Because I Owe You That, a hollyoaks fanfic

Because I Owe You That

She almost threw up as soon as she stepped outside. The air was bitter and cold, but she barely noticed, despite her whole body shivering. She stopped by the front door for a moment, gathering her composure, the sound of raised voices from inside the house making her head spin. She was trying to take everything in, but nothing seemed to make any sense to her.

The sound of Josh Ashworth's raised voice snapped her back to cold reality. Stumbling slightly, she ran away from the house. Away from the person who - just minutes ago - made her feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

He wasn't sure what had made him go after her. He knew he needed to stay away. He knew that, right now, he needed to be back at he house. He needed to explain to everyone else - His Mum and Dad, Hannah, Josh, Gilly - why he'd done it. But at the same time, he knew he needed to see her. He needed to explain it to her just as much.

He hadn't meant for her to find out like that. He hadn't meant for anyone to find out like that, but certainly not her. He knew he didn't love her as much as he loved Beth, otherwise they wouldn't be in the situation they were now, but he did love her. He loved her laugh; he loved her smile; he loved the way she walked; he loved how when he'd been with her, he hadn't worried about what people had thought. To the rest of the world, they were just a normal, young couple enjoying being together. But to him, she'd been so much more than that. Even now, he could remember the moment he'd first kissed her. Guiltily, he remembered how Beth had been on his mind at the time. But it hadn't been because he'd wished she was Beth, it had been because he was glad she wasn't Beth. It was because when he'd kissed her, he hadn't felt guilty about what others would say, he hadn't needed to hide behind being somebody else. Something he hadn't realised he'd been doing all along.

He managed to catch up with her as she'd reached the centre of the village. She was sat on a bench by the fountain in Jubilee Gardens, her head low, her arms wrapped around her, almost as though she was sheltering herself from something - or someone.

He hadn't approached her immediately - partly to prepare himself for the abuse she would launch at him; physically, verbally and emotionally - but mainly because, whilst he was safely out of her view, he could just watch her. He watched as she wrapped her silver coat tighter around her. He looked down at his own shirt - open and stained with blood from where Gilly had punched him earlier - and guiltily realised he couldn't even offer his own jacket. Once again, he'd let her down.

She hadn't heard him at first. Or at least, she hadn't seemed to have heard him. She could have just simply been ignoring him, and he wouldn't blame her, not after what he'd done. He repeated her name once again, certain she'd flinched when he did so. Chewing his bottom lip nervously, he seated himself beside her on the bench. Not right beside her, of course. If there was one thing he did know about those McQueen women it was that they had a mean right hook. But he sat near enough for her to hear him. For her to understand him. Even though he wasn't even sure he understood himself right now.

For the first time, he noticed the almost empty wine bottle by her feet. He wondered how long she'd had it. It had only been about ten minutes since she'd left the house. He prayed silently that she'd opened it before she'd found out and just happened to have had it with her. Unlikely, maybe, but he knew that the only other alternative was that she'd drank it in the space of ten minutes and that the only reason she'd have done that was because of him. Selfish as it sounded, he didn't want to be cause of that.

He didn't say anything for a few minutes. They both sat with their eyes focused elsewhere. Hers on the fountain in front of them; His anywhere but at her. He wanted to say something to her. He wanted her to say something to him. Anything to break she silence. He was fiddling with a fallen leaf when she said something to him. He looked up at her.

For a second, he thought she was actually going to listen to him, but as she stood up to walk away, he realised it wasn't that simple. He knew he should have let her walk away. Let her move on. But he also knew he had to talk to her. Without realising it, he clasped her top of her arm, grinding her to a halt as she tried escaping. She looked at him, her eyes filled with anger and hurt. 'Let go of me' she spat.

'Please, Just let me explain' he pleaded, his hand still gripping her arm. She couldn't help but notice the desperation in his eyes. 'And why should I?' He looked at her sadly and replied 'Because I owe you that.'

