We Put the Fun in Dysfunctional
Synopsis: A Homestuck skit to be performed wherever the players wish. Only original characters that we are more familiar with will be appearing. Unfortunately, this means that the dancestors, or signless ones will not be appearing, nor will Calliope or Caliborn. I'm definitely sorry about that, and I regret it with every fibre of my makeup, but there are simply far too many characters to keep straight, am I right ?
~*~ Characters ~*~
John Egbert
Rose Lalonde
Jade Harley
Dave Strider
Jake English
Roxy Lalonde
Dirk Strider
Jane Crocker
Tavros Nitram
Vriska Serket
Karkat Vantas
Terezi Pyrope
Kanaya Maryam
Aradia Meggido
Equis Zahhak
Nepeta Leijon
Sollux Captor
Feferi Peixes
Eridan Ampora
Gamzee Makara
Scene 1-Reaching Out
Tav: (adjusting camera) I really hope this works. I want other humans to see how we live our everyday lives here. Alright...Recording...
My name is Tav and I'm here to say
It's a pleasure and an honor to meet you today
I'm about to introduce to you,
All twelve of us, so prepare to get schooled, yo !
(chuckles) Sick rhymes.
Sol: What are you up to, Tav ?
Tav: Just making a digital recording, you know, a documentary.
Sol: What ? Sweet ! Who's in it ?
Tav: We all are. I'm introducing us to other humans.
Kar: Hey, Tav. Didn't know you had a vid recorder.
Gamz: Where's the party at ? What are we doing ?
Eri: Why are all you losers here ?
Fef: Eri, please. Tav wanted us to show the humans what it's like in the day of a troll.
Nep: I have a bad feeling about this.
Vris: I say the more the merrier, and I like Tav's ideas.
Eri: So, who's our narrator ?
Many trolls at once: I am !
Kan: It was Tavro's initial conception, however. I concede that he should carry this plan out to fruition.
Equi: Agreed.
Tav: At least someone is on my side. (sighs a bit) As you can see, there are 12 of us, and we're all unique. Most of us are friends, some enemies, others neutral and then there are the flushed quadrants.
Vris: (looks at her shoes a bit bashfully)
Equi: (clears throat)
Tav: But we won't be going into troll romance just now ! That's a bit complicated, even for you braniac humans out there !
(Trolls laugh)
Gam: We'd like to be best buds if we can. Even if we don't really understand you. Granted, I'm sure there are some of you mofos that are just as honked up as we are.
Sol: True dat.
Kar: (sniggers) No one uses ghetto slang like that anymore, Sollux.
Sol: Whatevs, Karkat. I'm just down with the lingo, yo.
Tav: Life here is different and interesting. Maybe, just maybe we can all be friends, just like Gamzee sugguested.
Equi: It would be most enlightening.
Eri: Friends ? With them ? Lowbloods, all of them !
Fef: (tsks) Eridan, why do you have to be so high and mighty all the time ? Maybe, just maybe we can work together ? We never really tried...
Kar: Oh my ever grubbin gob. Can you get any more sappy, Fef ?
Sol: I agree with her, Karkat.
Gamz: (nodding) Sis's got a point.
Fef: So, please hear our plea. If we are entangled together, though we're all a bit unusual...
Kan: (looking at Vrisk) Some more than others...
Vrisk: (cranky staredown, but Tav comes between them)
Tav: Let us help. Who knows ? Maybe we'll be saving the world together. (ends recording) That's the first time we actually acted as a team. Been a long time.
Kar: Maybe it will be fun, I'll admit.
Sol: Maybe we'll...be able to cooperate more in the future.
Aradia: That's the spirit, Sollux.
Vrisk: (shakes 8 ball) Yes, as the Mystic One predicts.
(scene fade)
Scene 2-Cups and Cakes (Sopor Pie )
Nep: (enjoying a tea party with Equis) Hey, Gamzee ! I see you recieved the invite to my little picnic. How purrfect !
Gamz: I brought piiiiiiiieeee.
Nep: (eating it before Karkat warns her not to)
Equi: This is the most delectable pie I have ever consumed.
Kar: (lowers head and sobs somewhat) I'm too late !
Gamz: And let there be light. You should have some pie too, bro.
