This is my first Blue Bloods fic! I recently became obsessed with this show and basically binged watched seasons 2-8 within a three-week period. I may or may not be proud of that fact... Haha!
While watching the last several episodes of Season 8, it seemed to me that Jamie was really struggling emotionally. I think how he felt about Eddie and the stressful situations he and his partner kept getting into had a lot to do with his decision on the sergeant's exam. I refuse to believe that some part of Jamie doesn't still want more out of his career! And I couldn't not write this, because I adore Jamie and I think that he does not get enough love from the writers!
Anyway, please give me any feedback you can spare! Like I said this is my first experience writing with these characters, so if you think they're a little ooc, please let me know! Hope you like it. :) On a random side-note: The formatting of this site really annoys me *eye-twitch* but I wasn't about to indent every line on a 14-page one-shot, so I apologize if you're like me and are anal-retentive.
Disclaimer: Obviously, I do not own any part of Blue Bloods or these characters. I'm only borrowing them to satisfy my suffering fangirl heart.
Hot tears raced down his cheeks, cutting through the cold air biting against his face. Jamie let out a long, shaky breath. The water in his eyes blurred the headstones of his brother and mother. Sniffing, he shifted his weight and buried his hands deeper into his pockets. He gasped in a ragged breath of cold air.
"I wish you were here," he muttered toward his brother's headstone. Lifting his eyes heavenward, Jamie let out a dry laugh and shook his head. "You always knew what to say. What to do. I…It feels like I'm drowning here, Joe."
Jamie dropped his head, hunching inward as he squeezed his eyes closed a long moment. What was he supposed to do about this stupid exam? It wasn't necessarily that he didn't want to be a sergeant. Two years ago it was all he could think about and if the exam had been posted then he would have taken it in a heartbeat. But a lot could change in two years. He took enough shit as a beat cop with his father as the PC—how much worse would it be if he got a promotion?
But he hadn't lied about being happy, either. He was happy being a beat cop. He left roll call feeling excited every day, never knowing what the day would hold. How he could help someone. Then again, he had been happy as a lawyer, too. He didn't think it would be difficult for him to find happiness, or a new purpose, in any new position that came along. Jamie had always been that way. Maybe it was a side effect of being the youngest of four children, he didn't know.
So what's the problem? He asked himself. Jamie wasn't even sure why he felt so strongly about not taking the sergeant's exam. Logically he knew that it made sense to get his name on a list, even if he ultimately decided that wasn't what he wanted. But even the thought of signing up made his lip curl upward.
"Dad keeps pushing me," he admitted, the invisible vise around his chest tightening, cutting off his air supply. "I get why. He's always held high expectations. Of course, I know that, but I…I don't know how I feel about it anymore. He's disappointed that I don't want to be more than a beat cop. He won't say it but I can tell. You know that look he has…"
Scowling, he shook his head again. What should he do? Jamie felt as though he were drowning, fighting to stay afloat as a riptide threatened to pull him under.
After Joe died, he had been filled with an overwhelming certainty that he was going to be a cop. Growing up the way he did, around so many male role models dressed in blue, it was hard not to want those things. But Mom had been adamant that her baby would not be joining the family business. Not on her watch.
So he discovered law, right alongside Erin, and decided that he could be happy there. And he was. He liked getting justice for people who had been hurt. But in the back of his mind, he had always wondered what he would look like in NYPD blues. What he would feel like walking the beat. After Mom's death he struggled a lot with honoring her wishes or following his heart. Ultimately, it had been Joe's death that allowed him to get over the guilt of going against what she'd wanted for her youngest child. If he was honoring his brother, then at least he could justify it to himself. To her memory.
"Please, Joe," he begged, knowing it was futile, "I need you. I don't know what to do."
He knew now what it was like on the beat. What he looked like in blue. He had become a cop to help people because being a lawyer just wasn't enough. And he had accomplished that. But was that all that he wanted to accomplish? Did he want more? Jamie swallowed back the lump in his throat and raised his hand to wipe the snot from his nose with the back of it.
