The Uncanny Lightness of Strangeness and Strength
Summery: Al's chronological take from when he was first aurmorized to Ed's "Funeral." The fanfic is somewhat Emo/angst, hence the Teen rating. The story is set to Evanescence's "Imaginary."
Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist sigh nor do I own evanescence double sigh. Please R&R. Thanks a bunch,
Strangeness and Strength
Paper flowers
Damn I hate this feeling. My brother's crumpled body, so light in my bizarre arms. He may as well be one of the paper flowers we put at Mom's grave. What is wrong with me? I am different. I am light, yet… I don't understand; all I know is that brother is dying. Am I dead? No. How can I be holding him like this? How have I gotten so tall? One minute I was being ripped apart by the circle, now I am whole but different. I must stop brother from dying and worry about myself later.
Paper flowers
Flash back
"Paper flowers will last longer" he had insisted, "and she can bring them inside once we've brought her back. She will be proud of us" the enormous alchemic bouquet had wilted in the months past, training with sensei and just living with Winry-Chan and aunty Pinako. I had qualms about everything, but the placement of paper flowers on mother's grave felt right. I knew that she would be proud of her little alchemists for taking care of each other. I didn't think that she wanted us to disturb her. We missed her though. Would she blame us for loving her and wanting her back? After all, we didn't have a father to help fill the gap.
End flash back
Now here I kneel, in front of an astonished Winry-Chan and Pinako. I plead with them, but they don't seem to know whom I am, that underlined by Winry's inquiry "Al? Is that you?" don't they see that Edward is bleeding?! Why don't they recognize me?
Healing and helplessness
I linger in the doorway
I hear my brother trying his hardest not to scream as a new arm and leg are attached to his body. I want to come in, to comfort him, but Winry blocks my path, stops me from helping my brother when he needs me. I finally give up. I later see his sleeping form, his broken body patched together with harsh metal. I hope that this will help him get over not having mom, being able to move the way he used too. I can move like ordinary, I just have to be careful; being metal makes me…different. Stronger, I have to make sure I don't accidentally crush anything.
Helping and hearing
of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name
Their voices are different. They echo, and with each ricochet off my metal skull, the pitch gets higher and more distorted. I wish that I would wake up from this nightmare and find that it was simply my alarm clock entering my dreams.
Let me stay
They have reason to yell though, Winry and Pinako; they don't want us to leave for the military. I don't want to leave either, but brother says that we must. He thinks that we will be able to put ourselves back together if we do. We will be able to help other people too, the way sensei wants us too. I thought that she was against the military; but I must do as brother says.
Where the wind will whisper to me
If I stay outside, and stand at just the right angle, I can hear Mom's voice. I know that it is both my head vibrating and my imagination, but still, I want to stay like that for as long as I can. I feel that by thinking about her like that I am giving her immortality. Memories are strong things, but not strong enough for brother, not strong enough at all.
Where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story
All sounds are different to me now. Raindrops can tell about their lives, which end with a gory splatter on the ground. I want to ease their pain, but stay away for fear of getting my blood seal wet. I help them instead by being there and listening to the story of their pilgrimage from the clouds.
In my field of paper flowers
To stand in a field and hear petals and leaves rustle sounds like paper; like flipping through a book, that shuffling sound that makes me think of being in Dad's office, learning with Edward. There is a certain field I like, just past mom's grave. It is beautiful and perfect. Edward doesn't know about it, it my private spot. I will miss it, being in the military. I will miss it like the house, which we burned down today.
Starvation and sight
And candy clouds of lullaby
It is so odd to watch everyone else eat at the mess hall table. I try to remember what things tasted like. I can remember best cotton candy. I look up and see cherry flavored heaps of the stuff all over the sky. When it is storm-cloudy, it is more of a grape cotton candy cloud. I never feel hunger pangs, and I feel so foolish to say that I miss them. There are so many things I miss more than food related discomfort, but it's on the list.
