Ranma 12: Yoshi's Monkey Business

by Vladimir Klaud

A new cursed individual arrives at the dojo, but this one isn't carrying a grudge. Rather, a special stone. One that a lot of folks are gonna wanna get their hands on.

Ranma 1/2: Getting Stoned! Yoshi's Monkey Business

by Vladimir Klaud

The stranger arrived in town in the afternoon.
"Excuse me," he asked a bystander. "I am looking for the Tendo School of Anything Goes Martial Arts."
The bystander gave him the directions, whereupon the stranger returned his thanks and proceeded on his way.

Akane Tendo was on her way home from school, pretending not to notice the soaking wet red-haired girl who was accompanying her while balancing on the tops of the fences and walls along the way.
"Akane, how many times do I gotta say it! It wasn't my fault!"
"Just don't even talk to me," answered Akane, a little too calmly.
"Why won't you ever listen to me? You are so uncute!"
That always got Akane's attention. She whirled to face Ranma angrily.
"So I'm not cute! At least I'm not a pervert like you are!"
That always got Ranma's.
"That's rich, coming from a girl who sleeps with a pig!"
"You leave P-chan out of this!"
And so on...
They were still arguing when they reached the dojo. Inside, though, they fell quiet when they saw Soun speaking with a stranger.
"Ah! Here is my youngest daughter and her fia...uh...friend," Soun noticed almost too late that Ranma was in his girl form. There was no need to tell the stranger about his future son-in-law's curse. "Akane, and, uh, Ranko, meet our newest student, Yoshi Kumohito."
"Ranko" couldn't be more thrilled to see this new customer. As far as "she" knew, the Tendo and Saotome families were the last practitioners of Anything Goes martial arts left in the world. Well, outside of that old freak, Happosai, anyway. And, oh yeah, that Miss Hinako, too, though all she knew was that Happo Five Yen Watchamacallit. Still, for her, that was plenty.
Ever since Ranma and his dad had started freeloading from the Tendos, it was rare that the dojo had any business. That was bad because they were all quite fond of eating, and in order to keep eating they needed a source of income. Not only did this Kumohito guy look like their next meal ticket, he was a new potential sparring partner. Ranma was always eager to test his mettle against anyone. And it would be especially challenging to spar with a guy who would soon learn all the techniques that Ranma himself already knew. Okay, not everything. After all, if the master didn't keep some secrets, he wouldn't remain the master very long, now, would he?
"Cool," said Ranko, shaking Yoshi's hand.
"How do you do?" greeted Akane with a slight bow of her head.
"How charming the both of you are," remarked Yoshi. "I should probably tell you all that I come here not entirely a neophyte to martial arts. I have heard much about this school where I come from. I would be especially honored to be instructed by the one known as Ranma Saotome."
A slow smirk spread over Ranko's face, while a startled look came over Akane's.
"Uh-h-h-h, Ranma?" asked Akane. "Why him, especially?"
"In my village, there are many who speak of the powerful opponents he has defeated in battle. Some even swear he has a mysterious ability to change form. I would reward him handsomely if he would teach me his secrets."
"You know," said Ranko cheerfully, "I think I might know where he is right now, if you'd like me to go get him."
"Thank you, kindly," bowed the stranger.
Ranko dashed off upstairs, making a beeline to the shower. A little sprinkle of hot water later, Ranma was himself again. He toweled himself dry and sauntered back downstairs.
"Yo!" he announced. "What's this I hear about someone wanting to be my student?"
Akane rolled her eyes, but she re-introduced Ranma to Yoshi.
"Then you are he," noted the stranger. "Would you honor me with a preliminary match on the floor of your dojo?"
"Hey, no problem. I'm ready anytime, anywhere. Might as well find out how good you are right now."
"Son!" cautioned Soun in Ranma's ear. "This is the first customer we've had in weeks. We can't afford to send him away screaming...if you catch my drift."
"Don't worry, Mr. Tendo, I always go easy on my opponents until I know what they're capable of. Just leave it to me."
To Yoshi, he said, "Follow me."

