Goodbye to You
A/N: I heard this song again recently and thought it would be appropriate for this story. And if you listen to the song while reading it's especially poignant! Or so I think… Can you all tell that I love writing from Jackie's POV? Maybe because I think the writers gave her a raw deal….
Disclaimer: I don't own THAT 70S SHOW nor the lyrics to GOODBYE TO YOU by Michelle Branch.
Crap, she thought, and looked over at the clock on her nightstand. She could barely read it in the moonlight, but she knew that it was almost two am. She sighed, and sat up, turning on her light. Jackie, you won't get any sleep tonight, she thought, and smiled slightly. She was too nervous and excited to be leaving for New York the next day. She threw the covers off her, and walked to the mirror at her dresser. She ran a brush through her hair quickly, threw on her sandals, grabbed a mysterious package, and left her room, and then the house.
I can't believe I leave tomorrow, she thought, staring up at the night sky. August in Point Place always had the brightest stars. New York City had no stars. She would miss the stars. I won't be able to walk around Manhattan at one in the morning, that's for sure, she thought. Cherish this last walk in the moonlight. It will be your last for a long time. At least until next summer. But she knew she probably wasn't coming back next summer. Or any time. Jackie was saying goodbye to Point Place. It was hard, but necessary. She knew that the town held her back. The people did too, as much as they didn't mean to.
Especially one. And he didn't even care that she existed. Why was it so hard to say goodbye to the one who treated her the worst? She clutched the box to her chest, and looked down at it. He had wanted a goodbye, but she didn't want to give it to him. Was it because she didn't want to leave him? Or was it because she knew that if she saw him she wouldn't leave? She knew it was the latter. If one thing could make her stay, it would be Steven Hyde.
Of all the things I've believed in
I just wanna get it over with.
Tears form behind my eyes, but I do not cry.
Counting the days that pass me by.
I've been searching deep down in my soul,
words that I'm hearing are starting to get old.
Feels like I'm starting all over again.
The last three years were just pretend.
And I say goodbye to you.
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew.
You were the one I loved,
The one thing that I tried to hold on to.
Their falling out was the worst one she'd ever had. And it still hurt, even though they hadn't talked. Maybe that was part of it. The lack of communication hurt so bad, she could barely breathe. Just the thought of losing him ached, but she knew she had already lost him. And she had to let go, even if she didn't want to. She had never been able to do so, and she was ashamed of it. She hated herself for being the obsessive ex who could never move on. But now she was doing just that, and it felt wonderful and awful both at once. Because until now, she never actually had to say goodbye. Until now, that wasn't the truth, because she'd always come back eventually. Not this time, though. This time it was for good. So long as she didn't have to interact with him.
I still get lost in your eyes,
And it seems that I
can't live a day without you.
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light.
But it's not right.
Why must this town have all my happy memories as well as my bad ones? She thought as she walked into the Foreman's driveway. There had been so many great things that happened in the two houses she was standing before. In Donna's house she had found a home when hers was broken, and she had forged a friendship that was absurd and rock solid. Donna was the best friend she had ever had, and also the most unlikely. But after that summer of bonding and tears it was undeniable that they were so close they could read each other's thoughts. And in Eric's house she'd found her true friends, and her true love. There had been laughter and tears and fights in that house. There had been happiness, sadness, anger, and love. She had first felt real love, not puppy love, in the arms of Steven, while they slept in his basement room. That night she had found herself watching him sleep, and tears streamed down her face while she did so because he was so beautiful. She cried because she knew she was in love. It was a scary emotion, because it had so much power. The power to create and also destroy.
For her it felt like love only brought destruction, as all her relationships fell apart. She sat on the back porch, being as quiet as she could be. She hoped that no one was awake, her worst fear was that someone would find her out there, holding the package, fighting off the tears that were threatening to burst from her eyes.
Goodbye to you.
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew.
You were the one I loved,
The one thing that I tried to hold on to.
She ran her hand up and down the pillar to the porch, and smiled a little to herself. She already knew that she couldn't come back, as much as it was painful. It was because of these memories and facts that she had tied herself to this town. But that was all they were: memories. It wasn't reality anymore. All she had was nostalgia and the hope and wish that it could all just go back to how it was before it had come crashing down around her. And she couldn't live on that.
She set the package down, and kissed her hand and touched it to the Foreman's window. She walked around the house to the front, so she could get one last look at it. Unfortunately, there was a soft glow coming from within, of late night television. And she had to see who it was watching the TV. She crept up to the window, and she immediately regretted her choice. It was Hyde. She had to put a hand to her mouth to keep the sob from coming out, not that he would have heard it if she had let it. He looked so sad just watching the television. She wondered if he was thinking about her, because she knew damn well that she had thought a lot about him in the past year. But she had the feeling that he wasn't even considering her departure. She wiped the tears from her eyes, and he looked up. As if he knew she was out there, watching. The old Jackie would have stayed in sight, made sure he'd seen her. But this one hid from the window, pressing her back against the side of the house, holding her hand to her mouth as the tears fell.
It hurts to want everything
and nothing at the same time.
I want what's yours and I want what's mine.
I want you, but I'm not giving in this time.
She held her hands to her head, and felt her legs running from the house. She was realistic now. She knew that if she had been visible, and he had seen her, she would have stayed. Like Chicago. She threw that away for him and it was all in vain. She wasn't going to throw New York away too. Especially if he didn't love her.
She stopped running halfway down the block. Now she was just wiping her eyes, and crying, and not only saying goodbye to the Foremans, or Donna, or Steven. She was saying goodbye to herself. Because she knew that when she left Point Place, she would change. And she wanted to change. She had to.
But it's always hard to say goodbye.
She stopped in the middle of the main street of Point Place, and looked up at the stars again. She put her hands to her lips, and blew a kiss to the starry sky.
"Goodbye," she said, voice raspy from the tears. "Goodbye, Point Friggin' Place!" She spun briefly in the breeze, and began the walk back to her house. And though she knew she was just imagining it, she could have sworn that Point Place said goodbye as well.
Goodbye to you.
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew.
You were the one I loved,
The one thing that I tried to hold onto.
The one thing that I tried to hold onto.
And when the stars fall I will lie awake.
You're my shooting star.