FINAL FANTASY VII
That Kiss
(Open to 7th Heaven, the basement. Barrett is sitting on the couch, watching TV. The phone rings and he answers it.)
Barrett: Hello?
Caller: Barrett? It's the Ragtime Mouse here from Who Wants to be a Gillionaire?
Barrett: (in disbelief) #@$%^&* hell!
Ragtime Mouse: We've got a friend of yours here.
Barrett: You haven't?!
Ragtime Mouse: He's a bit thick.
Barrett: A bit thick?!
Ragtime Mouse: It's Cid.
Barrett: Not #@$%^&* Highwind?!
Ragtime Mouse: Right. Cid's stuck on a question.
Barrett: No?!
Ragtime Mouse: He's up to five gil, and with your help, he can make it ten gil.
Barrett: Ten #@$%^&* gil?!
Ragtime Mouse: Okay. Understand the rules?
Barrett: Yeah!
Ragtime Mouse: The next voice you'll hear will be Cid's.
Barrett: What if I don't know? I'll ask my friends, if that's all right with you.
Cid: Now then, Barrett...
Barrett: Hiya, Cid!
Cid: What did Mary have?
Barrett: Mary...
Cid: Was it A: A big ass-
Barrett: A #@$%^&* huge ass!
Cid: ...B: Smelly armpits-
Barrett: #@$%^&* stunk!
Cid: ...C: Saggy breasts-
Barrett: Down to her knees, Cid, yeah...
Cid: ...or D: A lamb.
Barrett: Won't be lamb, Cid, with all the foot-and-mouth and BSE. It'll be saggy breasts.
Cid: Right, Barrett. Thanks. (the line goes dead)
Barrett: Bye, Cid. Bye. (puts the phone down)
(Cut to the set of Who Wants to be a Gillionaire? Cid is sitting opposite the host, the Ragtime Mouse.)
Ragtime Mouse: You're going for C: Saggy breasts?
Cid: Yep. And that's my final #@$%^&* answer.
Ragtime Mouse: Well, Cid, you had five gil... oh, Cid, it's the wrong answer. I'm sorry, buddy.
Cid: Damn it!
(Cut back to 7th Heaven, the basement. The phone rings and Barrett answers.)
Barrett: Hello?
Cid: Barrett, it's Cid! You were #@$%^&* wrong!
Barrett: Oh, sorry, Cid. Have you lost ten gil? Was it rancid smelly armpits, was that what it was?
Cid: It was what you are!
Barrett: What?
Cid: An ass! (the line goes dead as Barrett makes a face)
(Cut to the bar. Red XIII, Aeris and Barrett are sitting at the table. Tifa is handing them their mail.)
Tifa: Red XIII... (gives Red XIII a large envelope)
Red XIII: (opens it) All right! The latest issue of Hot Bitches Monthly! (embarrassed, he hides it quickly)
Tifa: Aeris... (gives Aeris a letter)
Aeris: (opens it) It's a letter from my pen pal in Wutai! (reads it in her head) "Dear Aeris, Life here is very, very bad at the moment. Food is in short supply and there is a slight possibility that war may break out within the next couple of weeks. However, it's not all doom and gloom. Last night Father stopped Mother from getting beaten up - he counted to ten. And I am also pregnant. People have been asking me what I hope it will be. I personally hope it will be my husband's. Well, I shall write back soon. Yours sincerely, Wutaianese Woman."
Tifa: ...and this one's for you, Barrett. (gives Barrett a letter)
Barrett: What the #@$%^&* hell's this? It don't look like a threatenin' letter... (opens it and reads it briefly) Oh my freakin' God! I've won an all expenses paid trip to the Costa del Sol... for a whole five days!
Tifa: What?
Aeris: Congratulations, Barrett! (pause) Can I come?
Tifa: Aeris!
Barrett: Nah, forget about it. Sure thing, Aeris. It's for a party of four people. Tifa, you an' that Cloud hole can come, too.
Tifa: Uh, I don't know...
Red XIII: What about me?
Barrett: Sorry, smelly, but it's for four PEOPLE. And the last time I looked, you weren't no people.
Red XIII: (disappointed) Fine. I'd rather spend five days with my porn, anyway. (walks off)
Aeris: Wow! A vacation in the Costa del Sol! I have to get down to Wall Market and buy myself a new bathing costume! (leaves)
Barrett: An' I'd better ring to confirm the bookin'. (picks up the phone)
Tifa: Barrett, if it's all the same with you, I think I'll stay home.
