ROBOT CHICKEN: BOBA FETT THREE WAYS
INT. TV STUDIO
BOBA FETT stands facing the camera as the ANNOUNCER describes the new reality TV show Boba Fett is starring in.
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ANNOUNCER
(overdubbed)
It's the new hit show on Coruscant's public access channel 17: "Boba Fett Three Ways!" Watch interstellar bounty hunter Boba Fett as he navigates life's never-ending panoply of complicated social situations using only three phrases! Which phrase will he use at any given time? Will it be phrase number one?
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BOBA FETT
As you wish.
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ANNOUNCER
(overdubbed)
Phrase number two?
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BOBA FETT
He's no good to me dead.
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ANNOUNCER
(overdubbed)
Or phrase number three?
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BOBA FETT
What if he doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to me.
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ANNOUNCER
(overdubbed)
What will Boba Fett say while he's —
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Cut to EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
Boba Fett is standing on the sidewalk in front of a store.
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ANNOUNCER
(overdubbed)
— Out and about in the big city?!
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A WOMAN with packages inside the store beckons Boba Fett through glass door.
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WOMAN
Hey, could you please hold the door open for me?
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BOBA FETT
(opening door)
As you wish.
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WOMAN
(exiting to street)
Why, thank you!
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Once on the sidewalk, a PEDESTRIAN carelessly bumps into Woman, causing all her packages to TUMBLE onto the sidewalk. Pedestrian doesn't stop or apologize.
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WOMAN
Oh, God dammit!
(yelling at Pedestrian)
I wish you were dead!
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Boba Fett pulls out his laser rifle and SHOOTS Pedestrian, disintegrating him.
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BOBA FETT
(turning to Woman)
As you wish.
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ANNOUNCER
(overdubbed)
— Spending time with the ladies?!
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Cut to EXT. CITY PARK - DAY
Boba Fett and Woman are walking her DOG in the park. Dog is HORKING up on the grass.
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WOMAN
(exiting to street)
Awwww, my doggie is sick. Be a good boyfriend and take him to the vet for me?
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BOBA FETT
(grumbles reluctantly)
Nnnnn.
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WOMAN
Aw, come on, just take him to the vet and make him all better.
(intones sexily)
I'll make it worth your while.
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Cut to INT. VETERINARIAN'S OFFICE
VETERINARIAN and Boba Fett stand next to exam table. Dog is on exam table next to large puddle of doggie hork.
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VETERINARIAN
I'm afraid he needs some fairly serious and expensive surgery, Mr. Fett.
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BOBA FETT
What if he doesn't survive? He's worth A LOT to me.
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ANNOUNCER
(overdubbed)
— Settling into a life of dull suburban anguish?!
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Cut to INT. SUBURBAN HOME LIVING ROOM
Boba Fett and Woman — now clearly married — are in a messy living room, arguing. Fett is slumped on the couch.
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WOMAN
Well, I don't CARE what your plans were this weekend, I'M going to a bachelorette party. And while I'm out, you better CLEAR all this crap off the floor, get RID of the garbage, CLEAN up the yard, and KEEP my parents out of my hair while they're in town!
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Woman marches off toward front door.
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BOBA FETT
(defeated)
As you wish.
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WOMAN
(whirls around just before she exits, pointing)
And NO disintegrations!
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BOBA FETT
(tensing up and muttering resentfully)
Grrnng as you wish!
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ANNOUNCER
(overdubbed)
— Sleeping in on a Saturday morning?!
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Cut to INT. SUBURBAN HOME BEDROOM
Boba Fett is lying in bed. Door to bathroom opens, and Woman walks into bedroom.
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WOMAN
(holding up pregnancy test to light)
Oh, God dammit, I'm pregnant again! I am gonna find out which one of you keeps knocking me up, process-of-elimination style!
(pointing at Boba Fett)
Which means YOU are getting a vasectomy.
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BOBA FETT
(sighs)
As you wish.
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Door to bedroom opens, and kids — BABY WAMPA, BABY GREEDO, and BABY BANTHA — rush in, BOUNCING on the bed.
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KIDS
Mommy! Daddy! Can we have pancakes for breakfast?
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ANNOUNCER
(overdubbed)
— Learning about his upcoming vasectomy?!
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Cut to INT. DOCTOR'S EXAM ROOM
Boba Fett is in boxers, wifebeater, and helmet, sitting on exam table, facing DOCTOR.
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BOBA FETT
(looks down at crotch, then up at doctor)
He's no good to me dead.
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ANNOUNCER
(overdubbed)
— Or, learning about his upcoming vasectomy?!
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Cut to INT. DOCTOR'S EXAM ROOM
Boba Fett is in the same exam room, wearing boxers, wifebeater, and helmet, sitting on exam table, facing Doctor.