The match amounted to nothing more than simple exercise. Even Akane was getting bored watching from the sidelines. Presently, she was joined by a curious sister Nabiki.
"Hey, who's the fox?" she asked Akane.
"A new customer," Akane explained. "His name's Yoshi Kumohito."
"New customer, eh? Did Dad negotiate the fee with him yet?"
"How should I know?"
Nabiki shook her head sadly at her sister. "Akane, Akane, Akane. How will you manage this place when you inherit it, when you don't even have your priorities straight? If he's as lame at martial arts as he looks, he's going to need all the help he can get. Which will require our premium deal, right?"
"What are you talking about? We charge everyone a standard rate!"
"Yeah, but what if this guy's loaded, eh? He won't miss it if we charged double in his case," Nabiki winked and nudged Akane.
"Nabiki! How could you even suggest ripping somebody off like that!"
"You mean you'd rather go another whole week eating nothing but rice?"
Akane sighed, but she didn't answer. Nabiki had a point. Scruples were fine when your belly was full.
Ranma was only slightly less bored than Akane was with this match. Fighting P-chan would have been more of a challenge. He couldn't resist tripping Yoshi just to show him how easily he could get the upper hand.
"You okay?" he grinned, looking down on his fallen opponent.
"Something tells me you could have dispatched me much sooner had you wished to," surmised Yoshi. "It seems I have found the correct teacher. Now, I can only hope he will accept the only thing I can offer as payment..."
He reached inside his tunic and produced an egg-sized stone with ancient-looking carvings on it.
"What the heck is that supposed to be!" demanded Ranma.
Nabiki's sentiments, exactly. She shrugged, turned around, and went on her way. "Should've known it was too good to be true."
Yoshi immediately pulled out a water pistol with his other hand and gave Ranma a squirt in the face as his reply. Girl-type Ranma was now before him. Astonished, Akane moved in.
"This, my dear 'Ranko', is something that can rid you of your curse," explained Yoshi.
"Hey!" Ranma wiped "her" face with a sleeve. "So you knew all along."
Then "she" stopped, dumbfounded, when what Yoshi said had sunk in. "What did you say? Rid me of my curse?"
"I was tricked into purchasing it by a wiley merchant who placed it in my hand without telling me it was charged,' Yoshi indicated the stone, which he placed on the floor. "Observe."
Yoshi squirted himself with the water gun. Before Ranma and Akane's eyes, he transformed into a monkey.
"Oh! How cute!" exclaimed Akane.
The monkey held up a finger in a "one moment" gesture. It picked up the stone - and reverted back to Yoshi. "As you can see, the stone has now absorbed my curse into itself. The next flesh that it touches will receive the monkey curse. Even me."
He wrapped the stone in a handkerchief before he returned the stone back to the hidden pocket of his tunic.
Yoshi squirted himself again, only this time he didn't change. "The merchant told me it had a long line of owners, starting with a Chinese fellow who ran afoul of the cursed springs of Jusenkyo. I am told there is a mountain range there where special stones like this can be found. Makes sense, doesn't it? The stones are yin to the water's yang."
"Hold on," said Ranma. "So before it can draw a curse away from someone, it has to discharge the one it's holding now?"
"That's correct. You'll need to touch the stone to someone else to empty it of the monkey curse, before you can charge it with yours. Then, whoever else touches it will get your curse. So, what do you say? Will you accept it as payment for teaching me your fighting skills?"
"Sounds like a fair trade to me," said Ranma.
"RANMA!" Akane grabbed Ranma's red pigtail and pulled "her" away from Yoshi for a private conversation.
"OW! Geez, Akane! What's your problem, now?"
Akane looked at "her" through narrowed eyes and folded her arms. "And just what poor sap did you have in mind to transfer those curses to?"
"Hmm. Good point. It'd have to be someone who really deserved them, I guess. Hey! What if I gave my girl-curse to you? It's not like you'd notice any difference, right?"
Akane took a shocked step back away from him. "OH, NO, you don't! How DARE you suggest using me as your guinea pig!"
"Come on, Akane! Would it really kill you to become cute for a change when you take a cold shower?"
First Akane growled. Then she clobbered Ranma before storming off in her usual huff.