Barrett: Why? It's a free vacation, Tifa.
Tifa: But Cloud and I... Things between us lately haven't been so... What I'm trying to say here is... So without making too much of a drama out of this whole situation, I think it'd be best for all if I were to stay home.
Barrett: Tifa, none o' that made any sense. Speak English, dammit.
Tifa: Ever since Cloud and I shared that... awkward kiss last week, things between us have been so uncomfortable.
Barrett: Uncomfortable how?
(Cut to the basement. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett are sitting on the couch, watching TV. Barrett is sitting in between Cloud and Tifa.)
Ragtime Mouse: (on TV) You wanna ask the audience?
Barrett: There ain't no need to waste a damn lifeline, retard! That question's as easy as punch and pie, huh, guys?
Cloud: Uh...
Tifa: Um...
Barrett: Come on! You two know this one!
Cloud: I need to use the bathroom! (gets up and runs off)
Barrett: What the hell's up with him?
Tifa: Who... Who knows? But if he's coming back, then I'm going out.
(Cut to the bar. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett are sitting at the table, eating their dinner.)
Cloud: Barrett? Could you pass the salt?
Barrett: Ask Tifa. She's closer.
Cloud: Um... never mind. I'll just use pepper instead. (pours it onto his food and takes a bite) Urk! (clutches his throat) Dang it! I forgot I'm allergic to pepper! (falls backwards off his chair)
Barrett: (gets up) Holy crap! I'll call an ambulance! Tifa, help him regain consciousness! (looks around to see Tifa running off upstairs) For God's sake! Do I have to do everythin' around here?!
(Cut to the bathroom. Barrett is sitting in the bath, bathing. Cloud is taking a whizz in the toilet beside him. Tifa barges in, but quickly backs off.)
Tifa: Oh! Sorry, Barrett! (leaves)
Barrett: (to Cloud) Strange... Usually she just goes anyway...
(Cut back to the bar.)
Tifa: Don't tell me you haven't noticed?
Barrett: Eh, can't say I have...
Tifa: Well, it's true. Things between Cloud and me have never been worse. It's like that kiss drove a wedge between us.
Barrett: What's that about Wedge?! He didn't take part in no threesomes!
Tifa: Figure of speech, Barrett, figure of speech.
Barrett: Don't worry 'bout it, man. You and him are bound to patch things up sooner or later. Just make sure it's sooner, 'cause we're leavin' tomorrow.
(Cut to the buggy, the following day. Aeris is sitting in the passenger's seat. Tifa is sitting in the back.)
Cloud: (from outside) But Barrett, I don't wanna go! I can't go!
Barrett: (from outside) Shu' up and get in the car, dammit!
Cloud: (from outside) No, I- (Barrett throws him into the back seat with Tifa) -urk! (looks at Tifa, awkwardly) Uh, huh... hi, Tifa.
Tifa: Hi... Cloud.
Barrett: (reaches in and buckles Cloud's seat belt) And no squirmin', either!
Cloud: Hey!
Barrett: (leaves the back of the buggy and gets in the driver's seat) Awright, everyone. We all in?
Aeris: Yep!
Cloud and Tifa: Yes.
Barrett: Awright then, let's blow this pop stand. (starts the engine)
(Cut to Junon, the docks. Cloud, Tifa, Aeris and Barrett walk in with their suitcases. Cloud, however, doesn't have his.)
Cloud: Oh, darn!
Barrett: What is it?
Cloud: I've forgotten my luggage. How embarrassing. It looks as though I'll have to stay home. What a shame. Oh, well, goodbye, everyone. See you in five days. (starts to leave)
Barrett: (grabs Cloud) Not so fast, Mr. I Don't Want to Go on Vacation! I took the liberty of packin' a few of your things, too. Somehow I had a feelin' you might "forget".
Cloud: (disappointed) Oh, that's so... thoughtful of you, Barrett. Where would I be without you? I don't know. (Tifa sighs)
Aeris: What's wrong, Tifa?
(Cut to the Costa del Sol, the docks. A ship is docked in at the harbour. Cloud, Tifa, Aeris and Barrett walk off with their suitcases.)
Barrett: Here we are! The Costa del Sol!
Aeris: What's say we go and unpack and then hit the beach?
Barrett: Sounds good to me!
Tifa: I'll pass.
Cloud: Me too.
Tifa: On second thoughts, the beach does sound like a good idea.
