The only reason Hiccup was at their company Christmas party was because his boss had basically threatened (jokingly? He could never tell) to fire him if he didn't show up. That was the only reason. It wasn't that he didn't like being social, no matter how awkward he was when it came to the impossible art of socializing. It wasn't that he didn't like getting out, especially now when he rarely left the house anymore.

Hiccup drew in a breath and released it heavily, cheeks puffing out. He pressed himself further into the corner and bowed his head, trying his very best to hide without appearing completely strange. He'd already told his boss he was here, so there was no reason to remain visible. He didn't want to go home any sooner than he had to. Never mind that the longer he stayed out, the more violently his stomach began to flip and his palms began to sweat. He could handle the feeling of impending nausea.

He couldn't handle having his head smashed against a wall because he hadn't answered his phone.

Speaking of, the stupid thing vibrated in his pocket. Hiccup grit his teeth, steeled himself, and pulled it out, already knowing what he'd find.

Where are you?

A shiver ran through his frame and his breathing began to quicken, chest feeling alarmingly tight. Oh God, if he had a panic attack here, there was no doubt they would call an ambulance, and if he went to the emergency room they'd find-

"Hey babe!"

Hiccup's ears pricked and he looked up from his phone, and as soon as he saw who it was, a warm, languid wave of calm and relief washed over his trembling heart, stilling his writhing stomach and loosening the noose around his throat. The pet name made him smile involuntarily, and he felt it reach his eyes. She was so affectionate with the few people she really cared about, and Hiccup felt blessed to be one of those people, no matter how much it terrified him at the same time.

"Hi Astrid!" he replied, pocketing his phone firmly and ungluing himself from the wall, though he couldn't bring himself to fully meet her eyes. It was a horrible habit, one he despised he had developed.

"What do you think of my dress?" she asked, mock posing for him. She looked so ridiculous that Hiccup couldn't help but laugh.

"It's really pretty," he said, nodding, "But not as pretty as the girl wearing it."

He knew he shouldn't be flirting, but he couldn't help it. Astrid always made his face heat pleasantly and his belly tingle like it was filled with champagne. She made him feel warm, welcome, and comfortable. He wondered often if he made her feel the same way.

"Oh aren't you a sweetheart," Astrid simpered mockingly, "This old thing came from the thrift store. I'm not pretty, just cheap. Also I haven't showered all day."

"You are too pretty," he insisted, and he suddenly felt his phone vibrate again. He tried hard to stifle the flinch that resulted, and quickly peeked down at the screen in his pocket.

WHERE ARE YOU? You better answer

"Look at you though!" Astrid was saying, walking up to him and passing her eyes over him, "You're so handsome! Some people have all the luck. It's not enough that you're smart, you have to make all the girls in the office drool too."

Hiccup laughed nervously, looking up from his phone. His neck felt uncomfortably hot while his extremities were freezing. "I'm really not smart. And there's no way anyone would think…this is attractive in any way." He gestured to himself. "Anyway, I'm not much fun to be around. I'm surprised you chose to say hi to me, I'm really not worth wasting your breath on."

Astrid just gave him a comical look of disbelief and shook her head, stepping a little closer. She was so close now Hiccup could smell her delicious perfume, see every one of her freckles on her face, the reflection of his face in her eyes. She looked so soft, so happy, so receptive and sweet and…

…everything Hiccup had ever wanted before Heather had utterly destroyed him as a person.

"What a pack of lies," she said, something in her tone shifting, "I think you're fun to be around. And I also think you're very funny, and kind, and sweet"-

Hiccup lowered his eyes to the floor, smiling and shaking his head. Tears pricked at his eyes and his heart stuffed itself in his throat. He would have a hard enough time believing those things two years ago; now it was impossible to when all you heard every other day was how worthless you were and how no one would ever love you except for me. No one else would want a whore like you. Oh god, grow a pair and stop crying you wuss, be a man-

"I'm really not," Hiccup said thickly.

"You are," Astrid insisted, "You're beautiful, Hiccup. Inside and out."

His chin quivered and his tears spilled over embarrassingly, his face red. Astrid clucked sympathetically and tentatively touched his forearms. When he didn't push her away, her hands moved slowly up his arms, and then went up to cup his face. Her hands were cool and soothing, and so gentle. Her eyes were filled to the brim with concern, and she was so beautiful and there and saying something about how he really needed to be complimented like this more often, he deserved it…his battered heart couldn't handle it. Couldn't handle how she touched him so carefully, always making sure it was okay with him, how Astrid had always made him feel confused, guilty, wonderfully happy and…like he was worth something. She thumbed away his tears and he gently gripped her wrists, holding her hands in place.

"Don't cry babe, it's okay," she said, "Whatever it is, it's okay. I'm here."

Hiccup took her hands from his face and lowered them between them but didn't let go, unable to meet her eyes. If he looked at her, he might start believing other impossible things.

Like maybe he had found a way out of his own personal Hell.

