Hi everyone! So I've been writing this up in my spare time this week and I know I'm finishing up late with the episode airing in just over a day, but I thought I'd share it anyway.
This is NOT my prediction for the episode or how I think it will go down because, well, after 7.11 I have decided to just take 7B as it comes, lol. I'm not sure how great a Darvey ending 7.13 will give us and that promo f*cked me up. So I had to do something to take my mind off of it, by piecing together some teasers we've gotten and making them into a story.
Can't wait to see how the actual episode will unfold and probably break our hearts, but oh well, Darvey is endgame either way! :)
Enjoy! (I was too tired to properly proofread so sorry for any typos you may encounter)
note: the last part may be slightly M-rated, who knows..
Part I
Donna passes Harvey's office on her way home that night. The corner of her eye is greeted by an unfamiliar presence in the large room. Out of a twelve year habit of making sure only the right people got into his beloved work space, she stops in her tracks and looks in.
She only has to glance once to know who it is. Her casual, yet well put together appearance, her artsy aura, those comfortingly familiar kind eyes. But more so, what those eyes were staring at.
The COO smiles, tilting her head as she walks through the open glass door.
"Hi." she smiles so warmly that Lily can't help but do the same straight away as she pulls her gaze from the canvas, and towards the leggy redhead in a blue dress with a stranger's face, but an old friend's spirit. "You must be Lily."
"Hi.. yes that's me." she chuckles. "How did you know?"
"I'm Donna," she says with less seriousness than usual. "I know everything there is to know about your son." Except how he truly feels, her mind finishes.
Donna extends her hand, her teeth peering out under her attractive smile as the women engage in a firm, friendly shake.
She notices Lily looking at her with a curious glint in her eye, telling her she was being carefully studied.
"Nice to meet you, Donna."
She knew who Donna was. Not by appearance, until right this second. But by name, and hilarious anecdotes told to her by Gordon and Marcus over the years.
After another while, Lily finally lets go of their grip, shaking her head as she snaps out of her train of 'is this her?' thought.
"I'm Harvey's-" Donna doesn't even get the chance to say friend or colleague -or whatever the hell they are these days.
"Of course!" she smiles brightly, thinking she made the right girlfriend connection. "You're coming to dinner with us, I assume?"
"Dinner?"
"The restaurant. Your Harvey's 'special someone' right?" she smirks up at her, her eyes softening behind her light bangs.
Donna's lip almost quivers, her smile dying out in her eyes before she quickly remembers to keep her frown very much, upside down.
"Actually-"
"I can't thank you enough, you know?" Lily gazes at her, completely oblivious that she had the right woman, but the wrong girlfriend.
Donna stops her attempts to put her straight for a second as curiosity gets the better of her. She tilts her head a fraction, brows lowered with intrigue. "For what?"
"Convincing him to come see me all those months ago, of course!" she grins, eyes widened with gratitude.
As the redhead looks even more bemused, Lily decides to elaborate further.
"Let me guess," she scoffs, "he didn't give you credit for it?"
"Lily-"
"Well he did when he came to see me!" she informs. "Said someone very special to him convinced him that he needed to."
Donna's lower lip falls without her consent, her heart starts beating too fast too. She should have put it together without so much help from Lily. She's Donna after all. But when it comes to Harvey and how he truly feels about her, that 'all knowing' attitude is nowhere to be found. Hiding around some dark corner of her brain, afraid to come out and shout out to the rest of the class what it thinks it knows.
She knows the kiss affected him, he admitted as much. And she may even have believed he was lying about not wanting more. But somehow, this was bigger than all of those things. This was something he said to his mother - the woman he had spent half his life forcing himself to hate - about her, before there was any kiss, or fallout, or reconciliation. He had decided completely on his own to mention her, in his own little way, to his mother.
Someone very special to me.
Before she can let the revelation hit her full force, she decides to focus on the fact that she already knew she was special to him.
With you it's different.
And look how that turned out.
She clears her throat, knowing she needs to set the woman straight about who she is.
