Disclaimer I do not own anything. And I mean anything.
Lily heard the thump of a body hitting the floor. The dull curtains seemed to get duller.
"Take Harry and go!" he had said. She heard someone coming up the stairs. She grabbed her baby to her chest, feeling fear inside her heart. She whipped her wand out, casting a charm on the door to not open. She then felt her wand fly out of her hand. She shielded her baby to her chest, hearing him laugh, and evil noise to her ears.
"Hand over the child woman, you silly girl." He said
" Not Harry! Not Harry!" she cried, reaching under the boy's pillow, feeling her hands slide across cold metal. She put him in the basinet.
"Don't be stupid woman!" he screeched at her.
She turned back, to look him in the eyes, to show that she wasn't afraid of him, her hand still under his pillow. He laughed, pointing his wand at her.
She leapt, pulling the monkey wrench out of the basinet, slamming it into his head. He dropped like a fly. She gasped, the tears rolling down her cheeks. He didn't get back up. Wait, he was supposed to kill her, wasn't he?
"Honey?" she heard James call from down the stairs. Wasn't he supposed to be dead?
" James?" she asked him, seeing him come into the room, his eyes filled with worry. In fact, wasn't she also supposed to be dead?
"Where is he?" he asked. She pointed to the basinet.
"No, I meant Voldemort." He said, picking Harry up. He was giggling.
"James, you're supposed to be dead!" she said, pointing a finger to the still form of Voldemort.
"So are you Lily!" he said, coming to look at Voldemort. He studied him for a minute, then laughed, muttering, " Sucker, you got beat by a girl."
"What did you do to him?" he asked, watching as she went over and picked up her wand and a book.
"I hit him with a monkey wrench." She said, taking Harry from her husband's arms. They looked at Voldemort.
"Here read this, aren't we supposed to be dead?" she asked him, handing him the first Harry Potter book.
"Umm, it says we are." He said, looking at her
"Ok… ummm. What do we do now?" she asked him, suddenly, the heard Sirius break in through the window, in a ninja pose. He looked at James, Lily, the dead Voldemort and Harry giggling.
"Ummm, Lils aren't you supposed to be dead?" he asked, " and James your supposed to be dead too, and he was supposed to die, but not really." He said, coming to sit down.
"Hey, pad foot, a word from the wise, never mess with a woman protecting a child." He said.
"What did you do to him, wait, you must have did a really complex shield spell!" he said, and then looked for her wand. It was in her hand.
"Actually, I hit him on the head with a monkey wrench." She said, laughing
" Serously?" he asked, then wrinkeled his nose at the pun." But now what?" Sirius asked.
"Umm, we go find Remus and we go kill Peter?" James asked, expecting his wife to glare at him. She only smiled, then said,
"Just don't kill him, and call the order, tell them we have Voldemort under control." she realised she was thristy. somthing about killing the dark lord that had forced them to go into hiding made her thirsty. "James, can you get me some tea?" he nodded
"Wow, what were you thinking Lily, you're going to piss off J.K. Rowling." Sirius said, looking at the book that James had left behind. he picked it up, shrugged, then tossed it over his shoulder. it flew through the window, hitting a cat.
"Who is she?"
"Yeah, she wrote you and your life." he said
"It's not my fault, I have a monkey wrench, he was threatening my baby, and he dies." She said.
Sirius gave up, and James came over and kissed Lily. they kissed more passionatly, and Sirius made a face at them.
"Umm, yeah, still here." Sirius said, then brightened up.
"Hey, now that I'm not going to go to Jail for "murdering" you two, I can get back with my girlfriend." he exclaimed, waiting so that he could call samantha
They heard a quiet knock downstairs, and Sirius went to go get it.
"YOU SON OF A MONKEY WRENCH!! WHY DID YOU KILL THEM? They heard Remus scream.
"Umm, Remus, we aren't dead!" James yelled from the kitchen. Remus came in, looking confused
"Where is Voldemort?"
"With my wife, up in her room. She is waiting for me to call the order."
"Are you dumb James?" he nearly screamed, panicking.
"Oh, did I mention he was dead?" James said, putting a spoonful of sugar into a cut for Lily's tea
"Ummm…. No." he said, he came up the stairs, then saw Lily moving the basinet out of the room. her hair was a little mussed, and the door was blown off, but she was in the room, pushing the basinet out watching as Harry sat down in it, trying to keep his balence on the mooving crib. she looked at him, watching as his eyes trailed to the still form of volemort.
"How did you kill Voldemort?" he asked.
"Monkey wrench" she said.
"Really?" he asked, eyes wide with shock as he noticed the orange wrench on the floor. " you know, poeple are going to bronze this?"
"Yup."
"Gee, you just made the government look smart…" he said. She laughed, and then shoved the basinet into her and James's room.
"Honey, tea is done." James called. She picked Harry up, and then went downstairs.Remus followed her, throwing a look at the bookshelf in the hall. all the Harry potter books were there. he smiled, shaking his head. let muggles have their own fantasys. he caught up with Lily, just as James set some tea in front of her. he himself got some buterbear out and added some to his own cup.
"Have you called the order yet? " she asked him.
"No, hey, we should pull a prank on them…" he said. his hazel eyes lit up with an old gleam that he had lost when they went into hiding.
"I think that is a great idea, lets go!" she called. Remus snickered.