'Everything's such a mess, isn't it?' he said, his voice almost a whisper. His thumb circling the rim of the cup of coffee he'd bought from Il Gnosh a few seconds ago.

She shrugged her shoulders. 'Do you want me to feel sorry for you?' she scoffed, fighting back her own tears.

'No.' he replied. 'I want you to know that I am sorry. I am so sorry. I never me-'

'How long?' she cut him off by the sound of her own voice. He swallowed nervously. 'I really don't think we should…'

'How long?!' she pressed, her voice raising enough to cause concerned looks from passer-bys. He felt a flush in his cheeks, shying from the attention. He waited until they'd passed by and turned to look back at her. 'We met in October. Started seeing each other. But then we found out we were related and it stopped. For a while, anyway.' he paused for a moment and looked at her. She wasn't looking at him, but he could tell she was listening to him.

'We tried to get on with life as normal. Pretend that it had never happened. She started seeing Gilly soon after. I knew I couldn't be with her - not properly, anyway - so I just smiled and went along pretending to be happy for them. My best friend and my sister; the perfect set up' he laughed, uncertainly. 'I saw a few women on and off. Anything to stop me thinking about her.'

'And that's what I was; a distraction?'

'Maybe at first. I hated the idea of them being away together. Of them having a happy, open relationship. I wanted her and the thought of her being with someone else tore me apart. So I spent days tucked up inside, not even wanting to think of anyone else, let alone be with them. Then the Mr. Hollyoaks competition took place,' they both paused for a moment, failing not to smile at the memories of that night. 'Things changed. I saw you in this whole different light. I knew you had a gob on you. And I knew you weren't one for settling down. You seemed like the perfect girl for no strings attached fun, like we agreed. But then we spent time getting to know each other and I realised there was so much more to you than met the eye.'

For a moment, she couldn't suppress the smile that was edging on her lips. She knew most people in the village saw her as a heartless cow that had more notches on her bedpost than probably necessary, but underneath all that, she did know what it took to love someone. And she longed to be loved as much as the next person.

'You should have told me sooner.' she stated, her words dry and uncertain. He raised a half smile and stifled a laugh. 'It's hardly a conversation I'd want to have over a romantic meal in Gnosh; "Oh by the way, even though I love you, I'm also sleeping with my sister on the side.'

He hadn't noticed her eyes burning onto him before he'd even finished speaking. He looked at the expression on her face. She looked shocked. 'Did you mean that?' she asked. He tried understanding which part she was talking about.

'Which part?' he asked, bringing the polystyrene cup to his lips and taking a mouthful of the coffee that had somehow managed to turn cold over the last few minutes.

'That you love me?' she asked, not even sure if she wanted to know. Not even sure if she would believe him anyway. He wasn't exactly the best at being honest with her. He paused, hoping that she wouldn't ask him again.

The silence between them had become almost unbearable. She knew he was purposely avoiding answering her and that hurt her more than anything. After what he put her through, didn't she at least deserve to know that?

She opened her mouth to ask him again, but something stopped her. She hadn't known what it was. Nerves? Fear? Hurt? Or maybe she knew that if she asked him, she would have to force herself to face the cold reality she desperately wanted to avoid.

He stared blankly at the now empty cup in his hands. He wondered when exactly he'd drank that last part. He could barely remember. Then again, it seemed things had a habit of disappearing from his life just lately.

He heard her coat rustling as she fastened the zip to the top and stood up. The sound of her heels against the cold pavement almost too much to bear. He knew she was going to walk away. He knew how much she was hurting. He knew he needed to give her space.

She stopped for a moment before him, her body casting a shadow across his face. For a moment, he flinched, expecting her to hurl abuse at him. Physical or verbal. Instead, she placed a hand on his cheek and wiped a falling tear away, before turning her back to him and walking away. Disappearing into the night.

'I'll never stop loving you' he whispered into the night. Although he hadn't been certain of just who he'd been talking to.

End.