"Lily I-" she hates how flustered she sounds so she gathers herself a bit more, slowly blinking now, "I'm sorry I should have been more clear, but Harvey and I are just friends. We've known each other for a long time now."
"Oh.." she replies, clearly puzzled because Donna seemed to fit so well into the picture. His life being the picture. "I'm sorry, I should have let you speak I just got so excited at the chance to thank this woman, and then you came in and I thought it was you!" she chuckles somewhat awkwardly as she waves her hands about.
Donna grits her teeth, knowing she was going to have to lie for the sake of Harvey, and his relationship with Paula, which she knew he was trying so hard to maintain.
"That'd be Paula." she nods, forcing a happy facade before she swallows, her right hand now clasping the fingers of her left as both hovered over her abdomen. "The woman he's dating."
"Well," Lily sighs with smile and a whisper, "I'd better thank her tonight then."
Donna opens her mouth to suggest otherwise. Make up something about Harvey not wanting to be embarrassed in front of her, knowing how badly the reveal would go down if Paula doesn't already know. Which she guesses she doesn't when Lily clearly hasn't even been told so much as her son's girlfriend's name. Harvey obviously hasn't shared much with either of them.
But before she could, she hears his crisp voice cut through the warm office air behind her.
"You ready to go?"
"You took your time." Lily scolds lightly as Donna tilts her body, peering over her exposed shoulder at him.
"Don't even start with the prostate jokes." he warns Donna as he pulls up in front of them, noticing how her mouth was agape, ready to fire some Mike-like joke.
She holds her hands up faux-defensively, while her eyebrows investigate her forehead, causing it to crease. "I wasn't gonna say a thing about your old man bladder."
He tilts his head at her then, sending her an unimpressed glare when she looks all too pleased with herself, having managed to get some form of a jesting comment into her contradicting response.
Lily can't help but watch the pair before her. Merely two seconds of seeing them interact together and she was even more shocked that Donna wasn't who she thought she was.
"I see you've met each other then." he chances, eyes glancing between the pair as he dares to smirk lightly.
"We have.. No thanks to you." Donna smiles teasingly, before lightly jabbing him with her elbow. Something she doesn't recognise as an excuse just to feel close to him, seeing as she's never felt further apart from him.
He just smirks in response, knows that she's right and there's no point in arguing it.
"We better get going, mom." he nods towards her, hands in his pockets as his head points in the direction of the hallway.
"Well, it was lovely to meet you, Donna." Lily beams, extending her hand once more. "Hopefully it won't be another decade until we see each other again!"
"You too, and I hope not!" Donna grins in agreement before letting go of her hand. "Goodbye Lily."
Harvey finds himself lost in the exchange. The naturalness of their interactions unsettling him for reasons he dare not explore.
That's right! I didn't feel anything when I kissed you, Harvey.
He inhales, looks to Donna and nods.
"Good night, Harvey." she says when their eyes catch.
"Good night, Donna." Harvey replies after a moment - probably one too long - of staring.
As he turns his back and follows his mother out, it all feels wrong to him. Leaving Donna behind. The person who he knows deep down, no matter how much he tries to pin it down to someone else, convinced him that he had to make things right with his mother. No matter what he told himself, or Paula, to try and make his feelings for Donna less significant, less overpowering and time-consuming.
She didn't want him so he wasn't going to want her. Not in that way. Not if he had anything to do with it.
But all of that forced thought still couldn't submerge the the Donna-sized life-buoy that keeps peering its vibrant little head over his crystal clear waters.
The buoy that screamed; this is wrong.
Only when he's fully out of sight does she let herself breathe. And let her body catch up to her mind as her lip trembles and her pulse pounds against the inside of her skin, as if desperate to escape her and run away from her thoughts, just like she was.
She inhales deeply, forcing herself back to an inward state of calm, in hope that the outward state would follow.
She was the one who let him go, she has to remind herself. She chose to lie. Or not to tell him the full truth, the hard truth. Whatever way she worded it in her head, she still chose not to tell him that she felt every ounce of love that she was physically and mentally capable of possessing, when she kissed him.