Barrett: Right on, that's settled then.
(Cut to the hotel, the girls' room. Aeris and Tifa are unpacking.)
Aeris: So, Tifa, what's the deal with you and Cloud?
Tifa: There's nothing going on between me and Cloud.
Aeris: I didn't say there was. But it's obvious to both me and Barrett, that something's not quite right. You hardly said two words to each other on the ship.
Tifa: I was tired. I didn't get much sleep last night. I was too busy thinking about that silly kiss Cloud and I shared. (pause) Oops!
Aeris: You and Cloud kissed?! (gasps) So that's what this is all about! You two feel awkward around each other because you shared an intimate moment! Wait a minute! That's bad! You knew I had feelings for Cloud!
Tifa: You did?
Aeris: No. Not really. Well, maybe a little. Okay, a lot.
Tifa: I don't know what to do, Aeris. We haven't spoken in days, we can barely stand to be in the same room as each other. This is exactly why I didn't want to go on vacation with him. How the heck are we expected to hang out together with that kiss hovering over our heads?
Aeris: It serves you right.
Tifa: What?!
Aeris: You should never have made a move on him. You know Cloud doesn't feel that way about you.
Tifa: Excuse me, Aeris, but HE made a move on ME!
Aeris: Really?
Tifa: Yes! You know I would never act on my true feelings.
Aeris: Well that's different then. So that means Cloud must feel that way about you.
Tifa: I don't know, Aeris. I'm not reading too much into it. I mean, he was really apologetic after he'd done it. Plus we'd been drinking.
Aeris: I see...
Tifa: It's just I don't know where we stand now. And because we haven't actually sat down and talked about it, it's made things even worse.
Aeris: Well, it looks to me like you both need to have a little chat.
Tifa: Cloud would never agree to that. And to be honest, I don't think I would either.
Aeris: Yours and Cloud's relationship is in danger here, Tifa. If I were you, I'd have that chat, otherwise, well...
(Cut to the boys' room. Barrett is unpacking. Cloud is laying on his bed.)
Barrett: Yo! Come and help me unpack, Cloud! Half this is stuff is yours, after all!
Cloud: (sighs) What am I going to do, Barrett?
Barrett: Well, ya take your clothes out, hang 'em up in the closet...
Cloud: No, I mean about Tifa.
Barrett: What about her? You in love with her or somethin'?
Cloud: No, I... I... Am I?
Barrett: I 'unno.
Cloud: But this whole not talking to her thing, it's driving me crazy. Tifa's my best friend, apart from you, of course, I just wanna be able to talk to her and hang out with her like before.
Barrett: Well, why doncha?
Cloud: It's not that simple, Barrett. (sits up) I'm going to tell you something here, okay, and I don't want it to leave this room... ever.
Barrett: You mean about the fact that you and Tifa kissed? Yeah, I already know about that. Tifa told me all about it yesterday.
Cloud: She told you?!
Barrett: Yeah, it ain't supposed to be some kinda secret, is it?
Cloud: I don't think so, but still. It's not the kind of thing you want people to know. It just makes me wonder who else knows.
Barrett: Aeris.
Cloud: Aeris knows?!
Barrett: Probably. If I know Tifa, and I do, then she's probably tellin' her right now.
Cloud: Oh, God...
Barrett: Don't take it too bad though. Aeris ain't likely to blag it around, and Tifa don't have many other friends.
Cloud: (groans) I wish I'd never kissed her in the first place!
Barrett: Yeah, well, ya did. Let this be a lesson to ya.
Cloud: What lesson is that?
Barrett: Never kiss girls, I dunno. What am I, a teacher?
Cloud: It could be worse, I guess. At least we didn't sleep together.
Barrett: Bet ya wish ya had've done though, eh?
Cloud: Kinda. But that's not the point.
Barrett: Well, I'm off to the beach. Y'know, there's still time to make it up with Tifa. Why doncha come down with us?
Cloud: I'd rather be left alone, but thanks anyway.
Barrett: Please yourself. (leaves)
(Cut to the beach. Aeris is laying on a sun lounger. She's wearing a pair of sunglasses and a pink bikini. Barrett walks down the steps.)
Barrett: Where's Tifa?
Aeris: Trying to rebuild her friendship with Cloud.
Barrett: I knew she'd tell ya...
(Cut to the hotel, the boys' room. Cloud is flipping through the television channels.)
