This story is a parody the book Twilight by Stephanie Meyer and the song Poker Face by Lady Gaga. It contains minor spoilers from Twilight as well. While this story does make fun of Twilight, I actually love the Twilight books, so no offence to Stephanie Meyer :)
Also, I really wrote this story like three months ago but I'm just transferring it over to my account :)
Angela and Jessica stared in disbelief as the shiny Volvo drove up to where they were standing, in front of a restaurant in the middle of Port Washington, and Bella stepped out. She ran over to them and squeaked "Oh my god! I'm on a date with Edward Cullen!!!!"
"I thought you were book-surfing," Angela asked after they shared a happy-dance.
"I was," replied Bella, "but then I stupidly walked into a deserted warehouse yard, nearly got raped and then he drove up and saved me!"
Edward finally got out of the car. "Hello ladies," he said in his velvety voice, "I was wondering if I could borrow Bella for dinner. You have eaten already, correct?"
Angela and Jessica crooned in delight that he was talking to them, unable to respond. After a while for them to reply, Edward and Bella left them on the doorstep and went into the restaurant. The moment the hostess saw Edward, they were seated and being attended to nearly instantaneously. When the hostess left, Bella sighed and flickered her eyelashes.
"Is there some item lodged in your ocular socket?" asked Edward.
"Baby, I thought you loved me! Why are you making that waitress jealous? Don't you love me?" squealed Bella.
"I-I wasn't," Edward replied, "I love you, not her. Was she even a girl? I couldn't tell."
"Um, like, whatever," Bella replied. "Let's order."
"I'm not hungr-" Edward started.
"OMG YOU MUST BE A VAMPIRE!" Bella screamed to the entire restaurant.
"You have amazing deduction skills," complemented Edward, trying to ignore the looks from the other patrons. "Did you know I can also read minds?"
"COOL! You totally have to read my mind! What am I thinking?"
"I can read minds.... except for yours."
"Huh. Some mind reader."
"I'm sorry if I offended you."
"It's okey-dokie-do-dah-day baby! Now, let's go make out in that booth over there!"
"Why don't we get to know each other first? What's are you good at?"
"Gettin' boys."
"You have no intellectual wishes?"
"Inna-what-ual mothers?"
Edward sighed. "I think I know why I can't read your mind. I don't think there's anything in there."
Bella's jaw dropped. "THAT WAS NOT COOL," she yelled before getting onto the table. She then started singing:
"Edward, thought you loved me, so why can't you see?
You were so adorable, I thought that we could be (Me and you)
Then you go and make comments that make me so not
Wanting to be with you because you are so mean
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh
You thought you had me but clearly we're not
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh,
You thought you had me but clearly we're not
Can't read my,
Can't read my,
No he can't read my mind.
Edward, you
Were too cute to be true.
Can't read my,
Can't read my,
No he can't read my mind.
Edward, you
Were too cute to be true."
Bella then jumped off the table and smacked Edward in the face, breaking her hand in the process.
"Uggggggh," Bella moaned, "Where am I?"
"You're in the hospital, honey," Edward replied.
"What happened?"
"You smacked me in the face, broke your hand and passed out."
"Why would I smack you in the face? You're the sweetest person I know."
"Oh, right, about that. You see, you were acting really stupid last night. It was all rather confusing until after the ambulance took you away, after which I saw that your brain was lying on the ground a few feet away from the car. It must've fallen out at some point."
"Oh, well, at least I'm all right now!"
"Not exactly," Edward sighed. "When you revealed to the entire restaurant that I was a vampire, you broke the most important rule of vampires and we will now be killed."
"You're a vampire?" Bella asked.
There was a loud noise.
Then, silence.
Okay, well, this is my first real piece of fanfiction. I don't think The Unlocked Staircase really counts and Chronos Kirby was.... odd.... so I don't think I'll ever post it. Anyway, if you liked this story, review! :D Plez? :)