On the edge of oblivion
A/N I own nothing, it all belongs to Veronica Roth
That night. The night I began to stray too far from the edge. I should never have picked Dauntless. I should have stayed in Candor. There, I was safe from everything, especially myself.
i'm standing in the dorm, looking around me. All eyes are on me, except hers. The one person I want to look at me. I can feel the hatred pouring out of her, like water gushing out a tap that is never turned off. Will and Christina are sitting with her, their eyes fixed on me. Should I go over to her? Try apologise? Or should I leave it?
This is question is answered for me when Four comes down, announces dinner. Everyone rises, and starts making their way up the stairs. Except her. She is stopped by Four, and so am I. Will and Christina begin to protest, but are silenced.
Four leads us to his office, right above the Chasm. Only a glass wall protects me from myself. And she knows it. If she could, she would readily remove the glass. She has a right to feel this way. But it dosent stop it hurting.
He asks me why I did it. I tell him, well, I tell him what hurts the least. Peter deceived me, I start, but she looks up at me. Her last request from me, to tell the truth.
'I was scared. I was cowardly.' I tell them, and Four looks up. 'I am no Dauntless,' I continue, before I can stop. 'I though I could survive this way.'
'It looks like you were wrong.' Her words cut through me like shards of ice. This is the first time I have heard her speak since I did it, apart from murmurs to her friends. The ones that don't betray her, that don't try to kill her. Because that is not what friends do.
She looks surprised that she has spoken. Four looks at her warningly, telling her not to speak again. I known why. They all think I'm dangerous, and don't want to provoke me. The only person I am danger to is myself. I could never of hurt her, not really. Which is why I hurt myself instead.
Four writes something down, then tells me to go. As I walk out, I can feel her eyes on me, like lasers through my back.
I pause by the bridge over the Chasm, and look into it's swirling water. It would be so easy. I am no Dauntless. Maybe I should.
There is a bang above me, and I look up to the glass window. The look of horror in her eyes is evident, and I am shocked. I back up against the railing of the bridge as Four runs down the steps toward me.
He sits me in the Dining Hall, other end of the table from her. She is talking quietly to Will, and his mouth falls open. Then all three of them turn to look at me.
I stare down at the plate of chips, covered in ketchup. I wonder what my body would look like if I did what I was going to do. I don't know if I want to find out or not.
Max stands up, and silence falls over the hall. The eyes burning me turn towards him, but he does not shrink from their gaze. Because he is a Dauntless. And I am a Factionless. Not Candor, not Amity, not Erudite or Abnegation. I am a nothing, and they know it. I know it.
I walk back to the dorms ahead of the rest. I have to walk past her to get to the door, and Christina puts an arm around her shoulders, pulling her away from me. I stop, open my mouth. Will stands up. I shut my mouth again.
'Whatever you have to say to her, spit it out.' He starts. 'Though I can't imagine it will help much.' What happened? The change hit me so hard I don't know what to do. One minute we were best friends, now the worst of enemies. Well, I know what happened. I still haven't figured out why I did it.
I decide there is nothing I can say, so I walk on, heading back to the dorm.
The lights turn off, and the dorm is in darkness. Just like all my reasoning. Why did I do what I did? Is there anyway I can recover, can she? The bruises marking her wrists and face cloud me ,haunt me. I did those things. Why?
For some reason, find myself getting out of bed, and tying my shoes. I don't know where my feet are taking me, but I hope it is somewhere better than here. Where I can forgot everything I have done.
I realise where I am going long before I get there. The creak of the bridge of the Chasm is now familiar to me, and here I stand again. This time she is not there to stop me.
I think about all the reasons I am here. I am a coward. A liar and a traitor. I almost killed her. Her who has done nothing to me, nothing but being herself. But she made me realise who I am. Not the gentle boy from Candor, but a cheating vicious monster. And that is why I know I must do this.
Because it is the only way. The only way to tell her I'm sorry, the only way she can possibly forgive me for what I did. The only way that she can continue, forget about me. The only way I can say I am truly sorry, although I know sorry will never be enough.
'Al, stop.' I turn. She is looking at me, tears streaming down her face.
'No, I have to do this.' I am ashamed she has found me, ashamed of the tears I now find on my cheeks.
'Al, please!' I only have time to whisper, 'I'm sorry', before it all that I know turns upside down, and I am gone. Finally tipped over the edge of oblivion.