CHAPTER 1

Sunday Morning…

"Where is he?!" asked Morgan, rushing from the doors of the elevator towards the nurses' station. Garcia was standing there, her face unmistakably blotched and tear streaked from all the crying. "Is he okay?! Have you seen him?!"

"Oh God, Derek!" she cried, throwing herself into his arms as soon as he got close enough. "It's just awful!" she sobbed, as she buried her face in his chest, "I think my sweet little Baby Cakes… I think he's been… Oh God! I can't even say it!"

"Can't say what?" he asked her in a tender voice. He pulled her away from him for a moment to look her in the eye and what he saw there told him everything he needed to know. He was pretty sure that he knew what she was going to say, but he didn't want her to say it. It was like someone had just kicked him in the stomach.

"How could someone do something like that to sweet little gentle Reid?!" she asked, her voice almost a whimper.

"Hey…" he said, seeking to reassure her, "We don't know for sure yet, do we? I mean… the doctors haven't told you anything yet, have they?"

"No… but I think someone… I think…" she continued to stammer, "Derek, I saw the police report… they want to run a rape kit…"

"Fuck!" he groaned, hugging his arms around her again and resting his chin on top of her head. He was so angry that he could hardly breathe and all he really wanted to do was put his fist through the wall. But as he held Garcia in his arms, he knew that he needed to stay strong for her, and getting thrown out for tearing the place apart wasn't going to help Reid any.

"Have you let Hotch know?" he asked eventually, "And the rest of the team?"

"They're on their way" she said nodding, a hint of nervousness creeping into her voice, "Hotch didn't ask how I found out… I might have some explaining to do…"

She'd called Morgan an hour ago and made a sort of stammered confession. One of her 'not so legal' alert systems had gone off, and she was already on her way to the hospital. It was one that she didn't want Hotch or the FBI to know about because she was breaking so many privacy laws it wasn't even funny. She'd set up an alert system to let her know if any member of the team was ever admitted to hospital. The moment one of their names popped up in the records of an Emergency Room, in any hospital nationwide, her screen would light up like a Christmas tree. Of course, she'd hoped that it would never have to be used…

Unfortunately, a certain 'Dr Spencer Reid' had been brought in unconscious and badly beaten, after being found in an alleyway downtown. His badge had been tossed on the ground beside him but all other possessions were gone. Due to the nature of his injuries and the fact that he'd been found with no clothes on, the doctors had tagged him as a possible 'sexual assault' case. Garcia hadn't stopped crying since she'd seen the alert.

"What if Hotch fires me?" she asked, sniffling into Morgan's shirt.

"He won't" he said, "Don't worry about that right now… It's Reid we should be worried about."

"It's not fair!" she said, her voice muffled by his chest, "Why does it always have to be Spencer?! My poor little Junior G-Man?! He doesn't deserve this!"

"I know… I know, Baby Girl…" he said, rocking her gently from side to side, "He'll be okay… I'm sure he's gonna be okay."

He hoped for the love of God that that was true, but if Reid really had been assaulted, then he knew more than anyone how hard it would be for him to deal with something like that. Especially someone like Reid, a man as private as him, and someone so unused to talking about things of a sexual nature. He remembered him stuttering the words 'sexual relations' on a number of occasions, and even referring to sex as 'copulation'. I mean, who does that?! The more he thought about it, the poor kid talked like someone who'd never even had sex. Was Reid a virgin?! The thought made his stomach clench in anger. How unfair would it be for the kid's first sexual experience to be one of rape?! …Just like his own?!

'Boy just can't catch a break!' he thought to himself bitterly, 'First Hankel, now this?!'

He gave a little sigh of relief as he caught sight of the doctor approaching. The man looked tired and a little dishevelled, but he could see the concern etched across the man's face. He knew right then that it had to be serious. This wasn't just Garcia overreacting. Something terrible had happened!

"Spencer Reid?" called the doctor, as he stepped towards them, "I'm told that you're his work colleagues. I'm to ask for an Agent Hotchner… He's been named as Spencer's medical contact."

"He's not here yet!" whined Garcia, a desperate tone to her voice, "He was out of town on a consult… He'll be here tomorrow morning."

"I see" said the doctor, with a frown, "Well… I'm Dr James… and I've been treating Spencer since he came in… but I was hoping to speak to his medical proxy… I hope you understand that I can't discuss confidential patient matters with just anyone…"

"But we're his friends" said Garcia.

"I understand that" he replied kindly, "But hospital policy is very clear on this point."

Morgan nodded, his eyebrows knit together. "Can you at least tell us if he's okay?" he asked, "I mean, how bad is it?"

"He's stable" nodded the doctor, "And he's awake… Talking… I'm sorry to say that he has been the victim of a very serious assault, but his injuries aren't life-threatening... That's as much as I can tell you."