Always follow your heart, Jamie, he heard Joe's voice echoing through his mind. But don't ever allow it to overrule your head.
His heart was a jumbled mess right now. The losses he'd felt over the years hit him hard these last few weeks. Mom. Joey. Vinny. He didn't even know why. His mind flashed with the face of a certain blonde-haired, blue-eyed pain in his ass. Okay, so maybe that was why.
When he had thought, even just for a moment, that Eddie was gone—he shuddered, pushing the pain away. Jamie had frantically searched her vest that day, desperate, praying that she was okay. And she had been. She was. But ever since then, he felt as though his head and his heart stopped communicating. He kept thinking about Vinny dying in his arms at the Bittermen Houses. About Mom, breathing her last breath on the hospital bed, surrounded by all those who loved her. About that awful, earth-shattering phone call he had received, almost exactly nine years ago, telling him that his best friend and brother was dead. Gone. Forever.
This whole Sergeant's exam mess was just the latest complication in a line of jumbled, tangled emotions he couldn't seem to work through. Jamie's watch beeped and he looked down to check it. Two o'clock. He was supposed to meet Eddie in thirty minutes and if he didn't leave now he would certainly be late. Sucking in a breath of cold air, he wiped at his cheeks to remove any trace of tears and sniffed. He hesitated for a moment longer, stepping forward to touch his mother's headstone with frozen, shaking fingertips. The fresh bouquet of flowers he brought was a stark, colorful contrast to the yellowed, dead grass.
"Love you, Mom," he murmured, trailing his hand over the letters of her name before moving over to Joe's. "You too, Joey. Thanks for the talk, big brother."
His breath steamed in the cold air as he spoke. With one final look and a shaky breath, Jamie swallowed back the tears and started for the walkway. His car was a few yards away on the road. He gave himself until he reached his car to pull it together. The meeting with Eddie was meant to be helpful and productive. She didn't need his emotional baggage along for the ride.
Jamie took in one final breath and let it out in a huff before opening the door of his car. The words he had recalled from Joe earlier played again in his mind: Always follow your heart, but don't allow it to overrule your head. Joe had told him that a lot when they were kids. More specifically, when he was a kid. It was solid advice. But what exactly did that mean for this situation? He didn't know what he wanted in his heart, because his heart was too busy aching over Eddie. Over being too late.
He shook his head to clear it and started the engine. Jamie put it into drive and slowly pulled out of the Holy Cross Cemetery in Brooklyn. Traffic didn't seem too bad once he hit the main road and he hoped he wouldn't be too late for their meeting. When he reached the café, Jamie could see Eddie already inside, her sergeant's exam workbook open on the table and all of the study guides he'd provided spread over the table.
Pausing by the front door, he took a moment to look at her. Her hair was up in a messy ponytail, clearly the result of her absent-mindedly throwing it up and out of her way. She was wearing a light pink sweater, a pair of dark jeans, and her usual heeled boots. She held a pen in one hand, poised over the workbook, and nibbled at the edge of a thumb, her lips moving silently as she read over the workbook. Jamie's lungs stopped working momentarily. As much as he said she wasn't his type, he couldn't remember ever seeing a woman as beautiful as Eddie.
A smile spread over his lips, even as the drowning feeling increased. Swallowing against his suddenly dry throat, Jamie stepped forward and pulled the door open. The café was a favorite of theirs. It was almost exactly halfway between his apartment and hers and they had spent countless nights, mornings, and evenings there in the past four years.
"Hey Jamie!"
The owner knew them both by name, and as it was a small local shop she was often one of the workers on duty. Smiling, Jamie lifted a hand in greeting.
"Tea?" She asked. Lorena had memorized his and Eddie's usual orders after only a month.
"That'd be great," he nodded. "Thanks, Lorena."