TV: Callin' one, callin' all! Come to Sephirothland! (Cloud changes the channel) Hello, and welcome to "Midgar's Funniest Home Videos." (Cloud changes the channel) The offspring of the bandersnatch rely on their mother to- (Cloud changes the channel) "Life at 7th Heaven" is sponsored by Chocoballs!
Cloud: Where the hell's the porno channel...? (the door knocks) Come on in, it's open! (Tifa walks in) Tifa?!
Tifa: I'll go, if you want...
Cloud: No, please, come in. (Tifa shuts the door) So, uh...
Tifa: Here we are.
Cloud: Here we are.
Tifa: (pause) Cloud, this is ridiculous. We haven't spoken to each other since...
Cloud: I know.
Tifa: I don't know about you, but I want things to go back to how they were.
Cloud: That's a coincidence, so do I.
Tifa: Then that's it then. We're friends again?
Cloud: Sure we are, Tifa. We always have been. But... don't you think we should discuss that... kiss?
Tifa: (sits down) I don't know. Do you... wanna talk about it?
Cloud: Not if you don't.
Tifa: Well, people are going to be disappointed if we don't.
Cloud: People? What people?
Tifa: You know, them. Aeris and Barrett.
Cloud: Oh, yeah. Tifa, I kissed you because...
Tifa: Yes?
Cloud: Because I...
Tifa: Yes? Go on.
Cloud: Because I... was drunk.
Tifa: ...drunk?
Cloud: Yep, drunk.
Tifa: Cloud, you'd only had two beers.
Cloud: Exactly. I was totally out of it.
Tifa: Right, if you say so. I guess that's valid.
Cloud: Certainly is.
Tifa: Okay, so we'll both agree to never mention it again, is that it?
Cloud: Yeah, that sounds like the thing to do.
Tifa: ...all right then, Cloud. It's forgotten.
Cloud: Great. I must say that's a real weight off my mind.
Tifa: Yeah, mine too.
Cloud: (gets up and holds out his hand) C'mon, Tifa, let's go catch some sun.
Tifa: Okay. (takes Cloud hand)
(Cut to the beach. A crowd has gathered down by the sea. Cloud and Tifa walk down the steps.)
Tifa: What's going on over there?
Cloud: I don't know...
Barrett: (standing with the crowd, waving) Cloud! Tifa! Get yo' asses over here! It's Aeris!
Cloud and Tifa: Aeris?! (they both run over to the crowd)
Cloud: What happened to Aeris?
Barrett: Take a look for yourself. (Aeris is laying on the sand, getting mouth-to-mouth from the life guard) She went out into the sea and started drownin' or somethin'. When the life guard pulled her out, she wasn't breathin' or anythin'.
Tifa: Oh my God!
Life Guard: No good, people. We've lost her.
Tifa: Nooo...
Barrett: Damn it to hell!
Cloud: ...and another one bites the dust.
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett walk in with their suitcases.)
Barrett: Man, what a vacation that turned out to be...
Tifa: I still can't believe Aeris is dead...
Cloud: Cheer up, Tifa. Aeris may be dead, but at least she went out knowing that you and me were talking again.
Tifa: Uh, no, she didn't, Cloud. She died before we properly made up.
Cloud: Oh, that makes a big difference then. (the phone rings and Barrett answers it)
Barrett: Yeah? 7th Heaven.
Ragtime Mouse: Barrett, the Ragtime Mouse here again. I've got another friend of yours here.
Barrett: #@$%^&* useless!
Ragtime Mouse: Stuttering Vivi.
Barrett: Stuttering Vivi?
Ragtime Mouse: He's stuck on a question too. He's got five hundred thousand gil-
Barrett: (sits down) #@$%^&* hell!
Ragtime Mouse: -and you could help him make it a million.
Barrett: Five hundred thousand gil?!
Ragtime Mouse: He's gone 50/50, he says there's just two possible answers. The next voice you'll hear is Stuttering Vivi. You've got thirty seconds from now.
Barrett: No pressure like, no pressure like.
Vivi: B-B-Barrett?
Barrett: Yeah? Yeah? We're all here. We're waitin'.
Vivi: V-V-Vivi here.
Barrett: Yeah.
Vivi: C-C-Can you help me?
Barrett: Yeah, we're waitin'. There's three of us here.
Vivi: W-W-What I want to know is...
