Dance of Death
Title: Dance of Death
Rating: PG-14
Fandom: CSI: Miami
Characters/Pairing: Ryan/Natalia friendship
Genre: Tragedy/Friendship
Summary: Because I could not stop for Death, he kindly stopped for me; the carriage held but just ourselves, and Immortality. ~ Emily Dickinson
Warnings: Character death.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters of CSI: Miami. I'm just borrowing them for a while :) All the mistakes are mine, so please forgive me.
Author's Note: My first CSI: Miami fic. Hope you all enjoy and reviews and criticism are highly appreciated.
"Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die."
~ Amelia Burr
It was five days before Christmas when she had first found out.
The news didn't terrify her, it didn't scare her. It simply just reminded her that she was human, like everyone else.
And every human has an end. Hers was about to come.
She didn't cry, she didn't curse, she didn't ask God why. She smiled, and, despite the fact that her life has just changed in a matter of seconds, she burst out laughing.
She continued to laugh for at least ten more minutes. Then, no matter how hard she tried, she laughed until tears started to form in her brown eyes, making them lose the shine they once had.
She couldn't help it.
It was human instincts.
Damn them.
She tossed and turned all night, trying to get some sleep while thinking about how short her life is, how her life was reduced into a matter of months.
She cried again, the tears wetting her pillow as she closed her eyes over and over again but they failed to complete the purpose she want them to.
Every time Natalia closed her eyes, the sees her life flashes before her eyes. She tried to shake these thoughts out of her brain; she wasn't going to die in an instant, after all.
No, she was just going to die soon.
Finally pushing aside those bitter thoughts, she felt asleep around four o'clock.
Natalia woke up to the morning sun casting over her face. It felt warmer than usual, which was probably why it woke her up before her alarm clock that was set at 6:30 for the first time had in ages. There was a split second of peace before she remembered why her eyes felt puffy. From the looks of it, they were red too. She sighed, getting ready for her shift at the lab.
Remembering yesterday, she ran a hand through her messy hair, trying to untangle some knots and failing. She decided to settle for a comb instead.
After a quick shower, Natalia applied some make-up, covering her slightly tired looking face. The last thing she wants was for a room full of well trained CSIs to notice her tired self.
Ryan first noticed there was something wrong with Natalia when one day in January, just a few days after new years, when he was asked to check up on her results for the DNA collected at the crime scene of a wealthy heiress, died from blunt force trauma. There was blood on the door handle of her room that was inconsistent with the blood in the room. It seem like it's been there for days whereas the blood everywhere else was fresh.
"Hey Ryan," Natalia greeted, holding a sheet of paper that contained the results for the test. "You came here for this?" she waved the paper in the air and Ryan smiled and nodded.
"Yeah. What do you got?" Ryan took the paper from Natalia and leaned on to the glass table.
Natalia leaned against the table as well, "here's what's interesting. The DNA profile of the door handle blood doesn't match our Vic, but it does match her boyfriend. But you said the blood looks like it's been there for at least three days but the boyfriend -"
"- said he was out in L.A. three for the entire week." Ryan finished, breaking out into a grin. "He doesn't have an alibi, he was lying!"
"Well, maybe it's time to ask him what his blood was doing on Alison's door handle when he was supposed to be at -" Natalia suddenly stopped, gasping for air. She started to break into a cough fit. Ryan's eyes widened with fear.
These coughs didn't sound normal, they sound sick. And Ryan was sure that it wasn't a good thing.
"Natalia!" he panicked, quickly wrapping an arm around her waist, patting her back to try and stop the cough. For the first time in years, he noticed just how skinny she was. "Natalia!"
She was clearly trying to stop too, taking a deep breath from her mouth and the cough seems to slow down a bit. "I'm fine," she managed to choke out before Ryan could call for help. "I'm fine, really." She turned to him and repeated.
Ryan didn't look convinced, "you want me to take you to the hospital? We could interview the boyfriend later, it's not like he's going anywhere."
Natalia shook her head, the coughing stopped completely. "I'm okay, I swear. It's just a cold." She cleared her throat, noticing the look Ryan was giving her. "Seriously," she said in a tone that made Ryan almost believe her, "I'll be fine."
"Okay, if you're sure," Ryan sighed reluctantly, removing his hand from around her waist. These cough sounded so much more serious than "just a cold", they sounded more life-threatening than that. But without further evidence, Ryan didn't want to make an assumption.
That's what CSIs are trained to do, wasn't it?
"You got lost a few ponds, haven't you?" he half joked, his eyes twinkling with tease. Natalia seemed to freeze at the comment but Ryan was too glad that the coughs stopped to notice.