She gave him a bright smile and a nod before starting to make the drink. It was a lazy Sunday afternoon, and most of the café was deserted. Jamie crossed over to Eddie's table and sat down beside her.
"Hey," she muttered absently, throwing him a furtive glance.
"Hi," Jamie chuckled. She was clearly deep in thought. "Sorry I'm late."
"Hmmm? Yeah, fine."
Jamie laughed lightly, the tightness in his chest loosening for a bit. It always seemed to be less painful when he was next to her. He leaned over the notes she was scouring, plucking one of the pens scattered over the table and quietly adding scenarios and questions for Eddie to study. Lorena approached around five minutes later, a steaming mug of his favorite tea in one hand and a small plate of warm, freshly-baked cookies in the other.
"I brought you some extra fuel," she explained, lifting the cookies up higher a moment.
"Thank you," Jamie smiled.
"No, no, it's on the house!" Lorena insisted as Jamie reached down for his wallet.
"Lorena—"
"I insist! Just get those promotions you deserve and I'll consider that my payment," she winked. Jamie felt a jab of guilt. He wasn't the one looking for a promotion, only Eddie. "Now, you two get back to studying. You'll knock it outta the park."
Eddie's attention had been caught by the sight of cookies and she smiled up at their friend.
"Thank you, Lorena," she grinned, plucking a cookie off the plate. "You're a life saver."
The middle-aged woman laughed, shaking her head. "No, the life savers are you two. Trust me. I'm just showing a little appreciation for my two favorite police officers. You deserve it."
Before either of them could protest, Lorena flashed them a kind smile and whisked away back to the drink counter. Jamie watched her a moment and let out a laugh. Looking at Eddie, he saw his appreciation for Lenora mirrored on her features. She met Jamie's gaze and smiled.
"She's too nice."
Jamie nodded in agreement. He took a bite of chocolate chip cookie before nodding toward Eddie's notes. "How far'd you get?"
"About halfway," Eddie sighed and dropped her pen, leaning back in her chair. "I don't think I'm ever going to be ready, Jamie. There's too much!"
"Hey," he bumped her elbow with his encouragingly. "That's what I'm here for, remember?"
"Right," she laughed. "Mr. I-Graduated-Harvard-Law-School-With-Honors."
He rolled his eyes. Was she ever going to let it go?
"You went to college, too. It's just like any other test!"
"No, it isn't! This test determines my future in a much more definite way than any test I ever took in school."
"Oh, right, I forgot you majored in party girl," Jamie teased with a grin.
Eddie groaned and put her head in her hands, elbows on the table.
"This is serious!" She complained, her voice a little muffled by her arms. "I literally feel sick to my stomach."
"Okay, okay," Jamie laughed, a small part of him feeling sorry for her. This clearly meant a lot to her. "You're going to do fine, Eddie. You're a great cop. Trust your instincts and you'll be fine. Alright? Now, let's start where you left off."
He gently tugged the workbook from between her elbows and flipped through a few pages. Clearing his throat, he readjusted his chair and then read out the first question.
A few hours and several refills later Jamie dropped the book and stretched out. Eddie let out a massive yawn and rubbed the back of her neck.
"Thanks again for all the help."
"No problem."
They lapsed into silence for a long moment. Eddie ate the last cookie as she took a break from studying.
"Jamie, why won't you take this test?"
His eyes found hers slowly. Eddie's lips were pressed together, her eyes wide. Clearly, she hadn't been planning on blurting out the question. A sigh escaped before he could stop it.
"Eddie…" Jamie shook his head, not sure what to say.
"I know you say you're happy where you are. But why does that mean anything? I'm happy, too, but I still want to take this test. Jamie, I…" She paused, sighing and fiddling with her discarded pen. "I'm not trying to pressure you, or anything. I respect that this is your choice, but I just don't get it. What's the big deal?"
Jamie suddenly felt a headache coming on and he didn't think it was to do with studying. He clenched his jaw, thinking. Eddie's eyes searched his face as he tried to come up with an answer she would accept. He let out a breath through his nose, shaking his head again.
