Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. The Mediator belongs to Meg Cabot.
Rating: T
Summary: Oneshot. It's been a year since Susannah travelled back in time and the anniversary or celebration of Jesse's 'birth'. But he has one final task to do, before he can fully accept his new life.
A/N: Another idea that came to me last night while I couldn't sleep. I hope you enjoy :)
Laying The Past To Rest...
As I stand on the sand, watching the sun dip and sink below the watery edge, I can't help but feel it was setting on the end of a life for me. The sun's rays are as strong and beautiful as any other sunset I have witnessed standing here on this very stretch of sand. Most spent when I was a ghost and wandering the earth for the one thing holding me back. But the timing of my standing here, listening to the unheard song played to the world as the sun leaves us for the day, it's also deeply symbolic and something important to me.
Susannah was due to join me here soon. I need her by my side to fulfill the final task that feels as though is holding me back. The final action, that will be my last physical reminder, of the life I once lived. That is keeping me from enjoying the act of being 're-born' into a whole new era and a whole new me. And this was to be the thing, that was to make me take that final step on my new journey of self.
It has been one year today, of my subsequent 'birth' and the day I woke up in the hospital, with Susannah staring down at me. An anniversary of a death and a celebration of a birth. A sentiment that leaves me with mixed feelings and emotions. Not sure how to commemorate such an important day to myself and Susannah. Or how to recognize the day, for what it is. But I knew it couldn't go past unnoticed. Not the first year. I could see it as a challenge I have overcome with much pain and much will. Or I could picture it as a new start and new beginning completely. And this being that final acknowledgement of something to have shaped, but not completely made me who I am.
It has been an interesting and sometimes difficult year. The act of coming back to life and becoming re-acquainted with the methods of the living and interacting with all the people and ways of life, was a bigger struggle than I had anticipated. That was how everything seemed to me. A challenge of self and character. A test I didn't remember learning about. But it was the ways of life, I hadn't quite remembered or thought I was prepared for.
I was pitted against people who were judgemental, nosy, blunt and crass. Getting to grips on my own test of strength and patience when dealing with such ornery people, gave me a greater sense of confidence. Befriending the gentler nature of people. Being able to take part and witness the depth of compassion passed on to humanity, was what made the difference in me looking at the world in disgust and throwing my arms wide open to welcome the like minded people.
Most of whom, I had met on my road to learning.
My educational studies took a while to get started. Coming up against issues we hadn't previously encountered. But ones that were easy to overcome once the communication was put right and I was set onto the right track once again. But I threw myself back into the system, with force and enthusiasm. Getting the chance to delve deeper into the subjects that fascinate me. Being able to debate and talk with people who share my passion and hobbies. Having the kinds of friendship, not available to me when I was alive before.
Enjoying the new set of tests and encounters being driven my way. All becoming close to making me spin with the speed and workload. But again, I didn't back down from them. I thrived on the things sent to throw me. I accepted the negative, right alongside the positive. All with a greater understanding and knowledge of the world I was now interacting in. Before I was on the sidelines, watching through a mist covered window. Now I was really here - where I wanted to be - it was an experience I knew was going to take longer to find even ground in, than I believed.
Susannah and I went through our own trials with one another. Coming face to face with the differences between us in our likes and ideals, was almost like a physical blow. We clashed on certain things many times. Often leaving us bewildered and off balance together and in ourselves. Where as I could understand something more than Susannah, she in turn would put my back in my place for situations, I had not met. Our friends would differ and seem to be from completely different worlds. Often threatening to put a wedge between us.
But like most that was sent my way, I held on with gritted teeth. I knew my love for Susannah, was not some passing infatuation. It ran too deeply and too prominent to have all been for nothing. We had faced some of the hardest burdens to bare. We had openly declared our love, only to still have had the possibilty of it being ripped away. We had been close to losing each other, too many times, to of given up on the first hurdle being sent our way. Especially when it became obvious, that the main reason was the material things and issues.
We sought to find a balance. And like most relationships, starting out on new ground, we sought to learn about each other all over again. We knew how the other felt deeply and the passions that streamed through us. We knew each other's character traits and values. We could say what the other is thinking, mostly any given moment. Able to say a thousand words, with only one glance and expression.
But it was learning the small things, we had yet to make ground on. Favourite childhood memory. Why we thought and loved the things we did. What we thought of the small and large issues to plague our lives and the lives of others. Most inconsequential materials and small fears we had not openly expressed before. Like Susannah's fear of my leaving her for another. And my own, that after it all, I still wouldn't be enough to make her happy. Both sharing the fear that after everything, was the fire going to dampen and extinguish. Was it an anti-climax and we were still together, because of the past binding us there.
But knowing in our hearts, it went far deeper than that. Knowing we had nothing to be afraid of. The bond was there because of our adventures and experiences together. But it was set with a deep love, long before the evil had arisen to us.
They were moments every young couple has to face, even after all we had been through. We were not perfect. Far from it in fact. But we were on a solid road of getting us there. With nothing to stand in our way, or drive us apart - save for our petty differences - we were closer and stronger the more we tried and loved.
Which was why I requested Susannah be here with me for this final passage. It was my ascent into fully submerging myself in this life. And the need to have Susannah here, was what would carry me through. As the last rays of our star disappeared beneath the horizon, I could feel her coming up behind me. Her feet treading a light path as she walked across the soft sand to my side. The beach devoid of other life, but for the old couple strolling hand in hand further up the beach. Enjoying the peace, quiet and ancient ritual of a sunset.
