A/N: So my 50th was Lucas' POV (What Began With Such a Promise), and I figured my 60th should be Peyton's POV/continuation of that story.
Timeline is S2-ish. I've changed a lot. Haley never leaves. Brooke and Peyton never really reconcile. There is no Jake. Everything else should be pretty clear.
Song is Matt Nathanson's. He is awesome.
----
| Let's all pack up and move this year
Slip the liars and disappear
Leave memories for auctioneers
And those just standing still |
It became a bit of a routine. Not every night. Not even every second night. Sometimes not even once a week.
But sometimes, she'd step through his bedroom door, and she'd curl into bed with him. He'd reach out for her if he was awake, and she'd curl up close to him if he was asleep. He'd wake in the morning with her slumbering next to him, and he'd kiss her temple delicately. She'd stir awake, and they'd make idle small talk. She'd tell him what had kept her up, and 90 per cent of the time, he knew she was lying.
She'd say there was a leaking faucet driving her crazy, or that her bedroom was too dark, or her bed felt too hard.
She never just said that she wanted to sleep next to him.
But she did. She always did. She only went every now and again because she didn't want to show him that she needed him.
She was too young to be thinking it, but she felt as though she wanted to spend every night, forever, laying next to him as he slept.
He was always so beautiful. Blonde, matted hair, and that half-smile he always wore in his sleep. His tee shirt would ride up, and he never - not even in the winter - pulled the sheets up to his chest. She'd see that strip of skin, and the steady rise and fall of his chest, and it was almost too much to bear.
She thought she might love him. But she couldn't love him. She couldn't.
In the middle of the school year, with the nights darker than dark and the days short, she pushed through his bedroom door, surprised, at close to 1:00 in the morning, to find Lucas laying awake with a candle burning, and a quiet singer/songwriter playing softly in the background.
"Hi," she whispered.
She almost didn't want to disturb him. She almost found it too peaceful to speak.
But there was something in the expression on his face that was telling her that something was wrong.
"Hi," he replied, looking over at her.
She was wearing just one of her tee shirts and a pair of black sweatpants. She dropped her keys on the table next to the bed, just where she always dropped them, and kicked off her flip flops. She sat on the edge of the bed and looked down at him, silently asking him to let her know what was bothering him.
"I was kind of hoping you'd come over tonight," he admitted softly, toying absently with the bottom of his tee shirt.
"I...couldn't sleep," she told him, shrugging one shoulder. The same answer she always gave.
"Keith's moving to Charleston," he said after a moment of silence. "Next week."
"Luke, I'm sorry," she said, shaking her head. She reached out for his hand, and he let her take it.
"He asked my mom to marry him."
"He...what?" she asked in confusion. She had no idea. The way he'd said it let her know that maybe he had no idea either.
"She said no. He's leaving because she broke his heart," Lucas stated with confidence, turning to face Peyton.
"But if she didn't know..."
"She knew," he said firmly. "She had to."
"Well...look at it from her side," Peyton said diplomatically. "I mean, if she doesn't love him back...what was she supposed to do?"
"I know," he whispered. "It just sucks."
"I'm sorry," she repeated. She lay down next to him, and he took a deep breath when she placed her hand over his chest. "I guess it's never easy when the one you love doesn't love you back."
"No," he echoed. "It's not."
And she wasn't sure they were talking about Keith and Karen anymore.
| They'll miss the taste of wanting you
Call out your name like I still do
But they never said a word that's true
And they only hold you down |
But if he still somehow thought she didn't love him, he was an even bigger fool than she assumed. She hadn't thought that in a long while, but she was starting to think it again.
"What are you gonna do?" she asked. She knew Lucas' relationship with Keith was irreplaceable. She knew it was affecting him even more than he was letting on.
"I dunno," he said, shrugging one shoulder. "I thought...I was thinking I might...go with him."
She pulled away from him like she'd just heard the most horrible thing in the world.
She might have.
"What?" she asked, her throat tight. She couldn't cry. She couldn't.
"Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing here," he admitted. "Nothing's the same, and...I don't know. Maybe going would be best for everyone."
"What about your mom?" she asked desperately. "She can't lose you and Keith, Lucas." He looked away from her, and she continued. "What about Haley? Or Nathan?"
"Peyton..."
"What about me?" she finished quietly. "What about me, Luke?"
