Okay, so unless you have the lyrics etched into your head (like me!) or you have a tab with the lyrics open, go do it now. Trust me, it makes more sense that way. Or you can just go to youtube, look up ABBA's version of Mamma Mia and click the browser bar and put in repeater so that it stays youtuberepeater-dot-com/ (...)

I know Zach wasn't my boyfriend anymore. But I guess I still love him too much to lose him. And maybe he knew that too, because he was trying to make me jealous so I would date him again. I let it slide when I walked in his room to tell him I was acting stupid and saw him and Tina sucking face. When I saw him and Anna kissing in the library when I left a passageway, I thought it would be okay, after all, Anna has (or at least, had) her boyfriend Carl. But when I saw him and Courtney walking around, hand in hand, I put my foot down. Not because of them two together, but because of what he said.

"Don't worry, Gallagher Girl," I thought that nickname was meant for me. I felt a pang at my heart. "Cam and I aren't dating anymore. You're my Gallagher Girl, she's just a wannabe now. I promise."

That broke me in more ways than any form of torture could.

I know that, as much as I hate it, I had to attract attention. So I did what I felt like doing inside: I ran out of the room, bawling my eyes out. I knew that would make him stop flirting with Courtney and realize how he hurt me by that and that I still love him.

You're probably wondering why the heck I broke up with him then, and it's a stupid and cliché reason: I did it to protect him. Everyone always gets hurt (but me) if they're close to me. I mean, Bex almost got killed, Macey got her arm broken, Aunt Abby was shot and almost died, Mr. S was in a coma for months, Mom was heartbroken when she saw the way I was when I had come back home and the list goes on. I couldn't stand to imagine what the Circle would do to him as long as it got me killed, so I cut all the ties.

I became more distant from my friends, now I barely talk to them and that means they're safe. I only talk to Abby when she talks to me, and even then, I only say what is necessary. But to get Zach out of danger, I had to do more than just have a petty couple fight. I had to break up with him and leave no chance of us getting back together, no matter how much it hurt.

But if he's flirting with some girls and they think they have a chance with him, I am going to fight back. Zach is mine, and that is that.

Every time I see him alone, I can see just how broken I left him. But of course, no one else can see it, because no one knows him as well as I do, and because no one else can read him easier than a book in Kindergarden vocabulary. The sight of him like that, broken, makes me want to give up on this whole "I'm doing this to protect you" idea and go there and comfort him. But then I hear the rational voice in my head, telling me that if I want him to still be alive to see tomorrow, I would have to stay away from him and settle for remebering good times we had before.

I remember how hard it was on the both of us, our break up. I was tearing up, telling him that I had seen him cheating on me, even if I know he would never. I couldn't help but think how it would be hard for me to see him like that, sad and broken, and not comfort him. It was almost impossible to resist. What kept me sane and away from him was just my stubbornness and my wish for him to be alive.

Now, I think a bit more about what I did. I ran out crying when I saw and heard him with Courtney. Oh crap, now he knows that I still love him, and he's going to try and get involved with me again, I can feel it.

Breaking up with him broke my heart and I've been diagnosed as depressed by my roommates (who don't understand why I'm feeling like this). Those moments remind me how much I need Zach.

Recosnsidering everything, maybe I shouldn't have broken up with him. I mean, it's a fact that love can be a weakness, but it can also be a strength. It can be the thing that gives you hope and the will to go on, and it means someone to comfort you when you're sad. Scratch what I said before, it's not a "maybe". I'm 100% sure that I shouldn't have broken up with Zach. And now? Now I was going to try and get him back. But of course, I'm not sure he wants me back anyways.

Zach had kissed just about every girl in the Academy already, and that not only infuriated me but also made me want to break down every time. It made me so mad because, even if I am in love with him and all, you don't just lead someone on, especially not a sister. And it made me so sad because it kind of means he moved on from me, and I don't want him to move on, I kind of hoped he'd just want to be with me. But of course, spies can never have happy endings.

Both he and I know that I can't stand not being with him for too long or I'll probably go insane. After I had broken up with him, we both had tears streaming down our cheeks, which is a first for him, and then he left and slammed the door. But the look he gave me before storming out was just one of pure disbelief, as if proving what I had just thought, that I need him. I'm not strong enough to cope with this, all the gossip, all the makeup work, all the pressure and all the pain from the injuries. Not alone, anyways. But with him, yes I am.

Just as soon as I thought about how much stronger I was with Zach and I had made my decision of getting back together with him, that stupid voice in my head told me once again that if I want to be able to see Zach alive and kicking the next day, I'd have to stay away from him. But this time, differently from every other, I don't just deal with it, I give the voice's shit back to it (if that somehow makes any sense...) If I want to see Zach alive and kicking, I have to be there with him, because or else I know he won't truly be living, he'll just be faking.

I heard a knock on my door, and since Bex, Macey and Liz were all not here, I had to answer it. It was Zach. He didn't even say anything, he just kissed me full on the lips, and I wasn't sure wether I should kiss back or not.

I decided to kiss back, just as passionately as he kissed me. At the time, I didn't care if it showed him that I did, in fact, miss him. I didn't care if it showed that I still loved him. Because at the time, my mind was otherwise occupied by a certain green-eyed smirking boy spy.

Now I really don't understand why the hell I broke up with him in the first place. All it did was break both our hearts, so why did I do that? Because I'm stupid? Because I'm a selfish fool? I don't know, and to be honest, I'm almost afraid to find out.

I guess we just really can't stay away from each other. I mean, I told him that he cheated on me, even when I know I had made that up, and yet he still wants me. And me? Well, I guess I never stopped loving him. I just wanted to protect him, and instead I only broke him.

I guess it's just this game we play, we break up and get back together. And we always will, because that's just how we are. I guess "goodbye" and "I hate you" really don't mean forever.

We broke away, because even spies have to breathe.

"Wow", he told me. "That was one heck of a kiss, Gallagher Girl." I recoiled at the name, only leaving him confused. "What did I say, Cam?"

"You called Courtney your Gallagher Girl. You told her that I'm just a wannabe. Why are you here then?"

He smiled softly. Yes, he smiled. "Because I love you? Because I was more than broken when you broke up with me? Because I want to know why?"

I pulled him to me and wrapped my arms around his waist. He didn't hesitate to do the same instantly. I spoke to him with my face buried in his chiseled chest.

"It doesn't matter anymore. It was something stupid. I know I am never going to do that again. Like the song goes, 'Yes, I've been broken hearted, blue since the day we parted. Why, why? Did I ever let you go? Mamma Mia! Now I really know... My, my! I should not have let you go."

So, ladies... How did you like my mushy and fluffy-ish side?

Review! Please? For me? For your kitty? For cute little puppies?

Over and out!
~JOZL