Here's a little something for my favorite boy genius, Kidou. ^^ Another rather random one-shot I'm afraid but please bear with me, I'm trying my best to give you guys something entertaining and realistic to read. I hope you enjoy the truth of what happens when someone admits their homosexuality.

I don't know why but the idea of Kidou being gay is disturbing… I just hope it brings to light the true emotions of a gay.

I hope I've done the idea justice.

What do you really feel about Kidou? The question whirled around in my mind and made it hard to think about anything else but the aforementioned male. Why was I cursed with such annoying thoughts; plagued by the very images of him I would wish upon no one else? Why am I so unfortunate?

"Are you alright?" Kidou's husky voice made shivers run down my spine. What was wrong with me? There is no way I could be feeling this. Fudou had ribbed me about it so many times- the latest yesterday after the match when I'd been congratulating Kidou for his awesome strategies. I think he's coming on to me.

I still remembered that nasal voice cutting through the din and causing me to pale whilst Kidou had laughed and knocked it away like any other ordinary Fudou-jibe. But it had affected me in ways no one would understand- my problem was rare.

Not many people managed to develop a crush on Kidou Yuuto after they got to know him for a while. He was just too steady, loyal, understanding and comprehending. Of course he girls avoided him. Who would want him when they could have a guy who treated them like shit?

And then there was the little problem of him being rumored to be gay. I'll never understand why they think he's gay. He looks fine to me- unfortunately for my broken heart. It means I'll have to deal with being around him forever without ever without confessing my own feelings.

"Hey? You deaf or something?" Kidou's voice came from somewhere near me but I ignored it, preferring to deal with the tangible lies and rumors in my head- the evil whispers my heart enticed me with so as to capture me in the depths of desire.

I merely waved at him as if he were an insignificant bug.

I swept my hair to one side and decided to stop worrying about him for the umpteenth time. It was high time I got rid of my stupid crush. He'd never reciprocate anyway- but in my heart, I knew this was a lie. Just recently, Kidou had opened up to me again.

We've been friends for ever- since he loves chess as much as soccer- unknown to others although it's a pretty obvious game for him to choose. I mean, seriously, for fuck's sake, he is the most famous strategist on the field the world has seen on this side of the world and he's formidable even across the globe.

Not that I'm exaggerating- far from it. This time I'm not kidding. Kidou and I met through a chess match and I beat him once and never beat him again. I still hold it over him. It's fun to see his slight smirk as acknowledges his defeat with humble acceptance.

My mind tugged at me to let it loose in the field among the flowers which are memories with Kidou I share. But ignoring it and irking it in the process, I returned to my original train of thought.

"Okay, be that way. I'll meet you later in the park okay? See ya then daydreamer," I heard his beautiful voice but I was too busy thinking to even consider it and it was as if my body was on autopilot and my hand rose to wave at him as he left.

Of course, it was true. Kidou had been nicer to me ever since his sister Haruna had started dating Kazemaru. To tell you the truth, I know she dates Fudou behind both Kidou's and Kazemaru's backs and although I'm repulsed by her; puzzled how she could be related to Kidou, I promised I'd keep her secret.

She considers me the sister she never had. And I can't say anything because I know Kidou loves her and the moment I tell her to quit calling me that loathsome name will be the last day I shall be able to look Kidou in the eye so to speak.

So I let them laugh and I even laugh along with Kidou- anything for him.

And of course, Fudou had made the consequences of blabbing very clear. Crystal clear in fact. Nope, no going past that door anytime soon- not without heavily armed FBI agents at my side.

Lately, Kidou has been smiling at me extra brightly. He even confided a few secrets and he calls me late at night for no other reason than to talk to someone. Maybe- maybe, just maybe, he likes me back. My unrequited love shall finally see light- I shall be loved.

I was excited. Finally, the day was here. He'd even asked me to come meet him in the park. It was fate- destiny causing them to come together. We were meant to be, I knew it. A smile spread across my face and I hurried to make myself presentable for him.

I checked my watch, glancing at it quickly in between strides. It read six pm.

Dear Lord, I have no time at all if I'm to make the date at nine. I'm sure 'later' means nine... After all, all dates start at nine, right?

I hurried home and slipped into a shower, massaging shampoo into my hair and lathering it to create foam. The scent of apples soon pervaded the bathroom and I smiled. Kidou loved apples. After rinsing the shampoo out, I squeezed out a droplet of conditioner the size of an egg. Kidou was special, he was the One.

Surely I could spare a little extra effort on him today since he had just noticed me? I can't believe it, all those past attempts actually worked. Right now, I'm glad I tried so hard. Others would have called me an obsessive stalker but Kidou would understand.

He was simply perfect.

Shivering underneath the cold water, I rubbed the wonderfully scented soap across my arms, loving the sensation of being massaged- even if it was just me. Although that would change soon enough, I thought with a smile.

