all is your fault. I supposed to break up with you two years ago after I found out all the traits. But I just couldn't. I love you too much, Yagami Kumi. I thought it was okay after all as long as I'm with the one I love." Tears welled up in her eyes as she clenched her jaw tighter, tried holding the tears as hard as she could. I only stayed silent in my place, shocked. This morning was too much for me to take.
"Your breakfast is going to get cold," she realized I was staring at her. She walked into the fridge and avoided my eyes.
A week after that, in the morning, we did the breakfast together. My last breakfast with Kanon.
Silence fulfilled the room. Only the clinging sounds of spoons roaring the kitchen.
"Ne…Kuumin, can I talk to her sometime?" she asked suddenly.
"I…think so." I responded properly.
We lapse into silence again before I helped her carry her stuff and she kissed me on the cheek and left using taxi.
Five months later…
"No, you're like a grandpa!"
"Eeeh, try putting this on you!" I replied and gave her the fake beard. She giggled and ran away. I caught her by the waist and kissed her. We both laughed.
"Yuria…I love you"
"I love you too, Kuuchan"