" Ok, Lils, I'll connect in a minute, remember, panicky, crying, I'm dead, Voldemort has killed me." He said. She told everyone to be quiet, then quieted. Harry watched his mom, wide green eyes gleaming with happiness
" Someone, anyone, hurry, Voldemort…. He just murdered James!" she cried, sobbing realistically, he's coming for me!! I don't know how! Hurry please; I'll try to hold him off!! She looked down as Harry screamed shrilly, a smile on his face. He sounded like he was getting crushed against something for protection.
"I hear him, I-!" she cut the call. When she was sure that it had disconnected, she burst into laughter they all did.
" I knew this was going to be funny!" Sirius shrieked with laughter.
The door blew open and Tonks jumped in, pro ninja status, holding her wand. The all laughed, she let out a "huhhh?"
Moody followed, and then saw that no one was dead. "Sirius, this isn't funny, what did you do? Joking about Voldemort being here wasn't funny.
"But he is here," Remus said, pointing to the room above.
"Then why are you having tea?" he growled.
"Ok, fine, I'll get more cups." James said, pretending to sound agrivated as he counted the people who had just entered.
But he can blow this house to the ground you fool!" Moody cried, wipping his wand out and nearly pulling out what hair he had.
"Umm, not really." Lily said, holding Harry closer as she sipped her tea.
"Why?" he asked, his voice straining from not screaming
"Two words, monkey wrench."
"I'm gonna check this out." Moody and Tonks said, leaving the room
When they came back down, they were laughing and in awe.
"She's right, he's sick feet under." they looked awed, tonks held the wrench. she looked at it thoughtfully, " just think, we have been trying to kill him for how long? and we have had people trained in what to do, and the ninistry has commited a whole department to defeat him, and it was done with the monkey wrench, in Harry's room, by Lily." she grinned, then said, " Sounds like the game Clue."
everyone laughed, while Sirius just said, " what's Clue?"
"Now, what do we do?" they all asked, looking at the author of this story. She came in the room, a pen and paper in her hands.
"Well, you could look out the window to see Voldemort's supporters and give them tea." She said. Sirius looked outside, seeing Voldemort's supporters.
"Oh speak of the devil, there they are!" he said. they all stood up, wippinf out wands and getting into a really cool ninja pose. Moody though had an idea. "
"maybe Lily should hand out tea, and you too, Tonks," he said, digging a small vile out of his massive pockets.
"hey, wait, if Harry isn't dead, and if Voldemort is, then that means that i get to keep that motorbike i bought!" he exlaimed. Evryone rolled thier eyes at him.
"I'm not going to be handing out tea!" Lily and Tonks said, then looked at each other. They smiled, " jynx" authors note, I know Tonks isn't in the order yet, but for the story purposes, pretend she is.
"Or maybe we will…" Lily said.
Outside, Malfoy looked around, a bead of sweat hanging over his forehead. He saw a flash of green light and heard a woman screamed.
He laughed, and then waited for what he knew would come next. The door would open, and his master would come out.
The door opened, but Lily came out, a smile on her lips as she came straight for him. She was smiling at him. it was a fake smile. She knew that James and the rest of the order had protected her with slield charms, but she still didn't like it. she hoped her smile didn't look to fake
"Tea, Malfoy?" she asked him, seeing his eyes go wide with fear.
" What are you?" who are you?"
"Ok, guess no tea." She said, turning to another death eater. He was just as scared.
" But Voldemort killed you!!" he said, pointing his wand at her. a fireball exploded around her. When the fire cleared, she was glaring at him, unhurt.
"Umm, no, unfortunately not." She said, coming over to him.
"James!" she called. He poked his out of the open doorway, " yes dear?"
"Maybe they'd like hot chocolate better?" he nodded, then went into the kitchen. She heard pots and pans clank and she heard him murmur the spell for fire.
She turned back to Malfoy. "He kind of died."
"That was supposed to happen, remember, it is in the book." He said, whipping out the sorcerer's stone.
"Yeah, but I killed him, and I didn't die." She said, going to the door and switching trays with Tonks, who also came out and started serving tea.
Malfoy took a cup of hot chocolate, adding some cream to him. he was scared, but he was determined not to show it. He sneered at her, but then, she glared, and he sipped his steamy drink.
"You know, you're such a mud blood." He said, taking another sip. The other death eaters followed through and took some tea. She squared he Jaw, fingering her wand. She heard James clear his throat and calmed down.
"Ahhh wrong choice buddies. Now we have grounds to put you in jail for." She said as the cup slipped from his fingers and smashed on the ground. James came out, and wrapped his arms round her waist, putting his lips near her ear.
"That was brilliant, putting sleep potion in their goblet was wonderful, although I still think it would have been cooler to have a war with them.
"But what do we do now?" she asked him
"I don't know, live happily ever after?" he asked her, kissing her ear. She made a face.
"Your going to try ad eat my ear?" she asked him. He laughed, and she felt his chest rumble gently.
"Yup, unless you turn your head." He said, kissing her sweetly.
"Now someone can call the ministry and have them deal with these guys…" she heard Moody say.
She smiled, then walked into the house with James, ready to start a new life.
Ok, I know this story isn't that good, but I was writing a different one and the idea popped into my head, refusing to leave until I wrote it down. Maybe a funny parody, but there is no point. I am just going to post it for the randomness of it. I know it isn't that good, but thanks for reading it anyways. All reviews, good and bad, welcome, but if you are just going to curse me out of existence, or tell me my story sucks, please, try to grow up. I know this story sucks, but if you see a grammar error, or have an idea I could use, then that would be good. Thanks for reading again.
Angie the unicorn