A/N: Inspired a little by "The Arrangement," a Careese small take on the complicated world of forbidden love. Don't know if I will do anything with this, what with other stories still needing chap updates with limited time, but I had a daydream during lunch break today, so there we go. Enjoy! :-)
After a long day of play, dirty diapers, and finally sleep, John and Joss put Alyssa down in her crib. For a few moments, the two of them stood together and beamed in the presence of their little daughter, a toddler now, a big and bright little girl with her father's eyes and hair, who loved to run and laugh, and who loved her Mommy and Daddy very much. She had had a wonderful day with Daddy visiting, and when she finally sighed contentedly in her slumber, it was only then that her parents raised their heads and slowly looked at one another, the reality of their situation so much more visceral than that of just being parents to this precious child.
"Our beautiful girl," John whispered.
"Yes. She's the spit of you now, John. Before, it was harder to tell. But now? Just like her daddy."
"Beautiful, just like her mommy," he returned, his gaze now fixed on her fully admiringly.
Joss took a deep breath and smoothed back a tendril of her loosely curled dark hair away from her cheek. Dressed in butter soft jeans, a tee shirt and light sandals, she tried to play down her look in front of John. They had agreed to be friends, good friends, co-parents for their little girl, but nothing more. There would be goodwill and partnership between them. For Alyssa, that was the best possible thing.
Turning towards the door, Joss began to walk away from him, until she felt a strong pair of arms around her waist. She could feel his breathing, and his big, tall body was hard and warm against her backside. He, too, was dressed in jeans and one of his trademark white dress shirts, but with a light blue pullover covering it. Dashing, as always. Handsome, as always. Heartbreaking—as always.
She sighed and closed her eyes, half in surrender, but also with a pain in her heart that her head put there, to remind her what happened before, what usually happened, whenever they got too close with their child.
Whenever she forgot her good senses and just allowed her body to feel what his did to hers.
"John...mmm...no...don't...we shouldn't..." she whispered on a throaty sigh, as his arms snaked more forcefully around her body and he made his arousal known against her butt.
"Mmm, yes we should. We damn well should," he murmured against her hair.
"No...we...ummm...ooooh...we agreed we wouldn't anymore...John...aaah..."
"I know what we agreed. With someone else...I could hold to that agreement. But with you, I can't help it, Joss. You keep pulling me back...it just feels so good, so right. You and me, and our baby...just so right...and perfect."
"But...but...what about Zoe?" she managed to blurt out, now that he was kissing her neck and cheekbones, while rubbing tantalizing circles up and down her thigh and belly.
"Zoe..." he repeated softly. At that point, she could feel him slow his movements, until he buried his face in her hair. He was ice still for a few seconds, until he regained some of his composure, though he still did not let go of her. In fact, he nearly knocked her off balance with his steady clutch—but that moment had given her good senses time to recoup themselves.
"Yes, John. Zoe. You've cheated on her, with me, more than once now. Spent nights here Does she have any idea?"
"About you and me? No. At least not beyond the fact that I do come here to spend time with Alyssa, and that you and I have contact in that sense. But nothing else. If she has, she hasn't mentioned it."
"No," Joss said. "That's not her style."
John sighed heavily in her hair, the weight of the world expelled through that breath. "Then tell me, dammit," he said.
"Tell you what, John?"
"Tell me what to do with this. I've tried not to want, tried not to think about how you make me feel every time I'm around you. Every time I lie down and close my eyes to sleep and I see you. In my dreams. In my fantasies. I can't tell you how many fucking times I've nearly called your name out when I'm-"
At that moment, Joss disengaged herself from his grip. Yes, he still had sex with Zoe. Of course he did. He was her husband.
She didn't want to hear that shit. The very thought made her sick to her stomach.
"Joss..." he called after her quietly, so as not to wake their sleeping angel. She had made a whimper and turned her head from the direction it had been in when first laid down.
"John, you need to go," she finally said, turning to him near the baby's bedroom door. "Alyssa's asleep now, and so your free to leave, so...just...leave,"
John slowly sauntered over to her, a look of pain washing over his face. "Baby, don't. Don't send me away. Please..."
