The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is being sued. Just more madness from my tiny mind. Takes place shortly after Poker Night at the Figgis Agency.
Another Possible Lawsuit Averted
"Item One," Mallory announced to the members of the Figgis Agency in the bullpen. "Due to the mess you idiots made last Friday, Poker Night is permanently cancelled!"
"Awwww!" Pam, Krieger, Cheryl, Ray and Archer pouted.
"Don't complain to me you slackers!" Mallory snapped. "I am sick and tired of cleaning up after your drunken bullet ridden messes every week! The carpet here is already starting to resemble that of our old office! So that's final!"
"Wait! Cyril is technically in charge!" Pam spoke up.
"Yeah Cyril is the head of the agency!" Archer added.
Cyril gave them a look. "Interesting when you people do admit it!"
"Cyril's the one who has final say over poker night," Archer said smugly. "So it's his decision!"
"Actually Archer," Cyril sighed. "This is the one thing we both agree on. Well the three of us if you include my hangover."
"So no more poker nights at this agency!" Mallory snapped.
"Lame!" Cheryl shouted.
"I dunno," Cyril sighed. "Ray almost always won everything anyway."
"Not exactly a high accomplishment," Mallory sighed. "Between all your insanity, erections and downright incompetence I bet one of Krieger's pigs could clean you all out."
"Nah, Piggly is lousy at poker," Krieger shrugged. "Now Ratly…There's a card shark."
"Item Two," Mallory went on. "This concerns Sterling's little gun running fiasco. Which I'm sure all of you by now have heard about. Even though it was a secret mission. And none of you can keep a secret if your lives depended on it!"
"Interesting remark," Lana gave Mallory a look. "From a woman running around waving a stapler screaming at the top of her lungs 'Sterling Mallory Archer, you screwed up this mission that could get us back in the spy game'!"
"Shut up," Mallory glared at Lana. "I have some good news. The man who hired us and had to resign to try to appease the powers that be has had a heart attack and died. So one less loose end to deal with."
"Hooray," Ray said sarcastically. "Another possible lawsuit averted."
"Even better," Mallory said. "There was no paperwork of any kind to connect us to that incident. And everyone outside this agency who knew about it is dead. And if you idiots say anything about this you will also be…"
"We know the drill," Archer rolled his eyes. "It never happened. Never speak of it again. Blah, blah, blah…"
"Good," Mallory growled. "Item Three…"
"Ugghhh!" Cheryl whined. "How many stupid items are there on your stupid list?"
"It's shut up and listen Stupid!" Mallory snapped. "Item Three. We need to hire a janitor."
"I thought we already did that yesterday?" Lana asked.
"We did," Mallory sighed. "Now we need to hire another janitor today!"
"Who did what now?" Cyril groaned.
"I don't know," Mallory sighed. "But when there's a note of resignation signed in blood nailed to the front door it's never a good thing."
"Can we just assume it's Krieger and move on?" Archer asked.
"Hey!" Krieger snapped. "It's not always me! Sometimes it's Cheryl! Or Pam!"
"What did I do?" Pam asked.
"Interesting choice of words," Lana groaned. "The water delivery man incident ring a bell?"
"He was asking for it!" Pam snapped.
"No, he wasn't Pam," Lana groaned. "We could all hear him clearly saying no. REPEATEDLY!"
"Thank god we averted another lawsuit," Mallory groaned.
"Yes," Krieger said. "When the robot dinosaur I was working on ate him. You're welcome!"
"When was this?" Archer was stunned.
"During one of your many little vacations over the years," Mallory growled. "When you were grief banging the entire South Pacific."
"And sometimes it's Archer!" Krieger added. "We all remember Andrea from Accounting!"
"Unfortunately," Mallory groaned.
"I liked her," Cheryl grinned. "She made such lovely fires."
"Those women Archer brought into the armory one day?" Krieger added. "You know the ones who stole everything in it?"
"How many times do I have to apologize for that?" Archer snapped.
"You never apologized for it once!" Mallory shouted.
"You also didn't apologize for the Forth of Ju-Luau incident," Krieger counted off. "The Cinco De Mayo incident. The Bi-Earth Day incident. The Chinese New Year incident. The New Year's Party incidents, plural. The Christmas Party Kerfuffle. And the Arbor Day disaster!"