Barrett: Well hurry up, Vivi, 'cause you've only got- (the line goes dead) -you #@$%^&* asshole!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE END__________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That Kiss
(Open to 7th Heaven, the basement. Barrett is sitting on the couch, watching TV. The phone rings and he answers it.)
Barrett: Hello?
Caller: Barrett? It's the Ragtime Mouse here from Who Wants to be a Gillionaire?
Barrett: (in disbelief) #@$%^&* hell!
Ragtime Mouse: We've got a friend of yours here.
Barrett: You haven't?!
Ragtime Mouse: He's a bit thick.
Barrett: A bit thick?!
Ragtime Mouse: It's Cid.
Barrett: Not #@$%^&* Highwind?!
Ragtime Mouse: Right. Cid's stuck on a question.
Barrett: No?!
Ragtime Mouse: He's up to five gil, and with your help, he can make it ten gil.
Barrett: Ten #@$%^&* gil?!
Ragtime Mouse: Okay. Understand the rules?
Barrett: Yeah!
Ragtime Mouse: The next voice you'll hear will be Cid's.
Barrett: What if I don't know? I'll ask my friends, if that's all right with you.
Cid: Now then, Barrett...
Barrett: Hiya, Cid!
Cid: What did Mary have?
Barrett: Mary...
Cid: Was it A: A big ass-
Barrett: A #@$%^&* huge ass!
Cid: ...B: Smelly armpits-
Barrett: #@$%^&* stunk!
Cid: ...C: Saggy breasts-
Barrett: Down to her knees, Cid, yeah...
Cid: ...or D: A lamb.
Barrett: Won't be lamb, Cid, with all the foot-and-mouth and BSE. It'll be saggy breasts.
Cid: Right, Barrett. Thanks. (the line goes dead)
Barrett: Bye, Cid. Bye. (puts the phone down)
(Cut to the set of Who Wants to be a Gillionaire? Cid is sitting opposite the host, the Ragtime Mouse.)
Ragtime Mouse: You're going for C: Saggy breasts?
Cid: Yep. And that's my final #@$%^&* answer.
Ragtime Mouse: Well, Cid, you had five gil... oh, Cid, it's the wrong answer. I'm sorry, buddy.
Cid: Damn it!
(Cut back to 7th Heaven, the basement. The phone rings and Barrett answers.)
Barrett: Hello?
Cid: Barrett, it's Cid! You were #@$%^&* wrong!
Barrett: Oh, sorry, Cid. Have you lost ten gil? Was it rancid smelly armpits, was that what it was?
Cid: It was what you are!
Barrett: What?
Cid: An ass! (the line goes dead as Barrett makes a face)
(Cut to the bar. Red XIII, Aeris and Barrett are sitting at the table. Tifa is handing them their mail.)
Tifa: Red XIII... (gives Red XIII a large envelope)
Red XIII: (opens it) All right! The latest issue of Hot Bitches Monthly! (embarrassed, he hides it quickly)
Tifa: Aeris... (gives Aeris a letter)
Aeris: (opens it) It's a letter from my pen pal in Wutai! (reads it in her head) "Dear Aeris, Life here is very, very bad at the moment. Food is in short supply and there is a slight possibility that war may break out within the next couple of weeks. However, it's not all doom and gloom. Last night Father stopped Mother from getting beaten up - he counted to ten. And I am also pregnant. People have been asking me what I hope it will be. I personally hope it will be my husband's. Well, I shall write back soon. Yours sincerely, Wutaianese Woman."
Tifa: ...and this one's for you, Barrett. (gives Barrett a letter)
Barrett: What the #@$%^&* hell's this? It don't look like a threatenin' letter... (opens it and reads it briefly) Oh my freakin' God! I've won an all expenses paid trip to the Costa del Sol... for a whole five days!
Tifa: What?
Aeris: Congratulations, Barrett! (pause) Can I come?
Tifa: Aeris!
Barrett: Nah, forget about it. Sure thing, Aeris. It's for a party of four people. Tifa, you an' that Cloud hole can come, too.
Tifa: Uh, I don't know...
Red XIII: What about me?
Barrett: Sorry, smelly, but it's for four PEOPLE. And the last time I looked, you weren't no people.
Red XIII: (disappointed) Fine. I'd rather spend five days with my porn, anyway. (walks off)
Aeris: Wow! A vacation in the Costa del Sol! I have to get down to Wall Market and buy myself a new bathing costume! (leaves)
Barrett: An' I'd better ring to confirm the bookin'. (picks up the phone)
Tifa: Barrett, if it's all the same with you, I think I'll stay home.