"Look, I—" He what? Jamie didn't know what to say, what to think. The pounding in his head increased.
"I don't know," he finally admitted, scowling and dropping his gaze to avoid hers. "I just don't want to take it, all right?"
"No, it's not all right! Jamie, you've taught me everything I know! You're a wonderful cop and I don't understand why you won't just—"
Jamie glanced at his watch to avoid looking at his partner and with a jolt, he realized what time it was. He jumped up, pulling his coat from the back of his chair.
"Shit!"
"Jamie?" Eddie asked in shock, "what are you—?"
"It's five o'clock," he explained hurriedly as he shoved his coat on. "Gonna be late."
Eddie glanced at her own watch to confirm he wasn't just avoiding their conversation.
"Okay, fine, but this isn't over Reagan! We're going to talk about this!"
"Yeah, yeah, I'll see you tomorrow!" He was halfway to the door already and tossed the words over his shoulders. Turning to push the door open with his back, he caught sight of Eddie's exasperated face as she watched him leave.
He was almost to his car when Jamie had the presence of mind to check his phone. Shit. The screen displayed a plethora of missed calls and texts: ten calls from Erin, nearly as many texts from Nicky, and a couple from Sean and Jack. Letting out a sigh, he climbed into his car, turned it on, and pulled into traffic as fast as he safely could.
The drive to his father's seemed longer than usual. Maybe it was because of the brooding thoughts he couldn't seem to keep at bay. The conversation with his father from yesterday played over in his mind. "To whom much is given, much is expected." He was tired of the expectations. He just wanted to live his life, how he wanted and without his family jumping on his back because they didn't like the decision he made. But you don't even know what you want, he reminded himself and then regretted it. Why was this so hard?
Jamie was thirty minutes late when he finally pulled into the driveway. He pulled his coat off as he hurried through the kitchen door, tossing it onto the counter.
"Hey, hey!" He said, walking quickly through the kitchen and into the dining room where everyone was sat, waiting.
A chorus of greetings reached his ears, Erin's voice ringing loudest as she noted, "Nice of you to show up!"
Guilt bit at him as he sat down between Erin and Jack. "Sorry I'm late guys."
"It's okay," Danny said sarcastically, "we were so hungry we barely noticed."
He didn't want to deal with Danny's shit today. But he bit back the remark he wanted to throw because he knew it wouldn't make things any better. He and Dad were already walking on egg shells at the moment. He didn't need to get into it with Danny too.
Instead, he took the high road and repeated, "I said I'm sorry."
"We didn't think you were coming," Grandpa noted from his end of the table.
"I've never missed family dinner," he replied, looking over at him. Even though that kind of sounds nice right now, he added bitterly in his head.
"Isn't that kinda the point?"
Jamie turned to look at his father. He took a beat to collect himself. "Yeah, well, I lost track of time."
It was the honest-to-God truth, and yet he wasn't sure his father believed him. What had happened between them lately? He couldn't remember the last time he and his father had been so much at odds about something.
"Doing what?" Grandpa wanted to know.
Jamie told him as he linked his fingers together over his plate. How would his father react to hearing that? He couldn't resist looking over, trying to gauge his father's reaction. It surprised him how much it hurt to see the disappointment there. Even though he already knew how his father felt, it deepened the wound just a little. Why couldn't he just accept Jamie's decision and be proud of how well he did his job? Beat cop or otherwise. Silence fell for a moment as his father and grandfather exchanged looks.
"Okay, well, if no one else is going to, I'm gonna say grace 'cuz I'm hungry," Danny said impatiently, bowing his head and speeding through the prayer. Barely any of them had crossed themselves before Danny was finished and adding on an annoyed, "Let's eat!"
