It wasn't the right tie. No, it was the right tie. Or wasn't it? The thoughts kept flipping back and forth in Barney's mind, a product of the pre-wedding jitters he was experiencing rapidly. It was the only tie he brought in accordance to his marital suit, which he realized in hindsight was probably the biggest mistake he'd ever made.
He continued to stare at himself in the mirror over and over again until it looked right, but it never did.
Slowly but surely, the nerves taking full control, the facial tic he often exhibited when anxious began to show- that common, twitchiness in his eyes that usually only occurred pre-slap.
"I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!" he finally screamed.
"What's wrong?" Ted, Marshall, and Lily all burst through the door in unison, knowing that Barney was having yet another freak out.
"It's- it's the tie!" he cried, literally starting to cry. "I can't do this tie, guys! It doesn't look right, I need the cornflower blue one or I'm going to go insane!" He dramatically heaved himself onto the couch, face down, and sobbed a little.
The other three exchanged glances.
"It's fine, guys," Ted told them. "Teddy's got this."
"Translation- Teddy does not got this," Lily remarked.
Calmly, Ted sat down next to the hysterical Barney, sympathetically patting him on the back. "Look, it's just a tie," he started off- literally the worst conversation starter one could use when talking to Barney.
Barney lifted his head and stopped crying temporarily. "Just a TIE?" he exclaimed. "Ted, how dare you!"
"And I screwed it up," Ted stated dryly.
"In all my years of knowing you, Ted, I honestly expect and, dare I say it, should get better from you," Barney continued to rant. "Just a tie, huh? That's like saying it's just air, Ted. It's just water. It's just the last delicious, singular pickle at the bottom of the burger basket. A tie, my friend, is never just a tie." Barney stood up and went back to gaze at himself in the mirror once more, still in hopes that the tie looked right.
Ted rolled his eyes. "Alright, let me rephrase that- it's not just a tie."
"Thank you!"
"However, you don't need to get so worked up over it, this tie works just fine, I promise."
"Yeah, that's what you think!" Barney ranted. "Til they see you walking down the aisle with it and you looked like you just picked yourself up after ya got hit in the fashion sense ten times! Seriously, Ted. Logic."
"Mosby, let me handle this," Lily said, approaching Barney. "Clearly you're not getting through to the boy, mama's gotta talk him through."
"Um, yeah, you think that I, as his best man, am going to just step down from aiding him in this difficult time?" Ted responded cockily. "Yeah, nuh-uh. Man, I hope there's a teacher at this place, 'cuz Lily needs to get schooled, am I right?"
"Sorry buddy, but no, I actually kinda see her point," Marshall said seriously, as Ted showed great disappointment on his face.
"Barney, sit," Lily commanded, and he did. As soon as he did, Lily smacked him across the face, not very hard but not lightly either.
"Lily!" he whined, cupping his cheek. "Why?"
"Because you are absolutely out of your mind right now, that's why!" Lily exclaimed. "I don't care what you said about how it's not just a tie, it is just a tie, and it's not a big freakin' deal!"
Barney was quiet for a few minutes. "Okay, Lily, ya obviously don't see the severity of all this. Let me start again- it's not just a tie. It's a bro's second most noticeable article of clothing, and-"
Lily sighed in disgust and got up. "I can't believe this," she said, putting her hand on her forehead.
"Lily! It's more than just a tie, okay?" Barney said. "Robin said that the cornflower blue one brought out my eyes, this color does not, and ever since the proposal, I vowed to myself that I would look 100% when this day comes, and right now, I barely look an 83%."
"Then why didn't you pick the cornflower blue one?" Lily nearly yelled at him, becoming more exasperated each second.
"I don't know, it was rash decision making on my part, just- just- okay?" Barney retorted. "The point is, I can't walk down that aisle 'til I'm dressed to impressed, not half-dead like Ted!" He gestured to Ted, who responded with, "How dare you!"
"Buddy, I promise, the tie's the least of the wedding formals," Marshall said reassuringly. "When I got married to Lily, I shaved half of my head and was debating wearing one of those wacky hot dog-shaped hats, but everything worked out, and, to make things even better, Lily actually bought me a hot dog-shaped hat on our honeymoon."