But she chose to lie.
For him.
Because he wasn't ready.
And after watching him head out that door, she's not sure if he ever will be.
…
Harvey pulls out a chair for his mother, a shy smile curling at his lips as he watches her sit into the window table he reserved for them at Carbone. By the time he turns around to Paula, she has already seated herself down, so he sits in between them then too.
He doesn't fail to notice how unnatural the atmosphere feels and he can't blame it on the music -because it's jazz, or the lighting -because it's not too bright and not too dark.
He hasn't failed to notice how inquisitively, and perhaps even cautiously Lily has been eyeing his girlfriend since they met some ten minutes ago. A look he finds oddly familiar at first. One he has seen a thousand times before, but from a different observant woman in his life.
The anxious lawyer clears his throat while Paula picks up the menu, desperate to put something between her and his mother's glances.
Lily had smiled when she first met her. Until about two minutes in when she could see Harvey awkwardly shuffling on the spot. Like he was afraid to look at her lest she catch him out on a lie. Unbeknownst to her, yet, that lie was who Paula was.
He knew she would assume that this was 'someone very special' now. Why wouldn't she? When they spoke six months ago he had been the one to bring that certain someone up after all.
But the woman had a great gut instinct, and although this small blonde seemed nice, she didn't reflect that same sparkle that she saw in her son's eyes when he spoke of her that day, albeit briefly.
But, she was open to being wrong. Almost hoped that she was, and maybe she wasn't sensing the chemistry between them because they had had a row before they all met up or something. Because all she wanted was for him to be happy, and commit to what he had feared all his life because of her own secrets and lies -a healthy, loving relationship.
Harvey clears his throat, pulling his chair in under himself before he smooths down his already perfectly silky-smooth tie.
"So, we ready to order?" he asks after an appropriate amount of menu-ogling time.
"Yeah," Paula smiles, closing over the menu, "I'll think I'll go with the usual."
Harvey inhales, feeling like the shittiest boyfriend in the world, and quickly scanning the inner archives of his brain for her favourite foods. But all that comes to mind is shitty Thai and Chunky Monkey and -wrong woman.
"Which is..?" he drags out, wincing his face into a sheepish, sorry-ass smile as he looks at her.
Paula glances at Lily in somewhat embarrassment, lowering her chin next as she eyes the table before inhaling and forcing a nonchalant chuckle. "Carbonara, Harvey."
"Of course." he nods, smiling at her to reassure her it had just slipped his mind, when really he's not even sure if he had any recollection of her ever eating pasta in front of him. Instead of questioning why he doesn't know these things - or more accurately, care to remember these things - he turns to his mother.
"You?" he smirks.
"I think I'll go for-"
"Don't tell me," he chuckles as his eyes scan the menu, a memory suddenly hitting him, the wave of nostalgia birthing a dopey grin across his face, "minestrone?"
Lily double-takes him, lowering her gaze at her son to peek at his beautiful features from under her glasses. She notices how much he has aged. Over the years of course, almost never seeing each other over the course of twenty years would definitely mean that he has noticeably changed. But more specifically, since he last came to visit her in Boston. She wonders what deepened his age lines and darkened the skin under his eyes.
"You remembered?"
"Of course, mom. It's your favourite dish." he smiles at her. "You used to make it for me and Marcus every Friday. 'A special treat for getting through another week at school.'"
"I thought you didn't like it!" she laughs.
"I did, I was just a moody kid." Harvey reassures her in a deepened tone.
Lily beams, the corners of her eyes crinkling with mirth, both of them smiling at one another before they remember the third party. She turns her head to face the woman smiling opposite her.
"So Paula, are you a red or white kinda girl?" she inquires with an exhaled breath as she looks through the drinks menu, trying to sound as interested as possible.
"Red." Harvey answers, before looking over to her, his happy expression taking a turn when he notes that familiar, analysing expression staring at him, wrinkling the lines in her forehead and around her nose. He swallows.
