Dinner With The Family
A.S.
Envy was in a sack. He tried his very best to get out of said sack, but eventually gave up when he realized that Hohenheim – the bastard – had secured it. He didn't know where he was going but he was sure it couldn't be good. So when the sack came off his head and he found himself in a dimly lit restaurant sitting across from his half-brothers (not that they knew that) and next to a mildly tipsy Hohenheim he was genuinely surprised.
The old man broke the awkward silence that followed by ordering a few bottles of wine and a pretty blonde waitress came and began pouring it into pretty crystal glasses when she noticed Edward grumpily and determinedly looking away from his father like a petulant child.
She bent down and gave him a sweet smile. "Aren't you a bit young for alcohol, dear? How about some apple juice instead?"
Envy snickered.
"Oh, no." said Alphonse.
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A TINY-MIDGET-SHORTIE SO SMALL HE COULD DROWN IN A GLASS OF WINE?"
The waitress gave a small shriek and toppled onto her backside.
Hohenheim, ever the suave gentleman got to his feet and helped the waitress back to her feet. "I'm so sorry about my son's-"
"I ain't your son, bastard."
"- behavior, as you can tell, he's a bit sensitive about his -"
A pointed glare from Ed made him rephrase the last word to "- vertical measurements."
The blushing waitress assured him that it was quite alright, finished pouring the wine and high-tailed it out of there.
"So." began Hohenheim, pointedly ignoring the homunculus' struggle, which there was no point to as the ropes he had designed were keeping his eldest son securely in place. "I was thinking it was about time we actually got together for a proper family dinner." He finished, looking intently at his sons. Well, as intently as he could when he was partly drunk.
"Whatever, old man." Snorted Ed. "As far as we're concerned, this family thing should have happened, what, eight years ago?" He stood up. "And what's with the homunculus, old man? Care to explain why the palm tree wannabe is sitting at this table?"
"Hey!" Envy said indignantly. "It's not like I asked to come, Fullmetal pipsqueak!"
Al sighed. "You shouldn't say stuff like that! Maybe Dad just felt sorry for him."
"HE'S MY SON!" Hohenheim yelled, smashing his wine glass violently onto the table.
The Elric brothers stared at him in disbelief. Edward swallowed the contents of his wine glass in a single gulp. Finally -
"WHAT?" he shrieked.
"OW!" Envy growled, unable to cover his ears because he was still bound and half stuffed into the sack. "Would it kill you to use your indoor voice, little red runt?"
"DON'T CALL ME SHORT! I'LL SNAP OF YOUR LEGS AND STICK 'EM ON YOUR HEAD!" Ed turned to his – not that he'd ever admit it of his free will – father and yelled "I don't know what you've been drinking old man, but there's no way in hell I'm related to that gender-confused palm tree!" with an indignant finger pointed at the palm tree in question.
"Who are you calling a gender confused palm tree, little pipsqueak? And what are you blaming me for? It's the old glasses-wearing bastard's fault we're even related!"
In a moment of drunken clarity Ed turned to Envy as if seeing him for the first time. "I see your point. It IS the old bastard's fault." He refilled his glass, amiably set Envy free and they clinked their glasses together, gulped down the booze and poured some more, not sparing their crestfallen father a second glance.
Al's palm found his metal face with a resounding clang!
"Oh, loosen up Al!" said Ed, "You're the only one who actually thinks the old bastard's his father!"
"Nii-san!" Al protested.
Down went several more glasses of wine. Ed felt slightly bad for Al, not being able to get drunk. He supposed that not being able to get drunk was one of the down sides of being stuck in a suit of armour, but Envy was a hilariously giggly drunk by eleven in the night.
Utterly scandalized and finally surrendering to the insanity, Al raised the camera he'd borrowed from Hughes and began taking pictures. Blackmail material for the future. If these found their way into Mustang's hands, Ed would never hear the end of it.
Approximately midway through the night, Envy and Edward began dancing together while singing a combined song of insult aimed at Hohenheim of Light.
"Oh, he's Hohenheim of Light,
And he never picks a fight,"
"He's more cowardly than a lion
We're his ill-begotten scion….."
When Hohenheim tried to point out the inconsistencies in the first stanza alone he got kicked in the face by one of his sons – he was too drunk to notice which one – and ended up getting knocked out cold on the floor of the restaurant. Alphonse handed his father's wallet to the waitress who had initially poured the wine (Edward drunkenly declared that Hohenheim had done something completely inappropriate to her when he was helping her up earlier to everyone at the eatery) and the young woman subsequently had Hohenheim thrown out of the place and into a snow bank outside.
At some point, Edward and Envy followed their esteemed father's example and passed out together on the floor arm in arm and cuddled together like brothers. Al cooed over how adorable they looked and snapped a few more pictures. He guarded them all night long until the sunlight shone and their faces. They woke up simultaneously, blinking and yawning in tandem. And then they realized exactly how they had been sleeping.
Envy ran away screaming. So horrified was the homunculus with his actions that he fled Amestris, never to return. He never did murder Maes Hughes. He did, however, send Ed a postcard. And Ed will deny to his dying day that he kept it.