Coda - And Then There Were None
Sam followed Dean to the edge of the cemetery, lengthening his stride to stay a step or two behind his brother. Dean had said the slate was clean, and his brother had meant it too. Sam simultaneously cursed and admired Dean's capacity to forgive, especially when it came to family.
That had been Sam's first clue that Samuel wasn't someone he wanted to listen to no matter how much information he had to the year he'd been flying morally blind. If Dean, who would do anything for family wanted the man dead, that told Sam all he needed to know.
Of course, he felt like a fucking hypocrite for even wanting to grab the offer of a clean slate when he'd been responsible for dragging Dean away from the only normal he'd had since he was four. Then to find out he'd been the one to put the last nail in his brother's relationship by standing by and willingly letting his brother be turned into a vampire. It didn't matter that he had supposedly known it could be reversed, the fact was he didn't know for sure, it'd never been attempted as far as he knew, but it hadn't mattered to him he let it happen anyway.
Sam was almost glad he couldn't remember the look on Dean's face when he realized that he'd been betrayed by his brother, used as bait for a monster and left to do untold amounts of damage if things had gone sideways on them. He'd always coveted every single one of Dean's expressions, even if those looks were disappointment, hurt and even disgust.
Thinking about all the ones he'd missed made him itch with the need to seek them all out and hoard them away where only he'd be able to take them out and catalogue them in his Dean encyclopedia of expressions. He'd always been a selfish bastard, and he wanted every single thing that made his brother who he was for himself. He realized just how fucked up that made him without the Psyche 101 he'd had in college,thank you very much.
His boots scraping across gravel brought him back to the here and now and he realized they were almost to the car. Dean's shoulders were tense and Sam could tell he wasn't thrilled about something.
"Are we going back to Bobby's?" Sam asked tentatively.
"Nope."
"Why not? I don't think it's a good idea to leave him alone."
"Sam!" Dean growled, stopping and turning to face him.
"What?" Sam asked, exasperated.
"He's going to get trashed, and he doesn't want us hanging around to watch."
"I know, but we do stupid shit when we lose somebody and get wasted!"
Dean sighed, running a hand through his damp hair. The gloomy morning had shifted to an overcast misty afternoon and it matched his mood.
"There's a difference," he plowed on, stalling Sam's next sentence. "Rufus was a friend, not a lover or a brother and he's not the first friend Bobby's lost."
"Doesn't mean he doesn't need us there," Sam grumbled.
"You're right,he probably does, but he doesn't want us there," Dean confessed, and he understood too, sometimes company just made it worse.
"How do you know?"
"Because I already asked Sam. Geez, do you seriously think I'd be leaving otherwise," Dean answered, his voice rising with each word until he was close to yelling.
Sam's mouth snapped shut and he shoved his hands in his pockets. He staredat the ground for a minute before lifting his eyes back up and finding his brother's.
"No," Sam said softly.
"Then what?" Dean asked wearily, knowing Sam didn't give one word answers unless he was avoiding something.
"I'm just worried. I know Rufus was just a friend but..." Sam trailed off, not really knowing why he was so bothered.
"Look, I get it." Dean opened the door and slid in, waiting for Sam to do the same. "I don't like it either, but I get the impression that whatever went down between Bobby and Rufus was why he wants to be alone."
"Why didn't you let him finish what he was going to say earlier? It might have helped if he'd talked about it," Sam asked as Dean put the car into drive and made his way slowly out of the cemetery.
"Because it wouldn't have. It's not going to change what happened, and it's not going to make it easier. Hell, Sam, you know that! We're human, we're going to make mistakes, get cocky, whatever. The point is, in this job someone's going to get hurt, sometimes it's because we made a mistake and there's not a damn thing we can do about it. Apologizing's not going to change it, talking about it's not going to make you forget it. Fact is, it's going to happen no matter how much research you do and how carful you are, on top of that, there'retoo many things that can make us their puppets to add to the mix. Holding a grudge is just another way to get someone killed."
Sam sat silentlyfor a few minutes thinking about what Dean had said. They hadn't resumed their intimate relationship since he'd been back. At first, Sam hadn't really cared why, but even without his soul, he'd known Dean would have thrown a punch after having spent a year with Lisa and Ben. Not that that would have really stopped him, but he'd known Dean would figure out there was something bad wrong with him sooner if he had. Once he'd gotten his soul back, he didn't want to push things. His brother was still trying to deal with his domestic life issues and Sam wasn't sure his brother would ever forgive him for standing by and watching him be turned.
