Rose held her hands out in front of her and watched as they shook with a tremor. She willed them to stop but they did not. She set her hair brush down on the sink in front of her and waited for the shaking to stop knowing full well she had no control over it. It usually only happened in the morning. Most of her symptoms were the worse when she first woke. She just had to wait until they subsided enough that they weren't a hindrance before she could get ready and approach the day ahead of her. It was taking longer and longer every morning for that to happen.
She looked at herself in the mirror. She looked pale and tired and it was only now, when she was completely alone, that she could see her feelings written on her face; the pain, the worry, the fear, and the sadness. These were things she did her best to hide during the day but they were still inside of her all the time.
Her head pounded relentlessly. It felt like it was going to split right open. She almost wished it would if it would just relieve some of the pressure. She pressed a shaking hand to her forehead as the pain made her world spin. That was one symptom that didn't subside. The pain in her head never really went away these days; it was just a matter of how severe it would be. She reached under the sink for the medicine bottle. The pills took away most of the pain away; for now. They had made it possible for her to continue with life as normal; for now. She didn't like to think about the day when they no longer did.
She had to wait until her hands stopped shaking before she could open the bottle. Her vision swam and she waited for it to pass. The nausea was mostly gone and she had already thrown up this morning so she was pretty sure she was done with that for now.
But she was so shaky and the more she thought about everything the shakier she got. She decided to just sit down for the moment. She was so scared and sad. She didn't want to die.
She desperately wanted to tell the Doctor what was going on. He always made her feel better no matter what. He always fixed everything. And even though she knew that he couldn't fix this, she still wanted to tell him because she was so afraid and he always made her brave. She knew that he thought she was brave and maybe she had been deep down inside, but he brought it out in her. And right now, sitting alone on the bathroom floor with her world spinning and falling down around her, she could really use some bravery.
It was so hard to hide the truth from him. She had to not act sad when she was terribly so, and she had to not act scared when she really was afraid. All she really wanted to do was seek out his strong arms to hold her and his comfort to ease the pain. It was hard to keep it all to herself but it was better because during the day, when she was with him, she was able to forget her hard reality. It was only during the nights and mornings when she was alone that she had to accept the truth for what it is.
There were so many reasons not to tell the Doctor and there was only one reason to tell him: she had to. As much as she wanted to keep it a secret, she knew she would not be able to do it forever. She was afraid that soon the Doctor would notice. She really wasn't even sure how she had been able to keep it from him for so long. He saw so much, practically everything that was happening around him at any given time. But he hadn't yet but she really knew that it was only a matter of time.
She had gotten the news two months ago and since then had hid it from the Doctor. Her life had changed that day. A weight was put upon her shoulders and a sadness came to live with her as her days became numbered. She hadn't told the Doctor because she was hoping to spare him from having to live that way any longer than was absolutely necessary. She wished she didn't know and for now she could make it so he didn't. She was hurting but for today he didn't have to. She knew she would have to tell him; she had no delusions she could keep it from him forever. Towards the end she'd be forced to tell him but for now she had some more time.
She kept waiting for the right moment to tell him but that moment never seemed to arrive. She knew that the moment she did everything would change. Right now, life was just as it always had been. He didn't live with the sadness and fear that she did, since she had that knowledge. The moment she told him that would change. Her news would be another weight upon his already heavy laden shoulders. She also knew that things would be different between him and her after she told them. Even trying his best not to let it bother him, it would and things wouldn't feel the same anymore; a cloud of sadness would hang over them.
She could imagine how it would hurt him because she remembered what it had felt like to think he was dying. She remembered the pain it had caused her after his regeneration had gone wrong and she thought he was dying. She remembered how hard it had been to think that he was slowly fading right in front on her and she realized that now the Doctor would be in that position with her. He would be the one to have to sit by and watch her slowly die in front of him.
She imagined several outcomes after she told him her news and all of them frightened her in different ways. It scared her also that she couldn't guess what the outcome to this would be. She liked to think that she knew the Doctor very well but this was uncharted territory and she really couldn't guess how he would react.
She imagined that he might leave her. He might decide to take her home right away so that she could be with her mum and her mum could take care of her. As time went on, she would get weaker and sicker. She would slow down and he might not want to slow down. He might not want to take care of her. He might not be able to take care of her.
