Author's Notes:
Inspired by Isayama's comment on Erwin's burial:
The Survey Corps had to move on quickly to fight further after Battle of Shiganshina, but Levi later returned and brought back Erwin's skeletonized body with him/buried him. Though a lot of soldiers perished, there was a special memorial service for Erwin.
Note that the goal here wasn't to showcase the ugly realism but to focus more on the emotional part.
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The road back to Shiganshina was quiet, the hooves of his horse and a small carriage tied behind producing the only sound around. Hange said he didn't have to do it alone, offering to form a squad to accompany him or at least make it the two of them but Levi firmly refused. He needed to do it alone.
They had a lot to deal with ever since that fateful day when they discovered the truth about the world they lived in and Levi didn't allow himself to lose sight of what had to be accomplished at the moment, there was no time to look back. Surrounded by chaos brought by new information and focused on the duties he buried his emotions deep inside and kept his thoughts in check not willing to drift into the past. But now when it was time to bury the Commander, the emotions started escaping to the surface bit by bit.
Focusing on the road straight ahead Levi ignored the aching feeling creeping up in his chest. He wasn't ready to break down just yet.
Levi was still calm when he reached the building where he left Erwin's body. Mildly noticing how well he remembered the scenery he didn't pause entering the building, afraid he won't be able to proceed if he did. He accepted Erwin's death long ago, hell, he was the one who decided it in the first place but somehow, seeing his motionless body again screamed of the finality. He would have to accept that there will be no Erwin for the rest of his life.
The flowers were dead, the air was thick and Erwin's body was still covered with the cloak. Levi kneeled in front of the bed, looking at the green fabric. Tentatively he reached out pulling it back, his breath hitched and the aching feeling grew larger. There was no Erwin indeed.
Levi didn't know how long it takes for the body to decompose leaving only bones behind. With all the deaths the Survey Corps faced and all the bodies left behind they never went back to check. He realised that, just a little, he still hoped to see Erwin's face again, but only faceless skull stared back at him now. Carefully he touched the cheekbone, his hand shaking. It was the harsh reality now, what was left of Erwin. Levi wasn't sure if seeing his face would be better at this point. Nothing would be better, he decided, tearing his gaze from the empty sockets, his attention drawn to the clothes still intact, the shirt he buttoned up himself on that day, instantly remembering the feel of each button in his fingers. The bolo tie lay loosely under the collar and Levi grabbed it squeezing in his hand and closing his eyes. Something familiar, something unchanged. Erwin won't need it anymore and he doubted anyone would notice it missing. Not allowing another thought about this he gently untied it and placed in his pocket. It was heavy and burning to the touch but he could think about it later.
He stood looking at Erwin's full form and wondering why he ever agreed to do this alone. He had nothing to be distracted with, all the thoughts zoning in on one.
Erwin. Erwin. Erwin.
He didn't know how long he stood like that. He didn't dare to touch the body again, the feeling of the sharp bones still fresh on his fingers. He could barely recall the feeling of Erwin's skin under his touch when the man was still alive and that's what made it all the more painful.
Levi was always apprehensive of touches. He never liked it when someone touched him, always avoiding it and reacting violently when someone dared to. He himself wasn't used to touching anyone as well, projecting his own attitude to personal space on others nor actually wishing to initiate any contact. Except, Erwin was different. And yet they never really touched each other, not the way they should have. Something unsaid always stopped them from going too far but it was never enough either.
Levi closed his eyes, desperately searching for all the moments when their fingers accidentally brushed, when Erwin lightly placed an encouraging hand on his shoulder or when Levi helped with clothes after Erwin lost his arm all the while being unnecessarily too careful. He saw the understanding in Erwin's eyes and Levi looked back, his gaze piercing and unwavering but the words died on their mouths before they even had a chance to be formed into something coherent. For Levi, it was unknown territory and Erwin for his part, was too respectful. Levi understood now that all the small touches they shared were always natural and welcomed. There were no boundaries between them, not really. But it was too late now to change anything. He will never know what a lingering touch would have felt like, he will never know what could have happened if they allowed themselves to be more daring, if there were no other pressing matters that constantly needed to be addressed.
If Erwin hadn't died.
Right now he was left only with the bones and the hollow sensation aching for what he could never have. The air around was too thick and hot and Levi started to have difficulty breathing. Opening his eyes he looked at the body and drew in a shaky breath. It was time to go.
Levi barely breathed while carrying the body outside, careful not let it fall apart. The weight of it was almost nonexistent on his arms but massive on his aching soul. Placing it down on the carriage and tying up so it won't be lost on a journey, he looked at the pallid skull one last time before covering it up with the cloak once again.
The road back was just as quiet only now all Levi could hear were his own thoughts, too noisy and messy.
He remembered how they first met and what a long road they made to form the undeniable trust they shared. They could communicate without words at times. He hoped that all this time Erwin knew what went unsaid. Just as Levi knew what all the glimpses of soft affectionate glances he caught on himself meant.
He remembered their brief conversations when they had some time off. Erwin was always eager to share some new tea he brought from the capital and Levi always ready to pass his own judgement on the taste. They didn't need to have long discussions, just the company of each other made them already content. Sometimes they caught each other's glances and the warm smile formed on Erwin's lips reflected Levi's own.