Barrett: Why? It's a free vacation, Tifa.
Tifa: But Cloud and I... Things between us lately haven't been so... What I'm trying to say here is... So without making too much of a drama out of this whole situation, I think it'd be best for all if I were to stay home.
Barrett: Tifa, none o' that made any sense. Speak English, dammit.
Tifa: Ever since Cloud and I shared that... awkward kiss last week, things between us have been so uncomfortable.
Barrett: Uncomfortable how?
(Cut to the basement. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett are sitting on the couch, watching TV. Barrett is sitting in between Cloud and Tifa.)
Ragtime Mouse: (on TV) You wanna ask the audience?
Barrett: There ain't no need to waste a damn lifeline, retard! That question's as easy as punch and pie, huh, guys?
Cloud: Uh...
Tifa: Um...
Barrett: Come on! You two know this one!
Cloud: I need to use the bathroom! (gets up and runs off)
Barrett: What the hell's up with him?
Tifa: Who... Who knows? But if he's coming back, then I'm going out.
(Cut to the bar. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett are sitting at the table, eating their dinner.)
Cloud: Barrett? Could you pass the salt?
Barrett: Ask Tifa. She's closer.
Cloud: Um... never mind. I'll just use pepper instead. (pours it onto his food and takes a bite) Urk! (clutches his throat) Dang it! I forgot I'm allergic to pepper! (falls backwards off his chair)
Barrett: (gets up) Holy crap! I'll call an ambulance! Tifa, help him regain consciousness! (looks around to see Tifa running off upstairs) For God's sake! Do I have to do everythin' around here?!
(Cut to the bathroom. Barrett is sitting in the bath, bathing. Cloud is taking a whizz in the toilet beside him. Tifa barges in, but quickly backs off.)
Tifa: Oh! Sorry, Barrett! (leaves)
Barrett: (to Cloud) Strange... Usually she just goes anyway...
(Cut back to the bar.)
Tifa: Don't tell me you haven't noticed?
Barrett: Eh, can't say I have...
Tifa: Well, it's true. Things between Cloud and me have never been worse. It's like that kiss drove a wedge between us.
Barrett: What's that about Wedge?! He didn't take part in no threesomes!
Tifa: Figure of speech, Barrett, figure of speech.
Barrett: Don't worry 'bout it, man. You and him are bound to patch things up sooner or later. Just make sure it's sooner, 'cause we're leavin' tomorrow.
(Cut to the buggy, the following day. Aeris is sitting in the passenger's seat. Tifa is sitting in the back.)
Cloud: (from outside) But Barrett, I don't wanna go! I can't go!
Barrett: (from outside) Shu' up and get in the car, dammit!
Cloud: (from outside) No, I- (Barrett throws him into the back seat with Tifa) -urk! (looks at Tifa, awkwardly) Uh, huh... hi, Tifa.
Tifa: Hi... Cloud.
Barrett: (reaches in and buckles Cloud's seat belt) And no squirmin', either!
Cloud: Hey!
Barrett: (leaves the back of the buggy and gets in the driver's seat) Awright, everyone. We all in?
Aeris: Yep!
Cloud and Tifa: Yes.
Barrett: Awright then, let's blow this pop stand. (starts the engine)
(Cut to Junon, the docks. Cloud, Tifa, Aeris and Barrett walk in with their suitcases. Cloud, however, doesn't have his.)
Cloud: Oh, darn!
Barrett: What is it?
Cloud: I've forgotten my luggage. How embarrassing. It looks as though I'll have to stay home. What a shame. Oh, well, goodbye, everyone. See you in five days. (starts to leave)
Barrett: (grabs Cloud) Not so fast, Mr. I Don't Want to Go on Vacation! I took the liberty of packin' a few of your things, too. Somehow I had a feelin' you might "forget".
Cloud: (disappointed) Oh, that's so... thoughtful of you, Barrett. Where would I be without you? I don't know. (Tifa sighs)
Aeris: What's wrong, Tifa?
(Cut to the Costa del Sol, the docks. A ship is docked in at the harbour. Cloud, Tifa, Aeris and Barrett walk off with their suitcases.)
Barrett: Here we are! The Costa del Sol!
Aeris: What's say we go and unpack and then hit the beach?
Barrett: Sounds good to me!
Tifa: I'll pass.
Cloud: Me too.
Tifa: On second thoughts, the beach does sound like a good idea.