Natalia's smile never quite actually reached her eyes, "did I? I haven't notice." She grabbed the papers and dropping the subject completely, "let's go find the boyfriend shall we?"
But what Ryan doesn't know is, these days; she's going to lose more than just a few pounds. More things are slipping away from her than she wished to admit.
Natalia lay in her hospital bed, staring at the ceiling for the umpteenth time the whole time she's been here. She's got familiar with the all the tiles. She counted all of them; bring a total of 187 squares ones and 13 rectangle ones around the edges.
And she found herself thinking that it's no wonder why people come to places like this to die. She's already dying out of boredom.
She was surprised when her mother had offered to pay the expenses for her hospital stay. Personally, Natalia had wanted to stay home and slowly being swallowed away by her faith. Her mother had argued that the hospital she picked out had a garden, giving Natalia more fresh air than she would've gotten in her house. Soon, she had accepted the offer, and started packing up her things.
She sighed, glancing over at the few purple roses her sister, Anya, had brought for her on her last visit a few days ago on the drawers next to the bed. Cristine had also came, along with her new boyfriend. Introductions were made, and the new boyfriend seemed nice. Despite the fact that a hospital isn't the best place to bring a boyfriend, especially when the person you're here to see is your dying sister.
Yup, it's the perfect place for a romantic date.
Calleigh had came just the day before; she brought a few books and magazines just in case Natalia gets bored in the room. Eric visited as well, along with Frank and Walter. They brought smiles and jokes and gossip about the lab. According to Walter - when he whispered in her ear when the rest had left to get a coffee - that Valera and her new boyfriend is actually going to get married sometime during the summer. After hearing the news, she has more excitement in her system than she has the past few months. She's finally got something to look forward to.
But then again, when she thought about it after her room became empty, she might not even make it to the wedding. The thought scared her.
She didn't know exactly how long she has left, but she can feel herself getting weaker and weaker over the last five months since she found out.
On the outside, Natalia might look strong, but on the inside, she's breaking apart like pieces of glass - slowly but surely. If she's not careful at picking up the broken pieces, she might just cut herself with it.
Horatio came alone that night, his sunglasses tucked away in his pocket.
He asked how she was, and after a few minutes of small talk, he suddenly took her hand, making her sit up from her bed a little straighter. The seriousness of the situation sinking in as the atmosphere around her tensed.
"You're a strong woman, Natalia," he looked into her eyes, the intensity of the look freezing Natalia for a second. "Don't ever forget that."
Tears were threatening to spill out her eyes; her earlier thoughts disappeared almost completely. She loved that feeling of forgetting about her troubles, just sinking away into a state of peace. She wasn't sure how exactly Horatio does that, but right now, she's just glad that he's doing it.
She nodded, squeezing Horatio's hand just slightly, "you're not getting rid of me that easily, H. Like it or not, I'm still gonna be here for a while."
He had laughed and squeeze her hand back, "yes, you are, Natalia."
Both of them know that a while isn't long enough. It was made clear the day she had found out.
The day when they all found out.
Horatio was just about to open his mouth again when his cell phone beeped. From the looks of it, it wasn't good news. Months ago, Natalia can remember herself at the end of a call like that in the middle of the night.
"I'm sorry, Natalia." Horatio's apology really wasn't necessary to her. She gave him a confident smile before they exchanged goodbyes.
Natalia missed working in the lab; she missed the process of figuring out a mystery. Whether it's a murder, robbery or assault. It always felt like she's doing something meaningful when she's behind her table, wearing her lab coat. She wondered who's behind that table now, using all the equipments she used previously.
And she wondered about everyone else at the lab. She wondered how they were doing, although they've just visit her not long ago. She missed seeing them every single day. Things are just not the same anymore.
She smiled, closing her eyes as she thought about her friends and family, everyone in her life that had made an impact on her. The memories of the time spent with them are flooding back. She honestly has no idea what she was going to do without them. As she recollected all the memories, a call for her name made her open her eyes and look towards the door.
"Ryan," she smiled the moment she saw who her visitor is. Out of everyone, Ryan was the only one that hasn't come to see her yet. She doesn't blame him, even if she was given the impression that Ryan was deliberately trying to avoid her.
"Hey," he greeted softy with a hint of hesitation. The sun was setting outside the window of the room, an indication of dusk leaking through the unclosed floral curtains. Ryan stopped in his tracks just halfway in the door, "I can come another time if you want."