"John, no. No, we can't do this. I can't do this. You made your choice when you left me and the baby to marry her. And her, so fabulous as she thinks she is, never thinking that you and I never had anything serious enough, even with the baby, to consider this thing that we do. Now, go. Be married to her. You know I can't take this..."
"Sweetie, please," he said, now attempting to close the gulf between themselves. "Don't say that."
Joss backed out of the room, her hands raised up in a light defense. But John just kept coming, his large torso filling the doorway and then the hall as Joss continued to back up.
"John...go home...go home to your wife..."
"You are my wife, Joss," he said, his voice husky, his eyes glittering green-silver with fixated purpose.
She put her hands up further. "No...no...I'm not. You made your choice. And that wasn't me. Now, go!" She attempted to be forceful, but both she and John knew how much of a farce that was. He kept coming, his arms outstretched as he approached. As she had nowhere else to turn in reaching her closed bedroom door, her back against it, he had her cornered. And he wasted no time.
Cupping her face with both hands, John swooped in for a full and devastating kiss. She moaned in his mouth, which was nothing more than an open invitation to invasion, which he accepted with pure joy. Pretty soon, their bodies collided, then entwined, and before Joss knew it, she had her hands buried deep in his salt and pepper hair, while her arms pressed into his back. John, careening towards lost control, broke the kiss to bend down and lift her up.
The door of her bedroom swung open, and John took her to that place, that amazing, hot and heady place that only he could take her. It was the place where they'd made Alyssa, their beautiful Alyssa, and he'd taken her there so many blissful times they all began to run into one another to create a shimmering wall of love and sex.
"Oh, God...oh God...oh God..."
It was hard to know which of the lovers uttered that phrase at any given moment while their passion raged and settled until it raged again.
Three hours later, after she had been well and truly loved, John rose from her bed and body, visiting the bathroom to cover his tracks as best he could, and got dressed. While he was loathe to leave them, he knew he had to. Zoe, as unconventional as she was, still had a way about her in the kitchen, and a late dinner had been planned. He had to go. Joss, still lying naked in the bed, watched him as he performed his tasks. She was still too high from his loving to be sad. But that would come. It always did.
When he was done, he turned to her and climbed back on to the bed for a kiss. Her naked breasts, no longer giving their daughter milk, still bounced in fulsome splendor and his arousal returned near full force. But he knew he couldn't give in a second time. The kiss would have to do.
"Hey," he said softly, stroking her hair. "You okay?"
"What do I say every time this happens, John?"
"You say, 'yeah, I guess I am,'" he replied with humor he didn't really feel.
"Same answer," she said. The reality was beginning to kick in again.
"Okay. Look, I know this isn't ideal. But I told you once before that I couldn't lose you. And I can't."
"Can't you lose Zoe?"
"I can't do that either."
"Gee, you know, for a bad ass out in the streets, there are sure a lot of things you 'can't' do."
"Nope. Just those two. At least not now. You know why I had to marry Zoe. She's still in danger. And I had to make it real enough, or she wouldn't have gone for it. I couldn't protect her unless I was with her. But you also know damn well how I feel about you, lady."
"Yes, but she doesn't know. And you're still fucking her. What a life, huh, John?"
"Joss..."
"John, just go on. Please. Go. Call me next weekend for when you're going to pick up Alyssa. I'm tired. Let yourself out."
She turned her back to him under the covers. For the time-being that was it. They were done, discussion over. John paused for several moments, though, before finally rising off the bed, the weight of his body leaving was like a piece of her heart floating away.
"I am sorry, Joss. For everything. I'll make it right somehow. I promise."
She didn't answer. He left the room, quietly closing the door behind him.
At the whirr of his car engine, Joss suddenly leaped from her bed to look out the window. She saw the black Cadillac he still drove merge into traffic on a flashing red light. The signal pulsed red over and over and Joss knew that sign. Yes, she did know it.
It was several seconds before she realized that the drops of moisture on her bare breasts came from her sad, clouded eyes, the red of the flashing light all she could see.
A/N: Again, just something that came to me at lunch. It can be fun to take a bit of the hero out of John Reese, as well as the moral fiber of Joss Carter. While I don't fully condemn them (since they have a child and since he's hitched to Zoe, even if for her own good), it is a messy thing, and there's a baby involved. Ah, well, I hope you all are doing well, and you enjoyed this one. Back soon. :-)