Firstly, this was written because Zai wanted me to "write a fic involving Mustang, Ed, and a fake plant" using this song: .com/watch?v=mdB3Oyd5HtU (Don't Trust Me by 3OH3!) as inspiration. So...yeah...this is an interesting fic. T for safety! Zai and Ray fic!
Ed was kind of use to being kidnapped, after all this wasn't the first time… Even if this was just a tad creepier…seeing as he had woken up in a loin-cloth tied to the Colonel. However…the Colonel was not nearly so calm…
"Let me out! I demand you release me this second or I will burn you to a crisp!" Colonel Mustang bellowed at the top of his voice from his spot next to Ed in nearly every direction possible. The dark room they were held in having left them unable to see anything but the concrete walls and floors by the single light bulb hung above them.
Suddenly the sound of chains falling to the floor sent a shiver up the Colonel's spine and he fell silent. Loud footsteps and strange cackling could be heard moving closer to the two, and they shrunk back in fear. Somewhat wishing for it to be the Homunculus.
"Now, now Colonel, we'll let you go soon," the creepy voice of a teen girl came from the darkness, they saw only the enormous camera the girl held and a set of Hawkeye's uniforms that she had obviously stolen.
"After we've had our fun that is," another voice said as a girl with some sort of bazooka stepped from behind them into the light.
"Now, Zai, don't spoil the surprise!" the first girl laughed out, and Zai smirked.
"Whatever Ray, just hurry up and explain to them their only chance of survival," Zai sighed out, aiming her bazooka at Roy's face as she told him, "Just in case."
"Sigh," Ray said, before setting her camera down, "Alright, basically you two are going to dress up in loin-clothes and face paint to dance around a fire! Just like in the video for 'Don't Trust Me.'"
"I never should have shown you that…" Zai muttered under her breath as she tried not to laugh at the alchemists' horrified faces.
"There is one thing though… we can't use a real fire because that's a safety violation, so instead I found this potted plant!" Ray told them cheerfully, holding up a diminutive cactus.
"Nerd…" Zai teased, earning a glare from Ray's direction.
"DO you want to catch on fire Missy!" Ray yelled, and Zai turned stoic.
"Missy?" Zai growled out… Suddenly the two teen girls lunged for each other's throats and the cactus sailed thru the sky. It landed in a place so sensitive that even Zai and Ray froze for a second to laugh as Roy Mustang balled on the floor in pain, trying to pull the cactus out of his privates…