DON'T LET GIR BUY YOU A SODA
BY NUTZY MEGAN AND MEEPER
We don't own Invader Zim, the wonderful Jhonen Vasquez does, and we own nothing as well.
Well, here goes something,
It was like any other day as Zim stepped out of the Skool building. He seemed pretty happy to be out of Ms. Bitters' class for the weekend. He didn't expect the next two days to be out of the ordinary, like they were.
As Zim was walking home, Gir was deep in Zim's labs. He was on the Irken Internet.
Then Gir saw something on the screen, it was a vile of liquid, the description read:
Female Irken Sexual Pheromone Filled Saliva; for those male Irkens that just can't get any lovin'! Just put two drops on your head and WHAM! You'll get a fun filled night, Guaranteed.
WARNING: only put TWO drops per use. Never put directly on antenna.
Gir looked at this, of coarse, he didn't understand what it meant, he thought it was a soda, so he ordered it.
Zim walked up to his base and noticed the parcel barreling down on him from the sky and tried to get out of the way, but it hit him, every thing went black...
Gir saw his 'soda' was there along with an unconscious master, so he took both inside the base.
He took Zim's wig off along with his contact lenses. Gir opened the box and took out the vile, the little robot looked at his 'soda' and looked at his master. Gir did what he thought was the best thing to revive Zim. He pulled the rubber cork out of the vile and poured the contents on his master's head.
Less than a nanosecond later, Zim's eyes were very open and he had the biggest grin on his face. Zim twitched his antenna, they were saturated, he was trying to pick up on a female. He got the closest one. He jumped into his voot runner and followed the sent of a sex craving female.
He turned on the radio and still got human stations, David Bowie's "young Americans" played, Zim sang along, but said Irkens instead of Americans.
He was almost at the source of the smell when it got intersected by another male Irken's stink. This got Zim really angry, he wanted to mate, and he wanted to mate NOW!
Then, he picked up on an other female, and she was close! He found her and went into the hypnotic, 5 minute trance all males go through before mating. Unfortunately, she didn't like his height and slapped him, thus, he was thrown out of the trance, he was rejected to mate. That made the incredibly horny Zim really p.o.'ed.
Zim, all the sudden, picked up on an other female, he found her and went into the 5 minute trance.
"My name is Wak," she said as Zim stared,"what is your name?"
"I'm, Zim," he said hypnotically.
Wak's eyes bulged. "The Zim? The Irken that almost destroyed Irk?" Wak questioned.
"Yes..." Zim weakly replied.
Wak grabbed her battle ax. She swung it at him. Just that instant, the 5 minutes were up. Zim grinned happily and walked toward Wak. She swung the ax back and forth, "GET AWAY!" she screamed. She got close to slicing one of his antenna off, but the sharp blade didn't seem to scare the turned on Irken.
Wak ran as fast as she could to her voot runner. She got in and flew off. Zim didn't give up that easily, he hopped into his voot as well, "I can't get no satisfaction" was on the radio.
They chased each other in their voot runners. Wak was chasing Zim because she wanted to kill him, and Zim was chasing Wak because he wanted some action. Wak fired at Zim, Zim fired at Wak. They both went falling to one of the moons of Hateria, the hat planet.
They crashed, but were not hurt. Wak got out of the wreckage, she shook her fist at Zim, who had just got out of his mangled bits of voot runner. He had one of those Gir like looks on his face, except he looked more happy than Gir.
"LOOK WHAT YOU DID!" Wak yelled to Zim, "NOW I HAVE TO RIP YOUR SQUEEDELYSMOOCH OUT WITH THIS SPORK!" she held up a black spork with blood crusted on it.
Zim ran full speed toward Wak. Wak stood there in astonishment for a second or two, no male had ever been brave enough to face the spork, maybe he wasn't that bad, Wak shook her head, "no!" she said to herself, "I'm not mating with him." Wak noticed that if she didn't move soon, Zim would defiantly mate with her, he was only about 30 feet away, and getting closer. Wak ran for her virginity.
And the chase was on, Wak hid behind a wall of rock. "Wak! Is that you?"
Wak turned, " MEZ?! What are you doing here?" Wak exclaimed.
