A/N Set around the time of the next half of season 12! Song is Adele - All I ask. Reviews are incredibly loved and appreciated!
"So why don't we just play pretend; like we're not scared of what is coming next or scared of having nothing left."
Arizona couldn't remember a time it had rained so hard. She used to love rain. As a child she would stand by her window and listen to the thunder and lightning like it was the most miraculous thing she had ever seen. She was never as mesmerised by anything as she was storms, until Callie. Calliope. Now she was gone and storms would never be anything but a bad memory and she had no one to blame but herself.
She had grown up believing that love hurts. That loving people damn right sucks. It took her a long time, it took Callie, for her to realise that love didn't hurt at all. Losses hurt, rejection, mistakes, bitter words thrown in the heat of the moment, they all hurt. But love, the love Callie had adorned on her through all the many, many ups and downs? Well that hadn't hurt at all.
Arizona had been to this apartment, Callie and Sofia's apartment, not hers, never hers. She had been many times either to drop off their daughter or pick her up. Now as she stood in the pouring rain, the sky was darker than it had ever been and suddenly, it all felt different. As though knowing Callie had a new girlfriend made it feel harsh and unwelcoming. Another woman was in her home. It wasn't her home; she'd never even been inside. But Callie was there and Sofia was there and they were home.
Her feet seemed to move of their own accord. Somehow, on her journey home from work, she'd ended up here. She knew Sofia wasn't home, she was staying with Zola for the night so, shit, she didn't even have an excuse but her legs, one all human and one all not so human, they wouldn't stop walking and eventually Arizona found herself banging desperately on her ex-wife's door, dripping wet. Damn, at least she won't know I'm crying.
"Arizona?" The smile Callie had been wearing dropped as she saw her ex-wife, it turned to a look of confusion, shock. Worry?
"Do you love her?"
"What?" Utter confusion.
"Look, don't get me wrong I know there is no tomorrow. All I ask is if this is my last night with you, hold me like I'm more than just a friend. Give me a memory I can use, take me by the hand while we do what lovers do, it matters how this ends, 'cause what if I never love again?
Arizona's entire body shook, whether from cold or fear or just the mess she'd slowly fallen back into behind closed doors.
"Damn it, Callie! Do you love her?"
"Arizon-" She wasn't given time to finish.
"'Cause I don't think you do, Callie. I mean, maybe you do, maybe I don't know you at all anymore but the way you look at her, it's not how you used to look at me. You used to look at me like I was the only person in the room. Like, like, I put the damned stars in the sky or something and it, Callie, it made me feel like I was floating. Like you'd filled me with so much love that I was floating. And, and I don't know what to do because she calls you Calliope like it's an inside joke and it's, it's not hers! It's mine! I was here first, Callie and Calliope is mine and I just, damn it!" Arizona stopped for breath, wiping her eyes harshly with the sleeve of her jacket and then rubbing her thigh as her prosthetic irritated her skin like it still occasionally did. "I don't know what to do, Calliope. I don't know who to run to anymore. I don't know who to run to."
Callie's mouth opened and closed but she couldn't seem to find any words. She couldn't find words that would possibly compare to the rambling speech her ex-wife had poured her heart into and she couldn't move because she was scared if she did she would merely grab her wife, ex-wife, ex-wife damn it, she would grab her by the waist and kiss her until neither of them could breathe anymore and that wouldn't do either of them any good.
I don't need your honesty, it's already in your eyes and I'm sure my eyes, they speak for me, no one knows me like you do. And since you're the only one that matters, tell me who do I run to?
"Please, I just, I need something, Callie. Something to put me out of my misery because I'm drowning. I can barely breathe and there's no one there when I wake up at 3am scrambling for air anymore and all I can think of is whether she's with you or holding you or maybe you're at hers and you're sound asleep and then I can't breathe even more." They both stood in their places, Arizona still outside the flat and Callie with her arms protectively around herself, like she was trying to keep her heart in her chest, like if she let go it might actually fall to the floor and shatter at her feet because that's how her insides churned in that moment.
