Dear Diary,
I have been a Spice Girl for a month and I cannot believe how depressed I have been. It's really taking a toll on me. I think it's the stress, I mean, I already have Clinical Depression. I don't know what they were thinking when they decided to replace Geri with me. The girls keep telling me they're thrilled to have me, but sometimes I think they're not the ones who really made the decision. That was Clifford's job.
Clifford has been right ticking me off too! He's told me we have a live show coming up in five days, it will be my first! He has no compassion on me whatsoever. I told him we should have had more notice, but he doesn't care. All he cares about is money. The jerk. Meanwhile, the other girls are thrilled, they can't wait, but of course they've been through many live shows before, they don't really know what's going on. My best friend Missy who is still in Liverpool, where I come from, says I'm just insecure. She tells me I let my emotions overrule me sometimes and I overreact and assume things that aren't necessarily true. She says she's sure the other girls are happy to have me aboard, although I don't know if I necessarily believe that.
This morning, I woke up on the Spice bus, another restless night of tossing and turning from every bump we hit on the road. I don't know how we manage to stay alert during the day with the lack of sleep we get. Melanie C came to sit with me, since the other girls were still asleep. Mel is always up early, which angers me. How can she be so perky that early in the morning?
"Have a good sleep?" She asked me. I just stared at her with dagger eyes. She knows how much I hate mornings. She still didn't know how upset and freaked out I am about this show. She doesn't know how depressed I've been. None of the girls do, in fact, I hide it. Can you imagine the fifth Spice Girl, Smarty Spice, a depressed individual? I can't tell anybody, the paparazzi would have a field day. So anyway, back to that morning. Melanie was telling me all about what our day would be like. We had to go to a photo shoot, and a publicity party. I didn't care; I just wanted to go to bed. Mel said we had to give off publicity for the show on Saturday, we needed to advertise it. She said the society is really excited because it will be their newest members first live show. I couldn't see why anybody would be excited to see me. This was just luck of the draw. I never guessed when I auditioned to be Geri's replacement that I, a teenage girl from Liverpool, would be picked.
For the remainder of the morning, Melanie C poked me until I finally got up and had some breakfast. The other girls woke up late, which made me jealous. Emma said she thought I looked sad, but I covered by saying I was tired. I've become a very good liar, which is bad, in some ways. I want to tell the other girls my feelings, but I don't want them to think of me as needy, or to be pitied. But I guess I could use a friend. I miss my friend Missy in Liverpool. She would be really great right now, but right now, I only have Emma, Mel B, Mel C and Victoria, and I don't even know how to start opening up to them about everything.
Well, Clifford's yelling away, so I must get changed for this stupid photo shoot. I'll write later.
Until then,
Ally Leopold