"I don't...I mean, you don't need me," he said, as though it were an obvious thing. "This is as close as we ever get."
It was almost true. Sure, they all sat together at lunch, but he stayed away from all the parties, and she stayed away from the River Court, for the most part, and they never really ever spoke. She'd just slip into his bedroom in the night, and he'd hold her, and they'd sleep without anyone else knowing.
But for him to imply that it was close to nothing hurt her in a way she hadn't been prepared for.
"Is that how you really feel?" she asked quietly, sitting up and looking away from him.
"I...don't know," he answered honestly. "I feel like we're in this weird limbo phase, and...I don't know how we get out of it."
She pondered for a moment, wondering if it could be as simple as she thought it was. Could they just cross that invisible line and be more than they were, or was it really a hell of a lot more difficult than that? She honestly didn't know.
"Kiss me," she said quietly.
She still wasn't looking at him, and he still wasn't looking at her, and he was sure he wasn't hearing her properly.
All he'd wanted to do since he was 12 years old and sitting at the next table in the middle school, watching her pick at her fries and sip on a soda, was to kiss her.
All he'd wanted since she'd kissed him that first night at the Scott house was to kiss her.
All he'd wanted since she started sleeping in his bed every so often was to kiss her.
"Peyton," he said. Her eyes met his, and he thought his heart was going to stop.
Her heart was breaking. She'd given him 10 seconds. 10 seconds to just lean over and kiss her, or grab her and pull her on top of him. When those 10 seconds were up, she had her answer.
He wasn't going to kiss her, and he didn't want to kiss her, and she was just some girl he shared a bed with sometimes.
So she just got up, picked up her flip flops and her keys, and walked out the door without another word.
He didn't miss her wiping her cheek with her hand as she tugged the door closed.
| And this heartbreak world
It doesn't matter
With their tired talk of better days
And dreams they had but can't remember
Come on let's make this dream that's barely half awake come true |
She stopped going to sleep at his house.
He didn't want her to stop.
He wanted to kiss her.
He didn't move away.
They interacted as normally as they had been each time they were in a crowd, and no one thought there was anything wrong between the two of them. No one had known there was ever anything more to them than that, anyway.
They attended a party. Not together, of course. Not as friends. He didn't even know she was going, and she didn't care if he did. It was at the beach, and there was plenty of space for her to avoid him.
But after her first beer, she decided that avoiding him wasn't at all what she wanted to do. She wanted to make him jealous, and the guy she was talking to at that moment seemed to be doing the trick.
She saw Lucas out of the corner of her eye, sipping from a can of soda and watching her intently as she harmlessly flirted with the near perfect stranger. Brad, she thought his name was. He was cute. He wasn't perfect, but he was cute. He had short brown hair and brown eyes and he was clean shaven. She watched as Lucas turned so he was looking square at her, and she sent him a look that she hoped conveyed that she didn't care what he thought or what he saw.
Brad leaned in a little closer and told her that he thought she was the hottest girl at the party, and she tried to pretend she didn't realize that Lucas never would have said something so crass.
She laughed coyly and looked at that boy through her eyelashes, and she could have sworn that she saw Lucas clench his fist.
Brad went to refill her cup, and Lucas strode over to her, his jaw set and his posture straight.
"What are you doing?" he asked harshly.
"What?" She knew that would infuriate him. That was probably why she did it.
"You know what? Who is that guy?" he demanded.
"Brad. He's nice," she said, shrugging one shoulder.
"Does he even go to our school? Why are you talking to him?"
"Enough of the third degree, Lucas," she spat. "Stop it."
"You don't know what you're doing," he stated, placing one hand on his hip. "I'm not going to stand here and watch this."
"No one told you to," she said. "Now move, so I can enjoy myself."
He was fuming. He was angry, and he was biting the inside of his lip to keep from shouting at her, and she felt a sinister sense of almost relief, knowing that. Mission accomplished, she thought.
She glared at him until he shook his head and walked away, just in time for Brad to return with her beer.
She laughed at the stupid things he said that they both probably knew weren't funny, and she let him rest his hand on her hip, bringing himself closer to her when the music was turned up a little louder.
Lucas pretended he wasn't looking.
Then Brad slipped his hand into the back pocket of Peyton's jeans, and her hand came to rest on his chest, and Lucas couldn't take it anymore.
He marched over to his girl - the girl who was always his - and took her wrist, dragging her away from the boy everyone in the room knew she didn't want.
