Series: This is the third part of the Less Than Dignified Escapes Series, which consists of the following fics:

Impractical Shoes (and Other Assorted Articles of Clothing)

Unexpected Kidnappings and Enforced Nudity

***Once More, With Nakedness

Exactly What It Looks Like

"Oh!" Rose exclaimed, grabbing the doorframe she'd just been running through and stopping dead in her tracks in shock. "Maybe I should come back later."

"Rose!" The Doctor peered behind her as if to make sure she was alone. "Oh good," he said, sounding relieved. "I told myself, I said, 'Self, she's Rose Tyler. She constantly wanders off, but she's right brilliant at saving the day when it comes down to it. She'll show up again soon enough.' 'Course, I wasn't sure whether you'd show up escorted by half a dozen armed guards or not, but this," he gestured at her, "is just about perfect. Molto bene! Knew I could count on you." He paused expectantly. "Well?" he prompted. "You're here to help me get free, aren't you? Might want to hop to that, before the guards come poking about again."

"Um," Rose said, averting her eyes. "Well, you know, I would, except... what exactly happened to your clothes?"

The Doctor looked down at himself, as if he'd forgotten that the ropes binding his wrists and ankles together were the only covering on his whole body. He blushed all the way (Rose couldn't help noticing) down to his chest.

"Er, right, about that," he said. "I may – and, mind you, I'll deny this if you ever tell your Mum, or Sarah Jane, or someone else who's likely to mock me about it – I may have told the guards I had an endless supply of gadgets that I could use against them in my bigger-on-the-inside pockets. So they decided it was easiest to take my pockets from me."

"And your underwear?" Rose asked, trying to stifle a giggle. "You got pockets in those, have you?"

"They thought they should take those away to be thorough. You know, just in case. I'd compliment them on their meticulousness, but somehow it just doesn't seem like such a great quality in a kidnapper."

"Well, at least they were nowhere near as careful about other security stuff, from the looks of things," Rose said. "Can't believe they just left you here. It wasn't exactly difficult for me to get in. You could have walked out anytime. Did you even try? To, you know, escape? Or isn't that somethin' we do anymore?"

Out of the corner of her eye (for she was still attempting not to stare at him too obviously – er, at all, rather), Rose saw the Doctor waving his bound hands at her demonstratively. "I'm a bit tied up, here. Besides, I can't go running across town naked."

Rose immediately forgot that she wasn't supposed to be looking dead-on at him, giving him an affronted sort of glower. "You're kiddin' me, right? What about all those times I had to run away in the buff so's the aliens didn't get us?"

"You were always wearing something, though. And, oh! Remember last time? I gave you my jacket to wear then, so you were pretty much fully covered, then," the Doctor said, triumphant. "So this is totally different."

Rose silently shrugged out of her jacket and offered it to him. The Doctor took one look at the bright pink, fuzzy get-up and grimaced.

"You know," he said, "I've suddenly and inexplicably decided that nudity's underrated. There should be more of it. Who needs clothes, I say!"

Unable to stop herself from giving him another sneaky look-over, Rose really thought she might agree. Then she figured out what he actually meant by that. "Oi!" she said. "I like this jacket! There's nothin' wrong with it!"

The Doctor held up his bound hands placatingly. "'Course not! Great jacket. All of your clothes are brilliant. Magnificent, even. Well, except for that one shirt that looks like it's falling apart even though it's new, what's the deal with –" He caught her deepening glare and cleared his throat. "Um, right, moving on. The point is that all of your clothes are just fine... on you. I'd like to get out of this situation with some of my masculinity intact, if you don't mind."

"I think everyone'll clearly see that you've got plenty of masculinity," Rose muttered.

They both froze, looking at each other. Rose felt herself blushing deeply enough to match his current skin tone. "I said that aloud just now, didn't I?"

"Yes," the Doctor squeaked. He drew his knees up to his chest to hide said masculinity from her line of sight, but that just gave her a rather magnificent view of the curve of his bum.

Nudity, she thought approvingly. They should definitely think about making that a TARDIS rule.

She pulled herself together, making herself look away from him again. "Anyways," she said awkwardly. "Thing is, you can stay here and wait for them to come back for you, or you can come with me and chance havin' a bunch of people you'll probably never see again stare at you for the few seconds it takes you to pass them. You're the one who keeps sayin' how you've got that great big brain; the decision should be obvious."

The Doctor sighed. "Yeah, all right. Why not? Who doesn't want their naked body to inspire the pointing and mockery and horror of the people on the street? Just cut me loose and we'll go."

"About that..." Rose said. She showed him her empty hands, looking sheepish.

The Doctor's eyes widened. "You didn't bring anything to free me?"

"Hey, 's'not my fault! How could I have known you'd've somehow managed to lose the sonic?" Rose protested.

"I didn't lose it; they took it!"

"Because you couldn't shut up for two seconds instead of telling everyone exactly how clever you are, as usual!"

"Shh!" the Doctor hushed her suddenly. They paused for a moment, with the Doctor obviously listening closely for any sounds breaking the silence other than that of their own breathing. "We need to be quiet," he said in a more subdued tone, "or they'll come and check on me, and then there'll be no chance of getting out of here right now, ropes and nudity aside."

"We'd better hurry up, then, wouldn't you say? If they're really still lurkin' about, I mean," Rose said. "Can't you just untie the knots?"

The Doctor shook his head. "I'd been working at the ropes around my feet for about two hours before you got here, and nothing."

Rose scoffed. "I've seen you literally pull a rabbit out of a hat, but now you can't even manage to slip a rope?"

"The hat was bigger on the inside," the Doctor admitted, "so it doesn't exactly count, does it?"

"So disappointin'. And here I thought you might actually be a little bit impressive after all," Rose teased.

The Doctor pouted slightly.

"Let's go, then," Rose said. "We'll just have to leg it with you still tied up."

"I can't run like this!" the Doctor said.

"Well, I'm not exactly gonna carry you, am I?" Rose shot back. "We'd get all of five feet before I dropped you right back on that stunning bum." She closed her eyes, immediately mortified. "Oh my god, I can't stop sayin' things. Why didn't you warn me that your babbling's contagious?"

"I don't say everything that pops into my head, thanks," the Doctor said. Rose opened her eyes to glare pointedly. "Always. Necessarily," he amended weakly.

"C'mon," she said, grabbing him under the elbow and helping him to his feet.

"Still tied up," the Doctor said, as if Rose had somehow forgotten in the twenty seconds since he'd last mentioned it.

"Remember hoppin' for our lives?" Rose said, favouring him with a sugary-sweet smile. "Well... what d'you say? Once more, but with nakedness!"

The Doctor looked as if he'd like to bang his head against a wall, if only he could make it to the nearest hard surface to do so without losing his balance along the way.

"How far away is the TARDIS, then?" the Doctor asked, sounding resigned.

Rose shrugged. "No idea. I didn't exactly walk straight here, did I? Had to look 'round a bit before I figured out where they'd taken you. Could be ages away."

The Doctor groaned, and began hopping, with Rose's arm still under his elbow to help him keep balance.

"However this looks, I swear it's not like that!" the Doctor shouted at the gaping passers-by a few seconds after they'd emerged out onto the street. He succeeded only in drawing even more attention to himself.

Rose tried very hard to look directly ahead and keep a straight face the whole way back to the ship.

She wasn't very successful on either count.

The next and final part of this series is 'Exactly What It Looks Like'.