„Alfred? Aren´t you supposed to be doing something?" Thomas looks to be in a really bad mood, but I´m afraid Alfred is too dumb to notice. Sometimes I´m really glad Thomas feels that sort of thing towards me. Maybe it´s not what I should be proud of, but I don´t really care. He won´t tell me off and that´s all what matters. He´s even not such a bad person, he has some good days.
„I don´t think so, Mr Barrow, I have some time between the main course and dessert," Alfred smiles and looks genuine in his own way – that way somebody may find cute, somebody annoying and for me it´s a sign of his stupidity. I don´t know what Thomas thinks about him, but I doubt he considers him as a cute person. It´s me he loves, isn´t it?
I know I shouldn´t think like that because it´s really not good. I wasn´t nice to him – I almost ruined his life – and he still loves me. Alfred said Thomas doesn´t let anybody to say a word against me and I really believe him. I admit it – it really flatters me. I´ve never been loved, not in that way. Many girls had a crush on me, but it was just because of how I look like. But Thomas… I don´t think he would love me after everything what had happened if he liked me only because I´m handsome. And I doubt anybody would take a beating instead of me if he only wanted to save my pretty face.
Sometimes I feel bad for being his friend, because we both know it´s a quite unequal relationship. He loves me and desperately tries not to do anything which would offend or bother me because even if he can´t get my love, friendship is much better than hatred. And I? I´m still not sure what to think about him. I don´t blame him for what he did, but I still feel a bit uneasy when I´m alone with him, because I know that even if he tries not to look like that, he dreams about me loving him everytime he sees me. I know he can´t help himself and I´m very glad he tries to keep this in secret. I feel like I´m using him, even though I don´t know what for. I know he offered me to be friends and it made him very happy when I accepted – it would actually sadden him if I didn´t – but I can´t fight the thought the I take something I´m not allowed to have. I really don´t deserve neither his love, his friendship nor his effort to keep the distance. I´m a bad person and I only deserve to live alone. And still I have a man, who loves me, unreservedly.
„Interesting. And do you expect some spiders to come and tell you once the family eats the main course?" Thomas hisses, frowns at him and gives him one of his arrogant gazes. I can hardly hide my smile, so I stand up and go to the kitchen to check the dessert. I don´t really like visiting kitchen because Ivy is really annoying and drives me insane, but I don´t want to be in one room with upset Thomas.
„Hello, Daisy, how are you doing?" I smile at the assistant cook because I know it will make Ivy jealous and Daisy feel embarassed in one moment what is something I can´t deny myself the pleassure of seing.
„In a rush so I don´t have time to talk to you. Could you please get out of my way, I´m trying to work." She replies and makes herself busy with blending of something.
„You can talk to me, I have plenty of time," Ivy senses opportunity to flirt with me, but I really don´t care about her.
„That´s quite odd that cook is busy when kitchen maid is napping." I say coldly. „Is the souffle ready, Daisy?"
„Of course it is, it waits for some footman who has enough time to be bothered by taking it upstairs." She murmurs and doesn´t spare me a look.
„Lucky thing I am here," I say sarcastically and take the bowl. I let the second one lying here – there´s no need to take it to Alfred. I leave the kitchen and return back to the servants´ hall.
„I just thought I could sit down for a moment, it´s very tiring to serve at the dinner." Alfred stands and looks down at Thomas because he´s much taller than him. But it doesn´t matter, he seems absolutely terrified.
„Don´t you say?! So you are tired? That´s really sad, shouldn´t you go to bed and sleep, little boy? Somebody will do your work, don´t worry. It must be bad for you, to be the only one who works hard here." Thomas narrowed eyes and looks straight into Alfred´s.
„I´m sorry, Mr Barrow." He only manages to say. Thomas is opening mouth to say something else, but I think there was enough of it up to now, so I step in.
„Alfred, we´d better take the dessert upstairs. Go on," I say without any expression. Alfred seems relieved which makes me a bit upset but I don´t care about it too much. Thomas doesn´t give me a look, which is really strange. He always looks at me, usually smiles even. But not now, he just sits down, close eyes and hides face in his hands. I place the bowl with souffle on the table and go closer to him. I´m still not very sure with touching him, but I know something worries him and I find myself quite concerned about what´s the matter with him. I´m just about putting a hand on his shoulder and saying something, when he starts to cough. But it´s not the normal cough you have when you swallow something badly or have to clear your throat. This is a very awful sound which almost makes my blood stop. Thomas is obviously ill, I mean seriously. This is not a cold, I´m afraid it´s not even a flu. This is a serious illness.
Thomas stops doing those sounds like a barking dog and embraces his chest with both arms. I see his shut eyes and expression of pain in his face. This is not something he should be just running around with. If only because of us.