Natalia immediately sat up from her bed, "no, no. It's okay. I wasn't asleep, I was just…" she cut herself off before she could say the word "remembering". She doesn't want Ryan to think that she just lies there all day and mope over her memories, being far less optimistic she appears to be in front of everyone. "I'm not sleeping," she finally stated, bringing her head back. "Come in, I won't bite."
It pained Ryan to see just how skinny Natalia has gotten, how tired her eyes were. It made him feel extremely guilty about the weight comments he made to her before he knew the reason, before he knew what was really casing the sudden loss of weight.
Before he knew it was all too late.
He put the bag he brought with him on the drawer next to the roses, taking its contents out. Natalia's eyes widened as she realized what was in them.
"You brought pudding cups?" She stared at the cups of chocolate brown cups filled with pudding.
Ryan grinned, passing one of them to her with a small spoon that came with it. "Yeah, I heard how dreadful the hospital foods are so I brought you a small treat."
There was a moment of comfortable silence before Natalia opened the pudding cup, smiling as she took a bite from it. Ryan smiled as she finished the entire cup without a second thought. The sun was almost completely set under the horizon, dimming the room with its silent leave.
"Thank you," Natalia suddenly said, breaking Ryan's stare out the window that he didn't even realize. He noticed that she had finished two cups already when his own wasn't even opened. She reached over to touch his arm, "you really didn't have to do this."
Ryan looked into the brown eyes that he once remembered, nothing had changed about them. Knowing that the time to see them was limited, he felt himself shake just slightly. He wondered if she had noticed. "You're very welcome. Anything for you." He forced a smile that he knew wasn't going to be bought.
Natalia seems to see right through the deception of the smile. She didn't comment on it, she didn't want to make things more complicated for them. "Hey, did you hear about Valera getting married?" she desperately wanted to change the subject, wanted to see Ryan smile genuinely this time.
He did. Out of both surprise and curiosity.
But it was still genuine and that was enough for Natalia.
"How did you find out before me?" he knows the subject change game. He has played it so many times in his past, he memorized all the rules.
Natalia smirked, and Ryan couldn't help but notice how her hand was still on his arm. "Guess you're not as knowledgeable as you thought."
"Guess not," he stared into Natalia's eyes. Neither of them moved and Natalia suddenly had a bad case of déjà vu from earlier with Horatio.
She didn't particular like the feeling, but it's just one of the things in life that people have to get over with, get use to.
"Well, I bet you didn't hear about Walter's new 'friend'." Ryan smirked teasingly, using air-quotes on the word "friend".
Natalia raised an eyebrow, "really? What kind of friend are we talking about here?"
The feeling of déjà vu disappeared, but not completely. Some of it still hung in the air, masking the conversation.
The sun was set completely behind the horizon now and the room was darker than both of them had anticipated. The only form of light in the room is the ones from the other buildings outside and the moon. But none of them didn't move an inch, not wanting to break the contact.
Ryan had been avoiding visiting Natalia ever since she officially started living in the hospital. Part of the reason was that he had always hated them. It was a more of an excuse than a reason, given the fact that being a CSI needed more medical attention than he was willing to admit at times.
It was a lame excuse and all of a sudden, he felt like a first grader trying to lie his way out of the fact that he had not done his homework.
Although, even "My dog ate my homework" sounded so much better than "I hate hospitals so I don't want to go see my dying friend".
The real reason, after hours of thinking and driving past the entrance of the place, he figured was that the moment he stepped into the hospital, the moment he stepped into her room, the moment he sees her just lying there, staring into nothing with her beautiful eyes, it all becomes real.
It all becomes too damn real.
And Ryan wasn't sure he was ready to accept that.
Natalia's coughing fit came and went throughout the entire month of January. She knew she couldn't make them stop, couldn't keep trying to make people believe that she's actually alright.
Because she knew that it wasn't true, she's not actually alright in any way.
Because she knew that nobody would believe her if she told them that it's only a small cold. She'd used up that excuse more than a week ago.
"Hey Natalia!" Calleigh called as Natalia was walking down the busy halls of the crime lab, case files in hand.
She stopped, turning around to face her blonde friend, "what's up, Calleigh?"
"I have a DNA sample from the Jonathan Hankle case that I need you to process," Calleigh smiled. "You think you can do that now?"
"The drug cartel case?" Natalia hesitated. She has a doctor's appointment an hour later and it would take her about thirty minutes to drive to her doctor's place. Calleigh seemed to notice her hesitation.
"It's okay of you have do it later. It's no rush."
Natalia looked at her friend in the eye and in her head, she is calculating how long it would take for her to finish examining the sample, how long it would take her to get out of here and whether she would be late for the appointment or not.