Glancing down at his plate, Jamie took in a deep breath. He felt bad that they all had to wait for him and he hadn't intended on being late. But a part of him also felt even more annoyed than he had before about this whole thing. Was he being punished now? Because he didn't want what everyone else thought he should want? He could feel his father's eyes on him. Jamie glanced over, giving him a tight-lipped smile as the food began to be passed around.
Whatever was going on with them, he refused to back down. Maybe he didn't know what he wanted one hundred percent, but his father had no right to pressure him into something that was his choice to make. It was his life, after all. Why couldn't he just accept that? Conversation sprang up around him, but Jamie didn't feel like talking much. He could tell that Erin and probably even Danny knew something was going on. Danny had already put his two cents in on the sergeant's exam situation, so he knew that his brother also had an opinion on what he should do. Not that he'd asked.
He tired not to sulk, observing the conversation around him more than participating. Jamie had uttered all of five words by the time everyone was done. He offered to do the dishes, mostly to avoid the post-dinner conversations and activities, but also because he genuinely felt bad about being late. It was the least he could do.
"What's eating you?"
Jamie looked over at Erin, his dishes partner, and saw her brown eyes shining with concern. She had a slight scowl on her face. He jerked his shoulders upwards.
"Nothing. I'm fine." Even he could tell his tense, clipped reply proved he was lying. Thankfully Erin seemed to understand he didn't want to talk about it.
"Okay…"
They both returned to doing the dishes in silence. As soon as they were over, Jamie dried his hands and hung up the dish towel on the oven's handle.
"I have an early tour tomorrow," he noted by way of saying goodnight. "I should get home."
Jamie gathered his jacket and quickly made his rounds through the house. Nicky and Pops were setting up poker, two glasses of whiskey already set by their places. He managed a smile for them as he said goodbye. Before finding his father, Jamie took in a deep breath. He was in his usual armchair, a book opened in his lap but his eyes not moving on the page.
"I gotta get home," Jamie told him, making a conscious effort to meet his eyes. His father's blue eyes shone sadly behind his glasses. Was he truly such a big disappointment? He swallowed before continuing. "Early tour in the morning."
His father simply nodded. Jamie turned his back to him and was stepping away when his father's voice made him pause.
"Jamie—"
"I'm fine," he lied, turning to his father with as big of a smile he could manage. "See you later."
He could hear the heavy sigh as he walked away. Jamie was already a disappointment, so why did it matter? Swallowing against the bitterness, he pulled on his coat and found his way to his car. He sat inside for a long moment. His fingers turned white against the steering wheel as he gripped it tightly. Setting his jaw, Jamie turned the ignition and headed for home, his mind still spinning in confusion.
His feet pounded the New York City pavement as Jamie pushed himself further. Running had always been a way for him to clear his head. Eddie tried a few times throughout their tour to get him to talk about the sergeant's exam. He refused to budge, though. Jamie didn't know why. He just knew that he wasn't ready to talk about it yet. By the last few hours, she took the hint and stopped asking.
Jamie didn't realize until he was slowing down at the corner that he had ended up at the District Attorney's Office in Lower Manhattan. Slowing to a jog and then a slow walk, Jamie put his hands on his head and sucked in several breaths as he decided what to do. Subconsciously he had run to the only person he felt like taking advice from right now. But was he ready to hear it? Did he want to know his sister's opinion about how he should live his life? Here he was, standing at the bottom of the steps, so apparently he did. Jamie let out a sigh before slowly ascending the steps.
Technically the building was closed, but it was easy enough for him to gain access. Most people knew who he was and who he was there to see. He nodded a few silent greetings as he made his way to Erin's office. As he expected, his sister was still at her desk, buried in cases and lost in paperwork. He was still breathing heavier than normal from his run. Jamie hesitated for a moment before knocking on his sister's half-open office door.
"Hey," he said, slightly breathless, as Erin looked up to see who her visitor was.
"Jamie!" She said in surprise, leaning back in her chair and reaching up to remove her glasses. "What're you doing here?"
He shrugged, walking over to drop into one of the chairs in front of her desk. "I was on a run and passing by, so I figured I'd stop in."