"If you didn't have one at the wedding, then how were you debating wearing one?" Ted questioned.
"Oh, there was a guy wearing one there, I think his name was Stevio," Marshall responded. "I was gonna borrow it. And possibly never give it back."
Ted nodded, then turned his attention back to Barney.
"See? The tie's not so bad!"
Barney seemed to calm for a few minutes. He stood up and walked over to the mirror once again, as Ted, Marshall, and Lily hoped they'd convinced him after all. Then..
"I CAN'T DO THIS TIE!" The unexpected happened, and out of likely pure panic, Barney, using every ounce of strength in his body, tore the tie in half, and the other three screamed collectively, as did he, much like when Marshall shaved his head all over again.
Once the scene was over, Barney was panting, the rage veins bulging in his neck, looking just a little crazed, and the others with pure horror on their faces.
"Barney…" Ted breathed out. "Y-you just-"
Barney looked down at the torn remains in his hands. "Huh, you're right, I guess that happened," he said, eerily nonchalant. "Wait! Now I don't have to wear this tie! I freed myself from the stress of it all!"
"Well, now you have to find another one," Marshall stated.
Barney's face lit up with a maniacal deviousness. "Exactly! I can't wear this one anymore! Now I gotta find one that's better! Man, that was a great idea."
"I don't like this," Lily said worriedly, slowly shaking her head.
"Me either," Marshall replied.
Barney made his way toward the door. "I'll see you guys at the wedding!" he said before disappearing.
"Wait, Barney!" Ted was about to run after him, but Lily stopped him.
"Let him go, Ted. Clearly he's out of his mind right now, sometimes that happens right before a wedding, but…let him get it out of the way now, and he should come back fine. And besides, Robin will understand, right?"
"You LET BARNEY RUN AWAY TO LOOK FOR ANOTHER TIE?!" Robin screamed, literally, at Ted.
"She doesn't understand," Marshall said flatly.
"Well, you can blame Lily for that, it wasn't my fault!" Ted defended. "She said to 'let him get it out of the way now', what was I supposed to do?"
"I don't know, not let him run out the doors?" Robin responded.
Ted was quiet for a few minutes. "Okay, but besides the obvious."
Robin put her hand over her face and sighed. "He's not gonna come back, Ted. Trust me, I know the guy, better than anyone, and when Barney runs away, he's gone. Kaboom. The only trace he'll leave is a tie. And probably his pants. And probably his whole entire suit, come to think of it, he's been charged for streaking on more than one occasion."
Lily sat down next to her, comfortingly putting her hand on Robin's shoulder. "Look, Barney's gonna come back. I guarantee it. I'm telling you guys, as soon as he finds another tie, or, or even if he thinks he finds one that's good enough, he's gonna come back here. When you really love somebody, you don't just run away from them, no matter how scared you are. And Barney, he really loves you, or he wouldn't be going on this big, crazy tie search just twenty three minutes before the wedding!"
Robin looked at Lily, smiling a little. Lily continued. "He wants to look good, Robin, for you, and he doesn't care how crazy he's acting."
"Well, I appreciate it, but I hope he shows up," she said, pushing the hair out of her face. "And he'd better be getting that tie soon."
Barney was rapidly racing around to everyone he could get to, examining the ties o those who were wearing them, then turning away disappointedly. No one, it seemed, was even wearing anything close to a blue tie.
Frustrated, he continued walking, until he found himself out of the church altogether. The sun was shining bright in the sky that day, almost blindingly so, and it was abnormally warm out, seemingly too warm for this time of year.
The inn was only a few miles away, therefore so was the beach, so eventually, he got to wandering enough that he ended up not far from there. The reason he was wandering was obviously in hopes of finding some kind of place that sold ties for his last minute needs, but that just seemed so unlikely here in Farhampton, this small town built on the coast of the Atlantic, that really barely had any shops at all.
The next thing he knew, he was on the beach, aware of this when he felt the grainy, sinking feeling of the sand underneath him. He turned, looking back at how far he'd walked. Exhausted and overheated, he sat down on the sand to rest. Why is finding another tie so hard? he thought to himself. And what am I thinking? I'm gonna ruin my pants with this stuff! he shot up, quickly dusting the sand off his pants.