"Did you mean what you said?" Sam asked hesitantly, noticing they were pulling into a motel. He realized it was the closest one to Bobby's and it made him ashamed that he'd questioned Dean on his lack of concern.
"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't." Dean slid out of the car and headed to the office before Sam could comment.
He got the distinct impression Dean didn't want to talk about it any more, but Sam needed to know where he stood. He knew he didn't deserve it, but the uncertainty was going to give him an ulcer. His brother walked out of the office swinging the key around on its holder, his brow furrowed as he walked back to the car.
Sam swallowed thickly,trying to slow his racing pulse. Dean was looking straight at him and Sam knew that look, his brother had decided they were going to have that conversation Sam wanted and once that was over it'd better not be brought back up...or else.
Dean got behind the wheel,driving past the row of doors until they came to the very end. They'd fell into a routine over the years of which room they would take depending on what juncture of their case they were in. The end typically meant things werer going to get loud.
Sam wasn't sure whyDean had put them at the end this time. He was hopeful that it wasn't because Dean was going to be yelling at him, not that that hadn't happened before, but there had been make up sex after. If he was being guaranteed make up sex, Dean could yell until he was hoarse.
An hour later, with all their gear stored, salt lines drawn and sigils chalked onto any possible entrance, exit and some that strictly weren't,Sam slid into one of the chairs and waited. He wasn't surprised when Dean didn't take the other chair, his brother didn't like to do the whole talking bit and he dealt with it better when he could move around. Sometimes he paced, more often than not he rocked on his heels. Sam understood the need to release the nervous energy, but at the moment he was afraid if he moved he would break into tiny little pieces with the stress he was feeling.
"I know you need to talk Sam, but there's nothing to talk about. I meant what I said, the slate's wiped clean. I did what you asked me to do...okay, I mostly did what you asked me to do, because if you thought I was going to leave you in that cage you were nuts." Dean held up his hand to stall anything Sam was about to say.
"Sam, I wasn't going to go the deal route again, I know what it's done to us, but I was going to find a way. I did what you wanted though, I found Lisa, did normal. It was good, I'm not going to lie to you, but it wasn't us."
Sam felt like he was on a roller coaster ride. His blood pressure shot through the roof, and his was heart pounding in his chest at all the ways his brother could have been hurt trying to get him out of a cage he wasn't even in.
He felt guilty over ruining a relationship he knew was good for Dean and maybe messing up a kid in the process, but deep inside, there was the soaring hope he might not have killed what they once had after all.
"There's never going to be anything that will trump us Sam, no matter how normal it is, or how much you think it's better for me. It's not you and it's not me and it's not us. I don't really care what anyone else thinks about it, not even Bobby, but I'm pretty damn sure he already knows and he hasn't kicked us out on our ass yet, even though we've both given him plenty of damn reasons besides this."
"Now I'm going to go take a shower, I still feel like I need to wash that Khan worm off me." Dean shuddered,thinking about the slimy slug crawling around in his brain pan or wherever it went.
Sam was stunned. Dean never really beat around the bush so he wasn't surprised by his brother's straightforwardness, but for Dean this was nearly a confession of undying love. It wasn't like they both hadn't said it before, but this was different somehow, poetic in a way that was rare for his brother
Dean had disappeared into the bathroom and the water had been running for a few minutes before Sam was able to get himself together and make a decision. He took a deep breath, pulling himself to his feet and stopped at the bathroom door, his hand hovering over the knob. Dean had been locking the door ever since he'd realized that Sam was far from all right, and he knew his brother had not only kept his knife under his pillow, but had added a gun to go with it.
He swallowed thickly, letting his hand drop and twist, his knees almost buckled when the knob turned and he was hit with the fog of steam from Dean's hot shower.
"It took you long enough," Dean's voice rumbled through the bathroom, bouncing off tiles and lodging in Sam's chest.
Sam stripped off his shirts, jeans and boxers in seconds, intent on not keeping his brother waiting, or wasting any more time than he already had. He paused at the curtain watching the silhouetteof his brother rinsing the soap out of his hair.
"Water's going to get cold soon," Dean commented lazily in encouragement.
