Cliffie: After watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix again, this little piece popped into my head. It's angsty, and was originally going to feature Severus near the end, but that idea died soon enough. Remus has always been one of my favorite characters, although something about him in the movie just seems… wrong. Ah well.
Title is in German just because I felt like it. It translates to "Should Be".
Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters. This is for entertainment purposes only.
He was supposed to be the mature one, the one that held everyone in line; the one that kept everyone together.
In a way, he was the leader, because now he was the only one really left.
Everyone was mourning. Screaming, crying, sobbing. He wanted it to stop.
Didn't they see? Why didn't they realize? He had been closest to Sirius, so why was he the one holding everyone else together? Why was he the one to hold Harry back from Bellatrix, make sure he didn't kill himself by overreaching, when he wanted to rush the woman himself? He failed, but he was still in charge. He was the one to gather everyone back up, lead them home – or whatever could be considered home.
And in that home, when the crying started, he was the one to go around patting backs and whispering that Sirius had lived a good life no matter the things that had happened. He told them that Sirius had never been happier, and that he wouldn't want them to mourn for him.
Remus didn't want them to mourn for Sirius because they didn't know him.
Perhaps it was cruel of him; perhaps it was selfish. But the fact remained that, somewhere in his gut, there was a burning desire to just tell everyone to shut up because i he /i was the only one who could really mourn. Well, him and Harry. He couldn't blame Harry for the ragged, soul-tearing sobs. He had grown close to Sirius, and Remus couldn't find it in his cold, war-scarred heart to resent the boy.
But everyone else… they didn't deserve it. Only he. Only Harry.
In a year, they wouldn't remember the pain they had been in. But Remus would, and Harry would, because that pain would never truly leave them.
The room was quiet; the burning flames crackled sedately in the fireplace. It was warm, but Remus couldn't shake off the chill that had settled over him since Sirius had died.
A small glass of gin was by his elbow, but he couldn't bring himself to take another sip. It only burned and hurt and brought back the memories, and Remus couldn't stand the pain before coming to oblivion. He was too weak for that.
It was well past midnight, and the house was silent. It was oppressing, the silence, but comforting at the same time, wrapping around Remus like a blanket to smother him to a quiet death.
No, not death. He couldn't think about death, because then he would only think of Sirius again. Sirius, and James, and Lily, and what would have happened if only he had fought harder? If he had somehow fought harder, been there sooner, then maybe they wouldn't have died.
But he had failed, and he hated himself for being unable to keep them alive. Remus hated himself for being imperfect and human, and he couldn't erase the past no matter how much gin he drank or how hard he wished for things to be different.
Cliffie: Reviews are much appreciated! Thank you!