When he stood up, he looked ahead of him, squinting in the sunlight. Was that-? No, it had to be the heat making him hallucinate. Or was it?
(Kids, for the sake of this story, I'm gonna go ahead and say this happened, because to this day, that's what Barney insists on telling me. And who knows? Maybe he's right. Or maybe not. Barney's probably not right.)
He walked a little closer, and there, right in the middle of the beach, glowing heavenly in the sunlight, was- a tie stand! He sprinted to it and browsed a little. Black, grey, dark red, still no blue.
"Excuse me," he said to the man working there. "Do you… have any blue ties? Maybe somewhere? It's kind of an emergency, like, by emergency, I mean serious fashion code violation."
The man seemed to produce a tie, from where it was not known, and he held it up to show Barney. Barney felt like he was going to faint; this was just too much to handle.
It was the Ducky Tie.
Barney gulped. "Are- are you sure that's the only blue tie you have? Like you've got no more?"
The man shook his head. "Sorry, kid, this is it."
Barney stared back at the tie. He promised to himself he'd never wear it again, but this was an emergency, and emergencies called for desperate measures. Gagging a little bit, he handed over the cash. "I'll take it."
He dashed back to the church, pressed for time, and ran into the room were the others were.
"Hey, I'm back!" he announced breathlessly.
Lily's face lit up. "See? I told you!" she said gleefully to Robin.
"Where did you go, Ukraine?" Ted questioned, looking at Barney up and down who was panting and starting to sweat.
"Doesn't matter, I got a blue tie!" he said, holding it out. "And I threw up twice on the way back here, but I got a blue tie!"
"It's the Ducky Tie," Marshall reacted, smiling, in disbelief. "Barney, how did you-?"
"Now's not the time, Marshall, no questions asked!" Barney snapped.
Robin walked over to calm her soon to be husband. "All this over a blue tie?" she asked. "You know, the one you had on before was a real dealmaker, you didn't need to go running across the country to get another one!" She straightened it for him, looking him in the eyes, then said in a quieter voice, "It's nice. Because nothing goes with a wedding better than ducks, am I right?"
The others smiled, but Barney rolled his eyes.
"Oh come on buddy, ya gotta admit, it really quacks you up," Ted told him, smiling at his own joke.
"Yeah, you're a ducky guy, your wedding's gonna go over real well," Marshall added.
"It's normal to have cold feet before a wedding, but not too many people get webbed feet," Lily said, high fiving Marshall.
"If you feel the urge to run, blame it on your fight or flight response!" Ted threw in proudly.
"Alright, guys, the bird jokes are getting old," Robin told them.
"Yeah, we should probably stop now," Marshall admitted.
"Well that's just fowl!" Ted quipped.
"TED!" the other four shouted at him simultaneously.
"Okay, okay, the bird jokes are done, y'all can quack
'em but you don't like it when I do it!" He paused, then said, "I really can't stop, guys."
"In all seriousness, I told Lily I was gonna come back, and I wasn't lying about that," Barney said to Robin. "Honestly, do I seem like a guy that would leave you at the altar?"
Robin shrugged. "In the past, yes, but not really now, no."
"Exactly."
"And… you told Lily that?"
"Oh, yeah, well kinda. It's just…I mean, you should be flattered. Unless I really, like actually love somebody, I'm not gonna go on some epic tie search to find the right one, especially twenty three minutes before a wedding, so… if I were you, I'd consider yourself lucky."
She smiled. "I do."
"Well, I guess it's time," he said, quickly glimpsing down at his tie- the horribly offensive, brightly colored Ducky Tie that he was unfortunately wearing.
"Oh, come on, it's not that bad," she said convincingly. "It really brings out your eyes. And actually your hair, too, the uh, yellow. It's cute."
"Sure," he retorted sarcastically as they walked off.
"No, really, it does," she argued with him. They walked off together, continuing to tease each other and bicker playfully the way they did. Ted and the others were behind, smiling.
(And that was how your Uncle Barney found the perfect tie for his wedding. Even though he regretted wearing that tie, fighting it tooth and nail every step of the way, he came to realize that, in the end, it really was the perfect tie. And no one could argue with that.)