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BOBA FETT
(looks down at crotch, then up at doctor)
What if he doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to me.
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ANNOUNCER
(overdubbed)
— Or appearing on his favorite television show?!
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Cut to INT. GAME SHOW STUDIO
Boba Fett stands on stage as a game show contestant. He is between the game show HOST and a LARGE BANTHA, which is wearing an elaborate codpiece.
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HOST
Mr. Fett, you have ten seconds to tell us that us that this bantha is PERFECTLY good to you dead or that he's NOT worth a lot to you! If you can't complete this task, you will not collect the $100 million dollar grand prize! Instead, you'll both win the consolation prize: a three-week romantic trip for two in Scottsdale, Arizona!
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BOBA FETT
(drops shoulders, sighs)
Ohhh, as you wish.
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Boba Fett and Large Bantha walk offstage together.
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HOST
Fantastic! That's all from the Make A Wish Foundation Game Show for tonight, folks!
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ANNOUNCER
(overdubbed)
Why, you never can tell what will Boba Fett say in any number of life's everyday scenarios!
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Cut to EXT. MEDIEVAL FARM - DAY
A blonde peasant girl — BUTTERCUP from The Princess Bride — arrives at the farm and dismounts her horse. Soothing violins-and-guitar MUSIC PLAYS in the background.
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BUTTERCUP
Farm boy! Polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.
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The camera cuts to Boba Fett, who is dressed as Westly from The Princess Bride. He's wearing a dashing blonde Cary Elwes wig atop his helmet.
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BOBA FETT
(romantically)
As you wish.
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Cut to EXT. MEDIEVAL FARM - DAY
Boba Fett is CHOPPING wood. Buttercup walks up to him with two buckets.
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BUTTERCUP
Farm boy! Fill these with water.
(pauses as their eyes meet)
Please.
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BOBA FETT
(romantically)
As you wish.
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Cut to INT. FARMHOUSE
Buttercup is standing at a workbench. Boba Fett enters.
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BUTTERCUP
Farm boy!
(motioning to pitcher hanging just above her)
Fetch me that pitcher.
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Boba Fett walks next to her, takes down the pitcher and hands it to her.
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BOBA FETT
(whispers)
As you wish.
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Cut to EXT. COUNTRY PASTURE - TWILIGHT
Buttercup and Boba Fett are sitting on a stone wall together at sunset, MASHING and French kissing, which basically involves Buttercup tonguing his helmet.
Cut to INT. SCREENING ROOM
DIRECTOR and two PRODUCERS in screening room, evaluating Boba Fett's audition.
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PRODUCER 1
Oh, he's GOOD.
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PRODUCER 2
He's VERY good.
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DIRECTOR
Yeah, but for some reason, he can't read ANY OTHER line in the script.
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PRODUCER 1
Really? Oh, well, that's too bad. We'll just make him a stunt double for Cary Elwes, then.
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Cut to EXT. COUNTRY HILLSIDE - DAY
Boba Fett and Buttercup are standing at the crest of a hill. Boba Fett is dressed as The Dread Pirate Roberts, with a black mask tied around his helmet.
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BUTTERCUP
(standing behind Boba Fett)
YOU can die, too, for all I care!
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Buttercup pushes Boba Fett down the hillside.
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BOBA FETT
(tumbling uncontrollably down hillside)
As you wi —
(crashes into rock)
Ough!
(keeps tumbling down)
As you —
(crashes into another rock)
Waagh!
(keeps tumbling down)
As y —
(crashes into yet another rock)
Errgh!
Cut to Director, Producers, and MEMBERS of cast and crew on set during filming of hillside scene.
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DIRECTOR
Nope, that one was no good, either. We still didn't get the line.
(yelling at cast and crew members)
Let's do it again. Scene four, take 29!
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PRODUCER 1
(incredulous)
Take 29?! He can't take much more!
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DIRECTOR
Oh, he can do a few more takes.
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PRODUCER 1
(exasperated)
What if he doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to us!
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PRODUCER 2
(insistent)
He's no good to us dead!
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Cut to INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
SETH GREEN, DOUGLAS GOLDSTEIN, TOM ROOT, and MATTHEW SENREICH are sitting at a table for a Robot Chicken editorial meeting.
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MATTHEW SENREICH
Wait, doesn't Boba Fett have FOUR lines in "The Empire Strikes Back"?
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SETH GREEN
Yeah, yeah! He says, "Put Captain Solo in the cargo hold" as he's about to leave Cloud City on Bespin.
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DOUGLAS GOLDSTEIN
Mm, we should really figure out a way to work that fourth quote into this skit.
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TOM ROOT
(standing, yelling in disgust)
God dammit! THREE is funny, FOUR is bookkeeping! How many times have I told you that, you FUCKING space nerds!
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END SCENE.