"What are you doing?" she asked sharply as he pushed her towards the door. "Let me go!"
"No," he insisted.
"Get off!" she said, jerking her wrist from his grasp once they were outside on the back porch of whoever's house they were at. "What the hell is your problem?"
"My problem?" he said with a bitter laugh. "My problem is you."
"You're being a jerk."
"Fine, then. I'm a jerk," he said, shaking his head. "Why are you doing this?"
"Acting like a normal teenager? Gee, I dunno, Luke. Maybe because I am one," she said.
"Okay, are you trying to be a bitch, or is it just coming to you really easily right now?" he asked, planting one hand on his hip.
"What do you want from me?" she asked, throwing her hands in the air. "We...we had our chance, Luke, and...it's over."
"You believe that?" he asked gently. It was the first time that evening that she even recognized him.
"I didn't, until you made it painfully clear," she admitted. "I don't even know...why we bother anymore."
"Because we have to, Peyton," he said, stepping closer to her.
He rest one hand on her waist, and all she could think was how different his touch was from that other guy's. He was gentle and loving, and somehow, his touch conveyed every last one of his emotions. She felt more than just his hand on her. She'd always adored that. It was no different in that moment.
"But...you didn't," she said. "You don't."
"Yes I do," he countered. Their eyes locked as the weight of the words set in, and she thought that just maybe they were finally on the same page.
"So kiss me," she said softly.
He merely closed his eyes for a moment and stepped closer, and his breath caught in his throat when he realized what he was about to finally do.
He pressed his lips to hers, and his free hand cupped her cheek.
And he could have sworn he tasted a tear.
| Let's move out of Los Angeles
Just drive until this summer gives
And forget the lies we use to live
'Cause we're gone |
"Why didn't you move?" she asked out of nowhere one day. They were laying on his bed, attempting to do homework while Karen worked at the café.
She had feeling she knew the answer. She wanted him to confirm it.
It was just a week after that party, and they'd kissed a handful (alright, a few handfuls) of times. They started out slowly, knowing that they didn't do it last time, and that they really should. She told him that it felt too big to rush, and he agreed, as long as she would still be seen with him.
And she didn't care about the stares. The glares they got from Brooke. The smiles from Nathan and Haley. The knowing glances from Karen.
But the looks he gave her? She cared about those.
She'd catch him looking at her on the quad when she was talking with someone else, or he'd be attempting to play at the River Court and he'd blame her for all his missed shots.
She'd watch him, too, but she'd be a little more discreet about it.
"Because," he said simply, not lowering his book.
"Luke. Tell me."
"No," he insisted, though it was hard to even use that word with her. The girl was damn persuasive. "I'm not saying it."
"Saying what?" she asked, rolling onto her stomach next to him and looking up at him with pleading eyes.
"No!" he insisted with a laugh. "It's embarrassing."
"I bet it's not. I bet it's sweet."
"Well, you can just keep thinking it's sweet," he said, finding his place on his page again.
She just lay there, looking at him, thinking it was adorable that he was pretending not to notice her looking. When she ducked her head beneath his arm and curled up alongside him, he just laughed and wrapped his arm around her shoulder.
The thing that he was quickly realizing was that she was absolutely addictive when she was happy. She was kind of cuddly, and she made different jokes, and while she was still stubborn and sarcastic and a little bit dark, there was just something about her that he couldn't get enough of.
"You," he said after a few moments, while she toyed with the fabric at the bottom of his tee shirt.
"Hmm?"
"You're why I didn't move away." She looked up at him and smiled, and he kissed her forehead. "But you already knew that."
"Yeah," she said softly, and they both laughed. "But I wanted you to say it."
"I know," he said, kissing her hair again.
He went back to his book, and she slipped out of his arms and went back to her math homework, and they stayed like that for a while, just quietly working. She loved that - even though all she wanted to do was just kiss him, 90 per cent of the time - they could just go about their separate tasks, but still be together. She loved that in the past week, he'd watched her draw, watched her 'model' the new cheer uniform she'd be wearing next year (and that wasn't something she'd had to beg him to do). They'd listened to her new albums for that week, and they'd sat at the café with the newlywed Nathan and Haley and sipped coffee and held hands beneath the table.
"We should do something fun this summer," he said once he finished his chapter and closed his book.
"Like what?" she asked distractedly.