Susannah slipped her hand into mine as she stopped by my side. Squeezing it in silent support, of the task I was soon to be carrying out. A beacon of strength, I knew I would be foolish to let go of. I breathed in a lungful of the fresh breeze. Tasting the salt on the air as I released my breath. And with it, any doubts I may of had about doing what needed to be done.
"Are you sure about this," Susannah asked in greeting. Picking up on my hidden queries and own questions pitched to myself. "We don't have to, if you don't feel like you're ready. We can wait until another time."
Smiling at the generosity and understanding Susannah gave to me, I turn to aim my smile for her eyes only. "No," I boldly reply. Confident this is the right decision to make. I have no need for them anymore. I have all I need in my heart. "I need to do this, I think. It's the right action to take. Even if it's just to bring some closure to myself. It's the right time."
Susannah continued to stare back at me for a time. Her eyes searching through my own, hunting for any of the doubt I let out on the breeze and to disappear with the tide leading back out to the ocean. Once she finished her search, happy to see I really was ready, she smiled back at me in return. Lifting my heart with that one gesture. One small expression; that was all I needed.
"Okay." Is all she said. No more words needed other than that.
Turning away from her, I make my way over to the small campfire I have set up in the sand. Pieces of driftwood and large stones bordering the edges of the small placement. Twigs and dry seaweed making up the bed and cushion for the pieces held in the middle. A small container of gasoline sits by the side, already sprayed onto the clearing. Out of reach, should the fire leap and spread suddenly. Although there is no strong wind, the possibility is too high not to take precautions. But there is one piece of garment, waiting to be added to the collection. And I stoop down to throw it on the pile.
Held beneath it, is the attire I was wearing when Susannah brought me back from the past. My pants, shirt, waistcoat, everything. The last remnants of my old life, I still held in my possession. Any material objects I couldn't of burnt, was donated to the 'Carmel Historical Society'. Given to the museum, I still give history talks to the tourists for. Any last traces of my previous life, ready to be given to the fire and thus releasing me from that silent hold, I seemed to be constantly caught in.
On top lay the one handkerchief, Maria had given me. The same cloth and lace I had used, to wrap and aid in the first adventure Susannah and I had endured together. One of many and more yet to come to us. That above all, is something I wish to see brought to ash.
I looked back to Susannah after it floated to the pile. A silent communication passed between us both. A memory long past lived and a forgiveness for someone, who brought us together, rather than drove us apart. Standing to my full height, I take a couple of steps towards Susannah. Letting her finish the distance and stand at my side.
"Shall we?" I ask, Susannah. Taking the box of cooking matches out of my pants pocket and rattling them expectantly. I started this journey alone, but I was determined to finish it, with Susannah every step of the way.
"Yes." She gave me her nod of approval. Her own eyes alight with anticipation, making them dance and glow in time with my own. Not needing any further prompting, than the vocal approval of my love at my side, I slide the box open to retrieve two matches. Striking one, I silently hand it to Susannah. The smell of sulphur wafting through the air and making my nose twitch with the acrid aroma. Not waiting, I strike the one match left in my hand.
Together we stood on the sand, our hands aglow with the quickly burning fire on the end of our sticks. Looking down at the pile of clothes sitting waiting for us. And with one final look to each other, we deftly throw the flames down onto my past. Mesmerized as the flame licks at the gasoline hungrily. The clothes and surrounding area erupting into flames almost instantly. But the fire is contained and only eats at the garments helpless beneath it. The white lace handkerchief shrivels and burns. Turning black as the lace turns crisp and crumbles.
I feel Susannah step up to my side, wrapping an arm around my waist, as my own rests across her shoulders. The glow and flicker of the fire dances across her face. Lighting it in the ever increasing darkness. The warmth from the fire - although a safe distance away - still makes her cheeks flush as she stares enchanted in the rising flames. Her emerald eyes caught and held, as the orange and red glows, skip across the past.
We stand there together, for the duration of the task. Watching as the garments slowly, one by one, shrivel and disappear. Leaving behind nothing but ash and the odd burnt and smouldering lump of metal. That could have been a buckle or a button, but nothing else remains. All is gone. And along with it, the burden and haunting of my past. The only things left, are the memories of my family. Forever sacred and held safe. The dying embers leave a small stream of smoke wafting into the air, disappearing into the night. The warmth of the fire eluding us, with only our own body heat to keep warm.
"It's done," I say unnecessarily. Speaking to myself more than Susannah. But she answers me anyway. Gazing up into my intense eyes, watching the tiny glowing sparks.
"You okay?" She asks, seeming to be a little concerned, though she hides it well. Taking my arm from her shoulders, I turn to look down at Susannah. My eyes only having sight for her now. There isn't anything else for me to focus on, but the girl who has travelled to the depths with me and for me. Who has climbed the highest mountain, to light my day with her smile. I didn't have room for anything or anyone but her.
"Yes, querida," I smiled, watching as she became drawn in by my happiness, directed and focused only on her. "I couldn't be better." And together we turned away from the ocean thriving with energy. The moon anchoring over us both to light our way. And the past, I had just finally put to rest.
A/N 2: Thanks so much for reading, please review :) Peace out!