I lie inside myself for hours
I sometimes like to be aware that I do not occupy space the way a human does. I like to lie in a field and just drift inside my cage of armor. Not that there are that many fields in central. There is really only that one by bunker B where Black Hiata buries his bones. It's not as nice as the one near home. Nina's backyard is likely the best ever replacement…was the best replacement. Edward and I have yet to let that pass into the past. I remember taking a few minutes to realize what was going on in that alley, just watching in confusion as brother started screaming and trying to transmute the wall.
And watch my purple sky fly over me
Another thing that I have come to conclude is that my eyes are red now, and that what I see through them is therefore tinted red. I was so confused the first time I saw the afternoon sky a deep shade of violet. It also explains my view of the clouds. That's why it takes me a while sometimes, to notice things like blood. It blends with my sight so well.
Chaos and contact
Don't say I'm out of touch
I just make take you literally, if you tell me that I am cold. I have served as an ice pack for my brother on more than one occasion. I do not feel the temperature, nor do I feel pain. I have been hit so many times, torn so many times, and none of actually physically hurts me. I have been roughly kidnapped, crushed in effigy, and ripped apart. The only times I hurt was when brother tried to slice me with his sword/arm that night with the "Barry the Chopper" situation and when he threw a teacup at me after finding out about the philosopher's stone. I can almost swear that I felt the pain, though I shed no tear and there was no mark.
With this rampant chaos - your reality
Do I know that we are in Lior? Yes. Do I particularly care? No. Do I know that there is a war going on? Yes. Do I think its right? No. Can I do anything about it? No. That's why I like my field so much. It reminds me of my studies with Ed, true, but also because if I really try, I can picture it in my mind and float there, in my steal cage of a body. I can be there when I am really in Lior or central or wherever.
The nightmare I built my own world to escape
When I am in my field I am at peace, I am not having to worry about weather Ed is going to survive the next attack, weather then next bad guy will get my blood seal. I think it's kinda like Havoc's smoking. He says it helps him relax and not hurt anybody (anybody meaning the colonel). I go to my field and don't feel bitter about brother changing my life so much. So let there be war, just don't kill my brother in it. Use me as a punching bag, get me pulled apart, just don't make me feel it. It kind of gives an unreal tinge to everything. I could jump off a cliff and not die. I can only die if my blood seal is messed with. I would rather float in my field then even think about what is wrong in the real world, or try to jump off a cliff to help solve it.
Anger, Aroma, and Appetite
In my field of paper flowers
I think I almost hate brother sometimes. I lie in that field (in my imagination) and try to remember; what did mom smell like? What does Rain smell similar to? Once Winry was talking about her new perfume (grease'n'gears for girls) and I didn't know what she was talking about. I am alone. I could find a blind person, of a deaf person, those are almost common, but find someone who cannot feel? Not smell? Not cry? These people do not exist, or are so freakish (like me) that they hide themselves well, the way I wish I could.
And candy clouds of lullaby
Colonel mustang says that I should keep up on current events. I really see no reason why. Let him worry about wars and Ishballans and such. I have my brother, which is all I need, more than I need to worry about. Let Mustang have his fucked up reality, I will try to keep up with my own problems and straighten out the reality of my brother's. I don't have time to read a newspaper when every waking moment is spent saving my brother from Homunculi and looking out for my own life as well. In addition, if I did, I would only find more problems I would want to solve; I would waste my life being at the beck and call of the world.
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
I watch Elisia eat candy and feel a pang of jealousy, almost hatred. Why can I not enjoy sweet things? I shouldn't hate her, I should be as sympathetic as I can, I just found out about Hughes. I never really got to know him, but no one should have to leave a wife and daughter behind so suddenly…I just crave candy! They won't rot my teeth, or make me hyperactive. I just want a damn chocolate bar; it won't kill me. But I can't 'cause stupid brother had to go and try to break the rules and made me get involved. Fletcher Tringham had a candy bar last time I saw him. He offered me some of it. I felt so... mixed up. I wanted it, but couldn't have it, but to refuse would be kinda rude, but what would I do with it if I had it? In the end I just sighed and said I wasn't that hungry. Ha, how true, I'm never hungry.