Soun was less than pleased at the supper table that evening. "If I understand correctly, son, you are agreeing to teach Yoshi - in my dojo - even though he has admitted to you that he has no money!"
"Hey, it's what I hafta do if I want that curse-lifting stone of his," explained Ranma, now back in male form.
His father, Genma, who was in panda form, perked up when he heard this. He held up a wooden sign that said, "Curse-lifting stone?" Taking hold of the tea kettle, he doused himself with a little hot water, so he could converse in human form.
"Ranma! If he's such a wimp, why not just challenge him for it and be done with him? Haven't I always taught you that in Anything Goes Martial Arts, a man must be prepared to fight for what he wants?"
"Aw, I couldn't do that to the guy. Like Akane says, it's not right to bully the weak. Besides, I touch that stone the way it is now, I'll probably end up changin' into a girl monkey, or somethin'.
"That's right," added Akane. "It doesn't cure curses, it transfers them!"
Happosai - Genma and Soun's unwanted master of the founding school of Anything Goes (and part-time panty-thief) - gulped another mouthful of rice at the table. "So! You put your curse in the stone, and whoever else it touches will become a pretty girl, eh?" Hmmmmm...imagine! Female Ranma's body without that ingrate Ranma inside her! Dare I hope...?
Images of Cologne transforming back into a pretty young thing with a splash of water swam through his perverted little mind.
"Squeeeeeeeee!" said a little black pig who had wandered in from nowhere minutes earlier - but no one had noticed him until he had called attention to himself just now.
"P-chan!" exclaimed Akane. "Come here, baby!"
The poor little thing seemed torn between running to Akane, and desperately wanting to be someplace else. It whined with watery eyes. Making up its mind, it dashed back out into the yard.
Probably to find Yoshi, smirked Ranma. I wouldn't put it past Porky to try and get the stone to cure himself alone.
Ryoga usually put on a calm exterior, especially for Akane's benefit, but that was just a mask to hide his unstable personality. If his normally lousy sense of direction didn't kick in, he might actually find Yoshi and screw things up big time.
"Excuse me," Ranma jumped up and took off after the pig.
Akane was instantly miffed at him. She, too, was instantly on her feet and after Ranma. "Ranma! Stop chasing poor P-chan!"

Ryoga knew that as P-chan he was in no shape to confront Yoshi. He needed hot water and he needed to shake off Ranma. He had no sense of direction, so he scampered away from the Tendo residence, keeping his piggy eyes peeled for any hot liquids he could use along the way.
As luck would have it, he stumbled over to the restaurant run by Cologne and Shampoo. Something was always cooking there. All he had to do was jump into it.
Right behind him was Ranma. And right behind Ranma was Akane.
Once inside, P-chan sneaked under the tables to keep from being noticed by anyone. Being that it was dinnertime, the place was packed with customers. It wasn't hard for a little black pig with some sense to stay out of sight as he made his way to where the dishes were being washed.
"Where are you, you little...?" Ranma demanded upon bursting in.
Shampoo had just brought a customer an order of ramen at that moment. "Ranma! You come at bad time to ask Shampoo for date! But Shampoo forgive you!"
Shampoo wrapped herself around Ranma like a lovesick anaconda.
"Hey!" protested Ranma. "Shampoo! That's not why I'm...!"
Akane entered at that moment and saw the two of them locked in a more than just friendly embrace. It was bad enough that Ranma needed to chase poor P-chan all the way over here, but now here he was getting Shampoo started again - and not doing anything to stop it, as usual!
Angrily, she snatched a glass of water from some innocent customer's table, and splashed them both, before turning up her nose and leaving.
Girl-type Ranma found cat-type Shampoo clinging to "her." "She" screamed.
"Get off me! Get off me!" Ranma ran around in crazed little circles, scared to death of cats, but not wanting to hurt Shampoo, either.
Once Shampoo realized what happened, she let go and dashed off toward the roomy pot-washing sink. As she leaped up to take a quick dip in the hot water, she collided with an equally-eager P-chan. Both landed in the sink with a splash.
Now, in human form - and quite naked - Shampoo and Ryoga's heads popped out of the soapy water and stared at each other, their cheeks turning redder with each passing second.
"What stupid pig-boy doing here?" demanded Shampoo, whacking him across the face.
"Ow! Take it easy! Just needed some hot water! You should understand," explained Ryoga.
Shampoo wasn't really interested in his explanations. She covered herself with her arms and screamed.
Mousse, who was responsible for washing the pots, came running - and saw his beloved Shampoo skinny-dipping with Ryoga in the sink. He stopped to take his glasses off and wipe them first, so he could be sure of what he was seeing. Putting them back on, he saw there was no doubt about it.
"Ryoga!" he growled, his breathing becoming shallower with each second. "Even Ranma wouldn't DARE such a depraved act! And under my very nose, no less!"
Ryoga held up his hands in supplication. "I know how this must look, but it's perfectly innocent, I tell you!"
"Innocent!" shrieked Mousse. "What do you take me for, you enemy of women!"
Some very deadly-looking cutlery sprang up Mousse's sleeves and into his waiting palms. "RYOGA HIBIKI! PREPARE TO DIE!"
"Hai-ya! Mousse get pervert pig-boy!" said Shampoo, with an evil smirk.
Ryoga knew it was time to make himself scarce. Ducking Mousse's slashing blades, he burst through the rear exit of the restaurant. Mousse desperately needed to be taught a lesson about jumping to conclusions; but in his current state of undress, Ryoga reasoned now was not the best time. Right now, he needed to find his clothes. And with his rotten sense of direction, and Mousse dogging him all the way, that was going to be pure hell.

