A/N: Hello everyone. So before you begin you should know that this is, in essence, a crack!fic written by a revolving series of authors from the IMDb Adam!Squad. Yes, there's an Adam!Squad. You should also know that it does turn somewhat SPN related eventually. In this part, even! Enjoy. Oh, and don't flame us, plz. Our fragile hearts can't take it.
On a dark and stormy night, there was a bushy squirrel trying to find a home. But everyone rejected her 'cause she was a squirrel, until she found the house of a kindly old lady named Jordan who was the awesomest person ever.
"Come on into my house," said Jordan. "I have an unfortunate obsession with squirrels, and I'll take care of you!"
The squirrel was a bit apprehensive at the invitation, because through the door he could see the stuffed corpses of his squirrel friends behind Jordan. So, deciding Jordan was clinically insane, he ran away to another house, further down the street from this crazy lady. But Jordan wasn't about to give up on her conquest to complete her civil war stuffed squirrel chess set, so she set off after him.
The squirrel, frightened, ran into a tree while looking behind him, and was knocked unconscious. He awoke, in a daze, tied to a miniature coffee table. Jordan was peering over him as she muttered in a creepy voice that was meant to be soothing, "It's okay. You're with Jordan now…"
"What are you going to do to me?" the squirrel asked, terrified.
"Oh, nothing," Jordan replied, turning around. Scared, the squirrel took this opportunity to try and untie the knots, but the old lady turned around with a cooking pot and the squirrel looked at her, eyes wide with fear.
The old lady looked at him suspiciously, but turned back around. Now the squirrel gnawed his way through the ropes that bound him. Finally he was free, and he ran to the door in hopes of freedom.
He found the door locked. He tried to reach the deadbolt, but couldn't because of his tiny squirrel arms. He glanced behind him and the old lady was bending over to pet her kitty, and the kitty looked over and saw how terrified the little squirrel was.
The squirrel noticed that the kitty only had one eye and no limbs. But that didn't matter, because the squirrel decided to gnaw on the old lady's legs, making her fall into the door and break it down.
Finally.
The squirrel felt sorry for the poor kitty, so helped him to the window where they both escaped.
Lying in the doorway surrounded by the debris of the broken door, the old woman realized she must either be severely overweight or have super-strength to have been able to bust the door down like that. Looking down, the old lady realized that yes, she was severely overweight and she had super-strength. The squirrel and the cat walked over her prone body, scratching her eyes out on the way.
On the way out the door, she realized that possessing super-strength meant she was a superhero. Feeling her way towards the couch while choking on the blood from her gouged eyes, she grabbed a blanket and fashioned a cape out of it. There. Now she was ready.
The squirrel saw this, said, "Screw that!" and revealed himself to be SUPER SQUIRREL.
He tore his fur off and revealed his superhero costume underneath with an SS on his chest. A Jewish man walking nearby saw this and ran off shouting about Nazis.
The old lady set off after Super Squirrel, but due to her blindness, she couldn't see where they were. Super Squirrel snickered and tucked Lame Cat under his arm, because he was a giant.
Lame Cat stared up at Super Squirrel with his one eye. He knew it was insane because he had just met the guy, but he suddenly wished he had proper limbs so that he could use his arms to give him a big, loving hug. Squirrel looked down and was worried by the slightly crazy look in Lame Cat's eye.
Lame Cat saw the concern on Squirrel's face and tried to smile reassuringly, but only managed a sort of grimace. This coupled with the crazy look in his eye caused Squirrel to re-evaluate his decision to rescue the kitty.
But then Lame Cat spoke to him and asked, "What do you plan to do next?"
Super Squirrel, still questioning his decision, said, "We must defeat this evil Jordan character with the gouged out eyes!"
Lame Cat winced at the "gouged out eyes" comment. "What's wrong with not having eyes?" he said, using his only one to glance furtively at SS. If he had limbs, he would have been shuffling his feet self-consciously in the dirt.