"White actually." Paula corrects with a subtle sigh, trying her best to seem unscathed. "But I think I'm in the mood for a gin and tonic tonight."
Harvey quietly nods, his mind purely taken over by wonder. At why he was getting everything wrong. Why he was suddenly realising he didn't know all of these little details about her, when he so clearly thought he did. And why he was inserting all of these details, that seemed to belong to someone else, onto her. He couldn't make sense of it, so like always, he shrugs it off. Buries the thoughts deep in his mind until enough soil is covering them over. The thing is, even though they become invisible on the surface, they're still taking up space. They're always there. Nagging away at him. Causing a migraine and weighing him down.
Lily subtly furrows her brows, looking between the pair as they stare down at their menus once more. Pretending to be interested in their contents even though they knew exactly what they were ordering for when the waiter decided to return.
"So.." the older woman begins, leaning into the table as she folds her arms out in front of her, "how did you two meet?"
She figured it would have been an easy enough question for them to answer. Something to get the blonde talking too. But when she's met with an awkward expression and glances to her son who looks like he's just seen a ghost and swallowed a frog at the same time, her gut screams 'not someone special' once more. She wonders if they even remember how they met. Why else would they both be stalling and looking to one another in hope that the other answers first?
Lily gives up then, cocking her head at the pair, she can't not dig around any longer. She wants to be proven wrong, that Paula is the woman she needs to be thanking. After all, even Donna seemed to imply as much earlier.
"Surely," she looks away from Paula, a budding smirk forming as she rotates her head 45 degrees to her right, eyes landing on Harvey's nervous hazel gaze, "one would remember where he met his 'special someone'?"
Harvey sits up immediately, about as subtle as a gun as he tries to change the subject, desperately. "Where's the damn waiter? How hard is it to get served around here?"
He cautiously chances a glance towards Paula on his right, a sickening motion unsettling his stomach as he sees her smiling sweetly at him. She thinks he's embarrassed because he told his mother that she was his someone special. His guilt grows ten fold, so much so that even the thought of eating a meal right now makes him want to barf.
"Harvey.." she says softly with a light tease to her voice, "I didn't know you were so sweet."
Do you two know anything about each other? Lily wonders silently.
He swallows again, his saliva is thicker now, yet he still feels incredibly dry after he gulps. He wants to evaporate into thin air. Not before he kicks himself in the face however, for ever thinking this would be a good idea.
But he wasn't left with much choice when she phoned him up last minute, having heard from Marcus what Harvey went through last week with his father's records, being forced to retire his hero's legacy. So she decided that she would meet up with him this weekend during an art history trip to the city with her class, knowing she'd be waiting forever for him to come to Boston. She wanted to make sure he was doing okay, and get things progressing on their rekindling relationship. But she would be flat out lying if she said she wasn't curious to meet the new woman in his life.
"Mhmm," Lily hums, nodding at the woman, "he was secretive, but he was on cloud nine when he told me about you."
"Cloud nine?" Harvey frowns, amused and weirded-out by her choice of phrase. Again, not daring to question what it meant that his mother thought he was on cloud nine when he was talking about Donna Paulsen.
"You were practically floating, son!" she muses with a chuckle. "That look in your eye!"
That's when his heart sinks. He knows Paula caught it.
"Look?" she quizzes with a sudden unease as she moves closer to the table. "So this wasn't a phone call then?"
"Paul-"
"A phone call?" Lily laughs mockingly towards her son. "I'd have more chance of winning the lottery than getting a phone call from this one.."
"I'm sorry," Paula swallows, "I'm confused?" She only looks at Lily, Harvey's silence and defeated demeanor telling her she best hound his mother for answers. "I didn't know you two had met up recently?"
"If you consider over six months ago recently." Lily scoffs.
"Six months.." Paula nods slowly, eyes staring into the jug before her as she quickly does the simple math that even a toddler could fathom. "Interesting.." She purposely lets her gaze fall on Harvey as he watches her scrutinize him the very way he hates.