Swallowing back, Callie still didn't say a word but slowly she just walked away from the door. It felt like coming home from Africa all over again except this time, the door stayed open and so did a glimmer of hope.
Callie reappeared with some fresh clothes for Arizona, silently handing them to her before turning her back to the broken woman, knowing she didn't have the strength to watch her undress without doing something neither of them were in a fit state to do.
A short while later, Arizona sat on a sofa that felt so alien and yet smelled like Callie and their daughter and everything she was missing and her heart hurt more than she dreamed it could. Callie sat opposite from her, watching her occasionally and then dropping her head, fiddling with her hands like Arizona did.
"When it's really bad, when I'm alone after work and I'm lying in my bed, there's a space where my leg should be and a space where my wife should be and I just, I turn off all the lights and I pull the covers over my face and I just wish it would all go away. I wish-" Arizona blew out a breath as she tried to steady herself for the things she was about to admit, "I wish I'd died out there."
Let this be our lesson in love, let this be the way we remember us. I don't wanna be cruel or vicious and I ain't asking for forgiveness, all I ask is if this is my last night with you, hold me like I'm more than just a friend. Give me a memory I can use, take me by the hand while we do what lovers do. It matters how this ends, 'cause what if I never love again?
Callie's head shot up, a hand to her mouth, "How can you say that after everything, Arizona?"
Arizona almost smiled, except Callie wouldn't call it that, her dimples didn't show, her eyes didn't twinkle and it was so full of agony and bitterness and regret.
"Because what did I live for, Callie? All those months of pain, learning to walk, smile, love, learning to be me again. What was it all for? So I could lose you anyway? So I could go home every night to an apartment that still looks like it did when the last people lived there, a cold, lifeless apartment. So I could see my daughter every couple of nights, so I could watch my wife loving someone else?" She shook her head softly, her voice becoming more raised, "I spent four days fighting every stupid second to just live. To breathe. To get home to you and our daughter and just live and what for?! What the hell for, Callie? If you can think of a reason, I'd really like to hear it because I am broken. And, nothing hurts more than the empty space where-" Arizona tried to speak through the gentle sobs that had slowly overtaken her body,
"Where your leg should be? Is that what you're going to say?" Damn it, Arizona, it always comes back to the leg.
"Where you should be. I was going to say, where you should be, Calliope."
The time since she'd left Arizona had been tougher than Callie could imagine but she'd thought she was Arizona happy, she thought she was doing well and smiling again and so she didn't look back. She didn't once look back because she couldn't be selfish and now, hearing these words, it hurt more than anything she'd ever felt.
"I would give up my leg all over again to have you back by my side, Callie. I just- I wanted you to know that."
Arizona pulled herself up from the sofa and wiped her eyes. Callie seemed determined not to respond to her heartache and so there was nothing she could do but walk away. "Calliope, I-" She scrunched her eyes closed and kept her back to the brunette, focusing on breathing, "I hope she's wonderful. I hope she makes you feel awesome. You deserve to feel awesome."
Her hand was on the door and she was ready to leave, knowing she'd somehow made things even worse between herself and her ex and now she just looked like a desperate loser who couldn't let go. The problem was, that's exactly how she felt.
"I'm lonely."
Arizona froze at the sound of a broken voice, a voice she hadn't heard speak like that in too, too long. "Even when she's here, even when I'm surrounded by people, I'm lonely Arizona."
Arizona faced her now, her blue eyes wide and, Callie's brown eyes staring intently back at her, "Tonight is the first night in two years that I haven't felt lonely so please-" Callie swallowed back, taking every ounce of strength she had to say the words on the tip of her tongue,
"You know who to run to, Arizona. Run to me."
It matters how this ends, 'cause what if I never love again?