"I don't know. Like a road trip or something."
"To where?"
"Who cares?" he asked, making her laugh.
"Okay," she almost whispered, moving up the bed to press her lips to his. "We've got a few weeks of school left to figure it out. If we're still together by then." He didn't laugh at her joke, and she thought he was upset. "What?"
"We're together now, right?" he asked nervously.
"What?" She wanted to laugh at his question, and she would have if she couldn't tell how serious he was.
"I mean...we're...What are we?"
"I'm just waiting for you to give it up, then I'm outta here," she teased, and he laughed and rolled his eyes. "Lucas, I kind of...want to be your girlfriend."
"Kind of?" he asked, squinting at her.
"You know what I mean."
"Okay. You're my girlfriend."
"Good," she whispered. "I've wanted to be your girlfriend for a long time."
"Sorry," he said quietly, brushing the hair from her face.
"It's not your fault," she told him. They both laughed. "Okay, it kind of was. But...that doesn't matter now."
"No, I guess not," he admitted, smiling at her.
She jumped up off the bed and headed for the door, and he was left gob-smacked at her sudden movement.
"Where are you going!?" he asked.
"Getting a map!" she shouted back. "We have a road trip to plan!"
He could only laugh. The girl who never really used to plan anything ahead of time was suddenly planning a trip that wouldn't happen for at least a month. A trip neither was sure they'd be even allowed to take. He definitely liked that he was the one who could make her look to the future just a little bit, even if it was just the summer.
She returned with a tattered old road map of the US, and Lucas asked what she was even doing with it. She just shrugged her shoulder and said she didn't really know, then started telling him a few places she thought they'd go.
He knew that they probably wouldn't go anywhere. They'd probably just stay in Tree Hill, save for a few day trips here or there. But he went along with her excitement because she was excited, and she was beautiful, and she was finally his.
| And this heartbreak world
Of just imagine
With its tired talk of better days
And this heartbreak world
Where nothing matters
Come on let's make this dream that's barely half awake come true |
Peyton walked into Lucas' bedroom after a particularly awful encounter with Brooke, and he could tell she was really trying not to cry. She'd called him and told him she was coming over, that she needed to just hang out with him after that.
"Hey," he said softly as she lay down on his bed next to him.
"Hi."
"You okay?" he asked, pressing a kiss to her hair.
"Yeah. I'm fine," she said. They both knew it was a lie. She loved that he didn't call her on it. "Not really."
"I'm sorry."
"It's...she's just so mad," she said. Her voice was small because she was willing herself not to cry. She couldn't help it though. "But what am I supposed to do?"
"I don't know," he admitted. He pulled her a little closer to him and she inhaled a deep breath. "You'd think she'd be over it."
"She doesn't think she can trust me." A tear fell from her eye onto his tee shirt, leaving a dark blue spot on the light blue cotton. "I can't do anything about it. And now she's leaving for L.A. and...She'll just come back and..."
"What?" he asked encouragingly.
"She won't even remember."
"Yes, she will," he reassured her. "You're an impossible girl to forget."
It was things like that, that had her falling in love with him so fast. She had quickly realized that what she thought was love, well, it may have been. But it was just growing and growing the more time they spent together, and the more statements like that he made.
"She doesn't think so," Peyton said, wiping her eye with the back of her hand. "She said she wishes we were never friends."
"She doesn't mean it."
"Maybe," she whispered.
"Hey," he said, tipping up her chin with his index finger. "It'll be okay."
She nodded her head and kissed him gently before settling back into his side again. She slipped her hand beneath his tee shirt to rest on his stomach that way she loved to do, and she took another deep breath, but that one was in contentment.
"You're the only one who can convince me of that, you know," she told him. He let out a soft laugh, and she relished the feeling beneath her cheek.
"That's why you're dating me," he joked. But maybe it wasn't really a joke.
"Mmm. And you're a really good kisser."
"Oh yeah?" he asked, smiling at her as she pulled away to look at him.
"Well..." she said, rolling her eyes like she needed convincing.
So he'd convince her. He moved them so she was on her back and he was hovering over her, and he smirked at the way she was biting her bottom lip and the way she had both hands under his tee shirt at the small of his back. He loved the little noise she let out when he pressed his lips to hers.
