I come home throw my jacket and wand on the couch and head to my room. I'm so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open, all the work I have to do after I wake up is almost as much as the work I had to do before I came home. But right now all I have to do is take a nice nap and forget all my worries , for a moment there I'm almost convinced that for one time my dreams,if you can call them dreams, won't be crowded by the memories. I almost wish I would forget but I never want to loose the memory of my hand in his, his lips on mine, his blue blue eyes looking through mine into my dark dark soul. He never thought it was dark though. For him it was the light that guided him to happiness. That of course was how my idiot put it. I wonder if he can see me now, I wonder if he knows how much I love him but not for long cause sleep was pulling me into it's darkness And because the screams have already started.
His screams. His screams of pain as he died in my hands.
"Snow, why did you do it, why did you do it you idiot."I say asking, not only him but the world. Asking it why it has to take everything I ever love. It took my mother from me and now it's taking my Simon. My lovely loving Simon.
"You know why, you know why I had to"he said then coughing so hard it's like his lungs are trying to escape from his dying body, thinking it can live on alone, if only I could take it's place, if only I could make him breath. He's lying on the ground his head on my lap, he sacrificed everything to correct a mistake he never meant to do. He was punished for what he had although he never asked for it. He gave it up. He gave it all up to the humdrum not knowing it was what's holding him together. It wouldn't have mattered if he knew. Being the bloody hero he is he would have done it anyway. Now he's slipping away from me when I finally had him.
"Baz, I'm sorry " he said closing his eyes and I could see his life escaping the body that used to hold it
"I love you, Simon" those were my last worlds to him but it was too late he was already gone with him all the force that held the tears back.
I wake up, not sweating. It's been too long and I've had this dream everyday since then. I trained my mind not concentrate on what happening. But to memorize his face, his voice. The way he said he's sorry. Those where his last words "Baz, I'm sorry". It's been almost 20 years, since he died in my arm. Since he gave up all his magic with it his life to the humdrum to save the magickal world. I realize my eyes are and more importantly I have a ton of work. God, I'm so fed up with this shit. But work is work even if you would rather go to sleep and dream about your dead boyfriend. Why is it so stressful being the ruler of Mages?
Today starts the Visitings. I almost forgot, Bunce was the one who reminded me. I guess she thinks she'll see him. I don't think he'll come though. He didn't hide anything from me there was nothing I didn't know so he won't be allowed to come, I think. I still hope though.
I was sitting in my garden watching the stars remembering that today 20 years ago was how it all started. My mother giving me gifts even when she doesn't mean to. Suddenly I hear a voice whispering my name to the winds I sit up and look around. And I see him. Him. My Simon . My idiot. I probably should have wondered what the hell he was doing here and why but I ran to him. Because he's my Simon and it's been so long. Too long I want to take him in my arms, I wish I can take him in my arms but he's not corporeal. He's just the shadow, the soul who's body is hidden in the ground where I put him and said goodbye. He's right in front of me now he's smiling that goofy smile of his I adore. " I love you, too" he says and I break. Tears held back for years fall and I thank Simon ,the way he did, in my mind for giving this last gift and I think maybe I won't dream today.