If it took her twenty minutes to process the sample, five minutes to pack up and run it by Horatio, thirty minutes to drive…
She would be there in fifty-five minutes. She's got time.
"Sure," she takes over the sample without second thoughts. "My appointment isn't until two anyways."
Calleigh had a look on her face that Natalia couldn't quite place, "an appointment? Is it urgent? The DNA sample can wait you know."
"No, no, no." Natalia shook her head, making her hair move from side to side. "It's not that important. It's just a doctor's appointment."
As if on cue, she starts coughing. But this time, her coughs are stronger than the other ones she had experienced over the course of the month.
"Natalia," Calleigh seemed worried, "Natalia!"
She used the sleeves of her white long sleeve shirt to cover her mouth, hoping it would at least slow the coughs down. But it didn't seem to work as she removed her arm away from her face, catching a glimpse of redness on it. It stood out perfectly in contrast of her white shirt.
It took her a moment to realize that it was her own blood.
Calleigh's eyes widened. She's heard about this so-called "cold" Natalia has and was pretty sure that her friend is perfectly fine by now. She's also noticed the weight lost from Natalia and was almost certain that was just because that Natalia's been too overworked lately. Calleigh didn't have the heard to believe that something worst is happening to her friend.
The blood that Natalia had just coughed up on her sleeve kind of proves her theory wrong though.
By now, Natalia had dropped all her files onto the floor, making a huge mess as the crime scene photos and DNA profiles started to pile out from them.
"HELP!" Calleigh was starting to yell for help, the shock and urgency in her tone is unmistakable. But to Natalia, it was as if she's hearing the word being called through a thick wall. The word echoed through her head, and if felt like a thousand little balls bouncing off the side of her brain. She can feel her hair plastered around her face but it all felt so hollow, so… surreal.
And that was the last thing she remembered before she collapsed to the ground, falling into a state of unconsciousness.
Not a lot of people are at the cemetery in the middle of the summer holidays. Of course, for the CSIs, crime would never rest. Holidays are almost always ruined by a dead body turning up. Ryan had the day off, and this is the first place he thought about visiting.
This is the only place he thought he could actually stay.
He entered the almost eerie cemetery as he pushed open the gates. The midday Miami sun is bright against the blue skies, a great contrast to how Ryan was feeling today.
It wasn't a particularly hot summer day, but it was a still Miami summer day.
It has been almost a year. Although to Ryan, and he's pretty sure a lot more people, it feels way longer than that.
He stopped his tracks at the gravestone he knows too well and kneed down by it, placing the purple roses he'd brought with him in front of the cold stone.
It was always so upsetting to see a person's life being reduced to a single, cold, emotionless stone.
It hurts even more when that person is, was, once a friend and almost a lover.
He loved her nonetheless even though their romantic relationship didn't quite work out for them. She was his best friend but he will always love her a little more than just that.
In this world, there's got to be more than a million kind of love.
"Hey Natalia," Ryan whispered to the soul that he knew must be looking over him right now. "I missed you."
He paused. Even though he's been to this place a lot more times than he'd even like to admit to himself sometimes, but right now, he's lost for words. He wasn't sure what to say.
"We all missed you," finally, he continued. A breeze blew over the cemetery, making the small trees around the perimeter of the cemetery bend over and the clouds move faster than they were. It also filled Ryan's silence.
"Things just weren't the same without you. We got a new DNA analyst too. He wasn't nearly as pretty and efficient as you were and I think we already got off on the wrong foot after I accidentally called him an idiot."
It Natalia was here, she would laugh with Ryan. But her laughter would be less bitter and dark, more cheerful and full of energy.
Just like how she used to laugh.
God, did Ryan miss that.
That's not the only he missed though. If he were to count all the things he missed about Natalia, he wasn't sure if he'd finish it by tonight. The list would stretch from Miami all the way to China. There was simply just way to many things about Natalia for Ryan to want to hold on to.
Preferably forever.
"You know that I love you right, Natalia?" Ryan sighed and whispered softly before the words even processed through his brain. "I always did and I always will, no matter where we both are."
After that, there wasn't really much more to say anymore. Love comes in so many different forms and even Ryan didn't know what kind of mixture his love for Natalia is anymore.
The bottom line is that he loves her and always will, just like he said.
There was a series of footsteps behind him that made him alert, years of training as a CSI went through his brain as his hand instinctively reached for the gun on his hip. He turned around, spotting Horatio with his unmistakable redhead standing not so far behind him, a bouquet of flowers - mostly composed of irises and lilies - in his hand. Ryan felt himself letting go of the gun.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Wolfe." Horatio greeted him in his usual polite manner, making Ryan wonder if it's really afternoon already.
