There becomes a point in your life when you hit a crossroads on your feelings for a person. That is where I currently stand, at an intersection between friendship and love. I know I love him but making that step scares me, what if he doesn't feel the same, I can't risk losing him. Then there is friendship, he is my best friend but can I handle staying friends with him for the rest of my life thinking what if? As there is no going back once I have made my decision.
Some may wonder why I have to make this decision now, why can it not wait.
See today I noticed something, I noticed Tony has changed; he wants to settle down, find someone to start a family. This is not like Tony, but it is ever since our case the other week where we saved a marine's family from being kidnapped he has changed. It is like it made him realise what he is missing.
This is my crossroads as otherwise I risk losing him to someone else.
Over the years Tony and I have had so many near misses and it never seems to be the right time especially everything that happened with Jeanne and Michael. But maybe, just maybe our time is now. But how do you know it is love? Love is one thing I never thought would be in my future especially while in Mossad. Love was just something for the weak, lust was the true weapon. Being a seductress was how you got close to your target; I used this many times over the years.
However I no longer see love as being weak but something for the strong as being in love is hard, and at times can be devastating. It takes a strong person to be able to give yourself completely to someone even though there is a possibility of rejection and not expect anything back. Love can last a lifetime and that thought its self is scary, how do you prepare to love someone forever? Is it possible to be enough for someone?
When I think of me and Tony I constantly talk myself out of it, as surely we would never work. But what if we did? I could right now be missing out on one of the best experiences in my life...of being in love and being loved back.
This is my crossroads.