Kar: (narrow gaze) Fine. (eats)
Gamz: (singing) Sopor pie, sopor pie !
Equi: So delicious !
Nep: It makes us high !
Gamz: I brought Faygo along, hope I'm not in the wrong !
Kar: Never, bro. You got it goin' on !
Equi: Cups and cakes, Gamzee bakes !
Nep: So divine !
Kar: Makes no mistakes !
Equi: It's really sublime !
Gamz: With my buds life is fine !
All: Eating sopor pie with tea !
Equi: Milk and sugar !
Nep: Bread and jam !
Kar: Another piece Gamz, please !
Gamz: Well, hot damn ! Here it am !
Sopor pie, sopor pie !
Pie's all gone now !
All: Why oh why ?
Equi: How sad it must end !
Kar: But I'm glad we're all friends !
All: Sharing pie, Faygo and tea !
Faygo and tea-hee-heeeeeeeeeee !
(scene fade)
Scene 3-Just Another Day
John: (in the grocery store, buying cake mix for everyone's shared birthday, humming Happy Birthday)
Dave: What a coincidence seeing you here. I guess we all had the same idea, huh ?
Rose: Looks like it.
Dirk: No way !
Jane: This better not end in a time-parodoxy, wibbily wobbily cluster cupcake of disaster.
Jake: (stifles a giggle) Cluster cupcake.
Dirk: Let's get on with it. We don't have all flippin' day.
Jade: Dirk does have a point, you guys.
(They all agree, get what they need and throw a huge, discotecque-esque party)
Dave: Time is fleeting you know.
Rose: No more time jokes ! They're so lame !
John: I thought it was clever, though.
Jade: Let's get to partying already !
(They all dance to Black Eyed Peas 'Let's Get Retarded')
(Scene)
Scene 4-Fashion Show
Aradia: What in Alternia is going on here ?
Kan: Fashion show. Gamzee actually sugguested it.
Terezi: Gamzee sugguested it ? He hasn't been eating sopor pie again...has he ?
Kan: (laughing) Sweet merciful gob no.
Aradia: Then why ?
Terezi: I'm with Megiddo on that one.
Kan: Just a bit of fun.
Gamz: (grin) And a tad of fanservice. (wink)
Kan:
Now I've got a guy and his name is Gamzee
He's a heck of a troll and a slight bit crazy
He's real good lookin', heaven knows
And I'm simply wild about his nutty clothes
He wears black shoes with purple laces
Some polka dot pants and man, oh, man
Black shoes with purple laces
And a big fedora with a purple hat band
Aradia:
Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh
We like baking all kinds of cuisine
We go to drive-in movies in a limousine
He's got a weird sense of humor and a slick sense of style
Ah, how he drives us troll girls wild
He's got black shoes with purple laces
Some polka dot pants and man, oh, man
Black shoes with purple laces
And a big Fedora with a purple hat band
Now Gamz had a feelin' we were goin' to war
So he went out and enlisted us in fightin' corps
But he landed in the brig for raisin' such a storm
When they tried to put us in a uniform
He wanted black shoes with purple laces
A polka dot vest and man, oh, man
He wanted tan shoes with pink shoelaces
And a big Panama with a purple hat band
Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh
Now one day Gamzee started feelin' sick
And he decided that he better make his will out quick
He said
"Just before the angels come to carry me
I want it down in writin' how to bury me."
Gamz: The whole dyin' thing's figurative, right ? Kanaya ?
Kanaya: (nodding while singing) It's just a song ! Songs don't tell the future, you daft clown ! Ahem, where was I ?
A'wearin black shoes with purple laces
A polka dot vest and man, oh, man
Give me black shoes with purple laces
And a big Fedora with a purple hat band
Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh
And a big Fedora with a purple hat band!
(scene fade)
Scene 5-Beyond the Pail
Narrator: Ah, summer. The one time of year when young and old alike can simply be themselves, relax and let go. What have we here ? Some friends making sandcastles. Let's have a looksee, shan't we ?
Dave: I said you could bury me, guys. Not inter me.
John: Huh ?
Roxy: You'll have to excuse John. He has sand and sea water in his ears from that killer wave he just crushed.
Jade: And the most monsterous of waves it was.