"Hi H," Ryan smiled, stepping back a step from the gravestone to stand closer to Horatio, also letting him pass.
Ryan didn't ask why Horatio came here today, he didn't need to. It was probably going to be the same reason that Ryan himself came here for.
When you worked that long together, the other person's actions will become more predictable. Secrets in the lab are usually pretty hard to keep under wraps.
The redhead's presence wasn't expected, but it was certainly always welcomed.
Horatio didn't say a word as he laid the flowers on the gravestone next to Ryan's own purple roses. Natalia had became instantly in love with them after her sister had brought them for her when she was at the hospital, hoping to light up her room a bit. It seems to have worked pretty well too, from what Ryan could tell.
"We all miss her, Ryan." Horatio's words made Ryan remember he wasn't the only one here, that he wasn't alone. "We always will miss her."
Ryan can only nod as he thought about how true this statement was, especially to him.
That was the day that Ryan made a promise to himself that he would never, ever in this lifetime forget one single thing about Natalia.
It would be his worst fear if he did.
Because his other worst fear already came true.
Ryan's phone beeped just as he was exiting the house of the last victim - a university soccer star named Jeremy Scott. The cause of death appears to be poising and the killer didn't seem to leave a single piece evidence. Hair, fibre, DNA. Absolutely nothing.
He set down his kit down on top of the hood of the car as he took out his phone from his pocket, seeing the name CALLEIGH flashed on the screen. It was probably not case-related, since they're currently working on different cases right now. Curious, Ryan answered the phone and before he could even say hello, Calleigh cut him off.
"Natalia's in the hospital."
Ryan's heart skipped a beat as he hear the urgency in her voice, "what? What happened?"
Millions of possibilities went through his mind. She's working on the same case with Calleigh right now, a drug cartel case. He didn't hear anything about her going to the field today, but that doesn't mean she's not in the field. It might be a raid gone wrong or something way more serious than that.
What if it is worst than that?
He could never live with himself if he knew that he wasn't there.
Before Ryan's thoughts could wonder too far from his control, Calleigh's seemingly calm and composed southern drawl came from the other side of the phone. "She fainted in the lab today, Ryan. The doctors at the hospital say she's stable for now."
For now? What the hell was that supposed to mean? He grabbed his kit, opened the door to his car and balanced his phone between his ear and shoulder, closing the door as he sat down on the driver's seat. "I'll be right over, alright? Just tell me which hospital she's at."
Calleigh gave him the address and he started the car, turning on the sirens.
He was going to get to the hospital at full speed and nothing was going to stop him.
It started as just a few headaches every now and then, Natalia never thought much about them. They came and went and she was almost one-hundred percent sure she was just going to catch a cold.
Under the multiple (and annoying) advice her sisters both gave her, Natalia unwillingly went to get a body check up near Christmas. Her doctor was more than happy to see her. After all, it's not like everyday Natalia would just be willing to receive a full body check up. She honestly thought the doctor would just recommend her to get some aspirin and that'll be it, nothing more.
After all the test were done, she sat in the waiting room, flipping through an old Entertainment Weekly magazine way back in the Jennifer and Brad break up days.
She sighed, wondering how love could be so blind, so absolutely oblivious to one's feelings.
Her doctor exited his office, his bifocals hung around his neck. He had a look on his face that told Natalia that whatever he's going to say, it's not going to be good news.
Now she finally knows how a family or friend of a murder victim feels like. She was put in their shoes, trying to figure out just how bad the news was from reading the messenger's face.
Dr. Malcolm Patterson - who insisted numerous times for Natalia to call him Mal even though he never call her by her first name - gave Natalia a look, silently asking her to join him in his office.
Natalia honestly can't remember the last time she's been in his office, it feels like years ago but his office is one of those places that no matter how long ago that you last saw it, it's always the same and the memories that you associate with the place instantly comes back to you.
"How are your kids, Dr. Patterson?" Natalia asked politely as the doctor himself closed the door behind him. She saw the photos of the Patterson kids on the doctor's desk, still in their wooden frames. If Natalia remembered correctly, the two daughters are named Sasha and Helena the son is named Tommy.
"Just call me Mal, Ms. Boa Vista." Dr. Patterson put on his glasses again as he talks out the results from Natalia's check up.
"Only if you call me Natalia first," she smiled. Even with the lightness of the conversation, she can't get rid of the feeling that's eating away at the bottom of her stomch, consuming her. She couldn't quite put her finger on just what kind of feeling it is, but she didn't like it one bit.
