Losing Myself
I loved him. I really truly did. So why then did I feel so disgusting?
It wasn't as if I was some easy slut or something. This was my first time. Maybe that's why I felt so empty? It wasn't exactly all I had been everything I imagined. Was I disappointed?
"You alright, Sam?"
Sighing softly and trying to be sincere I looked at him with tired and broken eyes. "I'm fine, Danny."
I know I couldn't be any less convincing but I really didn't have much left in me to pretend anything. Standing from the bed and fighting with my tangled bra straps before eventually just giving up and tossing it away, opting to pull my shirt on instead and wiggling lazily into my lavender panties I looked at my depressing reflection in the mirror. My hand rose up to tame the knotting and dampness of sweat in the back of my hair.
Behind me, Danny sat up, his body still shaky from the aftershock of his orgasm. He pulled the used condom from his now semi-erect penis and excused himself to the bathroom without a word to flush it down the toilet down the hall before coming back and slipping into his boxers. I could see his hurt gaze in the glass while I fixed my hair and as I gave up on yet another thing with a sigh I turned to face him.
"Did I do something you didn't like? I mean… You didn't need to… I didn't mean to make you think you owed me or something… I didn't mean to do that before you were ready." He rambled.
I smiled weakly at his compassion and sincere regret of something he wasn't sure of. Walking towards him I wrapped my arms around him and buried my head in the nape of his neck. "You didn't do anything wrong. I asked you for this and it was good…" I half lied. I had asked and I did not regret any of it but that didn't make it good. I was unsatisfied, my lower body was sore and awkward feeling, and I felt like I was empty; as if something was stolen from me. I felt so used even after the fact that I had waited years to have this with him. Nine months into a relationship and years into a friendship the idea of him taking my innocence felt so right but I still felt like I had just made a huge mistake.
Wrong or right I couldn't help but wonder if I'd be just like Paulina to him. Would he just have sex with me and then we'd part ways? I don't think I could handle that. I could remember how lost Danny was a couple days after that first time with the Latina woman… I couldn't help but feel like losing Danny and what we had would weight so much heavier on me.
"I love you, Sammy…" I whispered softly into my ear, his arms wrapping around my body and caressing me warmly.
"I love you too…" I whispered back.
"I have to go… Please call me if you feel like you need to… Goodnight." I said before walking out the door with a last caring glance.
It wasn't until he was gone that I fell with my back against the door and let quiet tears stream down my face. Was it wrong to feel this was? I wouldn't change the events of tonight for the world but I couldn't help but feel so empty and used…whether I was or wasn't.