Dave: You guys forgot I caught the whole thing on my handycam.
Jade: You are always one step ahead of all of us !
Dave: Hey, I'm the Hero of Time. I gotta be or I don't live up to my wicked awesome rep.
Kar: Are you seriously using a bucket, John ? Have you learned nothing from our encounters ?
John: Woah, Karkat...Settle down. It's just a bucket. It's innocuous.
Kanaya: Vriska explained this to you before, John.
Vriska: I doubt he was even listening, Kanaya. You know how he gets. The moment I start talking to him he goes into some sort of trance. Just like he's doing now. John. John ! Earth to Egbert !
John: (hearing the sax theme from 'Never Gonna Dance Again' and snapping into reality) What ? What happened ? Is Ghostbusters III reality yet ?
Sollux: Gob I hope not...You and your silly human movies !
Kan: Don't gawk, but Eridan is up to his old antics with Fef again.
Aradia: I guess the atmosphere makes him amorous.
Tav: They seem very happy though...Awww.
Kar: I have the sudden urge to puke. Why do they have to pail here of all places ?
Vris: I think it is tremendously romantic.
Kar: (starting to twitch)
Sollux: Guys, I think Karkat's about to have a meltdown.
Tav: If he does, we'll do our best to shoosh pap him into submission.
Dave: I'm just gonna enjoy this fine weather and get myself a tan...under all this sand.
Jade: (laughs her behind off) Sometimes, Strider, you can be such a dork !
Rose: I heard that. Up top ! (high five)
Arad: Has anyone seen Terezi ?
Terezi: (surfing on a wave) Woah...Why is everything moving ?
Dave: (bursts out of the sand)
(Everyone is mesmerized, a superhero theme plays in the background)
Dave: (floats in the wave beside her) I won't let you capsize, Terezi ! I'm right here !
Terezi: I can hear you...And I know you're not too far away because I smell strawberries.
Everyone (except Karkat): Awwww !
Kar: (pretending to gag)
Nep: Oh come on, Karkitty. Don't act as if you aren't secretly enjoying this.
Kar: (doesn't quite look at her) Nope ! (dashes off to go collect shells)
(When Terezi is saved, everyone cheers)
Terezi: My hero ! (hugs him and licks him)
Equi: Nepeta...I-I um...Actually thought that was very heroic. What Dave did for our Terezi, I mean.
Nep: It was, Equis. They're such an adorable ship.
Equi: Quite. I got a little something for you earlier.
Nep: What ?
Equi: (puts shell bracelet on her wrist) I..erm...thought it suited you. Green is your color, after all. Brings out your eyes.
Nep: Aww, Equis. You're so thoughtful.
Equi: I was doing the gentlemanly action. I did what came naturally.
Nep: (kisses his cheek)
Equi: (gets nervous) I need a towel ! (rushes off)
Nep: Aww, Equis, you big, strong doofus you.
(Scene)
Scene 6-Three Little Trolls
(to the tune of 'Three Little Maids' from The Mikado)
(Aradia, Nepeta and Kanaya)
Three little trolls from Alternia
Ari, Nep and Kanaya
This little trio's got is all
Three little trolls from Alternia
Ara: I'm just as happy as can be !
Kan: I'm very chic and fancy free.
Nep: Update my ships and my OTPs...
All 3: Three little trolls from Alternia !
Three little trolls we stick together
Thick and thin and stormy weather
Though we're unique, we're friends forever
Three little trolls are we
Three little trolls are we !
Aradia: One little troll is Aradia !
Nep: Add to her cute Nepeta !
Kanaya: Don't forget our diva !
All 3: Three little trolls from Alternia !
Three little trolls are we !
Three little trolls we stick together
Thick and thin and stormy weather
Though we're unique we're friends forever
Three little trolls are we !
Three little trolls are we !
(scene)
Scene 7-Careerstuck
Narrator: Welcome to the so called 'real' world. Let's see how our beloved characters would fare in actual (gasps dramatically) jobs !
Karkat: (blandly, flatly, and nearly monotone) Good morning, employees. Today I will be explaining your tasks on the job. Should you have any questions, please hold them until after the tour. (looks back into group) Capice ? (pause) (muttering) Gob I hate this *bleeping* excuse of a *bleep* job. But, someone's gotta bring home the bacon, I suppose.