"Oh, n-nothing," SS replied, feeling super awkward. "Let's just forget that part. We have to defeat that crazy broad. There."
"Crazy?" Lame Cat repeated, his remaining eye twitching furiously.
"Hells bells, Lamey," Squirrel said, rolling his eyes. They were flying, a point not previously mentioned, and Squirrel loosened his grip, "accidentally" making Lame Cat plummet 100 feet, safely onto a trampoline.
A little girl who was jumping on the trampoline watched as LC landed next to her. She shrieked with delight at her new stuffed animal and proceeded to hug it so hard that its remaining eye popped out.
Luckily, it was a false eye, so no real harm was done. Lame Cat was now pitifully blind, but a kind stranger came by and took him into his home, blindness, lameness, and all. Super Squirrel was secretly pleased.
Secretly Pleased Super Squirrel continued to fly. He needed help in conquering the crazy broad with the gouged out eyes. He felt better knowing that he could now use these terms for her without the fear of offending anyone like maybe a Lame Cat or something.
Super Squirrel decided PC-ness was crap. He flew on, heading to a safehouse where mass amounts of weapons were stored. Upon reaching the safehouse, he entered the password into the security system ("nuts") then walked inside.
Aisles of machine guns and shotguns greeted him. Also greeting him was his butler, Alfrdog, who welcomed him back. "Alfrdog," he said, "I'm gonna need the Squirmobile."
"Right away, Sir Spruce Squayne," he said, for that was his name. The Squirmobile pulled up shortly, looking every inch the fancy car it was. A fancy car with a bushy tail in the back, that is.
"You just waxed it, didn't you, Alfrdog?" Spruce asked, nodding appreciatively.
"How could you tell?" Alfrdog asked, concerned. "I mean, I have my pan-oh, you mean the Squirmobile? Of course, Sir," he finished.
Spruce looked over at Alfrdog with a raised eyebrow. "What else would I have meant?" Alfrdog's tail wagged nervously.
"What? Uh, nothing. My eyebrows. It's whatever. Drop it, Sir. Anyway, your Squirmobile is ready. Please leave now." Alfrdog looked around the room in a flustered manner before quickly running through the door.
Spruce snickered as he made his way to the Squirmobile. He pulled out his cell phone and called the first person on his speed dial. "Jake, I need help," were the only words he said before hanging up.
As Spruce opened the door and climbed in, he smiled to himself. Jake…Jake could help. In more ways than one, if you know what I mean.
The readers did know what the narrator meant and started fanning themselves, for the room was suddenly sweltering. This was the last place they had expected the story to go. Meanwhile, Spruce turned the radio up and rolled down the windows down as he turned out onto Acorn Drive.
Spruce started bobbing his head to the beat of the song and started singing along…"Tik-Tok" by Kesha. Guilty pleasure. During this whole time, Spruce had almost forgotten the point of all that he had done. But then he remembered Old Lady Jordan Crazy Gouged Out Eyes Broad, and his resolve hardened. He set off into the night, trying to find this severely overweight supervillain.
"Heeeeeeeaaaat of the mooooment," he began. By the second "heat of the moment," he realized that he kind of hated this song because it was always the song that greeted him on his alarm radio in the morning.
Spruce sang along to both of the songs, and rode off into the night, as stated earlier. Ten minutes later, he was pulling up to Jake's mansion. He stopped outside the gate and beeped on the intercom. "Jake, I need to see you bab-I mean, dude."
Jake buzzed him in. He pulled up to the mansion to find Jake sitting on the porch swing wearing nothing but a smile. In his dreams of course. He wore a lovely black tailored suit with a blood red dress shirt. And he was smiling.
Spruce took a minute to stare. "Bab-I mean, dude, looking good! What's the special occasion?"
"Oh, nothing, I just like dressing to complement my unbelievable sexiness. What's up, Spruce?"
