Author's note: I'm writing this in my New Mexican rental car. Can't you imagine how incredibly bored I am? There are way too many Mary-Sues out there, and I'm just writing this to, I don't know, show people how annoying (and parody-worthy) they can be. I tried to include as much humor as I could here, and all reviews will be extremely appreciated. Oh, and just so you know, I was kinda high on grapefruit-flavored oranges when I wrote this. Enjoy the parody!
Disclaimer: None of these things belong to me, yada yada yada. They all belong to our dear Tamora Pierce, so please, don't sue, or I'll have to hurt you.
Chivalrous Dreams
By Wolf Askew
Fiona of Queenscove swept her beautiful golden hair behind her muscular shoulders. It was as if it were a brilliant sunburst after an era of darkness.
Her stunning violet amethyst-ish eyes stole a quick glance in the mirror, and she hunched her tall, slender frame in dismay. Her sisters would never let her hear the end of this one. They were always insulting her due to their jealousy of her flawless beauty. Even though she was extremely kind and intelligent, Fiona didn't have a single friend. She was, for some reason unbeknownst to her, considered a freak throughout Queenscove. And Mithros, she was beautiful. As a matter-of-fact, Fiona was more beautiful than Queen Thayet, the Shang Unicorn, the Royal Ladies, Princess Shinkokami, and the Great Mother Goddess put together!
Fiona sighed inwardly. I certainly WON'T let those two lowly cows ruin my life, she thought stubbornly.
A knock sounded on Fiona's door, startling her out of her thoughts.
"Who is it?" she called, voice sounding like silver bells on a lark-infested tree with a minstrel playing a flute on a nearby river.
"It's me," her mother informed her, stepping inside her room. "I have something to tell you."
Fiona smiled, revealing pearly-white teeth that shined like a gazillion light bulbs, only they were white instead of yellow. "Anything, Mother," she chimed pleasantly.
"Well, Fiona, Lord Wyldon of Cavall has been informed by the Lioness herself that you are an excellent fighter. You know those conservatives- he wants to test your skill by putting you on a year's probation as a page."
Fiona gasped. She had always wanted to train for her shield!
Despite her lack of six years of Yamani training, she was instantly able to keep the surprise and shakiness out of her voice.
"Very well, mother. I shall pack." With that, she strode gracefully out of the room, her pet tiger, dog, sparrows, peacock, dragon, griffin, bunny, lemming, baby mice, horse, pika, emu, ostrich, eagle, and squirrels at her heals.
"I wonder what I should pack," Fiona said to herself, folding milky-peach-snow-wolf-fur-ivory arms over her chest. "I obviously need to pack my weapons."
Fiona gingerly placed her gilded broadswoard, silver-washed longbow, double short bone-handled knives, indistructible rifling crossbow, copper spear, diamond-encrusted glaive, and ivory-coated lance into her dragonhide tote.
Second, she neatly folded her beautiful color-changing cloak and matching breeches. Fiona loved them. They matched her eyes perfectly. After all, even though her eyes were violet amethyst-ish at the moment, they often changed from forest green, to ocean azure, to lapis lazuli, to molten-lava copper, to stormy gray, to calming hazel, to, very rarely, brown, like little orbs of Swiss chocolate.
Fiona sighed. Despite her flawless beauty, her eyes were the only feature she actually liked.
"You're the only feature I actually like," Fiona told her eyes.
"Fiona, we must go!" her mother informed her, urgency in her gruff voice.
"Coming, Mother!" Fiona called, slinging her tote over her shoulder and running out the door as swiftly as a part-zebra-part-jackrabbit-part-cheetah confronted by the Black God himself. Her animals followed.
TO BE CONTINUED…
A/N: Sorry for the painfully short chappie. I didn't have much time to write this, so… yeah. Please R/R!