Nepeta: Aren't they just the most adorable kitties you've ever seen ? I'd take them all home with me if people weren't adopting them. Just be extra-specially sweet to them or I will come to your homes and claw all your eyes out. Do we have an understanding ? Good !
Ta !
Tav: Well, if I were a dog, I'd like this one over here. (squeaks a doggie toy) This one has a nice timbre to it. Heh...I hope Gamzee never hears word of this or I'd never live it down...
Gamzee: Hey, Rezi !
Terezi: What ?
Gamz: Isn't this the best job EVAH ?
Terezi: Yep. All the candy we can eat. Only trouble is... We're both too fat to move anymore.
Gamz: I'd love to borrow Equi's copy of Just Dance 4 but...all I wanna do is snooze in the horn pile.
Rezi: If we're ever gonna live to see another day we're gonna need that.
Gamz: Let me get back to you after I've downed this last box of Troll Fruit Gushers, Sis...
Aradia: Welcome to Lackluster Video. Can I sugguest a title for you ? I would recommend anything apocolyptic or arecheological. Or, better yet, why not getting off your fat human heiny and actually doing something for a change ?
Kanaya: Greetings, human. Oh, dear heavens me. Something must be done about that horrid outfit immediately. You know what this calls for, don't you darling ? (a little bit too eagerly) Total body makeover !
Equi: Welcome to GNC. If you have any questions on our products just direct them to me. I highly recommend the muscle milk for strong body mass. As you can see, it has done wonders for my physique.
Fef: Do you like those fish, little boy ? I'm pleased you do, but so help me if you don't feed him every day, I will find you, hunt you down, and skewer you on my trident. Enjoy your fishy !
Eridan: Oh yes, certainly. I do participate in D&D daily here with other fellow patrons. I'm always the alchemist/theurge or whatever you wish to call it. (Some schmuck calls out to him, 'You're a wizard, Eridan !) I'll have you know, landdweller, that I could curse your existance so hard...(breathing deeply) 1, 2, 3, high blood me...
4, 5, 6...Sinking ships... 7, 8, 9...Shore am fine... (is calm) But you know, wizards got the most game (and calls out to heckler) and I doubt you are getting pailed anytime soon !
Sollux: Thank you for calling the Helpdesk. I'm Sollux. How may I help you. Have you tried turning it off and on again ? Yes, yes...Right. Of course. Have you tried plugging it in ? (sighs and slaps his palm to his face in utter disgust) Why don't people ever RTFM anymore ? Ugh...my job would be so much easier...
Vrisk: Do I sell many of these magic kits, ma'am ? Let's see. A lot of kids seem to like Cris Angel's 'Mindfreak' kit. I can see why...such a dreamy hunk of human flesh. Delicious. But if they want to go old school like Copperfield, let them. Retro is hot too ! Whatever you like, I'd say go for it. Go wild, woman !
Dave: Man...This job is off the hook. I get paid to just sit here and test all the video games I want and free anime downloads all day long. Life is good...Life is sweet. It's awesome just being me !
Jade: It's like being a little kid again and I can dress up whenever I want wherever I want and however I want. Ah, to be an actress ! The career for those who never grow up...or actually have a title !
John: Yes, I assure you. Those are vintage Suspira comics. Not many made, no. I will admit to reading them for the artist value. Don't judge me !
Roxy: The pinot noir is a fine choice madam...hic. I should know.
Most of these I've been 'sampling' whilst the big kahuna's away. (laughing) But don't tell anyone m'kay ?
Dirk: Yes, I have caught all Pokemon and have all the cards, and of course I am the master of the Pokemon world. If you challenge me, which I dare you to do...I will beat you so hard you will never know what hit you. So what do you say ? Duel ?
Jane: Today, we will be making my signature brownies. Follow along with my recipie and you should have perfect ooey gooey, sticky, chocolately brownies that will have your family saying, 'your baking is maaaaagiiiiic'. (giggling)
Karkat: And that's the end of the tour. May you be as miserable, I mean, as productive as I am and hopefully I won't have to pink slip your sorry ass right out of the door. Have a marvelous day. Buh-bye now !
(scene fade)
(Cast bow)