She eyed him suspiciously and Jamie knew his bluff wasn't good enough.
"Is this about yesterday?"
His silence was the answer that she needed.
"I know you and dad were tense about something," she noted, leaning forward and starting to put away her case files. She stacked them all into one pile before returning her gaze to him. "Is it about the sergeant's exam?"
Jamie sighed, shifting his weight in the chair. "A bit."
"Come on," Erin stood up and tucked her files into her bag, slinging it over her shoulder. "Let's go across the street and grab a table. I haven't eaten since eleven am."
"In this?" Jamie protested, looking down at his sweaty exercise ensemble.
Erin laughed. "I'm sure they've seen worse."
He gave a resigned sigh and rolled his eyes, following her out of her office. Once they were seated at one of Erin's favorite haunts across from work, she looked over at him with a piercing gaze. He could tell that she had suspicions about his mood. Jamie hunched over the table, turning the small glass of whiskey in his hands around in slow circles.
"Jamie…" she prodded softly, "what's going on?"
Lifting the glass to his mouth, he took a long sip before sitting back in his chair and looking at Erin.
"I don't know," he huffed. "Everyone keeps talking about this damn test and looking at me like I'm crazy for not wanting to take it. I don't even know for sure if I don't want to take it. All I know is that I'm happy where I am. I like helping people. And I'm tired of all these whispers in my ear, telling me what I should do. What I'm expected to do."
"You mean Dad."
"I mean everyone! Danny, Eddie, Dad. I know Grandpa is thinking it, even if he hasn't said as much. Hell, even Renzulli brought it up today."
"Okay, but what's the problem here? Everyone is bringing it up because they care, Jamie. But in the end, this is your decision and if you don't want to do it than we'll all support that."
He couldn't help the bitter laugh that escaped. "Dad won't."
"Why would you say that?"
"Because he told me. He came to my apartment the other day. It wasn't a long visit, didn't go the way he'd hoped. But he spouted that 'to whom much is given much is expected' shit on his way out. He's disappointed."
"Jamie…"
Erin's food arrived and she paused to thank the waiter and situate her plate before looking over at him again. She shook her head.
"Dad isn't disappointed. Frustrated, maybe."
"Yeah, well, that makes two of us."
He watched, scowling, as his sister cut up her food and took a bite. After his visit to the cemetery yesterday his bad mood had only increased.
"Are you balking at this because Dad is the one pushing you?"
"No," he scoffed, staring out the window a moment. Maybe she was right. His anger deflated, just a little. "I don't know."
"You have always done things on your own terms, Jamie. Even when Dad isn't one hundred percent behind an idea, like you becoming a cop."
"My own terms?" Jamie grimaced, letting out a dry laugh. "Erin, I went to law school for Mom. I became a cop for me, yeah, but if Joe hadn't died I don't know that I ever would have had the guts to do it. My whole life I've tried to do what I can to not rock the boat. I don't think I even know what my own terms are."
"So…do you want to take the test?"
"I want everyone to lay off about me taking the damn test!" He growled.
"Okay, but you came to me, remember? Clearly, this is eating at you."
Jamie sighed, dropping his shoulders as a wave of exhaustion settled over him. He hadn't slept much last night.
"I wish Joe was here," he murmured softly, swallowing against the emotions threatening to engulf him. "He'd know what I should do."
"I thought the problem was people telling you what you should do?"
Jamie groaned. "It is. Ugh, I don't know! I'm just…frustrated, and angry, and… Look, if this test came up two years ago I would have taken it no problem. But now…"
"Are you afraid you won't pass?"
"Are you kidding me?!"
Erin laughed, lifting her hands up in a surrendering gesture for a moment. "I had to ask. Well if fear of failure isn't the issue than what is? Does this have to do with Eddie?"
"What?"
