Disclaimer: The characters used in this parody belong to J. K. Rowling, Warner Bros. and various publishers.

Author's Notes: I decided to re-upload this parody to eliminate some errors and grammar mistakes. This basically is a parody on the advice pages in teenager magazines (that never help) and bad, clichéd HP-fanfiction. Prepare yourself for a lot of sarcasm and read the parody.


~* Rita Skeeter's Advice Page *~

*

Do you have any problems that you can't talk about with anyone?
Don't worry, you're not alone.
Rita Skeeter gives you her advice!

*

I don't get as much attention as I deserve!

I am one of seven children. Three of my brothers have already graduated from Hogwarts and they all had good marks - two even were Head Boys. Then there are my twin brothers who only have been making mischief. I have one sister, too. Just because she's the only girl in the family she gets all the attention. And now I'm at my problem: I don't get enough attention! Even my friends get more of it than me! It's not fair. I even already thought of killing myself. I'm so helpless! Can you give me an advice?

~ Ronald Weasley, 15

Rita says: Killing yourself would be a good way to get attention. But I think robbing Gringotts would have a much better effect since then you'll be able to enjoy the attention you will get then. You could also murder your friends or burn down Hogwarts. Another way would be to get rid of your siblings, so that you are the only one to who your parents can pay their attention.
It is all your decision what you do; you don't need to follow my suggestions. There are so many ways to get attention. (If you succeeded in getting some, let me know.)

My boyfriend cheated on me!

Draco was my boyfriend for three years now. Just yesterday I found out that he cheated on me with a mudblood! A Slytherin cheated me, the hottest girl in school with the purest blood of all, with a goddamn Gryffindor-mudblood!!!
I broke up with him but I still love him and can't live without him. I don't know what to do. Help me! (Either that or I'll curse you!)

~ Pansy Parkinson, 14 and 6 months

Rita says: If I were you, I would try to win him back by using my female weapons (beauty, humour, charm...).
Or have you already tried a love potion? There are some good recipes in the restricted section in the library of Hogwarts in a book called 'Most Potent Potions' but I don't think it would be a problem for a smart girl like you to get it.
You could also write a letter to him, which says, that you'll kill yourself, just because he left you for her. If he is a sensitive boy he will come and 'prevent you' from doing it.
The last way would be to kill that mudblood.

Who should I choose?

My problem is that I have two men who love me.
The first one is Severus Snape, the potion master at Hogwarts, and the second one is Albus Dumbledore.
Severus is 50 years younger than me and it's his dark past that's so fascinating and if he would wash his hair more often he would look so sexy.
Albus is 70 years older than me and so brave, clever and wise. They say, that I have to decide with who of them I want to share the rest of my life with.
I know that Albus doesn't have many years of life left, but I don't want to hurt Severus.
Please, I need your help!

~ Minerva McGonagall, 86

Rita says: Flip a coin, was the first thing I thought when I read your letter.
But now I say: choose Severus! If you are lucky, it gives Albus a heart attack and then you will never, ever have to worry again, if you made the right decision and you can't change your mind again because there is only one possibility left.
One further advantage of choosing Severus is that you don't have to think about if you will ever see him dying (meaning of natural causes). He will just see you dying (meaning of natural causes).
You said, Severus is the potions master. That's an advantage, too. You have to follow all instructions given if you make a potion and you have to clean your cauldron after, etc. ... after your finished. So Severus is a better choice for doing the housework, because he has better experience with cleaning.

Do you have a problem too, which you can't solve alone? Owl Rita and ask her for advice!

~*~

2. Author's Note: For everyone who wants to read this parody in another language there are a French and a German edition of it. The French version was translated by Lindoriae and published here under the name of 'Les Conseils de Rita Skeeter' (FF. Net Story ID: 1757922). The German version is listed as 'Ritas Ratschlag' (FF. Net Story ID: 1424063) on the account of Chidori Satou.