My Heart Has Stopped
by Trycee
Time Line: Season 8: After Mulder's Funeral.
Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Files, this is written for fun not profit.
Can anyone tell I'm Lost? Can they tell I'm drifting above them, watching as everyone whispers, eats, stares and surrounds me? I'm not sure I'm breathing...or that my heart is still beating. They touch me and I want to repel from them but I am numb. There touch is wrong...it's all wrong...Its doesn't fit...it's foreign, strange, empty. It's only his touch I want...no one else's...no ones...
My mother tries to comfort me amongst the whispers, stares and condolences but it's meaningless to me. In her eyes I see a connection...a connection that only widows share...and I'm a widow now and everyone knows it. I am Mulder's widow...his soul mate, his partner in work and in life...They're standing around me...those people that gossiped and sneered when I walked the halls are now looking at me with pity. I don't want they're pity, I don't want their concern! What I want is for these people to get out of my apartment! I want them to stop looking in my direction as if they understand...they don't! I want them to stop touching me! My world is spinning out of my control...this isn't real, this is just a nightmare and if only I could wake from it, Mulder would be here with me...I need his touch, his comfort, no one else's touch feels right...Why isn't he here to comfort me? I can't feel my heart right now...I can only stare at the wall...into nothingness.
People are speaking to me or about me but I'm not really here...I can't be...They don't understand...He was my life...my world...he was made for me...God, you made him for me and I was made for him...Why did you take him from me...What about his child?...What about our child? Mulder...Mulder, why?
My mother hands me a tissue, she tells me to wipe my tears. I didn't know I was crying...The Gunmen try to console me but they are just another reminder of him. I attempt a smile but it comes out like a grimace. They shoot a glance at my mother and leave. I can't help but feel relief that they're gone. If only they'd all go..."Where's Mulder?", I whispered to no one in particular.
Skinner is standing next to my mother both very close to me, I can almost feel them...He looks alarmed and leans into her to whisper in her ear. "Is she okay?", he asked.
Why would he ask that? Am I okay? Of course not...I've lost my heart...my life...I'm dead inside...almost...
My mother tells him I'm in shock...shock isn't quite the word I'd use...dead...deadened...numb...hollow...those are words I'd use...
Skinner again whispers in her ear so no one else can hear him. "Her shock can't be good for the baby, could it?"
She knows about the baby...I told her when I called her crying that Mulder was...that Mulder was...dead. I expected her to be angry with me but she only held me, talked to me...cared for me...She helped me arrange his funeral...Mulder's funeral...I never thought I'd say those words...My world has ended...My God! My baby...Mulder's baby...will never know him, never feel his touch, his voice...How will I make it through this? How will I carry on to have his baby? If I don't calm myself I could lose him just as I lost Mulder. I lost him...He was worried about me...but I wasn't there for him. When I'm not there, Mulder could die...Mulder could...
"Dana, you need to lie down..."
I hear my mother's words, I look up to see that everyone has gone home. There's tea cups and liquor glasses on every surface...half eaten pieces of cake all around as my mother tries to clean up. "Dana, go rest. I've got it, really. Rest for the baby.", she tells me.
I move for the first time since coming back from his funeral. I wobble a bit and my mother helps me to my bed. I do need to rest for the baby...Mulder's baby...the only thing of him I have left. I wrap myself in a blanket tightly as if his arms are holding me. I can only remember his touch now and the blankets do nothing for me. I cry into my pillow...I'm giving myself this one day to mourn my loss...tomorrow I'll return to work...to keep myself busy like I always do...I need to be where Mulder's essence is...but tonight...tonight I'm mourning my lost for myself and for my baby...for the lost of his father...
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