"I dunno," Cheryl spoke up. "The Arbor Day one was fun. All those burned trees in that park."
"And remember before you hired Cheryl?" Krieger went on. "That temp agency Archer went through like a giant mutant locust in a cornfield!"
"How could I forget? Twelve secretaries Sterling treated like Kleenex," Mallory winced. "Within two weeks we were blackballed from not only that temp agency but almost every other temp agency in town!"
"Almost?" Ray asked.
"At the last minute I got a call from a place called the Tunt Temp Agency that sent me Cheryl," Mallory groaned. "Wait a minute…"
"Whomp, whomp," Cheryl grinned.
"Just figured that out right now…" Mallory groaned.
"That explains a lot," Cyril admitted. "Can we just move on and get this meeting over with?"
"Fine," Mallory sighed. "Item Four…Krieger fix the front door by the end of the day. Item Five we need to restock the alcohol, Sterling that is your job this afternoon. Don't drink it all before you come back!"
"I haven't done that in years and you know it!" Archer snapped.
"You did it last month!" Ray snapped.
"Really?" Archer blinked. "I could have sworn it was longer."
"On second thought," Mallory sighed. "I'll go with you. Might as well get some other shopping done while I'm at it."
"Shopping with my mother," Archer groaned. "Hooray."
"The feeling is mutual mister!" Mallory snapped. "I'm still cringing from embarrassment from the time I took you to the store and you had that huge tantrum in aisle six!"
"I was just a kid!" Archer protested.
"It was last week!" Mallory snapped.
"Well you wouldn't let me get Cocoa Frosted Spy Flakes!" Archer snapped. "The cereal spies eat!"
"No, they don't," Lana said.
"Yes they do Lana!" Archer snapped.
"Couple things," Mallory groaned. "One, we're not spies anymore. Two: Even if we were still spies, real spies don't eat Cocoa Frosted Spy Flakes!"
"I used to eat them all the time!" Archer said.
"Anyone here want to take this one?" Mallory asked. "Anyone? Because this one is too obvious for me."
"No I think that one pretty much speaks for itself," Lana sighed.
"What?" Archer asked. "Super Spy Sam ate them all the time!"
"That was the stupid cartoon raccoon mascot on the box!" Mallory shouted.
"He has cool prizes!" Archer snapped. "This time it's the Super Spy Watch!"
"It's a stupid plastic piece of crap that I wouldn't pay a nickel for!" Mallory shouted. "You have a real watch! A Rolex I gave you for your birthday! Which actually still has some spy gadgets in it!"
"Uh I kind of lost that one," Archer admitted.
"How did you lose your watch this time?" Mallory snapped. "Did you gamble it away like last time?"
"No!" Archer protested.
FLASHBACK!
"Bet on black!" Archer was in Vegas with a rumpled tuxedo at the roulette wheel. He put down his spy watch on the table. "Bet on black!"
CRACKLEEE!
"RED! 22!"
"Did I say black?" Archer blinked as he realized he lost. "I meant red."
FLASHFORWARD!
"I just can't find it, that's all," Archer shrugged.
"Let's move on to Item Six shall we?" Mallory sighed. "We need to find new clients."
"I'll rev up the copier!" Pam called out.
"NO!" Archer snapped.
"We've already got another stupid fine for littering!" Cyril groaned.
"So we need to brainstorm ways to get more clients," Mallory sighed. "Keeping in mind that television commercials are too expensive. Newspaper ads are too ineffective. And after our last incident…Internet adds are too insane!"
"I managed to shut it down before the virus completely took over the internet!" Krieger protested.
"Mitsuko shut it down," Pam corrected.
"You shut it down!" Krieger challenged.
"So I need ideas! Any ideas!" Mallory snapped. "No matter how stupid or insane. Which is what I am going to get with you lot but it's worth a shot. Anyone?"
"Well we've tried calling people on our contact lists," Ray sighed. "If this was New York I'd be able to get jobs. But…"
"But enough about your love life," Mallory interrupted.
"You know…?" Ray gave her a look.