Before he could react, Astrid had dipped her head and brushed her lips against his. Hiccup's eyes popped open in shock, but he didn't pull away. Astrid pulled back for a second, running her tongue over her lips, tasting him. She must have decided she liked it, because she pressed her lips against his again, and they were warm, pliant, and searching, almost reverent. She was kissing him so tenderly, so slowly and sensually, that Hiccup couldn't help himself; he let his lips go lax and felt them move against hers. A heady flush of warm tingles fizzled in his belly before they singed their way up his chest, his throat, and settled in his head. His breath was stolen from him, he couldn't think, and more importantly, he didn't want to think. He wanted to feel.

Astrid slid her hands up his neck, burying them in his hair. It was an action to hold him in place, a sign of her desire to keep kissing him, something he couldn't believe was happening. Hiccup lifted his hands to caress her shoulders lovingly. She broke away from him again after a minute, letting her forehead rest against his. Her breath was moist on his lips, and Hiccup shivered with delight.

"I've been wanting to do that for a while," she admitted, and he could hear the smile in her voice.

"Yeah," Hiccup said hoarsely, heart stuttering and head filled with fluffy clouds of bliss. He found himself wishing he could freeze time right here so this feeling never had to end, and this moment could go on forever. Astrid giggled and pressed a few more pecks to his lips, as well as one on his nose, and Hiccup finally felt a dangerous surge of affection and hope sweep him away. He leaned forward to kiss her again, intending to hold onto her tight in hopes he would never have to let go-

His cell phone vibrated again, and the perfect moment was shattered into a million unrecognizable pieces. Hiccup was dragged cruelly back to earth, and his heart faded from its vibrant red color back to its hopeless grey once more.

"I should get going," he said, trying not to let his voice shake too much. It took every ounce of willpower he possessed to pull away from the warm safety of Astrid's embrace, especially when he knew the cold world awaited him outside. His heart broke when he saw the confusion on her face.

"Hiccup, what's the matter?" she asked as he began to head to the door.

"I'll see you after the break, okay?" He tried to smile at her, a sweet smile he knew she'd enjoy, but it felt forced and he knew it didn't reach his eyes. Without waiting for her to reply, Hiccup went out the door and raced out of the building, nabbing his jacket and zipping it up as he went. He peeked at his phone and felt bile rise in his throat.

You better be home in the next 5 min or I'm going to find you and beat the shit out of you

Dread choked him on the drive home, and he actually had to pull over because he felt the beginnings of a panic attack coming on. Hiccup shivered and tried not to cry during the whole thing, but failed miserably. He tried not to listen to his desperate wheezes as they echoed in the car, the sound of his body trying to find air and not succeeding. It was the single most frightening thing in the world, and Hiccup could only sit there in the aftermath of the attack with his forehead leaning against the steering wheel, lower back aching and sniveling like a child. In that moment, he really did feel like a child though; he wanted his mother so fiercely that it was a physical ache. He wanted to be a little boy again where safety was an easily obtainable thing. It used to be as simple as crawling in his mommy's lap and hiding his face in her shoulder while she covered him with a blanket.

And then Astrid…oh, she was always so kind to him, ever since his first day on the job. He could tell she was flirting with him from the very beginning, and he really should have tried to stop it, should have said he already had a girlfriend. But when Astrid talked to him, it always made him feel so good, and he couldn't deny that he had feelings for her. And now tonight…

Hiccup shivered violently and couldn't stop. He felt so cold and so very, very alone. It made him want to run back into the building and dive into Astrid's arms. It made the endless craving for a kind word, a soft touch, all the more powerful.

It made him want to hear someone say "I love you" and finally, genuinely mean it.

His hands shook as he started the car and continued home, trying to remember his parents' love and wrap it around his heart like a shield. It was so hard now because they were many states away and Heather never let him talk to them, and he didn't have any friends anymore because she said she was the only friend he needed and-

Oh God. If she found out what he and Astrid had done tonight…

Hiccup choked on another sob and furiously wiped at his eyes. He didn't want his girlfriend to see he had been crying. It pissed her off to no end. Real men didn't cry, she said. Telling her that crying didn't pertain to either sex and that it was a human thing to do wasn't a smart idea, he'd learned.

Trying not to think too much, Hiccup parked and dragged his feet going up the stairs to his apartment. Maybe if he was lucky, Heather would be out and he could have a chance to compose himself. Maybe, he could lay there on his bed with Toothless and tell him about the kiss he had shared with Astrid and how wonderful it made him feel. Maybe he'd have a chance to disappear into the fantasy where he was warm and safe and-

"You told me you'd be home 20 minutes ago."

Hiccup flinched violently and his eyes immediately went to the floor. They didn't move from that position even as he chucked off his jacket and smacked into the door frame.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, "It's snowing pretty bad out there, so I drove slow."

He chanced a peek up at Heather, and saw her shrug. "I suppose so," she said, "But you didn't answer any of my texts."

"I'm sorry," Hiccup shrank back into himself, "I'm sorry. I was talking to people."