There was a moment of silence before Dr. Patterson sighed.
In that moment, the sigh said more than it ever could and Natalia almost didn't want to find out what her doctor is going to say next.
"I'm sorry, Natalia."
These are probably the worst words he could say because sorry doesn't mean shit to her right now.
Sorry did nothing to prepare Natalia for what she heard from her doctor next, the news that changed her life forever.
"Do they know?" Natalia immediately sat up at the presence of Dr. Alexx Woods and regretted it as her head stated to pound. The doctor seemed startled at first, but her face softened as she caught on to what Natalia meant.
"No, they don't know." Alexx shook her head, "Honey, how long have you known this?"
Natalia bit her bottom lip, she was relived that they don't know about her illness yet but she wasn't sure if she should answer to the once-ME at the lab. The familiarity of the sweetness that Dr. Woods possessed was missed by everyone at the lab, Natalia was no exception. She had a tremendous amount of respect for Alexx, and sees her as close to family as it can get. She sighed, deciding to give Alexx an answer. A truthful answer.
"About two month."
To Natalia's surprise, no sign of shock appeared on the doctor's face. If she was shocked, she's doing one hell of a good job hiding the fact. She probably understood Natalia's reasoning for covering up her sickness.
"Oh Honey," the doctor finally said, and Natalia couldn't really tell whether her tone was apologetic or not. If it was, Natalia honestly didn't really mind.
A knock on the door stopped Alexx from saying anything else and made her open it for the visitors. Eric, Calleigh, Walter, Horatio and Ryan stood behind it, worried expressions plastered on their faces. Natalia wondered why Ryan's here because she could remember him saying something about a new case and going to check out the victim's house.
Alexx and Horatio shared a knowing look that no one caught as she leaves to room to the CSIs, giving them privacy.
"What's going on, Natalia? Are you alright?"
It didn't surprise anyone in the room that Ryan would be asking the questions first at rapid-fire speed. Natalia tried to sit up without her head exploding.
Right now, she felt like there's a million little drummer's inside her head using it as drums. She tried to hind the wince from her team members but from the look they exchanged, she didn't do a good job at it.
As all eyes landed on Natalia expectantly, she could only sigh. There's nothing else to say but the truth. Even though it's not going to be easy, she at least owned her co-workers, her friends, her family, that much.
"I'm dying."
The words came out from no where to Ryan and it took a moment for him to realize that she wasn't just speaking in a metaphorical way. Not like "I'm dying for some lunch". It was all real. It was "I'm dying" as in "I'm not going to live".
"It's cancer," Natalia felt the need to elaborate at the tense silence that just entered the room. "It's terminal and there's nothing much more that the doctors could do."
As the words slowly processed through both Natalia's brain and everyone else's, she realized the way she said it sounded harsher than she intended. This is her first time saying the fact out loud, for goodness sakes. What more could they ask for? She tired her best to be delicate with the whole situation and it didn't quite work out for her that well.
Dying is, after all, inevitable.
Calleigh looked like she was about to cry, Eric stared blankly at Natalia, wide-eyed. Horatio didn't look much different as he used to but there's just a piece of sadness that lingered on his face a little too long. Walter's jaw dropped almost comically, if it weren't for the current circumstance there were in right now, Natalia was sure she would've laughed.
Her eyes wandered to Ryan. He didn't quite meet her gaze and she couldn't really blame him for that.
They were her best friends, her family, and Natalia would've given anything right now to just pretend this is all a big joke.
"How… how long have you know?" Ryan managed to ask. The room felt like something had sucked out all the air, making it hard for everyone to breath.
Now that the truth is out there, there's really no point to lie anymore.
"About two months," Natalia answered with a bitter smile, a sense of déjà vu washing over her.
Calleigh grabbed Eric's hand tightly, a fearful expression washed over her face. Natalia could almost tell the discomfort that Eric must be feeling because Calleigh seemed to be clutching his hand way too tightly. "How long do you…" the question was never finished as Calleigh held back her tears, with Eric helping her by rubbing her back affectionately and gently. Natalia knew exactly what she meant and for the first time in weeks, she felt the overwhelming urge to just cry her eyes out.
"The doctor told me about eight months at the end of December," she answered truthfully.
Now that the truth is out, it finally set Natalia free.
But at the same time, it bit everyone in the room on the ass and it stings like hell.
The scar that it will leave will take a longer time to heal than anyone would've wanted to.
Every truth came with a price. Although it did indeed set her free, it will also piss some people off first.