He suddenly feels as though his seat is a long, cream couch and the dark walls are now decorated with matching, creamy interior instead, and he's got an hour to confess all of his secrets and sins.
"How so?" Lily quizzes.
"It doesn't matter." Harvey mutters, shuffling in his chair as he looks behind him for the waiter he was most surely not tipping as handsomely as he usually would now.
"Doesn't it?" Paula calls to get his attention back on her. Her blood heating up as her skin begins to feel as red as her dress.
"Can we just stop with the twenty questions, mom?"
"Alright.." she defends, waving her palms upright in one quick motion as her brows dart upwards in bemusement, "I thought it was a pretty standard question, but okay, I'll just not know anything about the woman my son is dating then."
"Mom-"
"I'll tell you," Paula frowns with a mirthless smile as she eyes Lily, who's looking at her confused at the pair of them, "about me."
"Paula." Harvey tries.
"Seeing as Harvey here clearly hasn't said a word about me." Her voice tries not to crack but when the reality of her realisation hits her fully, the latter half of her sentence is quickly trembling.
"I'm sorry.." Lily breathes out, now sure she was right, but somehow both happy and saddened that she was. "I didn't mean to…" She doesn't know what to say and trails off.
It's not even that he hadn't told his mother much about her, other than the fact that he was dating her. Or the fact that he hadn't told her that he had so recently had a 'someone special' in his life so soon before he asked her out. But the fact that, that certain someone was probably a certain redhead, that he wasn't even dating at all.
"We met at therapy. He came to see me."
"Paula." Harvey warns.
Lily frowns in bewilderment at the angered blonde's revelation before she continues.
"I was his therapist. And a year after he last came to see me, he asked me out." she informs, raising her chin.
Suddenly the atmosphere is undeniably tense. Too heavy and awkward for the three of them to carry on like nothing had happened.
Maybe she could have sucked it up and stayed had it not been for the last few weeks. The news that Donna had kissed her boyfriend and he supposedly wasn't affected by it. Although, her better judgement screamed otherwise. But he came knocking on her door with romantic declarations and sweet talk and she folded all of her cards to fall back into his almost-professional poker playing arms.
She was far too inwardly distraught to sit there any longer with all of this mulling over in her head. She clears her throat and looks to Lily with the sorriest smile she can muster with such painful thoughts and insecurities now shaping her mood.
"It was lovely to see you, Lily. But I'm actually going to head home for the night. I think I've lost my appetite." she says with an added tone towards the end as she side-eyes Harvey.
"Paula, you don't have to-" he frowns up at her as he watches her stand up, before she talks over him.
"I'll see you back home, Harvey." Her voice implies that she isn't finished with this topic and wants to wait until they're alone to discuss it. She gathers her coat and bag, sending Lily one last awkward smile before she exits.
"Aren't you gonna go after her?" Lily quizzes.
"She's not running away mom.." he growls, "she said she's going home."
He frowns lightly as he sets his jaw, thumb absentmindedly fiddling with his napkin.
His frown remains as he wonders why she used the word 'home' when she had turned down his offer to move in with him. Why was she calling it home? And why was he suddenly annoyed at the fact?
Lily recognises his silent sulking all too well and decides to give him a breather before she starts again. Knowing this increases her chances of a more positive response from him. She breathes out one more time before removing her glasses from her face, letting them hang over her chest by their string.
"Harvey. Listen to me." she sighs, scooting closer to him as she tilts her head to examine his broken features. "I don't know who that was. But I now know for certain that she wasn't the woman who convinced you to come see me. I mean, my gut told me as much from the second I saw you two together."
Harvey tests his last ounce of denial, because what else would he do after thirteen years of practicing the act?
"You wanna know who that was, mother? That was my girlfriend. And now I'm in the dog house thanks to you."
Harvey reverts to silence again, causing Lily so sigh, again. She scans his face moments later, she sees how his eyes lower in defeat, his jaw loosens and his brows are only lightly knitted, as if what he was thinking of was too painful to fully show. Now is her chance to call him out.