"Can we see him?" asked Morgan.

"I'm afraid not" said Dr James, with a curt little shake of the head, "He's asked specifically that you all stay outside… He's been very clear about that… No visitors."

"What?!" asked Morgan, looking more than a little shocked, "Why?!"

"He's asked for full confidentiality…" shrugged the doctor, "I'm sorry, but I have to respect his wishes."

"He said he doesn't want us in there?" repeated Morgan, "He actually said that?! Us?! His team?!"

"Yes, I'm sorry" said the Doctor.

"That's what he said to me" sobbed Garcia, "When I first got here, I saw him being wheeled back from X-ray… But... he... he ordered me out of the room, Derek! He was so angry! And scared! And there was so much blood everywhere… and I …I've never seen him look like this! …He wouldn't even tell me what happened!"

"You saw him?!" he asked, a look of surprise on his face. He'd just assumed that she'd been waiting out here the whole time.

"A nurse took me back there" she said, "But he didn't want to see me… I don't know why he wouldn't let me help!"

"He's just a little distressed" offered the doctor, "Everyone reacts differently to trauma… We see it all the time..."

"Do you know what happened?!" asked Morgan, looking to the doctor in a pleading way, "Has he told you who did this?!"

"You know I can't tell you that" said the doctor, an apologetic grimace on his face, "I wish I could be of more help."

Garcia nodded and went to sit down on one of the chairs in the hallway. "I just don't understand this" she said, with an exasperated huff, "We're his 'family'… Why wouldn't he want us in there?!"

"Well, I'm gonna see him whether he likes it or not" said Morgan, as he started to push past the doctor. He had no idea where he was going exactly but he wasn't going to stand around here like a spare part. If he had to check every room, he was going to find him and knock some sense into him.

"Look, I can ask him" said the Doctor, catching him by the arm to stop him, "It's Derek, isn't it?"

"Yeah, Derek Morgan" he huffed.

"Okay" said Dr James "I'll tell him that you're here…"

"Tell him I'm gonna kick his skinny butt if he doesn't let me in there to see him" growled Morgan.

The doctor gave a tired little smile. He recognised a familial relationship when he saw one. Spencer Reid might not have 'family' in the traditional sense of the word, but the dark-skinned man in front of him was behaving every bit like a frightened and frustrated family member would. The same was true of the blonde-haired woman. He made a decision to treat them as de facto family from here on out.

"I'll tell him" he agreed, "Although I might not use those exact words…"

"Yeah well…" huffed Morgan, as he went to sit down beside Garcia, "Kid needs someone to make him see reason…"

"I'll go and see if he's changed his mind" nodded the Doctor, "He might have second thoughts if he knows you're out here." He gave Morgan a little pat on the arm. "I'll make sure he knows that you're worried."

"Thanks, Doc" said Morgan, watching helplessly as the Doctor headed through a swinging door, presumably towards Reid's room.

Morgan put his hands on top of his shaved head and turned to look at Garcia. She gave him a 'what the hell is going on?!' kind of look.

Why was Reid refusing to see them?!

Three nights ago…

"How did you get served so quickly?!" yelled Reid, with a disapproving glance at Morgan as he stood behind him with a beer in his hand, "You know, you could give me a hand here?!"

The bar they were in was slammed tonight and no matter how much he tried to get the bartender's attention, it was like he was invisible. What was more frustrating was that not fifteen minutes ago, Morgan had managed to get himself and Hotch a beer with little difficulty. He'd just thrown one of his trademark smiles at the barmaid and she'd gone weak at the knees. The same wasn't working for Reid. He suspected that smiling like a Cheshire cat probably just made him look like a serial killer. No wonder the barmaids were giving him a wide berth! He hadn't needed a drink when he'd started queuing, but he definitely needed one now! Besides, he'd been despatched to the bar to get a round of drinks for the girls. He was failing miserably - quelle surprise! – but he was going to get served if it killed him! He just hated that smug look on Morgan's face that said 'How can you not even order a drink?!'

Reid let out a little grunt of frustration when the barmaid bypassed him again and served a man two spots to his left. The 100 dollar bill in his hand had once again gone unnoticed.

"I could help" shouted Morgan, before taking a slug from his bottle of beer and glancing towards the door, "But how would you ever learn to do this stuff?!"

"Oh, for…?!" huffed Reid, his face flushing red with indignation as the barmaid ignored him again, "Am I invisible or something?!"

"Oh…kay, come on Pretty Boy" laughed Morgan, as he grabbed Reid's arm and pulled him out of the way. He plucked the $100 bill from between Reid's fingers and fixed him with a smug grin. "I'll get these" he said, "But you're carrying them back to the table."