"Nothing much. Just need your help with defeating this evil blind lady with no eyes. I need your assistance to…defeat her," he finished lamely. Jake leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin on his clasped hands as he thought thoughtfully. Spruce stared at him and realized that this could possibly be the sexiest thing he'd ever seen.
"What did you just say? Something about sexy?" Jake asked. Spruce realized that he had said that part out loud. "Nothing. I just need your help 'cause I'm a tiny little squirrel and you're a big s-"
"No need to say any more, Sprucey!" Jake interrupted. "Whatever you need, I'm your guy."
Spruce was still staring at him adoringly, causing Jake to clear his throat. "Sorry, Jake, your voice is just so deep and…yeah, so I need you to come with me for the night. We can stop and get a milkshake beforehand if you'd like," Spruce finished, coming close to batting his eyelashes.
Any normal person would have felt awkward at this exchange, but he was Jake. He walked confidently down the porch steps. "Yeah, I think I could have a chocolate shake," he said. "Will we be taking the Squirmobile?"
"Of course. Only the best ride for you, Jake." They stepped towards the flashy car and Spruce walked to the passenger side and opened the door for Jake. Chivalry wasn't dead after all.
Jake climbed into the Squirmobile and buckled up. "Safety first," he said.
"Oh, of course!" Spruce replied, buckling himself in. As he turned the car on and began to drive, he reflected on the first time he met Jake…
It was one month ago. Spruce was working a job in Lawrence, Kansas when he stopped at a diner to get some nut pie to go. There he saw a boy, nay, a man. This man was Jake. And he knew that one day he would marr-work with him and together they would team up against evil…in a totally platonic way.
Jake saw Spruce staring at him in a mildly creepy manner and averted his eyes quickly. "Do you…know that furry creature over there?" he asked the waitress, concerned.
"No," the waitress said. "Never seen that dude before." Jake thought it over for a few minutes before deciding to ignore the furry creature. Maybe he would just get his nut pie then leave. Jake picked up a fork and started eating his delicious pumpkin pie and made an effort not to look at the weirdo. Unfortunately, Spruce took that opportunity to continue staring at Jake, memorizing his perfect features. "Do you…know that sexy man over there?" he asked the waitress, intrigued.
"No, but he just asked about you, Mister," she replied with a knowing laugh.
"Really?" Spruce asked with a shy giggle. He crossed his legs and twirled a piece of fur around his finger nervously.
"Yes, really!" the waitress said, giggling. "I think you should go talk him up, babe," she suggested with an eyebrow wiggle.
Spruce started to stand up, but then sat back down in his seat quickly. "I can't!" he said, trying to stifle his giggles. The waitress giggled back and poked him. "Go on, honey!"
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Castiel appeared with his steaming sex stare. The hotness was too much to handle and the room exploded. But 'cause Castiel was an angel, he was able to transport Jake and the squirrel somewhere else.
Spruce and Jake thanked him profusely, but Castiel said, "Whatevs. I have to warn you. In the future…there will be an old lady with gouged out eyes…be safe…KILL HERRRRR!" And with that, he vanished. He left quite an impression.
Spruce and Jake both admitted that the dude was sexy for an angel. Soon after, however, Spruce and Jake completely forgot about him ever showing up in the first place. Which was why Spruce didn't immediately heed his warning about the gouged out eyes lady.
What Spruce and Jake did know, however, was there was now an inexplicable bond between them. Jake considered it friendship. Spruce, as he reached his hand out to brush away an errant strand of hair from Jake's face, thought that he wished his arms were longer so he could actually reach the hair that he was trying to get at. Alas, he only had tiny squirrel arms. He vowed then and there that one day he would learn to fly.
Jake saw the longing look in Spruce's eye and wondered what that was all about. "So…hey dude! What's your name?" he asked, feeling the friendly bond.
Spruce just kept staring. "He's taking to you, idiot!" he said to himself. "Reply back!" But unfortunately, he found himself momentarily struck dumb from the sound of Jake's voice.
