I wake up stretching but then I freeze feeling that I'm not alone. I slowly turn my head hoping that it's my boyfriend, my loving, sweet, sweet, kind boyfriend but I mouth my "fuck" when it's not. We had a little falling out last night and I went out and apparently slept with some random guy and now I'm fucked. I love my man, I really do, he's the best thing that has literally ever happened to me and of course, I go and do some shit like this. I'm so glad that I'm not in my own bed.

I reach for my phone and see texts from my man close to making me cry with his apologies but I ignore that for now and order a Lyft. I have five minutes. I go straight to the bathroom after successfully getting out of bed and wipe my lady parts with water on a rag. I then go for my clothes, get dressed– three minutes. I do a quick search, see if I'm forgetting something, anything, I want absolutely no evidence of me being at the crime scene. One minute. I head for the exit and use my jacket to open the door and close it to conceal fingerprints just in time for my driver to pull up.

"Hey, how are you?" Justin asks as I close the door.

I exhale. "I fucked up."

"Been there."

Not helping, Justin.

When I get home, I shower and scrub down five times then call my man. He answers before a full ring even happened.

"I'm sorry,"

"No, don't- don't do that, I'm sorry."

"Where were you last night, I wanted to come over after everything but I didn't see your car."

My fucking car! "I was at a friend's."

"I'm coming over."

"Wait, I'll come over, I just have to shower and then I'll come."

"Okay."

"I love you." I feel so horrible.

"I love you more."

I hang up and fall back on my bed. "Bonnie, you are a fucking idiot and screw up," I grunt and get dressed getting me another Lyft so I can go to the club to get my car. I don't know why I drove there in the first place.

I have myself a pep talk all the way from the club to his house but now that I'm standing in front of his door I can't bring myself to knock. He's going to be so mad at m— the door opens catching me off guard and I see his face a little confused but he smiles and hugs me. I hug him as close as I can and he lifts me in his arms, I wrap my legs around his waist as he carries me inside.

"Babe, I-"

"Shh, we're together now, okay, that's all that matters." He pulls away and moves his forehead to mine. Does he know? Does he somehow magically know that I cheated on him last night? Dare I say he does but it doesn't make sense because he would not be this calm about it.

"Babe, I need to tell you something." I feel him pull away from me but I can't face him.

"What?" He forces my head his way and he reads me. I see the horror in his eyes but I can't bring myself to look away.

"I'm sorry," multiple tears leave my eyes and he pushes me just enough for me to get the hint and I stand on my own two feet. "I didn't want to, I was drinking and I-"

"You lied to me."

"I didn't want to tell you over the phone."

"Tell me what? Admit it."

"I fucked up. I'm a fucking screw up because I- I cheated on you, I slept with someone else." My throat is burning but I keep going. "I cheated on someone who loved me better than anyone has ever had and I'm a fucking stupid idiot who deserves nothing but the complete opposite of happiness- I deserve despair and- and loneliness and sorrow. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm such a fucking idiot." I break down and cry on my knees. So maybe I have a bad past with love and maybe that's what drove me to this- the cheating and the breakdown. Maybe it's because I know that after he breaks up with me I will never find love again. Not this kind of love anyway. The thought of that makes me cry harder and now I can barely breathe but the tears never stop.

"Bonnie, hey, hey," he joins me on the floor and pulls me into his chest. "It's okay, I promise."

"It's not okay," I struggle.

"It's not, but we can talk about it. Just breathe for me."

I try to calm my breaths and it gets easier after a while. My eyes and throat burn and it stings to swallow and blink. I don't want him to see me like this but he looks at me and though my eyes are weak, I look at him back and he frowns looking over my face. "I'm sorry." His eyes meet mine again and I know that everything is not okay.

"Who's the guy?"

"I don't know." My voice barely works and I'm not completely sure if he heard me. My god I feel so weak.

"Come on," he stands and reaches out his hand.

