Daniel Howell had a bit of a guilty pleasure. There were few things in his life that he kept secret from his best friend Phil, but this was one of them. Now, it wasn't that he did drugs, or had a drinking problem, or cut himself, or questioned his sexual orientation... No, it was much worse than that.
Occasionally... he would read his own fanfictions.
Now, it wasn't that he was so self-absorbed that he felt the need to revel in his own awesomeness or anything of that sort. Usually, the fanfictions were horribly inaccurate in the way that they portrayed him anyway, and they certainly were inaccurate in the way that they portrayed his relationship with Phil. Then again, considering that the vast majority of RPF writers were young teenage girls, it would be a bit scary if they could accurately represent the innermost thoughts and feelings of a couple of twenty-something English blokes. So, accuracy was out of the question.
Also, he didn't read fanfics because they were particularly interesting. They mainly consisted of fluff, smut, and fluffy-smut about him living his daily life, rubbing shoulders – and occasionally other body parts – with an array of semi-famous and horrifically misrepresented internet personalities.
No, the reason that Dan read his own fanfiction was that he simply could not help himself.
See, Dan suffered from the unfortunate affliction of "being human", and one of the dreadful side effects of this condition was that he cared quite a good deal about how other human beings perceived him – particularly, the opposite sex. And what better way to see how the ladies thought about him than to read their personal fantasies? Honestly, can you blame him?
…
...I was terrified that in that one moment of weakness, I would ruin years of a beautiful friendship... but could I deny my destiny? My eye lids fluttered as I leaned in for the kiss...
…
"Dan! Are you ready to go?" Phil asked as he stepped into his flatmate's room.
Dan slammed the cover of his laptop down and bolted up from the bed. "Shit! I totally forgot what today was! Hang on, let me get ready."
"Dan," Phil groaned, "we do this every Sunday! It's not like the radio show changes days."
"I said one minute," Dan retorted. "God, you're worse than my mum!"
They left the room and Dan began racing up and down the many stairs, hurriedly gathering things. Phil sighed and went back to his own room to get his jacket.
"Have you seen my phone?" Dan called up the stairs.
"I think it's on the table," Phil hollered back down. He grabbed the jacket and walked out of his room toward the stairs.
"It's not here!" Dan yelled back. "Can you check on my dresser?"
Phil sighed and walked back into Dan's room, locating the phone easily. "Got it!" he called down. He noticed Dan's computer sitting on the bed. "Did you want your laptop?" he hollered.
Receiving no response, he went over to pick it up, but found that a small corner of the bedspread had gotten caught between the screen and keyboard when Dan had hastily closed it. Muttering, Phil opened the laptop to release the material, giving him a momentary glance of the screen.
Now, normally, Phil couldn't care less what Dan did on his laptop, but in that quick glance, his eyes had registered his own name written on the screen.
See, Phil suffered from the unfortunate affliction of "being human", and one of the dreadful side effects of this condition is an unparalleled curiosity about things involving one's own name. He stared at the words on the white and blue website, confused.
"Oh, Dan," he whispered. He momentarily forgot about the radio show and sat down on the edge of the bed, letting his eyes run down the page.
…
...I had never been so scared of anything in my life. What if he rejected me? What if he freaked out? What if I was about to ruin everything? Oh well, you only live once.
The moment that my lips touched his, I felt a sensation I can only describe as pure electricity running through me. As our mouths parted, a sly grin spread across his face.
"Took you long enough," he giggled.
…
"Phil? Don't we need to-" Dan began, entering the room.
Phil slammed the laptop closed.
Dan blinked. "What were you doing on my computer?"
"Nothing. Let's go," Phil quickly replied.
"Phil," Dan asked shakily, "what were you doing?"
"I was just..." he began.
Dan glared at him.
"Oh fine!" his friend confessed, "I was reading the story! Happy?"
"Whatever," Dan sulked. "Let's go."
"Why are you mad at me? It's not like you wrote it!'
Dan looked at the ground.
"You... you didn't write it, did you?" Phil asked nervously.
"I said 'whatever'! Come on; I don't want to be late for the show." He turned and began walking away.
"But, Dan-" Phil protested, running out after him.
"I don't want to talk about it!" Dan snapped.
"Dan, just listen to me!"
He spun around and glared at Phil. "What?!"
"I write them too."
Dan stared quizzically at his flatmate. "You do what?"
"I write stories, Dan," Phil sighed. "Ones about me, and about you... and about us. It's just, well, when people review them... it's validating, you know? Because they don't even know who I am on that site, but they still like my stories. I mean, I once got a review from Lithuania! It's just... nice."
"Yeah, I know."
They stared at each other for a few seconds, neither one quite knowing what to say next.
"So," Phil cleared his throat, "we should leave."
"Yep," Dan agreed, "we should leave."
"Never speak of this again?"
"Wouldn't dream of it."
A/N: Hello Lovely Reader!
This story was originally supposed to be the second chapter of my other story, "When You Wish Upon a Star: A Phanfiction Parody", but in the end it didn't really fit. So, I cleaned it up a bit and turned it into a one-shot. You can read "Phan" into it if you want... I choose to not, but stories belong to their readers and all that John Green crap )
(Just kidding; love John Green! DFTBA and whatnot...)
Anyway, if you like the parody thing, check out the aforementioned, "WYWUAS: APP". It's ridiculously long, hopefully amusing, features complimentary Shakespearean reviews for most chapters, and is finally complete :)
As always, allow me to draw your attention to the very helpful review section (located just below the story) for the expression of your thoughts, feelings, and/or opinions regarding this story or life in general.
As Abraham Lincoln always used to say, "Be responsible for the goofy grin on a socially inept fanfiction writer's face today; review a story."
... At least, I'm pretty sure that was Lincoln...
Thanks for reading! Best wishes!
~Bethany