Out of Order

Summary- Sam's vengeance on Jack after When Nature Calls, but you can still read this story without having read the first one. It's just funnier, if you've read the other one first. This one is slightly longer than the first one because it has to build up a little bit, but it's totally worth it. Also, there is some ship, but you have to read to the end. Hope you enjoy!

Rating- PG

Most of the SGC had heard of Jack's joke on Sam from Sg-1's previous mission. What everyone didn't know, but secretly prayed might happen was that Sam would seek retribution for Jack's temporary theft of her sanitary kit. Everyone knew that Colonel Jack O'Neill was the prankster on the base. Siler and Jonas seemed to be at the end of most of O'Neill's Jokes as of late, but many if not most of the staff of the SGC had experienced a 'Jack Joke' at one time or another. Even the General himself had gotten the privilege of having 'Go Lightly' camouflaged in his morning cup of joe. And the worst part about the 'Jack Jokes' was, that Jack was the only one that thought they were funny. Everyone else thought his jokes were rude, obnoxious, or extremely childish; which suited Jack just fine because he still got a kick out of his gags every single time. The Colonel did make sure however, that his jokes never put any of his personnel in danger, and he never tried to harm them in any way.

So when Sam started talking about ways to pay her CO back for his mischievous little prank, she was secretly bombarded with suggestions from just about everyone she knew on base. Even some that she didn't know well, were sending her their votes. Sam found suggestions in her mailbox, in her lab, in her e-mails, and even in her locker. None of them seemed to quite do the trick, so Sam bided her time. She was going to wait until some of the chatter died down before she worked out a plan of her own. What none of the other people on base knew though, was how her Colonel had apologized for what he'd done. And as far as anyone knew, Jack NEVER apologized for any of his pranks on anyone else. So was Sam the first one? She didn't know, but when the time was right, Sam would exact her justice properly, and she planned to gloat until her face fell off if necessary.

Two Weeks later........

"Wups, Sorry Airman, I didn't know that you were doing that today." Jack had gone to his quarters to use the head, but one of the enlisted guys from maintenance was doing God knows what to the plumbing in there. The Colonel was having plumbing problems of his own to contend with, so he just left his quarters without asking questions.

"I gotta start reading those damned memos. I didn't think they were supposed to do any maintenance without prior authorization." Jack said to the wall as he ran to find another bathroom.

He went down the hall to the main head on the officers' level. A sign on the door read 'Out of Order'.

Jack squeezed his eyes shut and opened them again as if to blink the sign away. Nope....still there. He tried the door.

"There are four urinals in here, and two stalls. Not all of the damned things can be broken at once." The door swung open easily enough, but what he saw inside made him groan out loud. There were three airmen in the head swabbing up about four inches of water from one end to the other.

"Sorry Colonel." One of the young Sergeants said humbly. "There was a pipe that burst over the weekend, and it's flooded. You'll have to use the one on the next level." The Airman went back to his cleaning duties.

"Yeah, fine, but up or down, Airman, could you be a little more specific?" Jack could feel his bladder screaming at him.

"Don't know Sir." The Airman was trying not to sound too annoyed, as he again tried to resume his work.

Jack figured his best bet would be to go up since he was only on level twenty-one, but he was so wound, he pushed the wrong button in the elevator. He ended up landing on twenty-two. Jack was not pleased. Sometimes his brain just forgot that the floors went from smaller number to higher the further down in the mountain they went. He blamed it on his bladder. He raced out of the elevator to the main head on his new floor.

The sign read 'Temporarily out of service. Use the one at the other end .' Jack let out a little squeak, and just stared at the sign. He tried the door. The Airman inside got O'Neill's impression of a goldfish, and just shrugged his shoulders.

"Sorry Colonel, the water's out from here on down the rest of the way. Some pipe burst or some damn thing, and I am supposed to stand in here in case anyone comes in. General Hammond says we've spent too much money from our budget this century already, and he would like to prevent any further unnecessary repairs. The one down the hall is open though, that's the one the maintenance shop uses.