"It's Donna, isn't it?"
His face is blank, ghostly, and his mouth gaped in surprise when he looks back up at her. "What?"
"You two aren't just friends -or colleagues, or whatever the hell you might call it, are you?"
Harvey just stares, brows furrowing with shock.
"That's right. I know all about her, son." she smiles innocently.
"How do y-"
"You may have not talked to me but.. I talked to your father and he talked to Donna." she informs him, a warm reminiscence in her tone.
Harvey allows himself to relax somewhat and smirk. Remembering the stories the redhead used to tell him about Gordon and his phone calls. And how she would tease him by saying his dad had a thing for her. And how he himself would wonder if he actually did, because who in their right mind wouldn't?
"He used to joke about how he was gonna make your secretary fall in love with him, by his mere voice alone."
"Don't tell me he sang to her?" Harvey cringes.
"No.." Lily chuckles, "well, I wouldn't be surprised."
"No..either would I." he muses fondly.
Lily stares at him then, so confused as to why he seemed so docile when it came to his personal happiness. She has her guesses, many of them to do with her, but they had begun to repair their relationship, buried their burdens, so this didn't add up as far as she was concerned.
"He'd want you to be happy, you know?" she chances after another moment of silence.
The corners of his lips crack upwards in spite of his face as he stares at the table. "I know."
"Are you?" she asks with a sweet concern before he catches her eyes again. "Happy?"
"I guess." he mumbles.
Lily sighs, his answer feeling like a punch in the gut.
"If you have to guess…then I'd say the answer is really no, son."
He looks back at her and catches her lips press together into a pitiful smile that he can't stand any longer. He impatiently waves his hand in the air as he catches eyes with the waiter, gesturing him over to signal that they're ready to order.
"Harvey.." she sighs, half-afraid to bring up the unethical elephant in the room, "your therapist?"
"Mom, we're gonna eat now. Okay?" he warns lightly, clearly returning to anti-emotion Harvey.
"Okay."
She knows not to test him further, for now.
She also knows she's not finished bringing up the redhead.
Not by a long-shot.
.
As they step outside the restaurant, wrapping their arms against their bodies in the light nighttime chill, Lily looks at him to try and decipher his state of mind. She figured they had time to kill while she waited for her cab back to Boston, courtesy of Harvey. And she wanted to bring up his love life -or more accurately lack of love life - once more before she left.
"Are you in love with her, son?" she asks softly, cutting to the chase knowing time wasn't on her side. Time until her cab came, and until he would shut off to her.
"Mom, it's been less than four months." he rolls his eyes, glancing out onto the busy street.
She smiles almost sadly, her pupils examining him, and how lost he was considering he couldn't see what she meant.
"I wasn't talking about her." she says softly, gently even.
He sends her a disapproving glare then, cocking his head in annoyance. Yet his fearful eyes told her she should keep prying.
"Harvey, I saw the very same look on your face the day you mentioned her back home, as I did when I saw you two together in your office." She gives him a second to hear her words. "A mother knows."
"What do you want me to say, mom?"
It was oddly relieving, she was the one person he could let his Donna-walls down slightly in front of, because she didn't live in his world. There was no risk if he told her things. Admitted things.
And even though his words weren't overly telling, he let his body language do all the real talking. Shoulders lowered in defeat, face drawn out, eyes shaking lightly.
"Nothing." she smiles. "I just want you to be happy."
He looks at her again then, sheepishly. Swallowing back as his jaw clenches.
"And I don't think you're going to be very happy if you stay headed down this road."
"I can try." he blurts out, hands flapping against his sides. "Who am I if I just give up?"
"You're human."
He tilts his head at her, tears almost brewing under her lower lids, unable to watch him in such clear inner turmoil.
She sniffs back, inching closer to him. He glances over her head, watching her taxi pull up onto the kerb behind them before her voice demands his attention again.
