This story was borne out of watching an all-day MASHathon. My family was commenting how much the Houlihan character had changed during a few episodes. Subsequently there was an interview with Ms Swit where she denied any alteration of her portrayal of the character. I wrote this to 'explain' the change. Colonel Dean is named after my family doctor who is from Maine (I was informed in no uncertain terms that there is no Crabapple Cove) and who had a birth defect corrected by Dr Hooker, who wrote the book MASH is based upon. I know it is standard practice to chop up the paragraphs for readability purposes here, but this oneshot is short enough that I figured it really wouldn't matter either way.
It had been just one week since Colonel Potter had taken command of the 4077. Radar was still sweating bullets, which had nothing to do with the balmy weather. Hunnicutt had gotten another letter from home the previous day. He had also had a patient who'd been shot through the elbow hours later. Seeing the man's guitar tattoo, he'd done all he could but the soldier's ulna nerve was destroyed and there was nothing which could be done aside from amputation above the wound. BJ was still feeling sorry for himself. During the surgical session that morning, Burns had needled Hunnicutt several times but it had been brought to a halt when the Captain had later closed the door to the 'Swamp' a bit too abruptly on the Major. Burns had whined that the junior officer had done it purposely. Pierce had intervened by saying,
"One more word out of you Frank, and you'll be eating that door! It is my medical opinion the you could use some additional fiber in your diet. With the food around here it would likely be a nutritional improvement." Burns had sniveled his way over to Houlihan's tent. For her part, the head nurse was in another self-righteous snit after Hawkeye's latest antics the previous evening with yet another 'initiation' of a rotating new nurse. Last night, after the return of the disheveled nurse to the camp, Margaret had gone to confront the camp's new commander. She had demanded that Potter rescind Pierce's appointment as Chief Surgeon and instead instate the next most appropriate candidate who was the ranking surgeon. Peering over his Zane Grey from bed, Potter had replied,
"Denied. Blake made some pretty good arguments when I read over the daily report. As the current Commanding Officer, I'm not of a mind to arbitrarily overturn the command decisions of the previous holder of my position." This had left the Major on a slow burn and during breakfast the next morning, she had fallen back to her surefire tactic of placing a call to General Greenfield. With O'Reilly already off his game, it did not take much for Houlihan to get him scurrying from his domain. Radar had made a beeline for the 'Swamp' but Hunnicutt was still wallowing in his own self-pity and didn't even budge when he dismissed the anxious Corporal. Radar had made the Mess Tent his next destination where he found Pierce and Burns having a conversation. More accurately, it could be described that the two officers were immersed in a snipe session. Burns was desperately trying to pull rank and Hawkeye was barraging him with petty insults. Father Mulcahy was seated near Hawkeye and quietly eating after examining each bite. The good Padre looked up as Radar rushed in and commented,
"My goodness Radar, you look positively flustered. What seems to be the problem?" Radar stammered while straightening his helmet liner,
"Major Houlihan just kicked me out of my office. She was headed for the phone when I left. I know she had words with Colonel Potter about Hawk's appointment as Chief Surgeon. Both of them were miffed about the way the conversation went. She thinks its wrong that he would let someone who is so friendly with the new nurses be in that position. She says its an abuse of power for Hawk to have his cake and eat it too…or something like that." Mulcahy smiled genially and replied,
"I don't know the Colonel that well but in the conversations we've had, he's always struck me as a fair man. I'm sure that he'll do the right thing. The Lord works in mysterious ways so I'm sure whatever happens the outcome will have ramifications we'll deal with whether we like them or not." Burns interjected at this,
"She's likely calling in a favor on my behalf. Looks like there'll be a new Sheriff in town soon." He then giggled at Pierce. Pierce leaned forward and reminded him,
"I never wanted the job in the first place, you pantywaist! I told you then I didn't care and it still stands. The only thing which will change due to the transfer is that our survivability rate will likely go from 98.2 to 89.2 if we're lucky." Hawkeye got a look of smug satisfaction on his face from the insult. Burns sniveled in reply,
"That's not fair! I've only lost 3 patients in the week since Potter took command. It is just luck of the draw that you have had less of them. Its not my fault that those Chinese heathens shoot better at my patients." Pierce paused as if to say something in response to Burns' ridiculous sentiment and Mulcahy stopped chewing and glanced at the Major while trying to make sense of his words. Neither man got to say what was on his mind as Radar paused in his panic long enough to get a familiar look on his face that all were well-acquainted with. The three officers started to stand right as the Corporal announced,
"Uh oh, choppers!" He beat all of them to the door and was halfway across the compound before the announcement came across the loudspeaker. Of all the surgical staff, Potter was the last to arrive. His quick stride got him through the doors only a moment after Hunnicutt's sulking shuffle. As the two latecomers scrubbed in, Hawkeye inquired,
"What gives? We're supposed to lead the band."