Barrett: Right on, that's settled then.
(Cut to the hotel, the girls' room. Aeris and Tifa are unpacking.)
Aeris: So, Tifa, what's the deal with you and Cloud?
Tifa: There's nothing going on between me and Cloud.
Aeris: I didn't say there was. But it's obvious to both me and Barrett, that something's not quite right. You hardly said two words to each other on the ship.
Tifa: I was tired. I didn't get much sleep last night. I was too busy thinking about that silly kiss Cloud and I shared. (pause) Oops!
Aeris: You and Cloud kissed?! (gasps) So that's what this is all about! You two feel awkward around each other because you shared an intimate moment! Wait a minute! That's bad! You knew I had feelings for Cloud!
Tifa: You did?
Aeris: No. Not really. Well, maybe a little. Okay, a lot.
Tifa: I don't know what to do, Aeris. We haven't spoken in days, we can barely stand to be in the same room as each other. This is exactly why I didn't want to go on vacation with him. How the heck are we expected to hang out together with that kiss hovering over our heads?
Aeris: It serves you right.
Tifa: What?!
Aeris: You should never have made a move on him. You know Cloud doesn't feel that way about you.
Tifa: Excuse me, Aeris, but HE made a move on ME!
Aeris: Really?
Tifa: Yes! You know I would never act on my true feelings.
Aeris: Well that's different then. So that means Cloud must feel that way about you.
Tifa: I don't know, Aeris. I'm not reading too much into it. I mean, he was really apologetic after he'd done it. Plus we'd been drinking.
Aeris: I see...
Tifa: It's just I don't know where we stand now. And because we haven't actually sat down and talked about it, it's made things even worse.
Aeris: Well, it looks to me like you both need to have a little chat.
Tifa: Cloud would never agree to that. And to be honest, I don't think I would either.
Aeris: Yours and Cloud's relationship is in danger here, Tifa. If I were you, I'd have that chat, otherwise, well...
(Cut to the boys' room. Barrett is unpacking. Cloud is laying on his bed.)
Barrett: Yo! Come and help me unpack, Cloud! Half this is stuff is yours, after all!
Cloud: (sighs) What am I going to do, Barrett?
Barrett: Well, ya take your clothes out, hang 'em up in the closet...
Cloud: No, I mean about Tifa.
Barrett: What about her? You in love with her or somethin'?
Cloud: No, I... I... Am I?
Barrett: I 'unno.
Cloud: But this whole not talking to her thing, it's driving me crazy. Tifa's my best friend, apart from you, of course, I just wanna be able to talk to her and hang out with her like before.
Barrett: Well, why doncha?
Cloud: It's not that simple, Barrett. (sits up) I'm going to tell you something here, okay, and I don't want it to leave this room... ever.
Barrett: You mean about the fact that you and Tifa kissed? Yeah, I already know about that. Tifa told me all about it yesterday.
Cloud: She told you?!
Barrett: Yeah, it ain't supposed to be some kinda secret, is it?
Cloud: I don't think so, but still. It's not the kind of thing you want people to know. It just makes me wonder who else knows.
Barrett: Aeris.
Cloud: Aeris knows?!
Barrett: Probably. If I know Tifa, and I do, then she's probably tellin' her right now.
Cloud: Oh, God...
Barrett: Don't take it too bad though. Aeris ain't likely to blag it around, and Tifa don't have many other friends.
Cloud: (groans) I wish I'd never kissed her in the first place!
Barrett: Yeah, well, ya did. Let this be a lesson to ya.
Cloud: What lesson is that?
Barrett: Never kiss girls, I dunno. What am I, a teacher?
Cloud: It could be worse, I guess. At least we didn't sleep together.
Barrett: Bet ya wish ya had've done though, eh?
Cloud: Kinda. But that's not the point.
Barrett: Well, I'm off to the beach. Y'know, there's still time to make it up with Tifa. Why doncha come down with us?
Cloud: I'd rather be left alone, but thanks anyway.
Barrett: Please yourself. (leaves)
(Cut to the beach. Aeris is laying on a sun lounger. She's wearing a pair of sunglasses and a pink bikini. Barrett walks down the steps.)
Barrett: Where's Tifa?
Aeris: Trying to rebuild her friendship with Cloud.
Barrett: I knew she'd tell ya...
(Cut to the hotel, the boys' room. Cloud is flipping through the television channels.)