Heather laughed, "Oh that's bullshit. You don't talk to people. Who the hell would want to talk to you anyways?"

She stood up from her place at the table and began to walk towards him, and Hiccup subconsciously pulled his head as close as he could to his shoulders and crossed his hands in front of his groin. She only stopped when she was in front of him and stretched her neck out to sniff him. She frowned deeply.

"You smell like perfume," Heather observed quietly.

Hiccup began to tremble in earnest and his stomach dropped like an anvil to his feet. "T-There were lots of ladies wearing perfume there. I'm sorry."

"And you made out with them all? There's lip gloss on your lips."

He reached up and rubbed his lips, feeling the gloss and swearing profusely in his head. He had completely forgotten Astrid had been wearing lip gloss. "I-I…no, I'm sorry I was late, nothing happened, I just"-

Slap!

"You are such a fucking liar!" Heather yelled, "Jesus, everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie, you know that? I don't think you've ever told the truth a day in your life!"

Hiccup's head had nearly been wrenched around from the force of her slap, and he felt his cheek stinging painfully in the wake of it. When he raised his hand to rub it, Heather wrenched his hand down and pulled him forward by the neck of his shirt.

"So who was it?" she hissed. Hiccup just shook his head rapidly and backed up until he hit the wall, trying to make himself seem as small and non-threatening as possible. Hard to do when you were 6 feet tall, but nonetheless in the moment of stress his body was trying pull out all the stops to make him look submissive and hopefully appease Heather's anger; he had practically curled in on himself to protect his soft belly, and lowered his head and eyes so that he didn't make eye contact. His eyes were wide and producing tears against his will, but nothing was making her back down.

Yet underneath the sudden swell of terror, Hiccup remembered Astrid's lovely face, and another instinct long-buried in the male half of the human race asserted itself in earnest: the instinct to protect. In particular, the instinct to protect women, who were smaller and less physically intimidating than men, rose in him in the desire to protect Astrid.

So no matter how increasingly angry Heather's demands to know who it was he kissed grew, Hiccup kept his lips sealed.

Then Heather became very quiet, and backed away from him. "Alright, my little whore," she said, "I think we need to be reminded who our girlfriend is."

Hiccup drew in a breath sharply and his heart all but stopped. He could hear himself desperately saying he was sorry over and over, could feel Heather yank him to his feet and ignore his pleas and his tears. He also heard her growl at him that this was his fault and he had to "take it like a man."

But after that, his brain shut down in an effort to protect itself, and instead filled his mind with happy things to drown out the outside world. He felt no pain, and saw only warmth and light in his mind's eye, only heard his mother singing to him, only felt his father's arms around him, only heard Astrid calling him "babe."

And now, he had the beautiful memory of her lips on his, and his skin held the memory of her reverent touch, and he could pretend that these people were here protecting him when he hadn't a hope of protecting himself anymore.

000

Hours later, Hiccup sat curled up on the shower floor, the sanctuary his mind created finally falling away and exposing him harshly to reality once more. He stuffed his fist in his mouth, trying to stifle his cries and failing horribly. His chest hitched and shuddered and his muscles refused to relax, stiffening against the agonizing soreness in his lower body.

He tried very pointedly to ignore the blood running down the drain.

There were new, bright bruises all along the area between his legs, and he was bleeding from his rear. Heather must have kicked him in the groin several times, because he couldn't sit no matter how gingerly he tried to do so. Sweat prickled along his skin from the pain and his stomach felt hot and bubbled uncomfortably. His mouth tasted awful, and he knew Heather had forced him to eat her out at one point.

His stomach lurched and cramped viciously, and before he could hope to stop himself Hiccup retched right there on the bathtub floor. His back heaved and his ribs shuddered, and between bouts he heard himself begging for his mom.

But his mother wasn't there to protect him. No one was. Besides, Hiccup figured, she wouldn't like what her son had become, this pathetic thing who was too afraid to look anyone in the eye now because his girlfriend didn't like it, who tried to look inside himself and didn't see anyone but Heather.

He didn't even recognize himself anymore.

Toothless suddenly popped up at the edge of the tub, mrrrr-ing curiously. When he saw Hiccup's tears and smelled the blood and vomit, and his fluffy black tail shot up in alarm and he jumped into the tub with his boy, ignoring the water. He placed his paws up on his boy's shoulder and began to purr, licking his ear, trying to make him smile. Hiccup sobbed helplessly and pulled the black cat to his chest, holding him tightly and curling his body around him. Toothless purred on, occasionally turning his head to lick his chin.

"I want to go home," Hiccup moaned, "I want to go home, bud."

Toothless mewed in response, and Hiccup fought against the pain in his body and heart, singing a little song from his childhood and trying to pretend his current self didn't exist.

A/N: I hate it when people say men can't be abused by women. It happens, and it's just as serious as when women are abused by men. Few things in the world make me angrier than domestic violence like this because I've seen too much of it. More of this to follow though.