She couldn't even blame him if he didn't want to take care of her. A lot of symptoms she could have in the future terrified her. She couldn't imagine losing her eyesight or her ability to hear or speak. She couldn't imagine not being able to control her movements or losing her clear mind. She did not want the Doctor to have to see her like that and it made her sick to think that he would have to watch such a terrible downward spiral to her death. She honestly wouldn't be able to blame him if he didn't want to see that.
She knew how he felt about dying and it worried her. The look on his face, the darkness in his eyes when the only time they had discussed the subject still haunted her. Having confronted him about his past with Sarah Jane he told her the reason. "You decay, you wither and you die," he had said referring to humans. There had been so much pain in his tone, his posture, his face and she had wondered how many times he had had to face that reality.
He had loved Sarah Jane at one time too. But in the end he had left her, knowing that if he let himself become too attached it would be too hard to say goodbye. Just the idea that he would have to say goodbye someday to her was enough to separate them. But Rose knew with certainty that she was going to die. The Doctor had promised that he wouldn't do the same to her and she really wanted to believe him. And she hated herself that she couldn't.
Even if he committed to staying with her until the end she could imagine that he would spent her remaining time blaming himself and she didn't want that. She knew the Doctor would be riddled with guilt that there was nothing he could do. And there was nothing he could do. She knew how it worked, the whole going back in time and changing history thing. Her death was fixed point in time. She was meant to die. In the time and place she was born, there was no cure for this. Her time had come. How many times had the Doctor said that he could not just change time to suit him?
And she knew that was true because she had seen it with her own eyes. She well remembered how drastic the consequences had been when she had tried to save her dad's life. She'd tried to go against the Doctor and she'd almost ended earth in the process. And in the end, her dad still had to die. The Doctor had told her then that an ordinary person was the most important thing in all of creation. And if she knew anything she knew she was pretty ordinary. The whole world would change if he were somehow able to save her life.
He hadn't been able to interfere when his family and planet died. Surely, he had wanted to more than anything. And now the same would be true with her. She knew that he would have no choice but to sit and watch her die. She knew he had seen the death of so many people she wasn't sure that it was something he would be willing to do again.
Even if neither of those things happened she was worried that the Doctor would spend what little time she had left running to and fro, across the galaxy and time searching for a cure when all she really wanted was him to spend her remaining time with her. Being with him had been the best time of her life and its all she wanted in the time that was left.
She thought back to the time when the Doctor had first found her. She had been so painfully bored then. She had known that she wanted more out of life than what she had. She wanted an exciting life, she just didn't know what she should be or what it would look like to have one. She knew that she certainly did not want to work in the shop all of her life. She had a deep dissatisfaction like she was longing for something she was made for. She remembered being feeling so frustrated by the fact that she couldn't seem to figure out what it was and all she seemed to be able to make of herself was a failure. She had a loneliness deep inside and never really felt like she belonged where she was.
So many people her age were having life crises. Many of them scrambled along trying to figure out what it was they were supposed to do with their adult lives. Did they go to university or not? Did they get married or not? What job should they have? Where should they live? She had thought those things herself until the Doctor came along. He had chased away the loneliness. He chased away the dissatisfaction and longing and frustration. He had shown her where she belonged.
Everything she ever could have hoped for but never dreamed of, it all came to her. She hadn't had to go looking for the purpose for her life. It had come looking for her. She felt so fortunate to know exactly what she wanted now. She had no regrets over her life and how she had spent it or the decisions she had made. She only wished that there had been more of it. She finally had everything she wanted and now it was going to be taken from her.
How was she ever going to be able to do this? She loved the Doctor and she didn't want to hurt him. How could she ever leave him? She didn't know how she was going to be able to say goodbye.
"Rose! The day's a wasting. Allons-y!" She heard the Doctor call out and a smile instantly spread on her face. She focused on that and brushed the tears and all other thoughts and feelings away. She thought about the excitement of the day ahead and by being by his side. The only place she ever wanted to be for as long as she had.
Hello everyone! This is my first multi chapter Doctor Who fic so I hope you will follow and review. I know this was a heavy start but I promise there is comfort to go along with the hurt. Both you and the Doctor will find out what is going on in the next chapter.