I lie inside myself for hours
There are times when I wonder, what if? Then I get mad at myself. I should never wonder what my life would be like if I had let him bleed to death, or if I hadn't saved his butt last time. What am I saying! He cut off his arm for me! However, he only did that after had coerced me into losing my body in the first place… NO! We are brothers and we look out for each other. Why does it feel like I'm the only one watching? I must stop this train of thought; I must visit my field.
And watch my purple sky fly over me
I tried to imagine having the sky in my field be blue. I can't make it go blue. It makes me so livid when I can't do simple things that I used to do. I feel like a doll left at the wayside, mangled and floppy, useless and left for granted. I want to get back at my brother for making me like this, but when it gets right down to it, he's all I have left. I love him though I hate him. I am a sensitive heartless, the walking oxymoron.
Sadness and suicide
Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
I know that I'm not making any real noise. I am just making pitiful choked sobbing sounds. I feel shame that there are no tears running down my cheeks. Why must all the girls I learn to love die? Mother, Nina, now Martel. WHY?! I can barely see her blood pouring down my chest; it's all a red blur. I can feel it though, this emptiness echoing like mad through my mind and soul.
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
How could he. How could the Furor kill her? How could I let her be killed? I'm so sorry Martel. I know that if I could join you I would. Nevertheless, I cannot reach my own blood seal; I know that Brother's hand would stay mine. I almost considered trying to lock her in my armor with me, her soul being so near, but I would never condemn someone to living the way I do. Never. Even so, I know that this night will remain in my memory forever; like the burning of the house, Nina's transformation to being a chimera. None of these losses will ever be redeemed.
Drifting and Dreams
Oh, how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
I suppose that I must be going mad. I guarantee I just glided into a dream. I was drifting in my field (while in Brother's room in Central) and I saw mom. It wasn't the scary sloth version of her, it was the real one, I could just tell. She was running through the field and she was laughing, and as I ran (in a human body) towards her, I saw Martel and Nina running towards me as well. Just as my outstretched hand was on the verge of touching mother's fingers, Ed came in (to the real room, not the field) and spoke. At his words mother and everyone else was suddenly running, I saw someone with a blond braid join them in their darting away. I was going to tell brother but he knew not even of my drifting, let alone the concept of me being able to dream, so I kept it to myself. We are now packing up to go to Lior again.
Sacrifice and sadness
The goddess of imaginary light
I don't know why he did what he did. I am whole, but Gluttony bit right through me! What on earth is going on? Where is my brother? The light, the blue light of the alchemic circle; it took him. I know what I must do, sacrifice myself to bring him back. He did it for me; I'll do it for him. I know he will just reverse it, but I must try anyway. He's my brother. I love him.
Memory loss
Strangeness and strength
In my field of paper flowers
I found a field today, after brother's funeral. It feels familiar, I wonder if I came here often as a suit of armor. There are so many flowers, I really feel safe and sheltered here. It's just past the graves, and looks so untouched.
And Candy clouds of lullaby
I lay down in it for a while, and stare at the clouds as the sun goes down. They look like the cotton candy Winry gave me to eat. I turn my head and can just hear the leaves rustling in the far off trees. I feel as if there should be other people here, like the way I remember a dream by lunchtime, foggy and disconnected. I wish I could remember more of what I'm trying to remember.
I lie inside myself for hours
I stayed in that field for a long time, I felt like I was waiting for someone. I felt like I was really close to mother. I feel whole and loved, despite the 'recent loss'. I feel strange, not having brother with me right now. He's always been there, but I know that just remembering what I can from him, little though it is, should give me the strength to go on.
And watch my purple sky fly over me
As I wander back to the graves the sun sets and I can hear Winry and aunty Pinako calling for me. With the violet twilight still holding my attention, I make my way to Ed's headstone.
Paper flowers
I know that he is not dead, but still I feel the uncanny lightness of the paper flowers that I'm putting on my brother's grave tempered with a formal and ceremonial weight. They look so puny amongst the hoards of bouquets and memorial pictures here. I know that they will last longer, and he can look at them when I bring him home. I will bring him home before any of these flowers wilt. I promise.
Paper flowers…
The End