"My crazy uncle lives here," Mez said, "he says he grows snack foods, yeah."
Wak grabbed Mez by her caller. "Mez! Do you remember that one male Irken who almost destroyed Irk?" Wak asked.
"Yeah! His name was Zim, I think." Mez replied.
"Well," Wak started, "Earlier, I was sending out a sex pheromone and the first male to respond was nun other than Zim, and I didn't slap him out of the trance, now he's looking for me, and he is serious about this! HELP ME!"
"Hmmmm," Mez mused, "I KNOW!" She whispered her plan to Wak. Wak nodded in approval.
Wak and Mez got into Zim's veiw. "Well, two is better than one," Zim thought. Zim ran full speed to the two female Irkens.
"NOW!" screeched Mez. Wak ran to the left, Mez ran to the right. Zim stopped between the two, one of his antenna stretched to the left, and the other went to the right. His antenna extended so violently, Zim fell to his knees and yelped in pain as he held the two appendages on his head.
"Yes! It's working!" Wak happily said.
"MEZ!" yelled a voice, "These snacks aren't gonna plant themselves!"
"Oh no! It's Uncle Ziff! I've gotta go! Sorry Wak." Mez was gone in he blink of an eye.
Zim's antenna were now both pointed at Wak. Zim got up with a smile on his face, more insane and naughty then ever. Wak looked for her spork, "Oh no," she uttered, she had dropped it. Zim slowly came closer. Wak felt like some one had poured cement on her feet. Zim came so close, she could feel his warm breath against her skin.
"Are you ready?" Zim softly asked Wak. Wak's eyes bulged. Zim extended his spider legs and hung suspended above Wak. She put her hands behind her back and pulled out her battle ax. She swung it at Zim's robotic legs, thus, amputating them. Zim fell and hit the ground with a thud. Wak made a run for it as Zim was getting up.
Zim chased Wak once again. "You might think I'm crazy" played on the only part of Zim's voot cruiser that wasn't destroyed.
Wak's ax was slowing her down, so she threw it back. Wak kept running, then she turned around and saw that Zim wasn't following her, the ax had pined the back of his uniform to the ground. He was viciously pulling at the weapon to free himself. Wak went up to Zim and watched his pitiful attempts at escaping. "Oh how the tables have turned, dear Zim," Wak said to the male Irken.
Zim pulled and pulled at the ax, Wak laughed. "How pathetic!" she smirked. Zim's voot radio played Mick Jagger's "Sex Drive"
The pinned down Irken was on all fours, crawling toward the on looking female. Then there was a loud RIP! The only piece of Zim left under the ax blade was a section of an Irken invader's uniform. The rest of Zim was trying to coax Wak from a pile of rocks she was at the top of. Wak looked around frantically for an idea. She saw Zim trying to get her down with a cup cake, Mez dumping some nachos into a hole in the ground, and her wrecked voot cruiser. "Wait a minute!" Wak thought, "Bir!"
Wak took a deep breath of air and screamed "BIIIIIIIR!" That instant a sir, wearing a demon suit, jumped out of the scrap metal that once was a voot runner.
"What do yoo need!" the robot said happily.
"ATTACK THAT IRKEN!" Wak yelled while pointing at Zim. Bir's eyes went red and two metal fangs popped out of the roof of the robot's mouth. "BITE HIS HEAD!" Wak commanded.
Bir grinned evilly, advancing on Zim with murderous glee. Zim, with his sex craving mind, saw the sir unit as a rival male. No other Irken was getting his female! Not even one in a costume! Growling like a rapid dog, the horny male threw himself at Bir, the bat like sir unit taken completely by surprise. Wak, seizing the opportunity, tried to activate her own spider legs, but with a few sparks and a weird SPITKEE! Noise, the pak backfired, just as Zim defeated Bir, throwing him to the side.
"You know," Zim said to Wak, "playing hard to get is a real turn on." Wak shuddered at that remark.
Wak had no defenses, no ax, no spork, no Bir, no spider legs even, she had nothing to protect herself from Zim. Zim put his face close to Wak's. "The time has come," Zim cooed.