Jack rolled his eyes and thought about the long walk to the other end of the corridor, verses the short one to the elevator and up two levels. He decided on the one at the end of the hall, and figured if he could just speed walk with his butt clenched really tight, he would make the trip fine. He turned on his heels to go.

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As soon as the coast was clear, the Airman still standing in the head pulled a radio from behind his back.

"Major Carter, this is Sergeant Fitzgerald, on level twenty-two. All clear Major, and he's on his way to the maintenance head at the end of the corridor. Fitzgerald out."

"Thank you for your help, Sergeant." Sam's voice came back over the radio.

From the security office on level sixteen, Carter, Jonas, Teal'c, Hammond, Siler, Janet, Davis, and just about anyone else who could fit, watched a very worried Jack O'Neill travel the halls of the SGC looking for a head that actually worked. At every head he came to, there was a different reason that they all were 'Out of Order', so Jack had to keep going.

"Okay, so I've got five dollars that says he doesn't make it all the way up here. He's totally buying it!!" Jonas was eager to see the Colonel sweat a little, and he knew everyone else would take the bait. Sure enough, anyone who could scrounge money from his or her pockets, including the General, threw it into a pot. Sam just sat with quiet satisfaction and watched the video screens.

"You do realize, that that money will be used to clean up the mess you've made out of those heads. But I've got to tell you, it will be totally worth it. I can't wait to see Jack's face... if he makes it up here that is. Let's see if he tries the rest of them." Hammond's bald head was glowing red with excitement. Who needed reality TV when they had their favorite Colonel on live security footage? Jack was currently trying the maintenance locker room at the end of the hall on level twenty-two.

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Jack twisted the knob on the maintenance locker door. There was no 'Out of Order' sign, but the door was locked, it didn't even budge.

"Oh.... my ... GOD!!" The gray-haired Colonel turned around and looked down the hallway. "Where the hell is everybody, I need someone to open this door!!!!" He yelled down the echoing, empty hallway.

"Anybody? Somebody?" Jack grimaced. He knew that he had to walk all the way back to the elevators and get up to level twenty. Everything above the leak should be fine. He started to move on his way.

Suddenly, his bladder almost decided to show him who was boss. Jack stopped in his tracks, and crossed his legs, looking around for any signs of anyone. He put both of his hands over his lap and stood that way until a young, female Lieutenant walked by him and did a double take.

"Sir, uh, are you all right? The woman said, trying desperately not to crack a grin.

"Yeah, Lieutenant, I am just swell. Oh.. You mean this.." Jack pointed to his crossed legs and hands in lap posture. "I ..uh.. Oh! Teal'c taught me how to do that Kelnoreem thing of his. Very helpful to be able to perform it anywhere, at anytime. You know, it's a Jaffa thing." Jack smiled his best 'I'm trying not to pee myself' look.

"Yes sir, okay, I'll leave you alone then." The Lieutenant played along perfectly. She wondered how Major Carter was doing up in the security office, and wondered if she had just seen the confrontation that had taken place between herself and Colonel O'Neill.

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The security office was roaring! Everyone watched as the Colonel tried to smooth-talk his way out of his compromising position in front of Lieutenant Miller. Even Teal'c was slightly more amused than usual at the plight of his otherwise fearless leader.

"I wonder why he didn't just ask her where the nearest operating head was? Janet asked out loud.

Davis joined in merrily. "Because then he would have to admit to her he lied about the Kelnoreem, and then he would have to put aside his ego and ask for help. And from where he stands (everyone laughed at Davis's gesture towards the screens) his bravado still appears to be bigger than his bladder. "What's the pot up to now?"

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Jack was finally able to loosen his legs enough to get walking to the elevators. His mind was so scrambled, all he could think about was having to pee, and ways to cope, if the insatiable feeling that he was going to wet his pants wouldn't go away again. Level twenty. Charging out of the doors, he ran to the head. Maybe that would help him relieve himself quicker. He got to the door. Yes!!!! No sign! Jack pushed the door to go in, but nothing happened.

"What the hell?... What? ....who did?.... where they?.... how can? HUH? stuttered Jack stupidly.

All of the sudden, a voice came over the intercom, and the alarms started going off to signify an off-world activation. Jack let out a whimper, and turned back towards the elevators.