For his voice was so deep and rumbly that it shook Spruce to his core. Forcing himself out of the daze, he replied, "Spruce Squayne. You can call me Spruce, and yours hands-uh, dude?"
"I'm Jake!" he replied cheerfully, holding out a hand to shake one of Spruce's. Spruce looked down at his short, tiny arms and then back at the hand Jake was holding out. He sighed. "Um, hey…" he said, waving at him instead.
"So…do you know how we wound up here? Last time I checked, we were at a diner and you were giving me the creep eye…"
"Creep eye?" Spruce chuckled nervously. "I don't think I did anything like that! And even if you think that's what you saw, it totally wasn't," he added, still chuckling, his voice getting higher in pitch. "You know what? Forget about it. Hey, have you seen my Squirmobile?"
"What in the world is a Squirmobile?" exclaimed Jake, choosing to ignore Spruce's weirdness.
"Ah, good," thought Spruce. "He's either choosing to ignore my weirdness or he hasn't noticed anything amiss." Spruce beamed widely and took Jake outside to show off his sweet ride.
"Holy crap, this is a sweet ride!" remarked Jake.
"I know, right? My butler Alfrdog helps me keep it clean and stuff. Want a ride?" he asked.
"You have a butler?" Jake asked, impressed. "Yes, but do you want a ride?" Spruce was persistent. He imagined the shrine he would need to have Alfrdog build around his passenger seat once Jake had sat in it.
"Oh, sure. I've always wanted to ride in a car shaped like a squirrel with a bushy tail attached to the end that probably prohibits the driver from seeing out the back window, thus causing many accidents. A dream of mine, for sure."
"You've dreamt of riding in my car?" Spruce said askingly. He was thrilled as was evidenced by the exclamation point positioned after the question mark in the question that he had asked.
"Well, not your car, per se," Jake responded per se-ingly. "Just...a squirrel car."
"Oh." Spruce replied, disheartened. "Well, hold onto your hat, fella!"
...After that extremely long and pointless flashback that Spruce just had, he realized he had no idea where he was supposed to be driving to. "Where were we headed again?" he asked Jake.
"You're supposed to take me to get a chocolate milkshake, and then we're gonna go fight that Crazy Whosie Whatsit Lady." Jake reminded him.
"Oh, right." Spruce had known all of this of course but just wanted to hear Jake say it. He would never admit it out loud but he found Jake's voice to be orgasmic. "Jake, your voice is orgasmic," he said suddenly.
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?" screeched Jake shockingly.
"I meant...organic. Very natural, your voice is," Spruce said quickly, looking at Jake with a pleading, suggestive stare. Because his eyes were off the road, the Squirmobile veered into a ditch.
"Whaa-" Spruce started as he woke. He realized that he was in the hospital. "You're awake!" said Jake, who was sitting right next to his bed. Spruce deluded himself into thinking Jake had stayed here all night worrying over his unconscious body. In truth, Jake had wanted a chocolate shake. And he had gotten his chocolate shake. 'Cause he was Jake fxcking Abel.
"Hey, dude! I just got here! I wanted that milkshake, so I left after I dropped you off to get it. Thank God you woke up. I didn't want to wait here forever." Jake fxcking Abel admitted.
"Oh," was all Spruce could manage. All his other words were drowned out by the sound of his heart breaking. "Yeah, I would've gotten you one too but I didn't know when you would wake up," Jake said shrugging unconcernedly.
"Oh, that's okay," Spruce said hurriedly, "I'm pretty sure my esophagus is broken anyway," he finished, coughing and choking violently.
"Mmhmm," Jake said, slightly disgusted by the squirrel's hacking coughs. "Oh! I almost forgot... you've got a visitor."
"What? Who? My mom? Alfrdog? Please don't let it be Lame Cat...not Lame Cat, dude's crazy and I think he wants me."
"Uh..I dunno if it's any of those people. Says his name's Mikey. Hold on a sec." Jake walked out of the room and returned seconds later carrying none other than ... Lame Cat.