"I guess it has," Wak said to Zim softly. Wak smiled, which was something she never did. Wak violently shook her head, but the thought of her mating with Zim wouldn't get out of her mind. Wak glanced at Zim, who had already taken off the main part of his uniform, he stood there in a black shirt and pants, grinning at Wak.
Wak found herself stripping of the dress like part of her suit as well, her brain didn't want to undress, but her arms seemed to be thinking on their own. Wak looked down at the crimson pants and shirt she was wearing and blushed. Zim embraced Wak and kissed her on her non existent lips. "Yes," Wak murmured, "Wait, no!" Zim lovingly stared into Wak's deep, silver eyes. "Never mind," Wak said hypnotically.
Zim and Wak walked over to Zim's destroyed voot runner, Zim pressed a button on what was the dash board. Just that instant, the voot cruiser reformed itself, like it had never crashed. "come," Zim said as he took Wak's hand. They both got into the voot.
Zim took his shirt off, revealing his pale lime green chest. Zim embraced Wak once again, but he tilted his head up and licked one of Wak's antenna. Wak's eyes bulged, for the pheromones in Zim's saliva gave her a sudden jolt of the instinct to mate. As a reply, Wak licked one of Zim's antenna. He grinned, more happy than ever, Wak accepted to mate with him.
Wak took her shirt off. Soon after, came their pants, then, what ever the Irken equivalent to under wear is. They both stared at each other, both in their naked glory. Zim made the first move.
The voot runner's wind shield steamed up quickly, a single Irken hand print in the fogged window.
Outside, about 20 feet away, sat crazy Uncle Ziff, in a lawn chair, with a bowl of popcorn , watching this spectator's sport. "Hee, hee, hee!" Ziff laughed as he watched the two Irkens go at it.
After about an hour and a half, Ziff got tired of watching Zim and Wak have sex, so he packed up his junk and went home. But that didn't stop the two Irkens. Ricky Martain's "She Bangs" played on the radio.
A few miles away, the corpse of Bir stirred, the various pieces of the s.i.r. Unit started to form back together, flying back into place from magnets in the small s.i.r's components. The little Bir's eyes opened. "Cheesy puffs make my head hurt," he quipped, sitting up. "Master?" he sniffed, picking up Wak's scent, a mixture of metal polish and old Taco Smell salsa. Bir's fangs popped out again when the s.i.r smelled Zim's scent as well, and went tearing off to save his master.
He found the voot runner, he couldn't see what was happening, but he could hear what he thought were screams of pain, like his master was being tortured.
Bir pushed up the wind shield and saw Zim and his master on top of each other, naked. "Huh? Bir!" Wak gasped, "now's not the time!"
"I must protect my master!" Bir screeched as he jumped at Zim, who was on top of Wak. Now, if there's one thing you need to know, it's never interrupt two mating Irkens. Zim growled like he did when Bir and him had first met, but it was more like a rapid baboon this time.
Zim jumped out of the way, but got a huge slash down his whole back from Bir's fangs. Zim touched the wound on his back, he gasped when he saw the great amount of blood on his hand. Zim stood up, blood dripping down his back. He pounced at Bir, ripping the s.i.r to pieces, but remembering to take the magnets out this time. He stuffed the magnets into the glove compartment as his PAK closed the cut. "So," Zim said to Wak, "where were we?" Zim and Wak went back their previous activities.
"Darn," said a male Irken with bluish teal eyes, "they should call this moon Crashnburn." he thought as he climbed out of his wrecked voot cruiser, He walked a bit until he stepped on something that crunched under his boot. "GREAT GHOST OF DOOKY!" he shrieked as he picked up the smashed plastic. "Wak's spork! I hope nothing bad has happened to my best friend."
Oh, but it was quite the opposite, Wak was really enjoying Zim's company.
Tez gulped, thinking fearfully about what kind of Irken or other monster could take down the ax wielding Wak, much less make her drop her favorite decapitating spork! He considered going back to Uncle Ziff, but tore off through the underbrush, teal eyes wide with worry for his friend.