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"Okay people, party's over, let's get to the control room." Hammond bellowed. "Major Carter, unless there are technical difficulties, you are not needed. You have my permission to remain here. In fact, I insist on it. Let us know how it turns out. We'll look at the rest of the tapes later. The rest of you people, let's get to the elevators first before the Colonel has a chance to call them down!" A silly, jest-like smile appeared on Hammond's face and he turned and bolted out the door for the elevators. The crowd behind him whistled and cheered as they followed on the SG Commander's heels in hot pursuit.

As the rest of the mob filtered out of the security office, Sam sat there with the one Technical Sergeant who was supposed to be on duty.

"When do you think he will figure it out Major?" The Sgt. asked politely.

"Not 'til I tell him!" Sam said with a soft smile. She got up to leave. I'll be in my lab okay? It will be suspicious if he tries the toilets on nineteen and they aren't open either. It'll be even more suspicious if I am not in my lab to give him a mouthful of really long, scientific words to distract him ." Save those tapes, so we can make copies, eh Sgt.?" Sam retreated out the door, and silently hoped that she could beat the Colonel to level nineteen.

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As it turns out, the Colonel had made it to nineteen already, but the heads and Carter's lab were in two different directions, and right now, Carter's lab was the last thing on his mind. Jack had to stop several times along the way to the level nineteen heads, and do his 'Kelnoreem'. By the time he reached them, Sam was already in her lab waiting.

Jack suddenly got a severe case of De Ja vu.

" Doh! Out of Order!?! What in the hell is wrong with this one?" He tried the door for old time's sake. It didn't budge. "Maybe Carter can cough up a key from something in her lab. I don't care if the toilet doesn't flush, if it's dark, or if I have to stand in a lake, I am going to pee. Well, I might be standing in a lake OF my pee if I don't hurry." Jack said cynically to the door. He left to go find his favorite 2IC...his only 2IC.

Sam was in her lab pretending to look busy. The Colonel would be here any second.

"Hey Carter, whatcha doing? Do you know why all of the heads are out of order today?" Jack was glad to be able to honestly vent to someone, but he still kept the tone of his voice subtle and nonchalant.

Sam stood up from her stool and took two heavy keys from her BDU pants pocket. She walked over to the Colonel, and gently reached for his hand. "Hold out your hand sir, I have present for you."

Jack was momentarily distracted by his Major's soft touch on his arm, and her big doe eyes staring at him.

"Whatcha got there Carter?" Jack was curiously trying to see what was in his Major's hand, bathroom privileges being suspended and all, he was glad for the distraction.

"Here Sir." Sam reached out, picked up the Colonel's hand, and with a slow, deliberate motion, began to pry open his fingers. She placed the keys in his palm, and closed the strong fingers around them. Suddenly, Jack began to understand, that his agony over the last forty-five minutes had come not from the 'Out of Order' signs, or the floods, or the locked doors. But that it had come from his being stupid to the one person he never should have been stupid to.

"Those are the master keys for the heads, sir, I figured I would give you the honor of going to all of them and getting them unlocked." Looking down at her CO's hand, Sam continued. "That (meaning the keys) is what you get for taking my sanitary kit."

Sam took two steps closer to Jack. He didn't know whether to glare at her, or hug her. His bladder re-awoke, and he winced. Jack guessed he had deserved it. He started to turn and go with the keys, and Sam tapped him on the shoulder; he turned back to her. Sam stood on her toes, leaned in, and lightly placed a delicate kiss on her Colonel's right cheek.

"And that, Colonel, is for taking everything else." The major whispered to the side of his face. She left him standing there doing his goldfish pose, and headed for the elevators.

Jack looked at the keys in his hand, and ran down the hall in the opposite direction to the nearest bathroom; the one with the sign on it. He unlocked the door, and did a mad dash for the nearest stall, unfastening his BDU's mid-stride. Jack never saw the women's sign, that was hidden under the one that read, 'Out of Order.' But the security cameras caught it all.

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finished! what did you think? I love everyone! I won't bite if you send a review!

(slides off chair from the drool)