"Harvey," she starts, worried this may set them back a bit, "I'm not here to lecture you but," she sighs, trying to dilute her anger at the following fact, "she was your therapist."
Harvey shuffles on the spot, jaw hardened, nostrils flared, clearly uncomfortable with broaching the subject as his eyes dart away.
She just follows his gaze with her head until she has his eyes again.
"I don't care what the laws say. She was supposed to help you. Not shack up with you."
"Mom.." he warns, agitated by what she was making him realise. "Your cab is here."
Lily looks behind her before turning her head back to him, completely focused on him still.
She's pulling him in for a goodbye hug with her next breath, as if trying to squeeze sense into him.
"I hope you see it someday, son. Before it's too late. And you lose what you really want."
He buries his head in the crook of her neck, showing his full vulnerability over the subject, only when he knew she couldn't see him.
"Goodbye, mom." he says hoarsely as they break apart. "Safe trip home."
She nods, her arms still holding his biceps as she strokes him. "Visit soon."
"I will." he whispers, opening the door for her, sending her one more sweet smile before she slides in and he slams the door shut, eyes trained on the cab while it takes off down the street as he spaces out for a moment or two.
His special someone claiming his thoughts entirely.
...
Harvey pushes open the door to his apartment. Not much light greets him. The dull atmosphere inside matches the one in his mind. It's too quiet and he hates how he can hear the floor creaking underneath his cautious footsteps.
He'd never dreaded going home before. Because he was always going home to an empty home, a safe haven. Of course, sometimes he didn't enjoy going home. Especially when it meant having to say goodbye to certain people at the office, just to spend the night alone -unless he had company of course. But he had never dreaded it.
However, he knew she would be there waiting this time. Ready to pounce. He didn't like feeling as if he was prey in his own den.
He meets her gaze once he nears the end of the hallway. She's sat on the couch. The fire isn't lighting. Just one of the lamps keeping the darkness at bay. He approaches her, trying his best to act normal, like he had nothing to confess, nothing to be ashamed of. The latter was true though, he wasn't ashamed. Maybe ashamed of keeping it from her, but that was all.
"Paula."
"Don't, Harvey."
"What do you mean 'don't?'" he frowns.
"I mean, I don't wanna hear it." she hasn't looked at him yet, staring off into the empty fire place as she stews. "You only want to talk when you're getting yourself out of a predicament."
"That's not true.."
He sits down opposite her, seeing as she won't look at him, his back to the wall. He tilts his head at her until she looks at him.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Paula quizzes.
"I didn't think I needed to? I went to see my mother months before we got together."
"Not that.." she frowns lightly, trying to remain calm, "you didn't tell me what persuaded you to go see her," she inhales then, looking him dead in the eye, "or rather, who."
"What does that matter?" he murmurs, his jaw setting slightly.
"It matters, Harvey, because the other week you came to my office to try get back in my good books, after the situation between you and Donna drove us apart. And you told me I was the one to make you see sense with your mother 'not Donna'."
"Pau-"
"I never even brought it up! You did! Why would you feel the need to lie about it, when you could have just said nothing?" she asks in confusion.
"I was tryna make things right between us!?"
"By lying to me?"
"I wasn't lying to you, Paula." he says, a fresh annoyance in his tone now.
"What would you like to call it then? A manipulation of the truth?" she scoffs, knowing his lawyer brain would try get him out of this.
"You did help me with my mother-"
She cuts him off yet again. Only one thing on her mind. One person.
"But someone else convinced you to go see her! 'Someone very special' if I'm not mistaken?"
Harvey sits back slightly, frowning at her with parted lips.
"You already know I care about her, Paula. Are you jealous that I called her special now?"
"I'm not jealous." she sighs before her voice falters. "I'm threatened."
"Of what?" Harvey asks gently.
"That look in your eye." she sadly smiles as he lowers his brows even further. "The one your mother said you had when you mentioned Donna."
He has nothing to say. He looks down, shuffles a bit before clenching his jaw. Until the silence becomes too much for him.