Ryan got a call from Calleigh half hour before his lunch break. He doesn't even cast a second look at his half-lifted fingerprint as he striped out of his lab coat and ran out the doors of the Miami-Dade police station.
No one even gave him a second look. Everyone knew what was going on behind the pained looks of Horatio's team.
He called Horatio in the car, no bothering to follow the rules about using a cell phone and driving at the same time.
This is the exception to that rule.
"This is Horatio," came the usual greeting. But this time, Ryan could hear something more behind that simple sentence. There was always more to what he says than he lets on.
"Natalia is…" Ryan paused; the word dying wouldn't really fit well here. The reality - although no one would want to admit - was that she has been dying for some time now. "They, they don't think she's going to last long."
His voice was laced with pain and sorrow and he was sure that Horatio caught that too. He's currently driving to a crime scene of an attempted murder but Ryan knew that he's going to do anything he can in his power to get to the hospital on time.
"I'll be there," Horatio promised, and Ryan heard a different tone in his voice that he had never heard before in his life.
They both hang up, both preparing what they're about to see.
Why the hospital room looked dimmer than he remembered, Ryan wasn't sure. But he doesn't care anyway, as his eyes landed on the person occupying the bed.
His heart broke at the sight of his best friend's skinny form just laying there, her eyes blank as she stared up at the ceiling. Calleigh, Eric and Walter are also there as well, all three of them looking just as broken as Ryan himself. Walter even looked like he's been crying; Ryan had never seen that before.
He couldn't blame him though; he could actually feel tears flooding into his eyes.
Natalia's two sisters and parents are also there too. No matter how painful Ryan's feeling, he's certain that her family's feeling it worst.
She's their flesh and blood, after all. Ryan couldn't even imagine witnessing a family pass away. And Natalia just as close as family to him.
Perhaps a little too close.
It took a moment before Ryan even realized this is the first time he's meeting Natalia's parents and both of her sisters. She never really mentioned them much, and Ryan couldn't help but notice how much similarities the whole family shared.
He walked into the room and Natalia's eyes shifted towards him, "hey," she croaked.
Ryan couldn't really bare seeing Natalia like this, this weak, this shattered, this defeated. But he picked himself up just enough for a greeting, "hey yourself."
He could hear Calleigh trying to hide a sob behind him. He can't say that he's not feeling like sobbing himself after hearing how weak Natalia sounded. This was not the Natalia he wanted to remember.
He wanted to remember the better Natalia, the good Natalia, the old Natalia.
Then Frank came through the doors, looking a little worn out himself. Ryan wasn't even sure if the hospital allowed this many visitors at the same time but the one thing he was sure about was that no one can stop them from being there for one member of their family.
Their family was like different puzzle pieces, each with jagged parts, hunting pasts and possibly more skeletons in their closets than they would ever want to admit. Yet, they fit so well together, it was like they were never broken.
"You have to let me go," Natalia's whispered. The words struck a cord with everyone in the room. Tears are streaming down everyone's face at this point, and Natalia's mother let out a loud, wounded sob, leaving the room. Her husband cast a look around the room and followed his wife silently.
Ryan looked at Natalia and let the words process through his brain. "I know." He whispered.
But he wished he didn't. Oh, how he wished he didn't.
"You should be working," Natalia allowed a weak smile.
Ryan wanted to frown, but he just didn't seem to have enough energy to do so. "That's bullshit and you know it."
Natalia's laughter sounded so frail to Ryan's ears. He didn't want to believe that this is the Natalia he knew.
Everyone else in the room just stood there, each lost in their won thoughts, own memories. Own tears and pain.
None of them know how they're going to continue on.
Then the door opened with Horatio entering the room. Ryan's only half-surprised to see that his eyes are wet.
"H." Natalia addressed the entrance as Horatio stepped next to Natalia's bedside.
"Natalia," Horatio's smile was soft and genuine. "I'm here."
Natalia nodded weakly, and tears are flowing heavily now. Something deep inside Ryan snapped, and it told that that it wasn't going to be long before…
Ryan swallowed, his own tears hot on his face.
Natalia was bidding her final farewell to everyone individually. It wasn't bitter-sweet. It was just bitter. Plain and simple.
As if angst can ever be simple.
Natalia's parents returned with fresh tears stains down their faces.
"Goodbye, Ryan." Natalia's eyes are closed, part of Ryan know that they're never going to be opened again.
Everyone in the room is all crying, and Ryan didn't seem to hear the sobs other than his own.
He leaned down and kissed Natalia softly on her forehead.
"Goodbye, Natalia."