"Jamie, you can ignore it all you want, but from where I'm standing you are head over heels for her. And the way she looks at you…. Well, I've said from the beginning that if I had what the two of you share, I wouldn't think twice."
"My relationship with Eddie has nothing to do with this," he insisted, clenching his jaw. "I gave her my application. She wants this and I'm not about to stand in her way."
"Relationship?" She quirked an eyebrow upwards.
Closing his eyes, Jamie let out a deep breath. "No, it's not like—our friendship. Our partnership. She has a boyfriend."
"Okay," Erin smirked. He could tell she didn't believe there was nothing going on.
For a long moment he pondered the question. What was at the root of his frustration here? For some reason, he'd needed someone else to ask the question before he could really, truly think about it. Before he could fully comprehend what he'd been struggling with subconsciously for weeks. A nagging feeling filled the pit of his stomach.
"I think…" Sighing, he shook his head. "I think the problem is that I'm frustrated. And I'm pissed. And I'm tired of living my life on his terms."
He thought back to four years ago, to a conversation he'd had with his father in the kitchen. He had just confessed his concerns about not having been promoted yet, after four years on the beat. Both Danny and Joe had been promoted by then. Even his father had been promoted by four years on the job. Jamie had confessed that he thought something was wrong with him, and his father had noted that it was more likely the case that Jamie was being overlooked because he was the PC's 'd expressed his worry that he was holding Jamie back. And again, last year during a talk with his father, Dad had asked if he felt he was being held back by his father's position. Jamie had assured him that wasn't the case, but was that true? And if Dad really had felt that way, why hadn't he done something about it?
Jamie still had to deal with superior officers targeting him because his last name was Reagan and they had a chip on their shoulder. Still had to accept that no one would ever suggest he make detective, or receive a metal, or be listed for a promotion because they didn't want the PC to assume they were trying to kiss his ass. Why was it only now, on his father's terms and his father's timing that he was expected to become a sergeant? Where was this promotion four years ago? Hell, even two years ago?
"His terms?"
Jamie explained his thoughts to her, trying to keep his tone light, to not let the bitterness seep through. He wasn't normally a bitter person, but something about this whole mess was giving him an extra dose.
"I'm tired, Erin. Tired of being ignored or singled out because of who my father is. So yeah, maybe I don't want to take this test because he wants me to. Because for years I've had to settle. To not say anything, because I knew if I did he would never let it happen, while also knowing that no one else would dare try to suggest I get a promotion—no matter how much I might deserve it. So I accepted that I would be the one making the barstools, the one with my hands on the product. And I found a purpose in that." He found himself going back to his father's metaphor from their conversation a year ago. But even then it was too little too late.
Jamie had spent his whole life finding happiness in the place he was at. With a brother like Danny and a sister like Erin, it was easy to slip under the radar. They were the high maintenance ones. The ones that needed the attention, often times demanded it. Joe had always been the bridge between, a balanced middle-ground, the child that got into just enough trouble to not be the Troubled One but was not quite innocent enough to be the Golden Boy. No, that role had fallen to Jamie.
"And now, for whatever reason, he wants me to be a sergeant? After I've found purpose in where I'm at, after I've reconciled my happiness to my position never changing? It's bullshit, Erin. It's been eight years and obviously I've had my moments, but for the most part, I've toed the line. I'm so sick of being the boy scout. And for what?"
"Boy scout?" She asked dubiously.
"It's—never mind."
"I think I understand what you're saying. And you have a valid point."
"But?" He knew it was coming. When was there not in their family?
Erin let out a small laugh. "But I think you should also consider that this is your future."
Rolling his eyes, he shifted forward and said, "I know that, I—"
She ignored his interruption, continuing on, "And you shouldn't let your stubbornness, or rebellion, or whatever this is, get in the way. You just said yourself that two years ago you were gung-ho for making sergeant. Have you changed that much, or are you just having a hard time reconciling the fact that what you really do want is what Dad wants too?"