Reid watched incredulously as Morgan leaned across the bar, snagging the attention of the scantily clad young waitress within about 5 seconds flat, and placed their order. A single malt whiskey costing around $25 for Rossi, 2 glasses of white wine for JJ and Prentiss, a Cosmopolitan for Garcia, a beer each for himself and Hotch, and a Vodka and Coke for Reid. He turned and handed the tray to Reid and threw him a little wink.

"And that's how it's done" said Morgan, as he razzled Reid's hair in a condescending way.

"It is if you look like you" huffed Reid.

"Hey, now…" laughed Morgan, as they moved across the nightclub floor toward the rest of the team, "Just cos I use what God gave me…"

"Exactly!" said Reid, as he shrugged him off in an irritated way, "This has nothing to do with ability or skill… You happen to be particularly blessed in the genetics department… and the world reacts to you in a certain way simply because our brains are hard-wired to see large stature and facial symmetry as attractive qualities in a mate… Those barmaids just think you'd sire healthy children…"

"Yeah… right… 'sire'…" repeated Morgan, in a decidedly distracted voice. He'd stopped walking and was staring at the stairs that served as an entry to the club.

Reid gave a little sigh when he followed Morgan's gaze. Savannah had just arrived by the looks of things… Morgan's new girlfriend.

"Will I just take these back to the table?" asked Reid, stepping back towards him for a moment

"Yeah… you do that…" said Morgan, his attention elsewhere. He'd just seen Savannah walk through the door in that tight red dress of hers and he was too busy smiling at her. He loved the way that it hugged her in all the right places. Even better, was the fact that he knew what that dress meant!

"Oh" said Reid, rolling his eyes, and grumbling, "Does this mean you're not giving me a ride home later?"

Morgan didn't answer. He just watched as Savannah made her way through the crowd, a seductive smile on her lips, and eyes only for him.

"Hey, Babe" he purred, hugging his arms around her waist as soon as she was within reach, and devouring her with his eyes. "How was your day?" he asked, as his lips curled up at the corners and he leaned in for a kiss, "Ready for a drink?"

"Mmmm-hmmm" she moaned, as she pressed her body up against his, and returned his kiss enthusiastically.

"Never mind" sighed Reid. He wrinkled his nose and shook his head in disgust as they kissed a little too passionately for a public bar, "I'll leave you two… to… uh… whatever you're doing…"

"Hey Spence!" mumbled Savannah, laughing a little, mid-kiss, with her arms flung around Morgan's neck. She hadn't even looked at him.

"Yeah, hey Savannah" he muttered, waving at her over his shoulder as he headed towards the rest of the team. He arrived back at the table and was met with a round of applause and a particularly loud 'whoop whoop' from Garcia.

"How long can it take to get a couple of drinks?" grumbled Rossi, as Reid set the tray on the table.

"You try getting served up there!" he huffed.

"Awww… don't be mean to my sweet little chickadee" teased Garcia, as she reached over and pinched his cheek (much to his annoyance).

Reid rolled his eyes and slunk into the bench seat on one side of the table. He reached for his drink and began sullenly drinking it.

As he listened to Garcia and the others bantering back and forth, he began to realise that his stomach felt like it was tied in knots. He was breathing very heavily too.

He didn't really understand what he was feeling but after a moment or two it dawned on him... He was angry!

He was angry and resentful. People were always teasing him for one thing or another. If it wasn't Morgan teasing him for being socially awkward, then it was Garcia playing 'mother hen', or Rossi behaving like he was some little boy to be schooled in the 'ways of the world'. He was sick of it! When would they realise that he was 25 years old?!

He was definitely annoyed about that… but as he sat here now, he realised that that wasn't really it. That wasn't why he was angry. If he was honest with himself, it was more that he envied Morgan and Savannah their happiness… and all of the other happy couples that he could see around him.

He hated seeing people kiss more than anything.

If someone had asked him, he couldn't really have explained why it annoyed him so much. It just did! He hid it most of the time but sometimes he found it difficult, and tonight was one of those nights! It wasn't that he wanted a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend for that matter. Far from it! He didn't want anyone! What he wanted was to have that feeling. That's what he was jealous of! He wanted to feel that way about someone… anyone! To experience what that was like! To want to rip someone's clothes off! To want to be with them so much that nothing else mattered! To want to be naked with them! He'd never had that. Sad as that was, he'd never felt that way about anyone… not ever!

He'd tried to fake it over the years, to put on a show for everyone else's benefit, to be 'normal'… but he just wasn't. He'd even tried to fake it for himself in the hope that it might ignite something inside him and maybe he'd somehow become 'normal' like everyone else, but he'd just been going through the motions. It wasn't like he'd never had sex, he'd just never enjoyed it. He hadn't been able to make himself feel the things that he was 'supposed' to feel. He just wasn't made that way.