By the time I was out of the shower, it was close to eight and now I faced the dilemma of what to wear. It was important I wore the perfect outfit. I mean, what if my clothes sent the wrong kind of message? Like if I wore something that Aki girl wore, I'd turn him off sooner than a broken light bulb.

Honestly, where is that girl's sense of fashion?

Swathed in my white and blue bath robe, I shook my head and flung open the door to my closet, examining everything it had to offer.

''UGH! NOTHING'S RIGHT!" I screamed after about ten minutes of rummaging through the contents of my now-horribly unorganized closet. Kidou would have had a fit if he'd seen it. Most girls would curl up now and cry- rocking back and forth but not me.

I'd waited too long for Kidou to ask to just chicken out now. I was going to continue my mental rant and encouragements when I glanced at the clock and realized that I had no time whatsoever.

'I'm sorry Kidou, just make do with what I can throw on now,' I prayed silently to my God who is Kidou. I quickly grabbed a short sleeved white shirt which looked great against my tanned skin and I smiled. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad after all.

A few minutes of struggling with a pair of black skinny jeans and I was good to go. I had already known what to do with my hair- Kidou had once told me my hair looked awesome open and ever since then, I had never laid a hand on a pony band of any sort.

I nervously brushed my hair away from my face and was relieved to see tonight was going to be a good hair moment. It's about time I got one too. I could almost squeal with joy, the adrenaline surging through my body and making my heart beat faster than it had already been beating for the past few hours.

Throwing on a pair of white sneakers completed my ensemble- not trying too hard but not a hoe either nor was it a 'get-lost' outfit.

Perfect.

Now if only I could make the date, then everything would really be perfect.

Ten minutes later, panting heavily and cursing the park's distance from my home but maybe it symbolized something deeper. Maybe it meant that to be with Kidou, I had to leave my comforts behind. Well, they didn't have to ask ME twice!

Where do I sign up?

I saw him walking towards the gate, towards me and my heart soared. I swear, it literally flew out of my body, did a loop and then flew back in. I waved at him and saw him raise his eyebrows as he walked towards me.

He likes my outfit! Thank you Auntie Agnes for all the fashion advice!

He strode towards me, his face revealing nothing. Like it usually did but today, it spoke volumes- better than the volumes written by Stephanie Meyer-something. With bated breath, I waited for him to reach me.

"Where were you?" he stared at me angrily.

Okay, did not expect that at all. I was expecting something along the lines of 'wow' but it was a start all the same. So what if I was a little late? It was called being fashionable; side affects included losing your breath and getting sweaty.

"I was uh- occupied with something important," I smiled, relaxing. It wasn't exactly the truth but it wasn't a lie either. In fact, for me, it was nothing but the truth. Whole, simple and pure. I had been occupied with getting ready for him- trying to look perfect for tonight.

"Well, what the hell is wrong with you? I've been waiting for at least two hours! Do you have ANY idea what the time is right now? I was worried!" he was practically yelling when he uttered the last sentence, glaring at me. I didn't care.

A warm feeling of elation spread throughout me. He had been worried about me. I mean, I never meant for us to be best friends with benefits but over the past year, I'd been developing these feelings and I was so very confused about them at first but had accepted them later on. He had just found out about them- he'd need time to get throught it.

And I would bethere beside him, supporting him- supporting US all the way. I remembered that I had no one to tell my secret to and it had been torture.

I just had been too insecure to actually tell anyone, especially those closest to me about my crush- okay, it was more like 'crunch' now. It hurt so much to not be able to supply what Kidou needed at times, I realized why they called it a 'crush'.

The crushing feeling of rejection was too painful. I had experienced it once before and was in no mood to test my endurance once again.

I had been brought up in a strict family with careful laws- Over time, I had become the very thing which they despised more than anything in the world. I had become a slave to my passion and that, beyond anything was my mistake.

My cardinal sin- love.

"I was frantic, I tried calling your cell but you, for some stupid reason, switched it off! Shit!" Kidou ranted and I raised an arm to pause his tirade, barely able to suppress my emotions. I was just so damned nervous now that Kidou was so hostile right now.

"So where are we going to go then? Or are we staying here?" I smiled gently to let him know I cared and understood. But he stared at me so blankly that even I was perturbed.

"Going? We're not staying or going anywhere other than home! Get a move on then!" My dreams came shattering down to lie at my feet, broken and abused. I stared at him, my voice caught in my throat behind some off lump which had formed there.

Swallowing past it to make my voice understandable, I choked out, "But- but what about our date? I'm sorry I was late but I didn't mean to be!" I could feel the tears in my eyes and willed them to stay there and not ooze out. This was not a time to bawl- it was time to get some much needed answers.