"Listen, Yoshi," said Ranma. "Ya gotta promise me that you won't let anyone else have that stone before me. You and me, we got a deal goin', right?"
Ranma was back in his normal form when he found Yoshi near the high school grounds.
Yoshi was seated on the ground, with his back against a tree. "The deal was you get the stone once you have taught me all that you know about fighting. I trust that will not be overnight. Meanwhile, if another poor cursed soul can offer me something I need in return for my services, what is wrong with me helping him as well?"
"You don't know Ryoga," said Ranma. "All he has in the world is what he carries on his back, and that stupid umbrella of his. He lives on handouts. He's got nuthin' to offer you, except a challenge. And, no offense, the way you fight now, he'll whip you in two seconds flat. And once he cures himself, I wouldn't put it past him to get rid of it just to spite me."
"Then, it is in your best interest to teach me quickly, before he finds me, isn't it?"
"This isn't a game, Yoshi!" Ranma approached him in anger. "We're talkin' about the rest of my life, here! If I wanted to, I could challenge you, myself! Is that what you really want?"
Yoshi paled at the threat. Before he could answer, he found himself suddenly blinded by something. Then someone began tickling him in the darkness. Just as quickly as it started, it stopped.
Yoshi removed the object that was blindfolding him. It looked like a brassiere!
"I found it!" cried a triumphant Happosai, holding the stone aloft, still wrapped in its handkerchief.
"Hey! You better gimme that, you old freak, or I'll..." threatened Ranma.
"Or you'll...what?" laughed Happosai, snatching back his precious bra and bouncing away like a gazelle.
Ranma went after him. "No fair! What the heck do you want it for anyway?"
"That's for me to know and you to find out," taunted the little pervert, springing to the top of a nearby roof.
Ranma followed in hot pursuit. He wasn't about to let that old freak ruin it for him, not while he was this close to a cure. "You come back here before I really get mad!"

Surprisingly, that was just about what Happosai did. Picking himself a comfortable place to sit, he lit up his pipe and leisurely drew a few puffs from it in bliss while waiting for Ranma to catch up to him.
"All right," demanded Ranma. "Hand it over."
"Not so fast," said Happosai. "First, some gratitude to me is in order, doncha think?"
"Gratitude!"
"That's right! At the rate you were going, Ryoga would've snatched this little beauty long before you. Y'oughta be thanking me for cutting to the chase!"
"Sure, Gramps, you were just lookin' out for me all along," Ranma sneered. "Do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck? What are you really up to?"
"Look, Ranma, there's no reason why we both can't have what we want, eh?" winked the old man. "You want to get rid of your better half, right? I just wanna give her a nice new home, that's all!"
Ranma's eyes widened. "Geez, I knew you were a pervert an' all, but I never suspected..."
"What are you babbling about?"
"Sure!" continued Ranma. "It all makes sense now! All those bras and panties you steal. Oh, man! You probably put 'em on when no one's lookin', doncha? Just how long have you been secretly wishin' you were a girl, anyway?"
"WHAT!" Happosai leaped up and whacked Ranma smartly on the head with his pipe. "Now you listen to me, you ignorant ingrate! Pervert, I may be, but I'm no fruit! I'm talking about Cologne, you idiot!"
"Well, fine, then," agreed Ranma, gingerly rubbing the bump on his head. "If she wants my curse, she can have it, I suppose..."
"Whoopee!" Happosai launched himself straight into the air in pure joy, as he unwrapped the handkerchief from around the stone. "You just put that pretty young thing in here, and I'll be on my way to see Cologne..."
"Wait! No! STOP!" screamed Ranma.
It was too late. Happy had accidentally contacted the stone himself.
"Oops," was the last thing he said as a human being.

