Title: I'm a Coalmine

Author: Rib

Summary: Worse than anything I could bring myself to do to you.

Rating: T

Disclaimer: No.

Notes: Written to I've Got All This Ringing in My Ears and None on My Fingers (bitch to type) by Fallout Boy.

You're a Canary

It's surprisingly heavy being a formless spirit. It's like you've got weights on your limbs and on your back. But it isn't like we can feel the exhaustion, so it doesn't really matter. I'm trudging through the fresh snow and I don't leave any footprints. I walk right through the front door of your house.

Ike's coming down as I'm coming up, and he gives me a quick glance. I think he sees me; he's seen dead people before. If he does, though, he doesn't care to talk to me. Maybe he's angry at me for you. I walk through your bedroom door.

You're seated on the bed, near the window. You haven't changed out of your pyjamas. Your hair is unkept. There's nothing bright about your eyes, and it's all my fault. I was the one who came crumbling down, and you were the one who got crushed. You've got a look in your eyes like you want to cry, but you're too dried out. It's just like every other day I've come to see you. I stand in the middle of the room, like the sick sado-masochist I am.

I don't think I regret not coming back. A deal was a deal, and I kept my end. I wasn't going to lose you, and I wasn't going to let you lose everything. I'm not your everything.

The door opens and Stan comes in, a tray of food in hand. Super best friend to the rescue. "Kyle, you've got to eat."

"M'not hungry," you say so quietly. I can barely hear you. "I'll eat when… when he gets back." It's like I can hear my heart breaking.

Stan sighs and puts the tray on the desk. He sits on the edge of the bed. "He's not coming back, Kyle," he says.

"Yes he will," you insist. "He always comes back." I crawl onto the bed, right next to you. I lean in and kiss you on the cheek, hoping, by some miracle, you'll feel it.

"No, I'm not," I tell you, "I can't come back, Kyle." I know you can't hear me, but I know you know. You won't admit it to yourself. I don't think I could either. Not after what we had.

"Kenny!" you hissed, struggling to keep up with me, "Dude, slow down!"

Laughing, I slowed to a stop, right under a lamp post. I waited for you to arrive and immediately took your hand.

"You're such…an asshole…stupid…" you said between gasps.

I pulled you closer. "Kyle?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

You stared at me for a second, before breaking into the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen. You kissed me and said, "I love you too."

"You sure?"

You could tell I wasn't joking. "Yeah. I'm sure."

I broke into a grin, and something was burning in my chest. "Close your eyes."

"What? Why?"

"Just," I kissed you on the forehead, "Close your eyes." I was telling us both.

And you did. And I ran. And I didn't come back. Even when I see your smile in my head.

And I do. Every time I close my eyes.

Your hiccupping evolves into sobs, and I wish I could wrap my arms around you. But Stan does it for me. "He's coming back!" You whimper, and I feel like the most useless thing in the world. "He's going to be back, Stan!" Just as you've been saying these past fourteen months. "He always…"

I start my way towards the door, knowing I'll be back again tomorrow.

"…comes back."

The Truth Hurts Worse Than Anything I Could Bring Myself To Do To You

School tomorrow. :(

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