They hadn't slept together. The whole 'taking it slow' thing was a great idea. Neither would argue. Peyton said she'd rushed things with Nathan, and Lucas said he'd rushed things with Brooke, and both those relationships weren't nearly as good as they could have been (not that they were right at all, they were each quick to point out). She loved that he'd only been with one other girl and she'd only been with one other boy. She didn't love that the other girl was her best friend. He'd just argued and said he didn't love that the other guy was his brother. He had her there.
But they each wanted that moment to be special. They weren't sure what they wanted specifically. Nothing cliché; nothing planned out. They just agreed they'd know that moment when it happened. Peyton felt like they were getting pretty close.
If she was being honest, she kind of wanted him to say he loved her before any of that. She was pretty sure he felt it.
He'd just slid his hand beneath her shirt when the door was pushed open, and they were very rudely interrupted.
"Whoa. Sorry...I...At least you're clothed."
"Keith," Lucas said, almost laughing, though there was really nothing funny about it. "What are you doing here?"
"Interrupting?" Keith suggested, making Peyton laugh from beneath her boyfriend. "Summer vacation. Teachers don't work. I just came to town for the weekend to check up on you." He took in Peyton's flushed face as Lucas moved to sit at the edge of the bed. "Good timing, apparently."
"Bad timing," Lucas mumbled. Peyton took one of those long legs and kicked at his behind, and they all had a laugh.
"Nothing would have happened anyway," she insisted seriously. They all knew she wasn't lying.
That wasn't their moment.
She stood from the bed and walked over to give Keith a quick hug. They'd grown kind of close since she and Lucas started dating. With Karen gone to New Zealand for the summer, Keith had agreed to come around often to make sure everything with Lucas, and that the house and the café were alright.
"I'll leave you guys to catch up. Call me later, Luke," she requested.
She gave him a high five before leaving the room and closing the door behind her, and Lucas just shook his head as Keith laughed. She did love to high five. More often than not, she'd greet him that way if they were in public. He kind of loved that about her. She was different from absolutely everyone.
He had always been in love with her.
| And this heartbreak world
Of just imagine
With its tired talk of better days
And this heartbreak world
Where nothing matters
Come on let's make the dream that's barely half awake come true |
It was the middle of the summer when she walked into his bedroom in the middle of the night in one of his tee shirts and a pair of sweatpants. He woke as soon as he heard the noise on the porch, and he was sitting up, looking at the door when she pushed it open. She didn't say anything as she crawled into bed next to him, and he was a little scared.
"It's too dark at my house," she said, and he laughed a sleepy laugh. "Not funny. I got freaked out."
"It's not dark here?"
"You're here. It's different."
"Why?" he asked, stroking her hair away from her face.
"Because I love you."
She answered without thinking or skipping a beat. She didn't consider that he didn't love her or that he didn't want to hear the words or that he wouldn't say them back. She hadn't thought of any of that.
She realized none of it mattered. She felt it, and she wanted to say it, and she didn't want to pretend that she didn't want to feel it or say it.
So she said it.
"I love you, too."
And he said it back.
| And this heartbreak world
With tired talk
And this heartbreak world
Where nothing matters
Come on let's make this dream that's barely half awake
Come on let's make this dream that's barely half awake come true |
The first day of senior year felt different. More grown up. Close to the end. Or the beginning. Close to real life. Far from the rest of their lives, but the road that was leading them there.
"You ready?" she asked as she held his hand. She saw Brooke talking to Haley and Nathan, and she wasn't sure how this was all going to go.
The brunette had blown back into town days earlier, and the first person she'd sought out was Peyton. She said that she missed her, and that she was sorry for the things she'd said, and that they should try to rebuild their relationship if Peyton wanted to. Of course Peyton wanted to.
But Brooke hadn't yet seen Peyton and Lucas together, and given their history, Peyton wasn't sure how that would be received. If she was being honest, she may not have been so heartbroken if Brooke hadn't wanted to get their friendship back.
She had Lucas. Lucas had always been enough. He'd been enough all summer, and a lot of time before then, even, and if no one else even talked to them all year long, she probably wouldn't have cared. They'd spent their entire summer alone together, and save for the odd argument (or all out fight) they had been just fine existing alone together in their little town.
"Are you?"
He draped his arm around her shoulder and they started walking towards their friends, and all she could think was that she really was ready. For anything.
She leaned up and kissed his cheek unapologetically, because she loved him, and he was hers, and she had nothing to apologize for anyway.
-Fin-