„Mr Barrow?" I squeeze his shoulder gently. „I think you should go to bed and have a rest, you´re obviously ill." It´s quite weird to call him so formally, but I´m afraid to say anything inapropriate when Carson can hear it. He hates me and I´m sure he´s waiting for something I say wrong.
He rises head, looks at me and tries to smile but I see he´s really feeling bad.
„It´s okay, Jimmy, don´t worry about me. I´m just tired, I´ll be alright tomorrow." He manages to smile but I´m as convinced that he´s alright as I would be if he told me he could fly.
„Maybe. So go to bed and have a rest, it would be really better. We can finnish this for you later."
„Thank you but it´s not neccessary, I´ll do my work." He smiles and takes my hand in his, as if he absolutely didn´t notice it. That really assures me he´s ill. He´s never done this before.
„I know I can´t order this to you, but I please you. As your friend. Please, go to bed, Thomas. Maybe you´ll be absolutely alright tomorrow, but better be safe than sorry." I hope I said it firmly, but I´m not sure at all. I´m really worried about him.
„I´ll have to ask Mr Carson, I can´t just - "
„You have to ask about what?" Deep voice sounds right behind us. I almost jump in the air. Thomas lets my hand go and I turn towards the butler.
„Mr Carson, Mr Barrow is obviously ill, but he didn´t want to go to bed even though I said him it would be better if he did." I say before Thomas cathes breathe to say something. Yes, he´s obviously ill. He´s not being speechless usually.
„And you´re what, James, his spokesman?" Mr Carson frowns at me as he usually does. I take the bowl with souffle.
„No I´m not, but he really doesn´t feel well and I did want you to know it because he probably wouldn´t tell you and he could get worse and - " I´ve never spoken so fast.
„Thank you, James, I understand. Mr Barrow, go to bed and have some rest. Are you satisfied now, James?" I feel a bit ashamed that he interrupted my speech as if I was a naughty child, but nothing matters if it finally means Thomas is going to bed.
„Thank you, Mr Carson," I answer.
„Well then. And now, don´t you have your work?" he looks at the bowl.
„Oh, sure, I´m sorry." I almost run away. Alfred is chatting with girls in the kitchen. It´s really ridiculous. Daisy likes him, but he likes Ivy who likes me. I know I would be safe if the maid dated Alfred, but I doubt she´d ever do this. I should talk to him about it, later. Daisy seems to be a nice girl even though she´s a bit silly. But it doesn´t matter, he´s worse than her, and at least she´s good and likes him.
„Alfred, let´s go upstairs!" I call and he quickly grabs the second bowl.
The dessert is as annoying as usual, boring and absolutely ridiculous. I really can´t understand this. They will want some tea – of course after dinner – could I please take some into the library? Yes, milady, of course milord, as you wish, be my guest. If only I could ever see any of you working!
I took them the tea and then we had a supper. I was a bit nervous and I think somebody noticed it but nobody asked me, luckily. Daisy asked where Thomas is so I told her he´s not feeling well. Then I realize he didn´t eat.
„Mr Carson? Could I please take some food to Thomas?" I ask afterwards. „I won´t be there for long."
„I´m really pleased you´re so fond of Mr Barrow, James. And I would be even more pleased if you called him properly. But can I please hear why do you care about him so much lately?"
I feel I´m flushing. I hope it´s not too visible, but I know what the butler thinks. He thinks I and Thomas are…are…lovers. Odd is that I don´t see the idea as absolutely disgusting as before.
„He´s my friend and he´s not feeling well. I want to help him get better as soon as possible, what I think you want too." Maybe it was too daring, but I don´t care.
„Don´t be offended, James. You can take something to Mr Barrow, but don´t be here for long, I think you still have something to do." He says and turns around to go away.
„Thank you," I say and go to the kitchen. On the way, I think about what he asked me. Why am I so fond of Thomas? He´s my friend, yes, but what made me speak for so long to convince Carson Thomas should go to bed? I don´t know. And maybe I don´t want to.
„Daisy? Can I get something for Mr Barrow to eat, please?" I smile at her, she´s not busy now so she can´t send me to Ivy.
„Sure. Are you taking it to him?" She asks and turns back the soup and slices some bread.
„Yeah, I am, nobody seemed to do it."
„I´d like to, I forgot he didn´t eat." She answers over her shoulder.
„It´s fine, I wanted to see him anyway." I smile when she turns back and gives me a tray with food. She smiles back and then she realizes it´s me and looks uninterested.
„Daisy, I´m sorry about Alfred. You know I don´t think Ivy´s better than you. And he´ll find out too, he´s just a bit… stupid." I grin. „I´ll talk to him."
She rises and eyebrow.
„Only is you want, of course." I add.
„Of course I want. I just tried to see something bad in it. Sorry." She smiles, sincerely.
„Don´t apology, I know I gave you reason. Agreed then?"