I watch it then try my damn hardest to reach for it but I barely could get my hand off the floor. He lifts me and takes me upstairs to his room and lays me on the bed. I watch as he leaves and that triggers more tears from me because it's too much symbolism to how things would play out. I roll to my stomach and close my eyes. Maybe I should just give up. Move away and keep to myself and die alone so I won't be able to screw anyone else over who doesn't deserve it.

I hear him return and pause before walking again towards me. I hear a glass being placed on the nightstand beside me and I know it's water. Quite frankly I'm surprised that I'm still here and not kicked out leaving me to wallow in my car for the next two hours but then again I shouldn't be surprised because it's Stefan. I could shit on his carpet and he'll still be nice to me. I'm such a fucking idiot.

I hear him exhale then grunt, mumbling under his breath. Something about kicking ass then it moves to him trying to justify my actions. "We had a fight", "she was drunk", "it meant nothing", "she's sorry, was balling her eyes out for fuck sake". It ends when he sits down and I know that he's running his fingers through his hair, not because I can hear it but because I know that's his move whenever he's frustrated. Then it's just breathing. And thinking, and breathing. Will he or won't he. By the time I supposedly wake up, I will be either single or in a relationship where the trust is at zero. Be with a man I love yet have guilt-ridden all over me that it can drive me insane. Him looking at me and not believing when I tell him I fell asleep or that I was actually over a friend's house or when I do go out to the club that I didn't sleep with anyone else. I'm not sure what's worse at this point.

I wake up after I don't know how long. All this pretending actually put me to sleep and I sit up now feeling more strength in my body. I look over to see Stefan sitting on the edge of the bed. I'm scared to say anything so I move a little more gaining his attention.

"I can't trust you anymore."

"I know,"

"I don't know what to do, I-" he sighs. "We haven't even been together for that long so should I just say fuck it and leave or should I give you another chance?" I wait not being able to speak because of the pain in his voice. "Why did you have to do this to me?" He waits this time for me to respond but I'm not sure what to say. What can I say now that I haven't said already?

"I don't know what say. I'm so sorry, Stefan, I'll do anything to gain your trust back. I love you and I know my action didn't show that but I came right out and told you and I didn't hide it, I wasn't going to I- I will never do anything like that again. And I know you can't trust me but I promise I won't. I want another chance, please. Just one more chance."

"Why did you do it?"

I guess that wasn't what he was looking for. "I'm not used to being loved. Everyone I know eventually leaves. We fought I thought you would leave like everyone else so I didn't care. Even though I knew you weren't like everyone else, the alcohol in me made me believe otherwise."

He looks at me then looks away, facing forward again. "Let's just take a break. I need some time to think and adjust."

I nod though he can't see me and slowly get up feeling the familiar numb feeling and walk out. Way to go, Bonnie, maybe it was you all along. I'm caught off guard when I spin and bump into his chest because he tugged on my arm. He towers over me and his hands move to the sides of my face and his eyes on my lips. He looks at me then kisses me deeply and I savor this feeling because I don't know when it will happen again. If it will happen again.

With a broken heart, I get ready for my shift at the diner and I need to put on a smile if I want to collect tips. I'm used to being fake for work so it doesn't take me long to get into character. Acting bashful when men flirt and laugh when people ask if I'm an actress and tell the fake story of my mom being a waitress and how I wanted to follow in her footsteps.

I don't know how I make it, but I do and the last place I need to be is at a bar but that's where I am. I stay aware of how much I ask for and I am so thankful that no one had the balls to come up to me because I wouldn't be so pleasant. I get home and I dread going inside for some reason. It's as if Stefan and I shared this place and I don't want to risk seeing him. Maybe it's just because I don't want to be alone. Should've thought of that before I went on ahead and slept with someone else.

I shut my car off and drag my feet inside until I'm in my room.

"Hello darkness, my old friend I've come to talk with you again. Because a vision softly creeping left its seeds while I was sleeping, and the vision that was planted in my brain still remains within the sound of silence."