"Ray does have a point," Lana spoke up. "Most people we know don't live in Los Angeles. Not that many people know us here."
"And those that do aren't exactly in any hurry to contact us again," Pam groaned.
"You don't know that!" Archer barked. "I bet Veronica Deane would…"
He was interrupted by groans and moans. "This again?" Ray snapped.
"Give me a break!" Pam groaned.
"Ugggghhhh!" Cheryl groaned.
"Really?" Lana snapped. "Veronica Deane? Seriously Archer? What is your obsession with that woman?"
"I know right?" Mallory snapped.
"What?" Archer asked.
"What do you mean what?" Lana snapped. "Hello! I'm your girlfriend! Not Veronica F#$#$#%%$ Deane!"
"Yes Lana," Archer groaned. "I'm aware of that."
"Really?" Lana asked. "Because you seem to be forgetting that lately!"
"Do we have to talk about this now?" Archer groaned.
"You're the one who brought it up!" Lana snapped.
"No, I didn't," Archer said.
"YOU JUST DID!" Lana shouted. "THREE GOD DAMN SECONDS AGO!"
"I am getting so sick of that name," Mallory grumbled. "Veronica Deane! Veronica Deane! She's not that great!"
"Well she is better looking than you," Cheryl shrugged. Mallory glared at her. "Just saying."
"I'd do her," Pam admitted.
"You'd do…" Mallory bristled. "Pick a name in the phone book!"
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Pam blinked. "What? I'm an open minded gal!"
"You're an open legged gal," Cyril quipped. "Hey-O!"
"Oh yeah, this from Long Dong Silver over here!" Pam gave Cyril a look.
"At least I don't have sex with electrical outlets!" Cyril snapped.
"They're not…technically electrical," Krieger made shifty eyes.
"I don't even want to know," Mallory groaned.
"Why are you willing to jeopardize what we have for some…" Lana glared at Archer. "Stupid fantasy?"
"It's not a stupid fantasy!" Archer protested. "It's a probable fantasy!"
"They're all probable fantasies," Ray groaned.
"You promised you would work on our relationship!" Lana snapped at Archer. "You promised things would different this time!"
"And you fell for that?" Cheryl scoffed. "And you think I'm dumb?" She then took a hit of glue.
"You are dumb Glue-Tinnus Maximus!" Lana snapped. "But this is about Archer's stupidity!"
"Do you want me to start work on that door now?" Krieger asked Mallory. "Because this is going to take a while. And it's not like I won't be able to hear everything so…?"
"No," Mallory said. "We're going to power through this meeting first."
"Fine," Krieger shrugged. "But don't ever complain that I don't give ideas for better productivity."
"The ideas for today are better contacts!" Cyril snapped. "And I don't mean contacts of Archer's dick with new vaginas!"
"Good one," Ray smirked.
"Exactly!" Lana barked. "So why the hell are you so obsessed with contacting Veronica Dean's?"
"I'd like to know the answer to that myself," Mallory growled.
"Shouldn't we get on with your list?" Archer asked. "What's Item Seven?"
"Funny you should ask," Mallory looked at her list. "Do, do, do…Here it is. Item Seven. Get to the bottom of Sterling's stupid star struck infatuation with Veronica Deane!"
"It does not say that!" Archer snapped.
Mallory showed him the list. "I'll be damned," Archer blinked. "It does say that."
"So for once we are going to talk about your commitment issues!" Lana snapped. "And this obsession with Veronica Deane!"
"What are you talking about?" Cheryl spoke up. "That's all we do around here!"
"Carol…" Archer groaned.
"That's all I hear all the time!" Cheryl went on. "Veronica Deane! Veronica Deane! Stupid gross germy baby problems. Veronica Deane. Why can't we get any clients? We got clients but they screwed us and we didn't get paid! Veronica Deane. Stop setting fires Cheryl. Veronica Deane! Change the damn record!"
"She does have a point," Ray spoke up. "We don't all really need to be here for this do we?"
"Of course we do!" Cyril spoke up. "This affects the entire agency. Not just Archer and Lana's relationship."
"Oh Gee," Ray said sarcastically. "Why would Cyril want to hear all about Archer and Lana's relationship problems? I wonder why!?"
