Alright, this needs a bit of explaining. My friend and I started making cheese jokes about this episode of FullMetal Alchemist: Brotherhood (I'm very specific since I didn't like the first series). I don't remember why, & we were trying to figure out how Father would have gotten so much cheese. Here's my version of what happened.

Note:All the cheeses mentioned were copied from a Wikipedia article about Swiss cheeses

Note:Austria's violin is named after an actual Austrian violinist

Disclaimer: I don't own FullMetal Alchemist or Hetalia. I just watch & love both

I rummaged through my pantry, looking for some cheese to make some cheese fondue for lunch. I could not find any cheese. Odd, since Liechtenstein and I just bought some good, cheap cheese just the day before. No, no, no, I didn't believe that I had no cheese left!

My little sister, Liechtenstein peeked into the kitchen. She must have noticed my perplexed look to ask, "Is something wrong, Big Brother?"

"Yes," I sighed. "Liechtenstein, did you happen to have some cheese as a snack at all between last night and now?"

She shook her head.

"I can't say I have," she replied.

"Then where did all my cheese disappear to?" I fumed aloud, but to myself. An idea struck me. "I know. It must have been that stupid Austrian!"

I grabbed my gun and beret. I put on my jacket and hurried out of the house, quickly telling Liechtenstein, "Remember not to let anyone into the house." She barely uttered an "Okay" before I was out the door.

I charged over to Austria's house. The stupid aristocrat. Like he couldn't afford his own cheese. He always bought expensive foods as if he had enough money to throw away so easily. I really hated that man.

The sound of piano playing pierced my ears. I just had to follow the sound of music and I'd find the stupid Austrian. I followed the music and burst into a room. Austria carefully played some classical tune I didn't know. Not that I knew many classical tunes to begin with.

"Give me my cheese back you stupid Austrian!" I yelled.

I lifted my gun and shot towards the piano. I struck a violin instead. Austria's head shot up from the piano.

"What did you do to Graedener?" he cried in horror.

"You named your violin?" I questioned slowly. I shook my head to clear my thoughts. "Whatever. I want my cheese back."

Austria stared at me quizzically.

"Why would I want any of your cheap, low quality, disgusting cheese?" he asked as-a-matter-of-factly.

My fury got the best of me. Using the rifle I kept strapped on my back, I struck Austria across the face. Hard. He cried out. A large red welt began to swell on his cheek. Hungary hurried into the room, having heard Austria's cry.

"What happened?" she shrieked. She spotted the wound on Austria's face and hers darkened. In a menacing voice, she added, "What did you do to Austria?"

I couldn't answer. She was so terrifying, that I attempted to stutter out a reply.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, underground in a country called Amestris…..

Father lowered Greed into a bubbling vat. Greed laughed as the stone tabled that he was attached to inched closer to the vat.

"You know what. Dad?" he called. "This is really cheesy"

Father nodded. "You're right son. It is cheesy. That's because it is cheese." He transmuted cups for his children Lust, Envy, and Wrath to taste the cheese mixture.

"Where did you get so much cheese?" Envy inquired.

"I stole it from a Swiss man," Father simply answered. "He sounded familiar, so I decided to spare him."

"What kind of cheese is in here?" Lust wondered aloud

"Sbrinz, emmentaler, gruyère/greyerzer, L'Etivaz, berner alpkäse, schabziger, appenzeller, bündner bergkäse, mutschli, raclette, Tête de Moine, vacherin fribourgeois, vacherin Mont d'Or, formaggini, gala, büsciun da cavra, tomme vaudoise, among others," Father replied.

"That's a lot of cheese," Lust, Envy, and Wrath commented in perfect unison.

Envy dipped his cup into the vat and took a sip.

"I taste cheddar!" he cried excitedly. He turned to Lust. "Be careful, it's sharp."

Lust sighed. "That's so cheesy."

"That's nacho cheese!" Greed yelled. "It's mine!"

Everyone sighed at the joke older than them.

Greed laughed at his own joke as his body was lowered into the boiling vat.

Greed howled in laughter as he was melted down. "Bye guys! I'm not gonna miss you! Have a gouda day!"

Those were his final words. Greed's Philosophers Stone, as well as some cheese, traveled through tubes and landed in a glass cup. Father proceeded to drink Greed's remains and the cheese.

"Mmmm, cheesy," Father said happily.

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away in Switzerland…..

I dragged myself back to my house. Hungary had given me quite a beating all because I hit Austria. He's still a stupid aristocrat. I entered the house.

"I'm home, Liechtenstein," I called.

"Welcome back, Big Brother," she greeted me, smiling. Her smile turned to a look of worry when she saw my injuries. "What happened? Are you okay?"

I sighed. "I'm fine. My pride, on the other hand, isn't doing so well anymore."

"Oh dear." Liechtenstein looked down, as though she was embarrassed to ask me something.

"Is something wrong?" I asked her.

She blushed and replied, "Did you find the cheese?" Her stomach grumbled.

I took my place in the emo corner. "No."

Yes. This was utter crack written at about 1:30 A.M.