All he'd ever felt was shame and revulsion! He didn't like the nakedness. Sometimes he'd try to shut that part of himself off completely and pretend that it didn't exist. He would have been happier if it didn't, like a Ken doll with nothing between its legs. Life might have been easier…

But, in truth, he was tired of being alone… He didn't want to be on his own anymore… He wanted someone to curl up on the couch with, and someone to do things with. Someone to belong to… He wanted companionship… and all the things that being in a relationship was supposed to bring…

Apart from the sex.

Was that so much to ask?!

Why did everything have to come down to that?! To some animalistic urge to 'mount' each other?! To get naked and hump each other silly?! To copulate?!

Wasn't there more to love and life than that?! Something on a higher level? Something more 'cerebral'? Or was it really just about 'bumping nasties'? Was that all that the 'normal' world really cared about?!

It certainly seemed that way.

He sighed to himself, as he stirred idly at his Vodka and Coke. He couldn't help reflecting on how his 'career' had been the perfect cover so far, allowing him to deflect from difficult questions. 'I can't have a girlfriend when life is so complicated!', 'How can I have a relationship when we might have to leave on a case at a moment's notice?!', 'I don't have time! I need to concentrate on my career!' …It couldn't always be his excuse, could it?!

He'd tried explaining things to Morgan once, but all he'd done was ridicule him, and tell him that he 'mustn't be doing it right'. And the one time he'd tried to have an honest heart to heart with JJ, she'd jumped to the conclusion that he must be gay. The truth was much more difficult to explain. And he just wasn't ready to lay his cards on the table and 'out himself', so to speak. He wasn't brave enough for that. Not yet.

He smiled a little sadly to himself and shook his head. To anyone looking at him now, he would have appeared the picture of calm. He was anything but! He was like a swan, all serene and dignified above the surface, but paddling furiously underneath!

Why couldn't he just be 'normal', he wondered to himself?! Why did he have to be such a weirdo?! Such a freak?!

Those questions whirled around in his head as he smiled weakly at his teammates. He was always insulting himself and calling himself names in his head.

He smiled at the young waitress when she came to take the empty glasses from the table. He glanced at her breasts, so visibly pert in that tight work top of hers, and wondered at how other men might find them tantalising. They'd probably be imagining her naked, or fantasising about what they'd like to do to her. They'd be thinking about the parts of their body that they'd like to insert into hers. Two sweaty bodies, slipping and sliding against each other, with all the smells and the sound effects that that entailed…

He shuddered at the thought of it.

All he saw was a pretty young girl with a nice set of boobs.

'Nice'. Not a word that a red-blooded heterosexual would use to describe them. But he wasn't homosexual either. Neither body did it for him.

He was nothing… and that was even worse!

'I hate myself' he thought to himself, as she walked away, 'Why can't I just be 'normal'?!'

He glared hard at the almost empty glass in his hand and decided that he wanted something a bit stronger to try to chase his misery away, or at least help to silence that voice of self-loathing in his head. Getting wasted usually worked for a little while.

"I'm going to the bar" he said, slipping out from the table again and motioning to Hotch and Rossi's glasses to see if they wanted another drink. They both shook their heads. He glanced over to where the three girls were dancing and decided not to venture near them for fear of being pulled onto the dancefloor against his will.

He made his way over to the decidedly less busy bar, glancing only momentarily at Morgan and Savannah who were grinding up against each other a little obscenely. Surely, what they were doing was far too graphic to really be classed as 'dancing'?

He pushed in, setting his empty glass on the counter, and looked around to see if he could make eye contact with one of the young and pretty things behind the bar. Surely one of them would take pity on him and get him a shot of tequila before the night was out?!

"Dr Reid?!" said a young man, leaning around him to stick his excited looking face into his line of sight, "I knew it was you!"

"Do I know you?" asked Reid, looking at him a little uncertainly.

"The name's Kris Novotny" said the man, extending his hand in a friendly way. Reid gave a little wave instead of taking his hand.

"Uh hi..." he replied, "But uh... how do you know me? ...I mean… have we met before?"

He was pretty sure that he would have remembered. No-one, whether they were gay or straight, could have denied that the man was very good looking. He looked about the same age as Reid but he was definitely dressed in a way that was more 'club appropriate'. He had short black hair, carefully quaffed, but messy in a 'bed head' sort of way. It went well with his designer stubble and his well-fitted black shirt and jeans. He looked effortlessly 'cool'. Suddenly Reid felt very self-conscious in his 'geeky' clothing, complete with childish Converse. He began fidgeting almost immediately.

"I attended some of your lectures" said Kris, gazing at him with piercing blue eyes, "I've been following all of your work for years… Pretty much every paper you've ever written! …Maybe this is a weird thing to say, but… I'm a huge fan!"