Now Ranma was in hot pursuit of a bald screeching monkey with big eyes, which was clutching the stone in an iron grip, as if it meant life itself. And as if tailing Happosai wasn't hard enough, it was made doubly hard by the fact that he now had a tail! A prehensiled one. Now the old lech could take to the trees and disappear. And he did.
"Great," spat a frustrated Ranma. "I lost him."
Monkey-type Happosai took a breather in a tree next to a water fountain. At first, becoming a monkey was a total shock to him, but he now realized that as long as he had the stone, his cure was always at hand. And being a monkey certainly had its advantages. Having a fifth appendage to grab and climb with was one of them. And while an old man stealing ladies' unmentionables was a pervert, a monkey doing that was just a nuisance at worst. At best, he was cute. His mind whirled at the prospect of doubling or tripling his usual haul!
Presently, a girl on rollerblades came to take a drink from the fountain. Looking up as she wiped her mouth, her eyes widened when she spied the cute little monkey resting on the branch above.
"Hillary! Hillary!" she cried with glee, snatching him from the tree and whirling around, squeezing him tightly to her bosom. Happy didn't fight it. As long as his face was buried in her cleavage, he didn't care what she called him.
"Would Hillary like Azusa to take her home, now?" the girl told him.
She skated past Ranma, who was still keeping his eyes peeled for that darned little monkey.
"Huh?" he said to himself, suddenly noticing. "That was Azusa Shiratori! What's that she's got now?"
He took off after her. "Hey, Azusa! Wait up!"
Azusa spun around to face Ranma with a very determined look on her face "This is Azusa's little Hillary!"
"Relax!" smiled Ranma. "I don't want your little Hillary. I just wanted to warn you that Hillary was about to crack you on the head with that rock."
"Hmm?" Azusa saw that the monkey was indeed holding a rock. One with pretty carvings all over it. "Ah! William! William!"
Using the "chestnuts roasting on an open fire" technique, Ranma quickly relieved her of "William" before she or the old freak could do anything to stop him. The instant his fingers contacted the stone, he could almost feel his curse draining into it! Now all he needed to do was discharge it somewhere.
"I'll make a deal with you," said Ranma, elated beyond words. "You let me borrow William for a little while, and you can keep Hillary for ever and ever. I won't tell a soul you have her."
"You promise?" asked Azusa.
"You have my word as a man," promised Ranma.
"It's a deal, then," agreed Azusa. "You bring William back soon, okay?"
"YESSSSS!" Ranma felt as if he would burst with joy.
Dashing back over to where the drinking fountain was, he took a breath and stuck his face into the cold water.
"I'M STILL A GUY!" he proclaimed to the world triumphantly.
This caused passers by to give him curious looks, but he didn't care.
"Never gonna be a girl again!" he sang.
Then he stopped. Unless this stone touches me again. I gotta touch it to somebody else first. Maybe the old freak was right. Cologne would probably appreciate bein' able to turn young and cute again. That old ghoul might even be grateful enough to quit tryin' to fix me up with Shampoo! Talk about killin' two birds with one stone! Ha! That's where I'm goin' next!
Meanwhile, Azusa hugged the monkey closer. "Don't be sad, Hillary. William will be back soon."
A single warm tear fell from her eye, splattering on the monkey's nose. When she looked again, there was a hideous little old man clinging to her chest.
She punted him into the air with a scream.

Ranma was just outside the entrance to the Cat Café, when something dropped out of the sky, kicking the stone out of his hand. It was Happosai! The stone ricocheted off the pavement and bounced off of Ranma's forehead before clunking Happy between the eyes. Both of them fell unconconscious.
Happy was the first to come back to his senses. Looking around, he remembered what happened with Azusa. Ranma was out cold on the sidewalk. Beside him was the stone.
Happy couldn't believe his luck!
"So! You brought it here to give my present to Cologne, yourself, eh? I'LL be the one she'll be grateful to, thank you very much!" Whipping out a pair of panties, Happy used them to protect his fingers from the stone as he picked it up.