"DATE?" Kidou shrieked, half hysterical and half furious- as though disgusted by the very idea of dating me. Okay, that really stung but I was determined to not show my tears yet.

"Yeah, date! What is this then?" I shot back, aware and grateful of the fact that there were no passersby to stare at them other than the occasional stray dog or cat who I knew would take this secret with them to the grave.

They didn't have a choice really- like the Fudou Haruna thing.

He stared at me, inhaling heavily and slowly exhaling before he stared at me weakly. "You're serious aren't you?" I nodded slowly to show my resolve, although if truth be told, it was draining away by the minute.

"I couldn't ever date you- I'm not like you and I'm sorry about it but you have to deal with it. I'll help you get though it but nothing more. Besides, I already like someone else and if you had so chosen, you'd have noticed that I've been dating her for a few weeks now. I hope you move on. I'll be sorry to lose your friendship, it's quite precious to me." With that, he turned tail and left me alone with my thoughts.

My world had crashed around me and he expected me to 'move on'? What kind of a sick joke was that, 'move on'? Move where? To the middle of Nowhere and if so, it'd still be impossible to get over him.

Move on to what exactly? There weren't many people like Kidou running around now were they?

"Why did you lead me on then, you frigging bastard?" I roared to no one in particular, sinking down to my feet slowly in dejection. How could I have not seen it? Girl? What girl?

And how could she have been more perfect for him than me? I was like the cat to his fiddle but it turned out a little weird… He played me like a fiddle alright- a truer fiddle couldn't have been born nor a more stupid fiddle in the entire universe throughout the course of history!

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. The word ran through my head as I buried my head into my knees in an attempt to block out the sound of Kidou's voice.

'I'll never be like you.' Kidou was disgusted when he discovered my true side. I trudged home grudgingly and flopped down on the bed, ignoring the call from my mother. She certainly wouldn't understand. No one would- not unless I found some idiot who was cursed with a fate as ill as mine.

Was everyone out there like this? Was my misfortune actually considered with such contempt as Kidou had exhibited? Only time would tell and at the moment, I wasn't exactly in the mood to find out either.

Honestly, I just wanted to curl up in a hole and die. I'm serious- I really am considering suicide.

The world is cruel, that I had always known but to what extent I had never known and never even bothered to find out. And now, it seemed that I was haunted by evils day and night. How could he have been so cruel?

Discriminating me- rejecting me- hating me, his best friend since fourth grade. How could his soul have been so disgusted by mine? Am I that abhorrent a creature that people flee at the merest sight of my true form?

Or was it because he was racist? My dark skin had never bothered him before so I'm pretty sure it wasn't it. Yes, the answer was the one I had known all along in the deepest, darkest reserves of my mind. Kidou Yuuto came from a respectable family and was a honorable person, unlike myself.

I had always been the one in the shadows, the one who was ignored and I had never minded- had only yearned a little love and yet he scorned me for all the times I spent making him laugh, for all the times I helped him smile and get over a broken heart and he was too blind to see me for what I was? For what I am?

I had learned my lesson the hard way- no one would accept me here. I'd have to go first thing next morning over to Kidou's and apologize- I'll have to come up with an excuse for tonight and after some thought, decided on alcohol.

But as I lay on my bed, drifting off to sleep, I wondered what was really so bad about my condition- why Kidou had run the way he had. Was I so bad? Was I not to be trusted? Was I a monster?

I stared at the group photo of me with my pals around me- Genda grinning into the camera, Kidou smiling, Fudou smirking whilst Haruna winked and was blowing a kiss. And I, I was at the side, my white locks spilling over my shoulders as I smiled easily into the camera. The year that picture had been taken had been a great one.

The year when I had not yet gotten these feelings to ail me, every single living moment of my life. Life had been so much simpler back then. No hiding, no tears, no rejection, no depression and best of all- care free days with my buddies.

I wanted my life back- I wanted to be the person I had been back when I hadn't started liking guys, when childhood's innocence and naivety and caused so much pleasure.

I was almost tearful to let the memories go. The pain of keeping something so horrendous, something so ghastly that it was epicly so, something like the fact that I was filth. But they'd never understand. Steeling myself, I sighed and made my decision. I would lie straight to their faces and cultivate my alter ego with caution.

I just wish I could go back to those simpler times now, as I lay on my bed, letting my tears slide from my cheeks to my already damp pillow.

Back when, I, Sakuma Jirou, had not realized I was gay.

Okay, now that it's over, I hope you don't hate me too strongly SakumaxGenda fans nor you KidouxSakuma fans. As for the HarunaxFudou pairing in this, it was just at a thought of how to drag dear old Kidou's sister into the scene. :)

Hope you liked it!

Lol! I was careful not to mention who the narrator was so it would intrigue the readers. I hope it worked like I wanted it to.

If you have any suggestions as to how I can add more detail to this, please do say so.