Always follow your heart, but never allow it to overrule your head. Was he letting his heart, his bull-headed Irish emotions, get in the way of making a practical, logical decision about this test? Was he letting his confusion and heartache and wistfulness about Eddie cloud his head?
"You've been under a lot of stress lately," Erin said, understanding. "I can see why you're having a hard time with this. Just…will you promise me one thing?"
Jamie nodded, chewing on his bottom lip.
"Don't let your frustration with Dad and how he's handling this affect your decision. If you think long and hard about this, and you decided that you really are okay being a beat cop, that you know and feel in your heart that your talents are being used to your satisfaction on the beat, I will support you. One hundred percent. I'll talk to Dad if you want me to. But promise me that you won't skip taking this test just to spite our father."
Jamie couldn't help but laugh. As his sister, Erin certainly knew about the petty side of Jamie that could spark alive when provoked. He was a Reagan, after all.
"Okay," he smiled, nodding in agreement. "I promise."
It was getting late and Erin had finished her meal nearly an hour ago. They both stood up, Jamie feeling considerably lighter. This had been good for him. Therapeutic. There weren't a lot of people he could open up to. Of course there was Eddie. But he'd needed someone who understood the way his father thought, how he acted, in order to talk through this. So obviously his big sister was the next best thing.
"All right," Erin said as they both made their way out of the restaurant. "What was that boy scout thing about?"
He groaned. Why did he bring that up?
"It's…uh," he paused, shaking his head. It wasn't like Erin didn't know about how he felt. What was the harm in admitting it? "It's something Eddie…uh, well she calls me that sometimes."
"Oh?"
From the look she gave him, Jamie suspected that she thought his 'boy scout' comment earlier had little to do with his situation with their father and more to do with his frustrations about Eddie. And she'd be right, he had to admit. He was tired of being the boy scout about their situation, too. It seemed like every night he laid awake in bed, dreaming up ways of finally admitting to her how he still felt. Of telling her to screw Barry and be with him instead. But he didn't know how to cross that line—or how to erase it, as Erin had said after Eddie got shot. He refused to do something that might hurt her. He wouldn't be another male disappointment in her life.
"Please don't," he sighed, shaking his head. He was already exhausted; he couldn't handle another lengthy conversation about his partner, too.
"Okay. Another time," she gave him a knowing smile.
"Thanks," he said, offering her a small, grateful smile.
"Need a lift home?" Erin asked as they approached her car.
"No, thanks, I still have a lot of thinking to do. I promised, remember?"
"Alright. Be safe."
"I will."
He waited until she was safely tucked away in her car, the engine purring to life, before lifting a hand in a wave. She waved back, and Jamie started off at a slow jog, back toward Brooklyn Heights and his apartment. By the time he reached Brooklyn Bridge, he was settling back into a fast pace. After his talk with Erin and letting off some steam through his run, Jamie was feeling considerably better. He dodged around groups of tourists and bypassed those walking at a slower pace with ease.
As his arms pumped backward and forward and his feet pounded the pavement, Jamie thought about what Erin had said. He thought hard about what it was that he truly wanted. Blocking out the noise of his father, and Eddie, and Danny and everyone around him who had managed to put in their two cents about taking the sergeant's test was not easy. But he managed to do it. After weeks of agonizing over what he should do, after weeks of adamantly insisting that he didn't want anything more than what he had, Jamie finally knew for certain what he wanted. And by the time he reached his apartment, taking the stairs up to his floor to cool down from his run, he knew exactly what he was going to do.
Jamie took a quick shower, changed in to some pjs, and collapsed into bed. He got comfortable and crossed himself to say a few prayers of thanks. His family drove him crazy sometimes, but they also tended to be there when it mattered. That was what made them Reagans. They stuck together, no matter what.
"Thanks, Joey," he muttered tiredly. He knew in his heart that he wouldn't have come to his decision without the help of both Joe and Erin.
For the first time in weeks, Jamie fell asleep with a smile, his conscience clear and his heart ten times lighter.