The morning of the funeral Ryan got up the same time he usually do, prepared a simple breakfast for himself and forced himself to munch down the contents.
His good suit hung on the back of one of the kitchen chairs, he barely glanced at it. The last time he wore the suit was not so long ago, at another funeral. He's been through his fair share of funerals, it came with the job.
But this one, this one feels more personal to him, to everyone.
Ryan placed his dirty dishes into the sink and sunk into the couch, leaning into the cool leather back. His OCD today didn't even bother to act up enough for him to want to do the dishes. He's got the whole day off today, a whole week off actually thanks to some strings Horatio had pulled. He's not due at the gravesite until noon and he just sat there in complete silence, trying his best to clear his head up.
He's more affected by this than anyone else, and that would be an understatement.
Noon almost came around too fast, and Ryan wasn't sure what to think of that.
The soft, hushed and deep murmurs filled August gravesite.
He was still not sure if he's prepared to do this; both physically and emotionally. He felt dizzy in his head and at the same time, he felt like he could break down into tears at any given minute. He looked down at the piece of paper that he's holding for what it must be the millionth time.
He's nervous. In fact, he's more nervous now than he's ever been before.
The sun is shining beautifully today in Miami, it was almost as if Natalia is looking down at all of them, watching and listening to everything they're doing, every move they're making.
Somehow, the thought made Ryan feel a lot better. At least he can feel himself getting his strength back to breathe again. He can feel his moods lifting up as if an angel had came to help him herself.
No doubt that angel would be Natalia.
He glanced down at his paper once again for good measure, just to be sure.
When they've been though so much together, it's almost cruel to be asked to have a limit and fit all that into a speech.
Truthfully, he doesn't even need the paper or the cue cards to help him deliver the speech, the eulogy. He knew every single word, every single syllable of it by heart.
"You're going to be fine, Ryan." A familiar voice sounded behind him, he turned around, finding Calleigh with a bitter smile on her face.
Ryan sighed, "I just hope I didn't have to do this, Calleigh. I always thought that she would outlive me, you know."
Calleigh understood every word and the reassuring smile never once left her face when Ryan walked next to the crowd.
Everyone seems to be here today. Horatio, Calleigh, Eric, Walter, Alexx, Frank, Tom, Valera, Travers, and even Kyle.
The only person missing here today is Natalia.
The priest is finishing his eulogy, and the words are just that - words. There's nothing personal about them, nothing that describes who Natalia is - was. The words are meaningless to Ryan as they do nothing to convey the beauty, the bravery, the love. No words could ever describe that.
Then Ryan found himself in front of a rather large audience. He's given speeches before to more people but this time, he's fractured, he's broken and he's hurt. The grief he's feeling was so overwhelming, it was breaking him down. He honestly wasn't sure how emotionally prepared he was for this.
He cleared his throat before the crowd.
"W.S. Gilbert wrote, 'it's love that makes the word go 'round.' If that's true, the world spun a little faster with Natalia in it. Natalia showed me many different kinds of love and in the process; my love for her would fall into many different kinds. She loved her job, her family and her friends. And one thing was certain, her love for everything and everyone was joyous and fierce and it was unconditional. To say that I only loved her as a friend or a sister would be too simple.
"If Natalia was still here today, she would ask us to celebrate her life, not to mourn over her death. We can all learn much from the way Natalia lived her life. Her death causes us to pause in our own lives and reflect upon everything that we've learned. She was my best friend ever since we met and everyone that knew her as well as I did will know that she was one of the strongest people we all know and she was one hell of a fighter. But unfortunately, the reason that I stand here today was because that she had lost that fight."
Ryan paused, using all of his will to make sure that he doesn't break down in front of everyone here. To make sure that he doesn't break down to himself.
"I really truly loved her," when he got to that part, he couldn't contain himself much longer, he let a small sob break free but stopped himself just before he burst into tears. "And, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do without her. What I can do without her."
Everyone was quiet when Ryan finished his speech, but almost everyone has tears running down their faces.
As Ryan returned to his spot next to his team-mates, Horatio gave him a pat on the back that he replied to with a small nod.
The wordless exchange calmed Ryan.
It's understandable that no one felt like talking at this moment.
Losing a part of your family was like losing a part of yourself that you might never get back. The peice that Ryan lost was already too broken to even begin to repair.
Suddenly Ryan felt like just going home, maybe lie down a bit, closing his eyes and try to relive the life he had with Natalia in it.
Because as of now, everything became too real for him to handle.
Thanks for reading~ It's pretty long, I know. I hope I got all the characters :) Reviews would be nice and they would really make my day.