Sam didn't wait any longer, moving the curtain aside, stepping in behind Dean, and spinning him around so he could crowd him against the wall. Sam smiled when his brother sucked in a shocked breath when his back met the cool tiles and his front rubbed against, warm, wet, slick skin.
His head spun as the blood rushed south, filling his cock and bringing it to attention in seconds. Dean was obviously having the same problem, because he was digging trenches into Sam's arms and the long, hard line of his dick was rubbing against Sam's thigh.
Sam caught whatever Dean was about to say with his lips, shoving them back down his throat with his tongue. Twin moans bounced off the walls around them and Dean was already grinding against Sam,intent on chasing the high of being with his brother again.
The disgruntled noise that escaped Dean's throat as Sam pulled back and tightened his grip around Dean's waist to still his movements made the pain of slowing things down for a second worth the sharp throb of pain shooting through his balls at the halt he'd called.
"Sam," Dean whined.
"Shhh..."Sam trailed off as he spun Dean around again, leaning over his back until his brother was forced to spread his legs to stabilize his position, his hands coming up to keep his face from being shoved into the tile.
"Seriously Sam, I was turned this way to start with." Dean grumbled.
"I said shhh." Sam whispered, finding the corded muscles along Dean's neck and shoulder and biting down, gripping the flesh between his teeth and sawing his jaw back and forth, marking Dean in a primal need to own.
"Shit Sam," Dean groaned as he pushed his ass back, rubbing against Sam's hard dick.
Sam growled and increased the pressure between his locked teeth for a few seconds before releasing the skin and soothing the blooming bruise with his tongue. He traced the imprint of his teeth with the tip several times before licking over the area once more.
"Did you have anything?" Sam asked, not relishing the thought of traipsing through their room dripping wet, and more importantly losing contact with Dean for more time than he was willing to be parted at the moment.
Dean reached towards the corner shelf, groping blindly at somewhere around shin level for the small bottle of waterproof lube he'd brought with him in the hopes his brother was as smart as his test scores always said he was.
"Such a boy scout," Sam whispered, nuzzling the wet skin behind Dean's ear.
"Perv, I'm not dressing up in a boy scout uniform," Dean gasped out as Sam's fingers found their way to the valley between his ass cheeks and unerringly to the small puckered hole hiding there.
Sam didn't bother responding because he knew if he brought one back, Dean would put it on for him, and that really shouldn't be as damn hot as his dick was making it seem.
"Sammy, you are a perv..."
The rest of Dean's sentence was cut off by Sam sliding his finger past the tight ring of muscle contracting around his knuckle until the palm of his hand was brushing up against the round globes of Dean's ass. Sam started a quick slide in and out, loosening Dean up so he could take the second, and third fingers without pain.
Sam couldn't have been more relieved when Dean's hips started to push back in a desperate rhythm. He slicked up his cock and lined up, pushing forward in one slow thrust until he was buried in his brother's tight heat. The water was pounding down against his back and the vibrations were sending waves through them wheretheir bodies were connected.
"Move, Sam," Dean choked out.
Sam was more than happy to oblige, pulling all the way out until the head of his cock stretched the tight ring of muscle, he ran his fingertips along the stretched flesh, just barely catching Dean around the waist when his knees buckled almost sending them both to the bottom of the shower.
He filed Dean's reaction away to use when they weren't in danger of breaking each other'snecks in a slippery shower and slammed his hips forward, pinning his brother between him and the wall. The fast rhythm he set would have been the other side of too hard if they both hadn't been chasing the need to reconnect and reclaim.
Dean's fingernails scratched grooves in Sam's sides but nothing registered with either of them but the bright sparks of release running down their spines and shooting over the shower tiles and deep inside Dean. Sam rested his head between his brother's shoulder blades while Dean tried to become one with the wall, both struggling to catch their breath and find the motivation to move.
The cold water hitting them and finally pushed them into action, Dean barley managed to make it to the bed before collapsing and Sam groaned at the thought of wet sheets but he hadn't done much of a dry job himself. At least there was another bed to move to when they were able to function again.
Sam had stretched out behind Dean, pulling his body flush with his own. He was just about asleep when Dean grabbed the hand that had been resting on Dean's hip and moved it to rest over his heart. Sam relaxed just that little bit more as he felt the slow and steady beat of his brother's heart against his hand.
"It's not the same Sam," Dean mumbled more than halfway to sleep. "It wasn't us."
Sam leaned up placing a kiss on Dean's temple. "I know Dean, I know, but it is now."