"Seriously Cyril," Pam groaned. "You gotta grow a pair."
"Oh like you don't want to hear all the details either!" Cyril snapped.
"Well yeah," Pam said. "I'm just not obvious about it."
"Pam you are one of the most obvious people I have ever met!" Ray snapped.
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Pam remarked.
"Seriously I could have been halfway done fixing that door by now," Krieger spoke up.
"You don't want to hear all the details?" Pam asked.
"Yes," Krieger said. "But I figured that either you would tell me everything or I'd overhear the fight. I just have a lot of important things to do today."
"I don't even want to know what you consider important," Mallory groaned.
"Well it's not the latest rehashing of Lana and Archer's relationship I'll tell you that much!" Krieger added.
"I'm with Krieger," Ray said. "We could be doing…Well almost anything that's more important than Lana nagging Archer…"
"Hey!" Lana protested.
Ray went on. "Archer denying and giving lame excuses."
"Hey!" Archer snapped.
"Then two more hours of those two going back and forth like a demented verbal ping pong game," Ray added. "Come on, Ms. Archer. You cannot honestly tell me you want to hear two hours of this!"
Krieger spoke up in a high pitched voice. "Archer, stop staring at other women!"
"Oh why should I?" Ray said in a dumb sounding voice. "I'm Sterling Archer, Super Stud!"
Krieger then went on in the high pitched voice. "Archer you should look at me, and only me! Because I'm Lana Kane and I deserve your complete attention!"
"Nag, nag, nag!" Ray went on in the dumb voice.
"I am not nagging!" Krieger kept going. "Because I am smarter and better than you and I know everything so you should always listen to me."
"I'm not listening to you," Ray went on.
"Listen to me!" Krieger twittered.
"I'm not listening!" Ray added.
"Listen to me!" Krieger said again.
"I'm not listening! I'm going to get a drink!" Ray mimicked drinking.
"Why am I not enough of a woman for you? Why? Why?" Krieger faked hysteria rather well.
"Why can't you accept that my penis is God's greatest gift to women and it's my duty to share it with the world?" Ray answered back. "Because I am so awesome!"
"You're an idiot!" Krieger sniffed.
"You're an idiot," Ray replied.
"You're an asshole!" Krieger twittered.
"You're a bitch," Ray added.
Krieger and Ray then said at the same time. "Blah, blah, blah…"
"Oh my God," Cheryl was stunned. "That is so them!"
"I know, right?" Cyril said.
"We do not sound like that!" Lana snapped.
"Yeah you do," Pam nodded.
"We don't say those exact words!" Lana snapped.
"Well most of them," Archer admitted.
"We were translating subtext," Ray gave them a look.
"You did get the subtext right," Pam admitted.
"Oh yeah," Cyril nodded.
"Definitely," Cheryl nodded.
"It is rather accurate I have to admit," Mallory shrugged. "Oh God. You're right. I don't want to hear two hours of that!"
Then a strange sound was heard. "Speaking of hearing things…?" Cyril blinked. "Krieger what did you do?"
"Why do you always think it's me?" Krieger snapped.
"What is that noise?" Ray asked. "It sounds like a cat in heat on a lawn mower."
"RARRRRRRRRRRR!" Babou rode by on Milton.
"Close," Pam blinked. "A pissed off ocelot on a giant toaster."
"CHERYL!" Cyril shouted.
"Told you it wasn't me," Krieger folded his arms.
"How many times do we have to tell you to not bring that stupid cat into the office?" Mallory snapped.
"I dunno," Cheryl shrugged. "As soon as it stops being funny."
"RARRRR!"
"Nope," Cheryl grinned. "Still funny…"
"HEY! HEY GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!" Archer shouted as he got up. "BABOU IF YOU PISS IN MY OFFICE AGAIN…"
"And now Archer is going to fight an ocelot on a giant toaster," Ray groaned. "Is it safe to assume this meeting is adjourned?"
"BABOU! OWW! BABOU STOP IT!" Archer shouted. "STOP IT! BAD OCELOT! OWWW!"
"Just once I'd like to have a meeting without any idiocy!" Mallory groaned.
"Then you'd better have it with other people!" Cyril groaned.