„Agreed. Thanks, Jimmy. I know he´s a bit slow but I like him anyway." She adds something of the dessert on the tray and hides it under some napkin.
„It´s your choice. He´s a good boy," I give her a smile and leave the kitchen. On my way I stop in the servants´ hall and ignore all the eyes which lie on me as I´m preparing Thomas a big mug of tea. I place it onto the tray and go to his room.
When I´m in front of it, I take the tray into one hand and knock on the door. I don´t wait for answer, because I don´t have much time and I want to spend as much time with him as possible. I don´t know why, because before I´d run away right then. Or better say, I´d never volunteer to take it to him. Interesting.
I step in the room and find Thomas lying in the bed. He has closed eyes in for a moment I´m afraid he´s sleeping. I´m about to leave the tray here and get out before I wake him up, but he opens eyes and tries to smile.
„Hi," I say, „I´ve taken you some food and tea."
„That´s nice of you, thanks," He sits up, but I see it hurts him. Of course he doesn´t say anything because he´s not the one who complains about everything –I guess life taught him to accept anything he has to stand and to try to get as much from it as possible. Like right now.
I give him the tray and he puts it on his bend knees. He takes a spoon and dips it into the soup but doesn´t eat anything.
„So how was the dinner? Did anything happen?" he asks.
„Not really. They were discussing some noble topics I wasn´t able to understand." I sit on a chair and it reminds me a lot of the moment when I and Thomas became friends.
„Lucky you. Sometimes the are very concrete and you wish not to hear them," He says and coughs. It´s not as bad as before but everything in my shouts something´s not alright.
„Mr Barrow, shall I call doctor Clarkson?" I sit nearer to him and scan him.
„No, it´s not that bad. I suppose it looks much worse than it really is. Don´t bother doctor with this." He didn´t manage in convincing me at all.
„I hope it looks worse than it is, because you look terrible, no offense." I notice he didn´t eat anything and the tea lies untouched too.
„So maybe you´d better go, I don´t want to scare you," he wants to laugh to show me he´s perfectly alright, but he starts to cough again.
„You´re scaring me right now," He wants to say something, but I don´t let him. „No, I´m not leaving. You haven´t eaten anything yet. I don´t care much about it, I don´t eat when I´m ill too – which only proves you´re really ill - but you have to drink something."
„Are you a doctor now, Jimmy? Shouldn´t I call you doctor Kent?" He has some sparklet in eyes. I love when he does this. I´ve never noticed, but I love to see his eyes sparkle, it makes me feel he´s not unhappy. But not now. He´s ill. My confused feelings can wait.
„I´m not, but you know better than me what to do with ill people. I´m serious. You have to drink."
„I´ve never thought you´ll force me to do something." He says and tries to sidetrack me.
„Mr Barrow, please." I take his hand into mine and it seems so natural it surprises me. „Don´t you want to make me happy?"
„That´s not fair, you know." He says and takes the mug in one hand. I let go the other one so he can hold it properly, but he frowns at me.
„I´ve never said it´s fair. But I need you to get some fluid into you. So go on. You don´t want me to leave, do you?"
I feel bad for doing this to him, for using his feelings against him, but I have no choice. I´ll apologize later. Once he undrestands he will have to drink, he puts the mug to his lips and take some sips of tea. I can see by what he looks like that it hurts him a lot. I feel even worse when I remember my own illnesses but I know it´s neccessary, despite the fact it hurts me for him. After a quite long time – much longer than I should spend here – he places the mug on the tray and then it all puts on a bedside table. I look in it and see he drank half of the tea. I smile.
„You see, I don´t want to watch you suffer. I´m doing it for your good." I take his hand again, gently squeeze it and look straight into his eyes. I´m used to see this adoration in them, but he looks really pleased to see me here, now, more than usual.
„I´m so happy you came, Jimmy." He only whispers.
„The same as me. But I´m sorry I have to go, otherwise Carson strangles me. I´ll see you before I go to bed, okay?" I smile and stand up.
„You don´t have to come here, Jimmy, do you know that?" He asks with a light grin on his lips.
„Of course I know. I´m not coming here only because you want to. I need to see what´s with you. Lie down and have a rest. You don´t have to stay awake until I come here. I´ll check you anyway. It would be nice to see you sleep. You´ve already seen me sleeping - " That was too much. I shouldn´t have talked about it, not now when he´s ill.
„I´m sorry. I´m sorry, I didn´t mean to offend you." I say feverishly, headlong.
„It´s alright, I know you didn´t want to, not after you did so much to care about me. But I hope I´ll be awake anyway, I don´t want to miss an opportunity to have you for myself." He lies down and lets go my hand.
„Don´t struggle sleep. It will make you feel better." I say and walk to the door.
„Don´t worry, doctor Kent," he grins at me.
„Good night, Mr Barrow," I reply and leave the room.