He remembered how they used to sit in Erwin's office discussing the upcoming mission or writing a report on the latest one. They wrote down casualties pausing each time on every name, the moment of silence for their lives, not wishing to just go over the numbers. They didn't talk about them, didn't try to remember how they were while still alive, leaving the mourning for the families and the closest ones. Everyone here was a soldier, everyone was prepared to die. And Erwin the most prepared of them all. So Levi dealt with his death in the same manner at first. He couldn't afford himself to be swept away by personal feelings and after holding himself together for so long and now bringing Erwin's body back it suddenly hit him that he was the closest one.
The memorial service was very official, full of honour and pompous speeches. Everyone around seemed heartbroken at the loss of Commander and still judgemental of Levi's decision. He just shrugged it off like he was used to, it wasn't their place to decide what was best. Levi still believed that the choice he made was right and would have done it again given the chance. Erwin died as a hero, facing duty instead of dreams, as a human, free of burden. Erwin wasn't made into a demon, forever imposing figure of hope for the sake of humanity. Erwin's life wasn't thrown back to this hell, prolonged only to die years later all the more tortured inside. Levi decided the time and place for Erwin to die, but it didn't mean he took his death easily. Levi was grieving and the longer he stayed at the service listening to all the speeches, memories and stories of Erwin, the more he broke inside. He himself stayed quiet and mostly unnoticed. He watched impassively as the coffin was brought down, the dull thump of it reaching the earth echoed painfully in his heart. All the while he didn't look away until the soil covered it fully. He didn't look away until the service was over and people started to scatter. He didn't look away until there was no sound left.
Levi looked around confirming he was alone. Emerging from the shadow he drew closer, the fresh ground underneath, the cold gravestone ahead. Erwin was finally left to rest in peace and now Levi had to find some peace for himself.
Sitting down on his knees he reached out with one hand to touch the stone. It was cold, just as he imagined. What else could he expect? Touching the stone won't bring him any closer to Erwin than touching the bones. But he still was clinging to it not able to pull away. His eyes skimmed through the engraved letters as yet another reminder that Erwin Smith died, clear confirmation set in stone. He placed another hand on the stone and put his forehead in between. He didn't need to see any reminder. Even without it, the emptiness Erwin left behind was painfully apparent.
Levi sat like that not moving, his thoughts still all over the place. He heard occasional footsteps nearby but they never approached closer. At this point, he didn't care who might have seen him like that. They all had their service, now it was time Levi had his.
He didn't know how long he stayed there. He didn't cry but he was lost in his thoughts sorting out every memory he had of Erwin, every smile, every laugh, every glance.
He heard footsteps once again but this time they didn't go away.
"Levi." It was Hange, quiet, careful but firm.
Levi didn't turn around. He wasn't ready to face anyone. Erwin's face still too vivid before his eyes.
There was a light touch on his back and for once he didn't flinch away. He could hear Hange sigh deeply as if she just succeeded in approaching a wounded animal.
He moved back from the stone and looked at her, his expression cool, not giving away anything like it was perfectly normal to sit for hours glued to the gravestone. Hange looked back not expressing anything either and sat down beside him. Levi searched for words but then suddenly he was pulled into a hug, his face placed gently on her shoulder. Levi froze, all the words that he might have found lost again. He didn't have any will or strength to pull away but he didn't relax into the touch either. Tender fingers found their way to his hair stroking softly and Levi closed his eyes powerless against the whole situation. Strangely enough, it seemed like this was exactly what he needed right now. His thoughts about Erwin brought him to a dead end, trapped in hollow grief with no way out. Hange offered him the way and he latched on, unable to reject it. He still wanted to say something but Hange soothed him with a soft "Shh," bringing him closer. "I know," nudging to relax and live through the moment. Unsure he wrapped a hand around her, the movement sharp and awkward.
He still didn't cry. Hange's shirt was getting wet under his cheeks all by itself, he thought absentmindedly.
Hange was the Commander now and he was still the Captain.
It hurt so much.
It hurt so much more to admit that this touch, this hug, this little comfort were never shared with Erwin and never will. Briefly, he tried to imagine him in Hange's place but it hurt too much.
They sat like that for a while, tears long stopped, never saying anything, silence wrapped around them like a protective bubble. Levi's hands still shook and the pain never went away but now he at least managed to bring shattered pieces of himself back together.
He moved to lean back and reluctantly Hange broke away too, looking at Levi with intensity but also calm. He looked back noticing her eye was red around the edges. Seeing the other eye covered with the black patch made a seething feeling settle in his chest. He didn't need to be angry or completely calm, he was determined now, the only purpose left for him, the only reason to live.
"I promised him," he whispered as he stood and Hange nodded, understanding what he meant and probably even more.
With Erwin's death, part of Levi died there with him and what was left might as well be Erwin's ghost wandering the earth fuelled by unfinished business.
Levi promised him and he had every intention to keep the promise.
He turned away not looking back, Erwin's voice and "Thank you, Levi" loud and clear in his mind.