Inside, the dinnertime crowd had subsided somewhat, which was okay by Cologne. With Mousse chasing Ryoga somewhere, she and Shampoo had to split the washing-up chore between themselves. And currently, great-granddaughter Shampoo was out on her bike with a home delivery. Looking up through the kitchen window at what she thought was another customer entering, Cologne was disappointed to see that it was only Happosai. She knew enough never to serve him. He never paid.
"Happy, what brings you to our humble little establishment today?" she asked, guardedly.
"Some of your world-famous ramen would be nice, for starters," he smiled, hopping up on a stool.
"I'll bet. But not until I see your money on the table, first. You're not stiffing me again with another one of your world-famous I.O.U's."
"I've got something better than money, my dear," he countered. "What would you say to the opportunity of becoming as young and gorgeous as the day we first met?"
Cologne looked at him cynically. "I'd say you must have polished off all of Soun's sake again. Go home and sleep it off."
"I see a little demonstration is in order," persisted Happy. "Hold out your hand."
She did. He brought out the stone, unwrapping the panties from one end of it.
"You have a mirror handy, don't you? I suggest you use it to kiss that wrinkley old prune face goodbye, and say hello to that pretty Cologne I fell in love with all those many years ago."
Cologne sighed impatiently, but she whipped out a handheld mirror and stared into it. She didn't know what his game was, but the quickest way to find out was to play along.
"Ready?" he asked.
Cologne nodded.
He touched the stone to her proffered hand. The next thing Cologne knew, there was an old monkey's face staring back at her from the mirror!
Happy gulped. "Uh...well, whadda ya know...that wasn't supposed to happen..."

Ranma sat up on the pavement outside, with his hand gently touching a new sore spot on his forehead.
Suddenly, he saw Happosai fly out of the café as if the Devil was after him. Happy jumped up on top of Ranma's head and used it as a springboard to take a flying leap over the busy street. Ranma didn't even have a second to react to that before he saw a monkey with long white hair also bursting out of the café in hot pursuit of Happy. The monkey was using Cologne's ornately carved cane as a pogo stick, and also made use of Ranma's head as a springboard across the street.
"Hey! What the - ? The old freak...is back to normal? The old ghoul is now...oh, no! That means I'm... NO, IT CAN'T BE!" Ranma dashed into the cafe, grabbed a glass of water from one of the tables and splashed himself.
Sure, enough, he was back in girl form. "NOOOOOOOOO! It's not fair! So close! I was SO CLOSE! Could things get any worse!"
"PIGTAILED GIRL!" cried a fellow with a wooden sword at his side, suddenly entering the place, and seizing Ranma in a very tight hug. "Weep not, my love! For it is I, Tatewaki Kuno, who could not help but recognize thy plaintive lament! It matters not what troubles thee, my red-haired princess, for soon it shall be of no consequence. Thus with a kiss upon thy sweet lips shall I make it all better!"
"Ask a stupid question," grumbled Ranma, punching Kuno's lights out, "Get a stupid answer."

"Whew!" said Happosai, mopping his brow with a pair of panties and stealing glances all around. "Lost her!"
From a tree above, the monkey with long white hair clopped him on the noggin with her cane. Happy dropped, the stone rolled away from his hand. The monkey picked it up and reverted to Cologne. When she noticed that her hands were suddenly not hairy any more, she whipped out a mirror to confirm that she was indeed herself again.
She turned an angry gaze back at Happy. "So! Make a monkey out of me, will you!"
"It's not fair," whimpered Happosai, seemingly unaware of Cologne. "I'm supposed to be the monkey. What happened to...?"
Suddenly, his memory flashed back to Azusa booting him into the air. In slow motion, he relived his landing, in which he kicked the stone out of Ranma's hand. It hit the sidewalk, then Ranma's head, then his, in that order.
"So that's it! She's back inside Ranma!" he realized, tearfully.
Cologne, meanwhile, was looking at the stone more closely. The carvings on it were familiar to her. She could read them easily, and did.
She gasped. "So that's what this is all about."

TO BE CONTINUED