"Buzz off, Hawk! Let me do my job." Came the response from Hunnicutt.
"I was across town visiting the motorpool. I wanted to see if Sergeant Luther Rizzo had any ideas for making our vehicles more useful. He gave me a couple interesting suggestions. We are either getting two jeeps and an ambulance or I'm getting 3 versions of his Grandma's favorite Cajun sauce." Potter grinned. The surgical session was fairly routine. It lasted approximately 10 hours. There was the usual banter during the session. The sun was just beginning to set as the session drew to a close. There was the usual post surgery mad dash for dinner and showers. As the pace began to die down, everyone settled down to more mundane pursuits. Potter had just finished dinner and was heading out of the mess tent as Houlihan was entering. She greeted him icily,
"Good evening Colonel." Potter replied tightly,
"Once you are done eating, I'd like to see you in some attire more appropriate for addressing a superior officer. Specifically I want to see you in my office in one hour. Dismissed." He didn't even wait for her to reply when he turned and made his way to his tent. When O'Reilly arrived back in his office after dinner, the Company Clerk found Potter filling out some forms. The two men chorused words to the effect of Radar's echoed: since you're busy, I'll go check out the movie and take care of those requisition forms later. O'Reilly was only too happy to get some space between himself and the office where someone besides himself was doing paperwork. Even worse, he had no clue what the paperwork was. Half an hour later, there was a knock on the Colonel's door. Major Houlihan was nothing if not punctual. Potter called out,
"Come in." Right as the head nurse strode in self-importantly. She came to a stop in front of his desk and demanded,
"You wanted to see me?" Her expression fell slightly when he stood to show that he was wearing his dress uniform, while she was only in a fresh pair of ODs. Potter drummed his fingertips on the file folder on his desk as he replied evenly,
"Is that the way the Army is encouraging officers to report to their superiors? I must have missed that chapter." His reply had the desired effect as she looked flustered as she came to attention and stated sharply,
"Major Margaret Houlihan reporting as ordered sir."
"Much better! I want to get to the bottom of why I got a call from General Greenfield's office earlier." Houlihan got a self-important look on her face as she arrogantly informed him,
"I contacted his office. I left a message for him indicating that as an officer I had serious concerns about the way this post is being run…" Potter heatedly interrupted her,
"If you have ANY concerns, you bring them to ME!"
"I tried to bring them to you and you were not interested. So I went ahead and…" She began but the Colonel shut her down,
"YOU went ahead? Who in blazes do you think YOU are? This is an ARMY post and as the RANKING officer for this company that means this is MY post!" Houlihan's jaw dropped in protest but Potter wasn't finished,
"Fortunately since you only spoke to his aide Colonel Dean, the message never got to him. He and I used to share a foxhole in Guam so he called me when he remembered that I'd just been assigned here as the Commanding Officer. I had him kill the message."
"But I…" She began to protest but it was futile since he interrupted her.