TV: Callin' one, callin' all! Come to Sephirothland! (Cloud changes the channel) Hello, and welcome to "Midgar's Funniest Home Videos." (Cloud changes the channel) The offspring of the bandersnatch rely on their mother to- (Cloud changes the channel) "Life at 7th Heaven" is sponsored by Chocoballs!
Cloud: Where the hell's the porno channel...? (the door knocks) Come on in, it's open! (Tifa walks in) Tifa?!
Tifa: I'll go, if you want...
Cloud: No, please, come in. (Tifa shuts the door) So, uh...
Tifa: Here we are.
Cloud: Here we are.
Tifa: (pause) Cloud, this is ridiculous. We haven't spoken to each other since...
Cloud: I know.
Tifa: I don't know about you, but I want things to go back to how they were.
Cloud: That's a coincidence, so do I.
Tifa: Then that's it then. We're friends again?
Cloud: Sure we are, Tifa. We always have been. But... don't you think we should discuss that... kiss?
Tifa: (sits down) I don't know. Do you... wanna talk about it?
Cloud: Not if you don't.
Tifa: Well, people are going to be disappointed if we don't.
Cloud: People? What people?
Tifa: You know, them. Aeris and Barrett.
Cloud: Oh, yeah. Tifa, I kissed you because...
Tifa: Yes?
Cloud: Because I...
Tifa: Yes? Go on.
Cloud: Because I... was drunk.
Tifa: ...drunk?
Cloud: Yep, drunk.
Tifa: Cloud, you'd only had two beers.
Cloud: Exactly. I was totally out of it.
Tifa: Right, if you say so. I guess that's valid.
Cloud: Certainly is.
Tifa: Okay, so we'll both agree to never mention it again, is that it?
Cloud: Yeah, that sounds like the thing to do.
Tifa: ...all right then, Cloud. It's forgotten.
Cloud: Great. I must say that's a real weight off my mind.
Tifa: Yeah, mine too.
Cloud: (gets up and holds out his hand) C'mon, Tifa, let's go catch some sun.
Tifa: Okay. (takes Cloud hand)
(Cut to the beach. A crowd has gathered down by the sea. Cloud and Tifa walk down the steps.)
Tifa: What's going on over there?
Cloud: I don't know...
Barrett: (standing with the crowd, waving) Cloud! Tifa! Get yo' asses over here! It's Aeris!
Cloud and Tifa: Aeris?! (they both run over to the crowd)
Cloud: What happened to Aeris?
Barrett: Take a look for yourself. (Aeris is laying on the sand, getting mouth-to-mouth from the life guard) She went out into the sea and started drownin' or somethin'. When the life guard pulled her out, she wasn't breathin' or anythin'.
Tifa: Oh my God!
Life Guard: No good, people. We've lost her.
Tifa: Nooo...
Barrett: Damn it to hell!
Cloud: ...and another one bites the dust.
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett walk in with their suitcases.)
Barrett: Man, what a vacation that turned out to be...
Tifa: I still can't believe Aeris is dead...
Cloud: Cheer up, Tifa. Aeris may be dead, but at least she went out knowing that you and me were talking again.
Tifa: Uh, no, she didn't, Cloud. She died before we properly made up.
Cloud: Oh, that makes a big difference then. (the phone rings and Barrett answers it)
Barrett: Yeah? 7th Heaven.
Ragtime Mouse: Barrett, the Ragtime Mouse here again. I've got another friend of yours here.
Barrett: #@$%^&* useless!
Ragtime Mouse: Stuttering Vivi.
Barrett: Stuttering Vivi?
Ragtime Mouse: He's stuck on a question too. He's got five hundred thousand gil-
Barrett: (sits down) #@$%^&* hell!
Ragtime Mouse: -and you could help him make it a million.
Barrett: Five hundred thousand gil?!
Ragtime Mouse: He's gone 50/50, he says there's just two possible answers. The next voice you'll hear is Stuttering Vivi. You've got thirty seconds from now.
Barrett: No pressure like, no pressure like.
Vivi: B-B-Barrett?
Barrett: Yeah? Yeah? We're all here. We're waitin'.
Vivi: V-V-Vivi here.
Barrett: Yeah.
Vivi: C-C-Can you help me?
Barrett: Yeah, we're waitin'. There's three of us here.
Vivi: W-W-What I want to know is...
Barrett: Well hurry up, Vivi, 'cause you've only got- (the line goes dead) -you #@$%^&* asshole!
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THE END__________
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