He finally found the battered remains of Bir. Tez bent, picking up the s.i.r unit's halved head, held together by a few wires, a tooth pick, and something that looked a lot like Bill Clinton's impeachment form. "By the dookiest Tallests," he breathed, watching as a rubber duckie fell out of Bir's neck, along with a wind-up cooking timer and extra pieces of double mint gum. Putting the unit down with respect, Tez went back to looking for Wak, his worst fears seeming to have been confirmed.
An hour later, he found a quivering voot runner. Something really bad must be happening in there. Tez took his bread knife of DOOM out of his pak, putting his back to a bolder. He ran over to the voot cruiser and tried to look through the fogged window. "Are they doing what I think their doing?" Tez asked no one in particular, "Yes! They are! That monster is killing Wak! I must save her!"
Tez opened the entrance to the voot, only to see what was really going on. Tez ran away screaming like a man on fire. He ran about a half a mile until he stopped.
"Ok," he said to himself, "Wak wasn't being tortured, she was having sex?!" Tez hit himself in the head with the handle of his bread knife, trying to get the mental image out of his brain. When that didn't work, he took a bag of Irken hot fries out of his pak, eating them quickly, hoping the snack would take his mind off of what he saw. "Wait," Tez said after swallowing a mouth full of fries, " who was she doing any who? I must know!" He walked back to the voot runner, being careful so he wouldn't suffer the same fate as Bir.
He stuck his head against the fogged window, wiping the fog away to clear up a spot for him to see through. Tez turned to the side and coughed at the site of the two Irkens going at it (clocked in at about 4½ hours). Keeping a hand over his mouth to keep from puking his hot fries, Tez looked back inside, squinting to identify the Irken on top. Tez's eyes bulged, he fell of the voot cruiser's nose and fell twitching to the forest floor, having a spasm from the sheer shock.
Pur appeared out of a bush, looking at his twitching master and started poking him with a stick. "Cheesy nacho filled spam?" he said, trying to get his master to respond. Whipping out a orange soda, the s.i.r unit dropped the stick and poured it on Tez's right open eye.
The screaming even startled the two mating Irkens, and they made a mutual agreement to get the other to scream louder than who was ever shouting outside.
Tez ran around in circles, hands over his eyes with orange soda dripping from between his fingers. Pur grinned that his master was up and about again, "fwee!"
Tez wiped the remaining orange soft drink out of his eyes, "Why would you spray me with soda?"
"Because it's cool," said Pur, grinning dumbly.
"Do you know who was in the ship with Wak?" said Tez, slightly angered by his robot's stupidity.
"No," said Pur.
"ZIM!" screamed Tez, " the same irken that almost destroyed IrK! Why would she ever want him?"
"Maybe she likes him!" Pur screamed in his usual happy form.
"But that's not like Wak!" Tez shrieked to his s.i.r, "I have to do what I was going to do before I ran away screaming! I must save Wak!"
He sat down behind a bolder, starting to tap his temple with his knife handle. "I've got to stop this some how, because she's my friend," An image entered his head, and he shook it violently, "Nothing more than a friend though!" He thought, going back to formulating a plan. "What if she gets. . ."
1½ Days Later. . .
Tez was still tapping his head, trying to think. "Uh, Tez? What are you doing here?" Tez jumped about a foot in the air at Wak's voice, whirling around then wailing in despair, "Great Ghost of dooky! I'm to laaattteee!"\
3 Weeks Later. . .
Zim sat in his labs, the pheromones completely gone. He was working of a plan to destroy Dib and take over the Earth, when his computer's voice hummed, "Incoming message."
"Computer!" Zim commanded, "Play the message on the big screen."
The computer obeyed.
"Hi!" said a familiar voice. Zim gasped, it was Wak.
"Um, hi," he said shyly.
"Zim!" Wak gleefully sang, "I'm going to have a smeet! And guess who the father is!"
Zim's eye's bulged. That instant, he hit the tiled floor of his lab, passed out.
"Zim? Are you there?" Wak asked the fainted Irken.
THE END . . . for now. . .
pweeze R+R! Wait for the next story, Look Whose Dooming!, it's already written, just not typed, and make sure to read Meeper's story At Our Worst, it may no seem it, but it has a lot to do with this story, it's the 4th story in this series, this is the first story, if it wasn't already obvious to you.