"It was before we were even together.." he mumbles hoarsely, feeling like it was a sorry-ass excuse.
"That's beside the point, Harvey."
He watches her shaking her head at his apparent obliviousness to the exact reason for her insecurities.
"So what is the point then?"
"That whether you were aware of it or not, you flat out lied to me about what convinced you to make things right with your mother."
Her therapist-tone is returning, making him feel even more uneasy about the entire situation.
"I didn't lie." he reinforms her, slowly. Becoming quite agitated about being called a liar.
"Like you didn't lie when you came home the night Donna kissed you? Or when you had the chance to tell me that the two of you had slept together in the past, but didn't?"
He half regrets letting her walk out of the restaurant now. She has clearly had too much time to think all of this over in her mind. She had an answer for everything.
"That's not th-"
"Don't even try to say that's not the same as lying. Because to me, it is!" She holds her hand to her chest as she points to herself, trying her best to stay calm.
"What do you want me to do, Paula? I can't take it back."
"I want you to realise that secrets and lies have become a huge part of our relationship," she exhales before continuing, "and they all start and end with Donna."
He doesn't want to add to his lies and say that's not true, when he knows it is. He lets out a deep breath. Another lie of his pops into his head that he feels sick about, especially with her cold blue eyes trained on him.
'That doesn't mean I want more.'
Maybe I am a liar, he thinks.
He feels uneasy. Like he knows where this is going.
"What do you want me to do, Paula? I've already told you, she's very much apart of my life, and I like having her in my life." he reiterates from his speech to her about a week prior.
Paula inhales, releasing a long, deep breath.
"I don't want you to do anything, Harvey. You're a grown man and can make your own decisions.. All I'm saying is.." she trails off, prepared for this to all blow up in her face.
"What?"
She takes in a deep breath before swallowing.
"If you keep working with Donna.. we won't survive."
He bows his head, eyes shut in disbelief, even though he could very much believe this was where tonight was headed. So it was probably more disappointment than anything.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean.." he grumbles, thumb and index now massaging his temple.
"She's too embedded in your life, Harvey." Paula explains, her voice softening somewhat. "There isn't room for the three of us. Not with how the two of you do things."
"That's not true, we've been fine up until.." He realises what he was going to say, sheepishly looking away from her.
"Until you kissed." she finishes for him.
"She kissed me.." He sounds like he's trying to convince himself of that more than he is her, and it only stings her even more.
"And what about our first disagreement?"
"What about it?"
"Donna, Harvey! It was about Donna! And you not being able to tell her about us." She waves her hands about as she speaks, amazed he needed so much explanation. "And here we are again. Arguing about her. That's three times now, in as many months!"
"Are you seriously suggesting that I fire her?" he narrows his eyes at her, protective-mode almost in full swing. "Because then you don't know me at all."
Paula sighs, fed up and tired of going in circles. She stands up and collects her bag, looking down at the shadow of a man she thought she knew so well. She probably should have ended it right then and there. But her own demons wouldn't let her, for whatever reasons.
"I'm not suggesting anything," she corrects, eyes cast down at him as he looks up, "I'm just stating the obvious. And I can't do this for much longer. Not like this, not anymore."
He doesn't even have the energy to stand up, to convince her to stay, that she has this all wrong. He just waits for her next words, which he's pretty sure he can guess.
"It's me or her, Harvey."
She doesn't wait around for an answer. She knows he needs time. And also, she's not sure if she's ready for his answer right now. Petrified, with good reason, that it's not going to be the one she hopes for.
He forces his eyes shut after hearing her ugly ultimatum. All he registers other than his heavy heartbeat are her heels clicking against the floor and the latch of the front door opening before she shuts it behind her.
Hadn't she left, he knows what he would have told her. Or what his face would have told her for him. Straight away. That he's not cutting Donna from his life, and anyone that cared about him wouldn't ask him to do that.
But she did leave, and naturally other thoughts had time to set in then.
Angry ones, bitter ones, resentful ones.
But he's not entirely sure he's focusing them on the right woman.