Passion. What an utterly useless emotion. His team was driven by it; Hinata and Kageyama were full of it, but Tsukishima knew it was only going to get them hurt. He knew.
He had seen what passion had done to his family. His father, stuck in an awful job like a caged animal, unable to pursue his dreams. Letting out his frustration and passion on the family- shouting, raging, throwing things. Breaking things. He never physically hurt any of them, and Tsukki was relieved for that much at least, but he would never forget the sound of vase breaking after a particularly rough day at work.
Finally, it had been too much for his father, and he had left them all together. He, his mom, and his brother were left to pick up the pieces destroyed by passion.
He watched his mother- who had admired that fire in his father when they had first met, and who had to endure it when it had turned ugly. She was too kind, too gentle. She didn't deserve this. She hadn't known what would happen. She Smiled bravely for her boys and looked out for them as best as she could.
His brother felt that same energy in himself, and was determined not to become his father. So he redirected it into a sport. He was extra careful to be gentle with Tsukki and his mom, using his passion to train with volleyball instead. But it wasn't enough. He had started too late, and could never make the team.
Tsukki remembered watching his brother, cautiously at first, then finally excited. Relieved. His brother was proving that passion wasn't all painful. He didn't yell like his father had. He didn't hurt others with his drive. Tsukki was so proud of him; for all that he was proving by making the team and playing on one of the toughest schools in their league.
And then he learned. He took his friend to watch his brother play for Karasuno. He had listened to him sobbing in his room after the match. And he learned.
He had been so wrong.
Passion either hurt those who were close to you, or you hurt yourself. There was no good use for it. And so he decided to never make the mistake of being led by it.
It had hurt- no, it didn't hurt. It couldn't hurt if you didn't care. Which he didn't.
Uncaring tears slid down his cheeks.
He kept playing volleyball because it was something to do. He didn't want to be bothered with finding another school activity, and his mom would be concerned if he didn't do anything. besides, Yamaguchi played.
He had ignored Yamaguchi at first- like he did everyone else, unless it was to scoff at their weakness. Maybe he had made fun of him- he couldn't really even remember. But maybe Yamaguchi had seen past his thick wall long enough to realize that wasn't really him. Whatever had actually happened, Yamaguchi was decidedly Tsukki's friend. Acquaintance. You had to care about friends. So he didn't really care about Yamaguchi either.
He let him stay because... there was no fight in him. He was nothing like his father. When those kids had bullied him, he stood and took it. Tsukki could handle Yamaguchi. He didn't have to work so hard not to care when he was around. He could relax a little.
When he had started playing volleyball in high school, it had been mostly been Yamaguchi's idea. Tsukki really didn't care either way. It was something to fill time.
He poked barbs at Kageyama more than he did with most people, because the setter really didn't understand- passion would only hurt him. Hinata was beyond help. Tsukki would almost enjoy watching this team prove his theory right. He would be proud of how well he could handle a loss, because he had never actually expected them to win.
But- things kept not adding up. Sure, they lost to some teams- Nekoma and Aoba Josai, and those losses hurt Hinata and Kageyama. But... they didn't stop. They came back harder, and got better. They came closer to winning every time. Tsukki quietly observed, mildly concerned and curious. Why did they keep taking the disappointment? how much hurt could they take?
And then Suga had come into the game- laughing and hitting people and teasing them. He had even had the nerve to jab Tsukki too. And yet- it hadn't hurt. Startled him, definitely, but then that wore off, Tsukki realized it felt kind of... nice?
They started winning against teams. Tsukki saw Hinata and Kageyama get so fired up over even small points. Eventually, he started to understand. The memories of that excitement, success, and... passion... kept them going through the disappointments. Could it work that way? Could someone sustain that? Or would another loss break them?
Then Karasuno lost to Aoba Josai. Tsukki looked hard for either of them to finally understand what he knew with every fiber of his being. But *hours* later, and they were back, racticing twice as hard. Maybe...
Maybe he could work to achieve a goal of blocks. Not that it was that important to him. He wouldn't care if he couldn't get it. He wouldn't be super excited if he actually reached that goal or anything, but maybe he would test this new theory for himself. Could passion actually help you in some cases? He would watch and see.