"Furthermore, as the aforementioned COMMANDING officer, I have to decide what to do to resolve this situation. The only thing I can think of is to have you sign this paperwork." The nurse looked at the paperwork and did a double-take. She then stammered angrily,
"These are resignation papers! I will do NO such thing!" The aging former cavalryman matched her outburst,
"Keep going! There are OTHER papers BELOW those!" Houlihan's eyes widened, as she flipped through the papers her temper vanished and a hint of fear peeked through as she decided to listen. Potter lowered his voice to a growl as he continued,
"The first is a Dishonorable Discharge for Insubordination. The second is your confession for theft of Army Property for using the radio without permission during this incident. The final one is your endorsement of Lieutenant Kellye as new Head of Nursing Staff. If you decide not to sign them, I'll have Colonel Dean call the Judge Advocate General right after I place a call to the JAG of my own. I'll also have the M.P.s formally place you under arrest." With an exasperated groan, she grabbed the pen and signed the papers. As she set the pen down, she stared at the papers for a moment and a brief look of sorrow flashed across her countenance. She turned back to the Colonel and sighed,
"There, you win. I guess for pulling a 'Blake' on you, turnabout is fair play so I got what I deserved." Potter folded the papers and slid them into an envelope. He replied evenly,
"Just think of it as an object lesson in how to lead by example rather than leading by 'gotcha'. Just think of me as the Potter and this camp as the clay. A little breakage is just par for the course." He turned and dropped the envelope into the filing cabinet. When he turned back around she was staring at the cabinet with a puzzled expression. He continued with a slight grin,
"There now, that's better, you're learning not to interfere with my decisions. Oh, and speaking of potters and breakage; you EVER pull another stunt like that and I WILL break you! Got that?" In defeat, she murmured,
"Yes sir." A light smile played at her lips as she realized she was being given a reprieve. His grin turned into a smile,
"Good! Now, just to prove I have a sense of humor, I'll allow you to maintain your little schoolgirl fling with Burns as a way for you to keep a leash on his antics. You pursue your other romances on your own time, but when you are on my post you are on my time and you will play by my rules." Houlihan countered,
"But what if I have a legitimate concern about the nursing staff and their function?" Potter shrugged,
"As long as I'm in the loop, you can make whatever decisions you like where the nurses and their duties are concerned. If it has to do with the running of this camp, you will have to work it out with me. I am the final word on the matter though. Should you go over my head again, I will have yours on a platter." He concluded by pointing a thumb toward the filing cabinet. She nodded understanding.
"Now that part is over, at ease, Margaret. We'll go over to the Officer's Club and have a drink together to commemorate this new era of cooperation." Potter encouraged. She concurred as they left the office. As they passed the 'Swamp' Hunnicutt was just leaving and he was grinning widely as he laughed,
"Its his girlfriend! Woo-hoo!" In response to the senior officers' puzzled looks, Pierce explained as he followed BJ out the door,
"It turns out the soldier who had the guitar tattoo got it at his girlfriend's request. His girlfriend is the guitarist for their band and he's the singer. Obviously this has done wonders for the atmosphere of our humble domicile." Potter smiled,
"That's excellent news all around! The Major and I were going to amble on over to the 'O' club and celebrate a new era of cooperation. Join us?" Hunnicutt turned and chuckled,
"Ben Franklin and I are way ahead of you Boss…umm Colonel!" This earned him a dirty look from Hawkeye which encouraged the inebriated Hunnicutt further "Hey Hawk, why don't you spread your wings and join us? I'm already flying!" When they arrived at the building in question, Klinger was behind the bar. He had just gotten done making a deal with Lieutenant Kellye for the Hawai'ian necklace she was wearing. She smiled sweetly at him as he enthusiastically draped it around his neck,
"Max as much of a fuss you put up about that, you'll probably look better in it than I did. Which will break my Aunt's heart. But then war, excuse me…a police action, makes for some strange times." The Corporal grinned as he looked at his reflection in a mirror,
"Madame has excellent taste! Besides this is definitely a war. Believe me I should know, around my section of town in Toledo, we saw PLENTY of 'police action' and it looked nothing like THIS! This…is definitely a war." Burns reached over to grab the drink he'd ordered and chimed in,
"And without this war, you'd both be out of a job!" The Lebanese Corporal got a nasty look on his face but before he could get himself into trouble, Father Mulcahy interjected from the piano at the end of the bar,
"Major, with all due respect (Klinger murmured 'or not' at this), I'd take that kind of unemployment any day!"